She had given up with pretending to try to keep her eyes closed. She pretends she does not know what time it is; she does not care. But it is that time of the night; that time of the night that she has been battling for the past few months since the confirmation. 

But more importantly its that time of the year - that time of his life. 

she swallows, scrunching her blanket up in sweaty fists. The perspiration definitely not a result from the cold chilling weather. 

She still cannot work out why a part of her thinks she will be unable to do it. She has been doing it for the past few years, knowing this day would come, knowing it is impossible, knowing she should stop herself. 

She has tried. Please do not think Im Yoona never tried. She detours from the places she knows where he might turn up. How she knows where? she'd scold herself for knowing. She avoids mentioning his name and even conversations where he is mentioned like they are complete strangers. Keeping distance was her priority, with some thankful moments where her members would create perfect diversions. 

During the inevitable situations, she would pretend to engage friendly conversation like normal labelmates, so that the whole world would believe it is platonic. 

There are moments she begins to question which part is the pretence?. which part is her?And on this night, she has landed herself in one of those moments. in fact she is almost drowning. 

And does the whole world believe it? To her dismay she has come across the photographs of those moments that she prays has gone unnoticed. The way her hand had felt in his; the fluttering in her chest as it happened in front of an arena of concert audience. And within those photographs even her own members seem to smell suspicion. It was hard to miss the way Sooyoung was outrightedly staring at the linked hands. At first it was amusing. But soon it was overcome with a fear. So she retreated back to her avoidance. 

Until they ended up standing next to each other recently. She could not miss the way he sneaked glances at her; the attempts to make conversation;  to sew the gaps between the last time they met and that day together. Yoona hoped she was her subtle self. But something about that night; perhaps it being a party; perhaps the light heartedness and false sense of security with everyone present; or perhaps just everything between him and her made it happen. She looked directly into his eyes and talked and smiled. For once, she seemed to win against time: all the time lost between. 

tonight she knows that that's not true. All the pain of the waiting and longing and missing in between the times they met, is running through every blood vessel of hers. It is mixed with the regret and guilt for declining the offer for a last gathering with his close circle of friends with a lame excuse of not feeling well. It surprised her that she was invited. 

Upon squeezing her eyes shut: shutting out the noise and deafening silence of midnight with the ticking of a clock in between. She loses all strength when all she hears is his laugh as he says her name. 

Without knowing Yoona throws herself at against the harsh currents of wind in a thin coat or whatever she had managed to reach. The cold starts biting at her skin but she does not care. Nor does she care about how dishelleved her hair is from the endless rolling from one side to the other. Nor the way she is probably wearing someone else's sneakers without socks or whatever outfit it was that she had decided to sleep in and was now running in the  open suburbian streets of Seoul in. She does not let her mind think, trusting her legs and all these years of what she held between him and her to know the right direction to take. 

Her eyes ablur with whatever liquid has formed probably from the harsh exploitd of late autumn wind, she sees her destination just across the road. She hears familiar voices as figures of familiar people emerge from the entrance/exit of the building. Rubbing her eyes  and shaking her head, she hides herself closer to the conveniently located hedges just beside where she was standing, to catch her breath. 

The group of males whom she would usually probably make a joke about, and a petite girl (who's unique voice is unmistakable) make their way into the open, turning to wave and shout their (probably slightly intoxicated) farewells at the tall figure. The tallest one stays  rooted closest to the doors to the building, listening to the girl with long black hair who lingered behind. Although she is unable to hear    the words, Yoona smiles bitterly, both sympathetic and envious of the exotic chinese beauty for what she was once at least able to have as she makes her way across the road. 

Changmin walks out to the pavement just in front of the entrance to wave the group off into the distance. He hangs his head low and just stays still for a moment or two. Until he blinks, and heaves a sigh; releasing a gush of warm breath made visible by the street lights. 

In the shadows cast by the surrounding vegetation, Yoona watches as Changmin starts stepping back towards the building entrance. She asks herself whether this is enough? As she blinks back remainder of unshed tears, she does not wait herself to answer. 

"Shim Changmin" she half croaks, half breathes. But he hears her. She witnesses the way he evidently freezes in his tracks. but he does not turn around. They both lull in the hanging silence between them. Neither were counting how long, but he finally turns his around. 

"Yoona?" There is a hint of shock in his eyes, mixed with a bit of concern, and something else, soemthing lighter. 

Yoona steps fully into the flooding streetlight. It reveals the stains on her cheeks. But she does not mind being vulnerable and exposed at this moment in time. She gives him a smile, a Yoona one with mismatched eyes which only he can reciprocate. A few tears drop out as she sniffs. 

"Kyuhyun and Minho said you're unwell," Changmin says confusedly but continues ignoring Yoonas apologetic smile. "How are you feeling? So how come you're...here?"

Yoona just stays staring at him with tear filled eyes. He notices the lack of warm layers that she is wearing for such cold climate. 

"Im Yoona and why are dressed so carelessly? You'll get even more si..." his reprimand and stern comment is cut off as Yoona runs up and throws her arms around him, pulling him in a tight embrace. She squeezes him tightly, as if not wanting to let go as she sniffles into his chest. The constriction in her chest eases with warmth. 

He lets her stay there despite his sweater and scarf (given by the same person holding on to him) is slowly soaked in tears. He does not move, realising that she is the only exception he has ever had for such a situation, not minding at all. 

After who knows how long, Yoona comes to her senses, pulling herself away and holding his arms for support. 

"Don't...go?" All the plea is in her eyes as she looks up at him. She knows it, he is one of the only people who had ever seen this other side to the strong Im Yoona. The raw emotions are all on display behind the tears. Changmin can read it and she knows he can. But she is reminded that two have been a part of the whole game 

"what are you saying Yoona? you know that's..." Yoona takes her hands off him and turns, walking away. Both of them have been in denial forever. Yoona wipes the tears with her sleeve, feeling the scraping feeling. She continues walking until... 

She stops in her tracks. He wraps his arms tightly around her arms and wraps them tightly around her waist from behind. She feels him rest his chin on her shoulder and he whispers ever so softly into her ear

"I'd stay if I could..." Yoona bites the inside of her lip as a new wave of tears wash through her, this time like releasing a breath she had been holding since forever. She turns her head slightly to find his face, tears sliding off his cheeks. "I really would. Really."

Funny thing time is. When you want it to go fast, it drops to its knees into the most excruciatingly dreaded crawl. When you drop to your knees to wish it to freeze, it bounces up and fleetingly flits in front of you, so fast that you'd probably die trying to chase it. 

Yoona knows that the two years to come would be the slowest record time would move.  She is unsure whether she is prepared for it. Neither is Changmin. But life is unfair like that. 

The time they distanced themselves from each other feel like an eternity. And moments like this, lying on the living room floor with cushions under their heads as they talk with their eyes closed feels like only a couple of seconds against that. 

Changmin had been expecting a sleepless night. But just as he falls asleep from the most valuable conversations he has had in a while with the girl who had rushed (out of bed) to see him without a pause (or care), curled up in a ball, slowly dozing off to the effects of cold medicine he fed her and the efforts of the trip from her dorm to his.

"Yoona?"

"mmm?"

"I'm glad you came" he whispers tucking some lose strands of hair behind her ear. She turns to face his side with her eyes closed.

"me too" she smiles, eyes still closed. "me too."