I stirred awake and squinted as I looked around. Still surrounded by darkness, I felt around the bed for my phone. The bright screen read about four thirty in the morning. I set my phone down and glanced at the empty spot next to me on the bed. I rubbed my eyes swiftly before stepping out of bed, hugging myself as I made my way out of the bedroom, looking for him. All the lights in the apartment were off, except one room. His studio. I quietly stepped in and saw that Yongguk was working, with his lyric book open and headphones on. 

 

“Hey.” I said softly, resting a hand on his shoulder.

 

Yongguk’s attention whipped from his book to me, before taking off his headphones. I observed him and saw that his eyes were bloodshot and it looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep. I distinctly remember him coming to bed with me, yet there he was, awake and working. 

 

“What are you doing out here?” he asked gently, turning his chair around to face me. 

 

“I could ask you the same.” I said, settling onto his lap. “Why are you up?”

 

Yongguk rested a hand on my waist and his other hand fiddled with my cold fingers. He exhaled a deep breath and closed his eyes, leaning forward to rest his forehead onto my shoulder. I reached a hand up to cup the back of his head, playing with his hair. 

 

“I can’t sleep.” he murmured into my shoulder softly.

 

“How come?” I asked, resting the side of my head on his. 

 

“Too many things on my mind.” he sighed, as I felt his grip on my waist tighten. 

 

I breathed in a breath, smelling his familiar cologne but also a subtle aroma of cigarettes. 

 

“You’ve been smoking again.” I gently frowned, even though he couldn’t see me.

 

He nodded against my shoulder. 

 

“Only a few.” he said quietly. “A bit stressed.”

 

I finally pulled away and reached my hand out to touch his face, feeling my cool fingers contrast his warm cheeks. I stared at the his red eyes, his dark circles. Yongguk leaned into my touch, closing his eyes. He turned his head slightly and gently kissed the palm of my hand.

 

“Yeah?” I asked gently. “You wanna tell me?” 

 

I saw a small smile form on his lips, yet it didn’t reach his eyes. I noticed how the smile held a slight sense of bitterness to it. He shook his head and went back to leaning on my shoulder as I felt him place a gently kiss on it. 

 

“You know, the usual.” he sighed. “The stress that comes with being an artist. Hectic schedules and all.” 

 

“You sure?” I questioned. 

 

“Yeah, I’m sure.” he replied. “Can we just stay like this for awhile?”

 

“Of course.” I whispered softly. 

 

I brought my arms around him and hugged him tightly. His frame muscular and firm against my arms, his breaths even next to my ear. My hand rubbing small circles on his back and I turned to kiss the side of his head softly. Yongguk sighed contently and I felt him hug me closer. Feeling his large frame fit right into mine, feeling his muscles tense under my touch, hearing his shallowing breathing against my ear, I wanted him to know that I wanted to protect him too. Just because he was a man, didn’t mean I’d leave him to fend for himself.

 

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” I whispered. “You can tell me anything and I’ll listen to you.”

 

“I know.” he said lowly. 

 

I always made sure that he knew that I’d listen. Yongguk had always been a quiet and reserved person. He wouldn’t tell you anything that was burdening him until it was too much for him to handle himself. It just came from his personality of wanting to please everyone, not wanting anyone to feel burdened by his problems. 

——————

“I’m sorry.” Yongguk sighed as soon as I picked up his call. 

 

“You’re not coming?” I asked softly, trying to hold back my sigh. 

 

“I’m sorry.” he said again. “The schedule’s been extended, I don’t think I’ll be done until late.” 

 

I held onto my phone and checked my watch on the other hand. It was seven in the evening. I’d waited at the park for almost two hours. The long waits weren’t new to me, I’d gotten used to them. I used to wait for one or two hours and he’d turn up, apologetic. But recently he didn’t turn up at all. He’d call and tell me that he couldn’t make it, that his schedules got changed. 

 

“This is the third time, Yongguk.” I sighed, not wanting to sound too whiney. 

 

“I know…” he said softly. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I just…” I bit my lip. “I just miss you.” 

 

“I know.” Yongguk said. “Of course, I miss you, too.” 

 

The silent lingered for a short while, as if we didn’t want to end the call and wanted to be in each other’s presence for at least a while longer. I wanted to hear his breathing for longer, I wanted to know that his attention was solely on me for a little bit longer. I gripped tightly onto my phone, wanting to be selfish and tell him be with me. Yet I refrained and sighed. 

 

“Are you coming home tonight?” I asked. “Should I wait up? Or are you going back to the dorms?” 

 

“I,” I heard him hesitate. “I might uh…” 

 

“Go back to the dorms?” I finished the sentence for him. 

 

“Yeah.” he said, sounding apologetic. “I have an early schedule tomorrow morning.”

 

“Okay.” I said. “I understand. Make sure you rest and eat.” 

 

“I know. I’m sorry.” he sighed. “I love you.” 

 

“I love you too.”

 

I ended the call and shoved my phone back into my handbag, before getting up from the park bench. It was only then, that I realized how dark the sky had gotten. It was only then that I realized the night air had set and there was a chilly wind blowing in the air. I glanced around and noticed the group of children playing on the playground had long left and it was only me. Only me, alone in the park. I shivered from the cold slightly before making my way home. 

—————— 

I sat at my desk at home and turned to my phone, checking it for the time. I also came to realize that I hadn’t received any calls or any messages. I sighed and pushed my chair out, before stepping out of the room to the kitchen to find something to eat. Though, I didn’t have much of an appetite because it had been two days since I’d last seen or heard from Yongguk. 

 

It ended with him messaging me that he was really busy and couldn’t come home that night. The next morning I went to call him but it went straight to voicemail. The rest of the day I didn’t get a reply or a call, causing me to become worried sick about him. 

 

I sat at the dinner table and picked at my plate of food, constantly checking my phone and hoping for something to happen. I mindlessly ate and ended up only finishing half of the plate before going back to work on my papers and then later heading to bed. 

 

I stirred awake, not sure of how long I was asleep for, when the bed dipped slightly. I sat up quickly in panic before I heard his familiar voice. 

 

“It’s okay, it’s me.” Yongguk whispered. 

 

I sighed a breath of relief, before turning to switch on my lamp. The room lightened up slightly and I turned back to Yongguk, squinted at him. I swiftly rubbed the sleep out of my eyes before letting them refocus, not sure if my vision was just blurry or if he really did look exhausted. It had only been two days since I last saw him but I didn’t know why it felt so long. 

 

“Yongguk?” I asked. “Where have you been? Not answering my calls. Do you know how worried I was?” 

 

Yongguk lifted a hand and brushed his fingers through my hair, fixing it, moving it behind my shoulders. He smiled the slightest smile, before gently grabbing onto my hand. His hands were cold and almost cautious. His thumb ran across my knuckles as I sat next to him and observed his face, the eye circles that were becoming more prominent, his eyes that had turned red from exhaustion. I sighed. I wanted to be mad at him but I couldn’t bring myself to be.

 

“I know, I’m sorry but our schedules have been crazy.” he brought my hand up to his face. 

 

“Are you mad at me?”

 

I sat in silence, the lamp giving off some dim light, looking at his half illuminated face. My hand against his face formed to cup his cheek. I let my thumb run gently across cheekbone. 

 

“Yes.” I whispered. 

 

Despite that meaningless, empty answer, I moved my hand from his face and went to rest my arms around his shoulders, bringing him in for a hug, locking my arms together behind him. I felt him rest his chin on my shoulder and his arm circle around my waist. I scooted closer to him and stayed enveloped in his arms like that until I felt that it was enough. Even then, I didn’t want to pull away. 

 

“Have you eaten?” I asked as I pulled away. 

 

“Yeah.” he answered. 

 

I reached a hand up and combed my fingers through his messy hair. Yongguk’s hair had gotten a lot longer than what I was used to. It was the first time since dating him that he’d let it get that long, well past his eyes. I never had a say on his hair because his hair had to follow a concept set by the stylists so I never said anything. I brushed his hair out of his eye and saw that he was staring at me. His gaze strong. 

 

“What?” I asked softly. 

 

I rested my forehead on his, my fingers still gently entwined in his hair, cupping the back of his neck. I felt his warm breath graze my lip, with his own lip barely touching mine. 

 

“Nothing. I just…” he said hesitantly, his voice stiff. “I just love you.” 

 

I moved my forehead away from his and looked at him. It wasn’t him telling me he loved me that made me feel odd. It was his tone and it was his eyes. His tone was low and almost solemn. His eyes were looking at mine from under his lashes. His eyes looked sad and dim. Like he was tired. Emotionally tired. 

 

“Is something wrong?” I asked. 

 

Yongguk pulled away from our embrace and smiled, turning away from me. He shook his head slightly and let out a soft chuckle. I furrowed my eyebrows and followed his every movement, not being able to ignore the strange feeling that something was wrong. 

 

“No.” he answered. “I just wanted you to know.” 

 

Yongguk turned to set his phone onto the night stand and I scooted closer to him. I slowly slid my arms around his waist from behind, before resting my cheek against his back and listened to his breathing. As my fingers brushed past his ribs, I felt them stick out distinctly through his shirt. I hadn’t noticed how skinny he’d gotten. My fingers entwined together at his stomach and I felt Yongguk hand find mine, before squeezing them gently. 

 

“Of course I know.” I whispered. 

 

“Good.” I heard his deep chuckle against his back. 

 

I unwrapped my arms from around his waist and moved my hands to his shoulder, massaging them. I felt the knots in his muscles, as I tried to relieve them. I heard Yongguk sigh as his shoulders slouched in relaxation and he leaned his neck back to stretch it. 

 

“But just because you love me, doesn’t mean you should hide things from me, Yongguk.” I said. “Don’t ever feel that your problems will burden me, so make sure you tell me whatever’s on your mind.”

 

I continued to massage his shoulders in silence, neither of us saying anything. I propped up onto my knees and shuffled right up against his back. I dropped my hands from his shoulders to wrap them around his waist again and pressed the side of my face against his cheek. I listened to his breathing and loved how he’d let my just envelop him in my arms, even though his frame was a lot larger than me. 

 

I turned my head slightly and kissed his cheek. 

 

“I love you.” I whispered. 

 

He nodded his head and reached a hand up to pinched my nose. We both chuckled lightly before I untangled my arms from around him and scooted back to my side of the bed. I pulled back the blanket and nestled back into bed before turning to him, watching him get ready to also settle in bed.  

 

It wasn’t until Yongguk was laying in bed that I felt at ease. It wasn’t until I saw him beside me that I was truly sure that he was okay. I turned to the lamp and switched it off before closing my eyes, letting the sound of his steady breath and the sound his light cologne ease me into sleep.