The first time I saw you,

Well, it wasn't anything special.

No sparks, no fireworks, the world did not stop spinning, nothing.

It was nothing, really.

But the funny thing is, I still remember clearly what it was like.

 

 

It was on my third week in University. In my first class on Monday. We were presenting our video, which was the first assignment for the subject. I can't remember much. It was almost 2 years ago, so that explains the lack of memories. But, I still remember the first time I laid my eyes on him. He wore his usual dress shirt, with a book in his hand, talking confidently. No hint of nervousness could be seen on his face. It's funny because what I saw was just him in the video. I didn't even notice his existence in the class before.

I remembered thinking “Oh he’s good”, because his English were good and he did his part very well, and unconsciously, I took note of his existence. I started to wonder where he sat in the class and I glanced around the room, trying to find the same face that I saw in the video. Realizing that there were more than 50 students in the class, and it would be hard to find him, I just shrugged it off and returned my attention to the video.  I guess, at that time, it didn't matter that much.

After the video ended, the lecturer praised someone in the group.

"DaeHyun, you did a great job at that."

For some reason, even if I didn't know his name at that time, I knew the lecturer was praising him, because honestly, we shared the same thought.

'So, your name is DaeHyun huh. Cool'  I thought to myself.

Then, I spotted him, sitting in the front row, smiling while his friends patted his back.

I raised my eyebrows and nodded to myself. 'He looks alright'

 

Little did I know you would be the person I'll fall in love with.

 

 

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I continued living my life as usual. Nothing changed, of course. I went to class, finish my assignments, hang out with my friends, nothing special. I almost forgot that he exists, to be very honest, but forgetting him was proven to be near impossible. The fact that he was my classmate didn't help either.

He was quite popular among the girls, and at that time I'm not sure why. He is good looking, alright, but that was that. Even if I didn't pay attention to him, people around me would keep on reminding me that he exists. I kept hearing things like this girl in my class liked him, and this girl have a crush on him as well, and then I heard that he actually liked someone in our class. All of this information and gossips going around making it hard to ignore his existence,.

Later on, I'd found out that he is a pretty good singer. He plays guitar and piano too. 'No wonder girls are all over you', I thought. 'Lucky for me, I have no reason to be all over you.'

 

How I wish that was true.

 

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The first time I've ever been close to him, was when we were put in the same group for our class project for Listening & Speaking subject, the same class where learnt about his existence. I can't remember the rest of my groupmates, and what we did as a group, but oddly enough, I remember him, and everything we did together.

For the class project, we decided to do some kind of musical show and all groups had to perform something. We would gather at a hall somewhere near the girl's hostel at night and finish the rehearsal at about 11PM to 12PM. I always had to walk home alone, since I was the only one from our class who lived at another hostel which is quite far from the hall we rehearsed at.

I remember how we practiced the choreography for Beat It, by Michael Jackson. I remember how I laughed at him because, boy, he was really bad at dancing. It took us a while to teach him the steps until he get it right. I remember how he picked up his guitar and sing random songs. How I just looked at him, occasionally singing along if I knew the lyrics. I also remember when he was deciding on what song we should sing, he randomly suggested a song and when he mentioned I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith, I excitedly said that it was one of my favourite song, and his face light up and he said "Let's sing it together then!."

But we never did sing it together.

One day, at the end of our rehearsal, I was packing my stuff, ready to go back to my room. It was later than usual, and almost all of my classmates already went home, leaving a few who were still packing and some were chatting. I smiled and waved at those who were nearby, but then one of my classmates stopped me and said, "Are you walking home alone?."

"Uh yeah." 'Like I usually did.'  I thought to myself.

Then she said, "What, no, it's past midnight, it's dangerous for you to walk alone!”

I raised my eyebrows, "I don't know if you noticed, but I’m a guy. I can walk by myself, thank you for your concern.”

"Nuh uh, I won't let you. What if something happens?"

I was about to answer that but she cut me off and said, "Go back with DaeHyun. He'll walk you home. Won't you Dae?."

I was taken aback by that and blinked in confusion. ‘What? ‘

I looked at DaeHyun, who was looking at us silently nearby. He nodded and said,

"Yeah, sure. We ended the rehearsal late today. It'll be dangerous for you to walk home alone. Wait there, I'll be done in a sec." He went off and packed his stuff.

I was still confused about the whole situation. First of all, for the past weeks, I've been walking home alone, and no one give a damn about it. And now suddenly someone is concerned and asked DaeHyun, out of all people, to accompany me back? Second of all, the girl who asked DaeHyun to accompany me back actually had a crush on him. Like, don't you want him to accompany YOU back? But then I realised there was no point for him to walk her home since her hostel is near the hall. I frowned, still confused.

Then, DaeHyun approached me and asked me to wait again since he had to go buy something at the cafe next to the hall. I rolled my eyes and thought, 'I'd be home by now if I just walk by myself.' I sighed and decided to wait for him since he told me not to go anywhere.

After a while, he came back and made a gesture for us to get going. I stood up and walked towards him. He was holding his laptop and I frowned. "Why didn't you put it in your bag?."

He smiled sheepishly and said, "It's full. My laptop doesn't fit."

I shook my head. 'Idiot'

And as if on cue, small droplets of rain started to pour. Fortunately, it was just a light drizzle. I had my umbrella with me but I didn't open it because it would be awkward standing under the umbrella with him. But, seeing how he whined about how the rain would destroy his laptop, I offered to hold the umbrella for him. But he refused and chuckled lightly at my offer, as if it was ridiculous of me to even suggest that. I was slightly offended because, 'How dare he laughed at my generosity!.'  But I decided to let the matter slide and put my umbrella back in my bag.

We chatted a bit. About the class project, about what we were feeling at the moment. Our steps were not rushed, we just walked slowly, or maybe it was just me feeling as if the time moved in a slow pace, giving us time to talk to each other. It was nice. The drizzle was nice as well. Everything felt just right. Until he reached his hostel. Well, my hostel was just right next to his, so it was okay for me to just walk the rest of it alone. He stopped and looked at me, before saying goodbye and told me to be careful. I smiled and waved at him, and thanked him before I walked away.

 

 

I still remember it clearly. The weather, your voice, the way you looked down on the ground when you talked to me, your shy smile. Everything.

Even if it was almost 2 years ago.

Because I think that was when I started to fall for you

 

 

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When the day for the actual performance comes, our group dressed in black. We waited outside the class for our turn. He kept on playing with his guitar, messing around and bothering other people. I didn't realise I had a smile on my face the whole time I looked at him. It was when my friend told me about it that I started to question my feelings. But I guess that was not the time for it, so I pushed the thought to the back of my mind and focused on our performance.

I also didn't notice that I took a picture of him playing his guitar, secretly. I just thought that he looked cool and wanted to take a picture, because I was taking random pictures of my other classmates anyway, so I thought that was normal. Nothing weird going on, just me taking pictures of my classmate.

When it was our turn, we started it off smoothly and I was quite proud with our performance. At the end of it, he started to playfully hitting on one of the girls in our group, and that was the cue for us to start singing. He couldn't remember the lyrics well since it was not his idea to sing that particular song, but I memorised the lyrics so he turned to look at me, at my lips to be precise, because he needed help with the lyrics. So, we kind of end up singing together because we were looking at each other, even though he was supposed to look at the other girl who he was trying to 'hit' on just a moment ago.

I mentally rolled my eyes because, really, how could he forget the lyrics when he was supposed to be the main act in our performance? But, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the moment.

 

 

 

It was nothing big, nothing spectacular, but I still remember every little moment I had with you. Even if it was insignificant.

 

 

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All of that happened when we were in our first semester. We didn't have the same class for the next two semesters, so I didn't get to see him much. I didn't even think that I liked him or had any feelings for him, so all of those moments just, disappeared from my mind. Well, that’s why I thought.

Until we were in our fourth semester.

I got the news that he would be in the same group as me. Which means that he would be in all of my classes. He was originally placed in another group, but he and his group of friends requested to change it. For some reason, I started to panic. I didn't understand why. It's not like we had a fight or I did something embarrassing in front of him or anything. I couldn't understand myself.

When our fourth semester officially started, I arrived early at our first class. Just out of habit. It was all peaceful and nice, until I saw a familiar mop of hair. My heartbeat started to speed up. I frowned and put my head on the table. 'What's wrong with me?.'

For the rest of the semester, I tried my best to ignore him. I really did.

 

 

But how can I ignore your existence when it had caught my attention since day one?

 

------

 

 

I finally admit it. In our fifth semester.

That I might be falling in love with you.

But it was too late.

 

 ------

 

 

When I looked back, I realised that even small things like him saying hi to me got me all flustered and happy.

Like that day when I was walking aimlessly at the cafe, and I sensed that someone was waving at me, and when I looked up, it was him. God knows how fast the smile spread on my face, unconciously, and I waved back. I stopped where he stands for a moment and asked what was he doing and said goodbye to him. I couldn't stop smiling and thinking about it the whole way back.

And that one day, when I came back from the toilet alone and walked to the class, I spotted him standing outside with some of his friends. He called my name and I looked at him. “Uh what?” and he said “Nothing.”, while giving me that innocent smile. I entered the class all puzzled and curious.

Also, the day where I was half an hour late to Translation II class, and when I entered, he was sitting at the very back and he turned and smiled cutely at me. I couldn't get his smile out of my mind.

And during our fifth semester, when we were assigned in the same group for Reading activity and he called for my name, but when I turned around, he just smiled, and his friend waved and said hi to me, and the girl beside him said “Nothing,” And again, I was left all confused and puzzled.

In Writing for Media class, where he asked if the seat beside me was taken. I said no, and he sat next to me, and asked about what I was doing at the bank earlier that day. I answered. On the next class, he sat at the same spot, but I didn’t and I moved to the seat far from him. That was the last time he sat there.

But all those cute smiles have disappeared recently. He didn’t wave at me, he didn’t greet me or smile cutely at me anymore. Maybe because he knew I like him. He probably didn’t want to give me false hope. Or maybe he was just disgusted by it.

Probably.

 

I guess I didn’t appreciate those little gestures, and now when it’s gone, I regret for not greeting you first, waved at you first, or called your name first.

 

 

 ------

 

 

I am hopeless. I don’t even know if this is love or just a stupid temporary feelings. Just now on twitter, he posted a video of him singing some songs, and a girl replied. She asked my classmate, Jongup, who DaeHyun is and asked whether he has a girlfriend or not, and JongUp replied that DaeHyun doesn't have a girlfriend, but he doesn’t think he’s available.

Of course he has someone. Someone like him couldn't possibly be single. Even if not as a girlfriend, he probably has someone special in his heart. I don't know how to feel about that. I don't have the right to be jealous or mad. I’m not his boyfriend.

 

Boyfriend, huh. Is he even gay?

I'm a nobody in his life, really.

My mind are filled with 'what ifs'. What if I talked to him first?

What if I asked him about those time where I felt confused?

What if I smiled at him first?

What if I approached him first?

But it was too late for that now.

This is the last semester, and the next semester, all of us would be going for our internship before graduating. We will not be seeing each other until graduation. So, this is it.

 

The end of my first love story.

 

Unrequited.

 

 ------

 

 

For all of those who are in love, greet them first. Talk to them, you'll never know. Even just a simple 'hi' could light up someone's day. Don't take too much time to figure out your feelings. Even if it is unrequited, at least you've tried. At least you made some memories. At least you made an effort. At least you didn't have to think about 'what ifs' and regret for not doing anything,

At least you get to be happy.

Even if it just for a while.

Before it’s too late.

No regrets.

 

 

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Author notes:

Hi, it's been a while isn't it? I doubt any of you even remember me lol. This was something that I wrote a year ago. I decided to share this because, I feel like this kind of story is relatable for some people. And yes, it's a true story. I will say it's 90% true. So umm, thanks for dropping by, and reading this. It means a lot to me :)

 

p/s: Please forgive me if there's a grammatical error, or any other mistakes. But do comment on it if you found any, I would appreciate that.