OST: Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara
 

“I’m fat and so unattractive.”

“My skin is ugly.”

“I will not be able to get that because I don’t deserve it.”

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and had these thoughts running through your head? If yes, you need to STOP it right this very second.

I’m no expert in self-improvement or psychology, but I am nearly 34 years old (therefore I believe I am entitled to my experiences and opinions) and there are a few things I am very concerned of in this life.

One of those is about girls and confidence.

Mind you, this could be relatable for men as well, but since it’s not my gender, I don’t feel I have the credibility to speak for them as well.

Through my teenage years, I’ve always wanted to be covergirl slim and felt wrong and not confident because I’m not that slim.

My skin is the yellow shade that is originally Indonesian, but I dreamed to have – yet again – covergirl fair skin.

My low self confidence and awkwardness lessened when I entered the best college in town and convinced myself that after all, I do have a brain (bear with me, I do have a point).

And my confidence increases still to a normal level after I extend my social circle and used my ability to listen to people’s stories and woes, and encourage them to feel better.

I become friends with men and women, and learned something.

Even girls that actually HAVE covergirl-slim figure and covergirl-fair skin are often not confident.

I know this slim girl, who looks like Rihanna, a friend that is profound in her abilities, once only ate an apple a day because she felt she’s fat. While in reality, she’s slim.

I know another girl, someone very close to my heart, who basically could become a supermodel, thinks she’s ugly.

I know yet another girl, who become the love crush of many guys, and looks dazzling without makeup, has absolutely no courage to go to the mall without makeup.

I often wonder WHY?

Why this gaping hole of feeling incomplete, not good enough and insecure, even when others see you close to perfect?

It’s a problem we all need to solve.

Because in severe cases, this insecurity can lead to depression. And we all know how dark a pit that is.

On the other hand, I know plus size girls, who are far from fashion magazine standard of being slim, and also far from the Indonesian beauty industry’s standard of fair skin, who – more or less, because there are no other words that could fit – are rocking their lives by being awesome in their professions, giving to the community, and looking amazingly fabulous while doing so.

They are confident and most importantly, HAPPY.

And then there are some other girls.

When they were single, they grief.

When they were dating, they were unhappy.

When they finally got married, they still complained that life was hard.

When they had no children, they felt incomplete.

And when they finally HAVE children, they feel life is full of sufferings.

Meanwhile, I know girls who are single and happy, inside out.

Then what’s the problem?

Because this is something I’ve been bothered with for the past decade.

And because there are my friends and students from the past years that I want to read this.

I conclude that it all goes down to self-love, self-respect and gratitude.

Self-love doesn’t mean you have to be this annoying egocentric diva who always walk with your nose high in the air and think others are beneath you.

Self-love means you accept yourself as you are, flaws and awesomeness included, from the top of your head to your toe, in your heart and in your brain.

Self-respect doesn’t mean you become haughty or arrogant. But you respect yourself enough to work for your dreams and to walk away from situations that HURT you.

I have a friend who got beaten by her boyfriend several times a year but she will not leave him, because she thought no one else would want to be with her.

I love that friend but I think she’s hurting herself AND have no willingness to safe herself.

Please, have some self-respect.

Lastly, be grateful. You could have a thirty something million rupiah or more paycheck per month, you could fly to Europe twice a year, and you could have the looks. But if you are not grateful with what you have, life would never feel great. Or even worth-living.

On another note, you could have only the minimum paycheck allowed by the country, have to save to go to your hometown every Eid Al- Fitr, and you might have limited wardrobe and beauty products, but when someone asks, “Are you happy? Are you having a good time?” you could beam and honestly and sincerely say “Yes.”

For all the girls who are feeling they are never good enough, please listen to me:

1. You are beautiful. Yes, you are. If you don’t believe it, lie to yourself. Say it out loud. Say “I am beautiful” many times a day, until you believe it.

2. Perhaps your outer appearance is not perfect, but that’s because you’re human, not because you’re not good enough. NO ONE is perfect, Girl, I assure you that. Those Victoria’s Secret models? They have confessed that they too, sometimes have insecurities about their looks and bodies.

3. You might not be perfect, but maybe you have gorgeous eyes, pretty lips, or clear skin that would look flawless even if you only wash your face with cheap soap. If your body size bothers you, who cares, if, for example, you have a beautiful voice? Find your favourite things about yourself and flaunt it. Be proud with it.

4. I am always attracted to kind people. Those careless beings who give to others without hoping for something back. Those people who get up from their seats in public transport for old or pregnant ladies. Those who help somebody carry something heavy without being asked, those who hug people who cry, those who inspire by walking the talk. Physical beauty could disappear with age. Characters would stay and make you become memorable.

5. Also – intelligence is y. Smart people are close to superheroes in my dictionary. Those who are experts in their fields, those girls who can sew their own dresses (like magic). Makeup artists, chefs in da house who could cook unforgettable meals, people who can play musical instruments. Whoever you are, you must be good in at least a few things. Or one thing. Be an expert in that. You’re the most beautiful when you shine doing what you love.

If you often feel you’re not good enough, you can try these things:

1. Reach out and ask your friends and family how they see you. You’ll be surprised of how good you are in their eyes. Sometimes we are our worst critic. Learn to see yourself through the eyes of those who love and care about you. Your life will change positively because of that.

2. Write a journal. Many research have proven that writing a journal could reduce stress, anxiety and depression. Write what worries you. Write about your days. Write about what you love and hate. Write about your dreams and fears. It will help. You will know yourself better and would even see solutions or comfort from doing so.

3. Get closer to God. Pray. Meditate. Read your holy scriptures. It calms you down and gives you comfort. If you don’t believe in God, then meditate for calmness, self-motivation and relaxation.

4. Realize that there are many who are not as fortunate as you. Donate your money, time and or energy for those who are in need. You will feel more grateful about your life in general and feel better about yourself.

5. Stop berating yourself about past mistakes. It’s over. It’s done. But you are still alive, and when you’re alive, you can always improve.

6. Write down what you are grateful for each day. Even if it’s only “had a tasty lunch”, “the scary boss smiled at me” or “took the stairs and not the elevator to burn some calories” . These things add up and you’ll realize that after all, you have a lot of reasons to be happy about.

7. Have a social media diet. If you feel your life is so boring compared to those on your Instagram feeds, then maybe it’s time for you to log out. Remember, do not compare your behind the scenes with somebody else’s highlights. We often forget that people always show the best parts of their life in social media, and hide the not so good parts. The less time you spend on social media, the happier you’ll be. If a radical decrease is hard, try having one full day in the week without opening social media, and try to remember what you used to do before there were smartphones.

8. Be around people who make you happy, inspire you and or make you forget to check your phone. Distance yourself from negative people who hate more than they love, who your energy with their endless complaints and who never seem to be happy.

9. Be expressive. Actually, it’s up to you. But I think life is a lot more fun when we express what we think and feel. Without being rude, of course. Praise other people when they dress nicely. Laugh out loud when you hear hilarious jokes. Cry, hug, smile, scream, jump. Not to be crazy or a social firecracker, for sure. However, life is indeed a lot more fun when you are expressive, rather than always being aloof and guarded.

10. Have a dream to pursue. It could be small. Like buying that handbag, going to that concert, or having that trip in another country. It could be big. Having your own business, having your own house, building your own school. It could be idealistic. Erasing world’s poverty, inequality and injustice. Whatever it is, you need to WANT something, to make you get up each day and feel life is worth living. You need to have a dream to pursue to be grateful for each day you wake up and having the chance to make it happen. If you don’t have any dreams, FIND it.

Overall, Ladies, please remember. Whatever your size or skin colour you are beautiful. Be grateful for each day. Have self-love, self-respect and be grateful for what you have. Hold your head high and face this world in the eye. You are worthy, good enough and meant to be in this world.