How can a person love someone if they don't know how to love themselves in first place.

 

This question was always haunting me. Following me deep into my thoughts and I didn't know how to describe my feelings until now.

 

It wasn't possible. It wasn't possible a person could fall in love for someone that did not love themself in the first place and I had to be taught this on my own. As I fell in love for the first time of my life.

 

But me being unaware of how to feel about myself ruined everything. Being unaware if I should hate or love myself. Why didn't I know what to feel? Why was it impossible for me, to figure it out?

 

- - - - -

 

High School

 

„...“ Someone calls me, by my name.

 

„...“ Again. Again this voice that seems so familiar.

 

„...“ It should stop. Let it stop. Stop calling me.

 

I open my eyes just to face him. The person that called me so often the past minutes, or didn't he? „… . Finally you are awake. How could you even fall asleep in class?“ How? He asks me how I'm able to fall asleep in class when my nights are sleepless? But I should not bother him. „I don't know.“ Finally those words are leaving my lips and I feel like it took me hours to create this easy sentence in my head.

„Alright. Come get up. The weather is nice and we should enjoy the last few minutes of our break.“ I nod. The only thing I'm able to do. My body feels like a stone, not wanting to move any centimetre- If only he wouldn't have woke me up I may could still be asleep. Feel cozy and warm. But now a fresh breeze strikes my cheek and curses me goosebumps. „C'mon … I finally managed to wake you up. It shouldn't be for nothing.“ With that he grabs my hand and helps me out of the seat.

„Min Hyun?“ I ask as we are walking through the long corridor, passing other students. „Huh?“ He turns around to check on me and I feel how I start to blush. One thing I hate is being in the centre of someones attention. „How long did I sleep?“ A soft sigh is leaving my mouth as he turns around and continues to move. „Maybe thirty minutes? I'm not sure. I can't always have an eye on you.“ With that I feel a pain in my chest not knowing the reason for it.

As we then finally arrive at the schoolyard the sun is being covered by clouds, the wind is moving my hair and my clothes softly. I can hear the birds singing in the trees and the students talking with each other. It all appears to be normal. But for me it isn't. For some reason I can't feel happy or relieved. Other than that I feel observed as someone is watching me from above, observing every move I make. As I look around there is no one having an eye on me. Not even a bird or something else. But the feeling I still have, unsure why it makes my heart racing.

„I didn't want to ask you at first-“ Min Hyun faces me again. „But are you feeling alright? You appear somewhat strange to me today.“ „What are you saying there Min Hyun. I'm alright. Trust me.“ He's still glaring at me and in his eyes is written that he doesn't believe a single word I just said. I let out a sigh preparing myself for the upcoming question. But it doesn't happen to be asked. „If you say so.“ What the- He never would let me get away with an answer like this, but why this time?

Min Hyun is somewhat known as a brother. At least that's what the other students think about the two of us. We are just acting like brother and sister, even if we aren't connected by blood. But is that the truth? Is he really just a brother for me? Am I just a sister to him? The only thing I know is him being overprotective towards me. He would always happen to know how I feel and what did happen. So it makes me worried he doesn't continue to argue with me about the fact I just lied to him.

I feel a soft pressure on my back and as I want to turn around I'm caught in a hug. „Min Hyun?“ His eyes are red, tears over his soft cheeks, making the shoulder of my uniform wet. „Can we just- Just stay like this for a second? I ask you this as a favour.“ The only thing I can do is saying: „Alright.“ Is this a goodbye? What for? Why is he crying? I keep getting bothered by thousands of questions.

 

- - - - -

 

After this hug I never saw Min Hyun ever again.

 

Was it my fault?

 

That he was leaving me?

 

That everyone I seemed to love just disappeared? Getting ereased out of my mind?

 

I would never understand . . . But I never happened to think about Min Hyun again. I never happened to miss him. It wasn't normal but I was used to it.

 

Used to the fact everyone would leave me at some point in my life.

 

- - - - -

 

College

 

I hate being here. Being dragged into class by a person I don't even like but who appears to like me or sees a friend in me. Anyways I not even asked him to be by my side. For an unknown reason he is. He is always with me, trying to have small talks with me. What for? Just to some day disappear like every other person before? No. Not this time.

„...“ The teacher calls my name to check on my attendence in class. I forcefully raise my hand and mumble a „Yes“ The next name being called is not a surprise for me anymore, though I still ask myself how I deserve to be followed by a boy like that. „Im Jae Bum?“ A young boy, just a few years older than me, raises his hand followed by a „I'm present.“

As the teacher finishes checking the attendence, with a smile he tells us his plans for this lesson. „You should work on a partner project. Since I know there are some groups already developed, I happen to made a list of students working together, to break the natural structure. I will now call the two students that will work together for the next weeks.“

With every couple the teacher announces my tension rises. He as well as me weren't named until now. „… and Im Jae Bum.“ Without wanting I already knew it. I knew that I would need to work with that guy. Students are talking with each other. Probably they talk about what luck I have to be able to work with the best student of the whole class. But it isn't luck at least for me. Working with him is, for me, the worst thing that could happen.

„Hello partner.“ He smiles at me. It makes me want to cringe. This smile doesn't seem to be nice and warm. It's sending me cold vibes. Vibes no one other than me would feel. „Why me?“ I ask but I don't get a reply. Only a grin. It's his reply. A sardonic grin.

 

- - - - -

 

„...“ I turn around to face my friend, Park Ji Min. She's the only person that happens to be close to me. The only person I can trust and who would never betray me. My comfort zone, the only person I can be myself with. „You look like you've seen a ghost. What happened?“ I sit down on the cold stones of the old fontain in front of the school. Ji Min happens to do the same. „You know him or? Im Jae Bum?“ She nods and waits for me to continue.

„In class we are supposed to do a partner project about music or something. I don't know what it is about anymore-“ „Because you fell asleep in class again?“ Ji Min cuts me off, trying to hide a laughter. „Yeah.“ I reply and expect her to end up laughing about me. „You can't sleep properly for some time now or? It seems you are always tired when coming into school. I didn't want to ask you but now I need to. You should finally fix your sleeping schedule or find out the reason why you can't sleep.“

 

Overprotecting.

 

She is overprotecting just as Min- I shake my head, trying to forget what I was thinking about. „Maybe you are right. But yeah- The thing I want to tell you is that I have to work with him.“ She giggles. „How cute. He can finally have the chance to get close to you.“ No. I just want to say no. He isn't as cute as everyone thinks. For me he is poison. Something unknown that makes me suffer when I think about it. The reason for my sleepless nights-