Junmyeon stares at his phone, the name of the contact person Xingxing <3 in bold letters seems to be glaring at him now chanting call me, call me, call me — He really, really misses him right now. He wonders if Yixing is thinking of him too. The longingness to hear his voice is unbearable.

 

Should he or should he not call him?

 

He chooses not to, since the alcohol he intaked awhile ago still has a bit of an effect in his system. Drunk calling Yixing at this hour is not a good idea, if he voices out his feelings he’ll definitely sound needy and he doesn’t want to disturb the Chinese. He glances at the clock, it’s a quarter after one. Maybe Yixing is resting right now or still working? who knows? He sighs and ruffles his hair in frustration. 

 

The members had a small party at the dorm earlier, in celebration of Sehun's new casting in a movie. They tried to video call Yixing multiple times but he didn't answer. The members that maybe Yixing has someone else in China that’s why he’s not answering their calls.

 

Junmyeon frowns and Minseok notices the discomfort in his expression. He pats his shoulder and says, “Junmyeon-ah, don’t mind them they’re just joking and they’re drunk. We all know how loyal Yixing is.”  He nods absentmindedly and lets his mind wander off to other things but no amount of alcohol or entertainment from s could shake off the heaviness looming in his chest. He doesn’t want to spoil the celebration so he excuses himself saying that he’s tired and locks himself in the bedroom leaving the members with a concerned look on their faces. 

 

Junmyeon places his phone on the bedside table and decides to confront the inner battle that’s happening in his mind right now. What exactly does he want? Well, that’s easy, he wants Yixing. He loves Yixing. They are together but not physically. Is it possible that Yixing doesn’t want him anymore? Maybe he found someone in China better than Junmyeon? Someone who speaks the same language as him, shares the timezone, someone who he can be physically with, someone more attractive than him. Perhaps he doesn’t love him anymore? 

 

Maybe what he wants is a little validation that they are still together, that they can overcome this insufferable time and distance between them. He scoffs at his misery, maybe he's just drunk. His chest feels heavy at his heart-rending thoughts.

 

He understands that the schedule of the Chinese is demanding. He just wishes that he can give him a little bit of his time to call him back or respond to his texts. It's been months since they last saw each other physically and weeks since they last video called. 

 

Junmyeon plops on the bed and hugs the bunny plushie Yixing gave him 8 years ago, before their debut. The bunny plushie is Yixing's first gift to Junmyeon and he treasures it so much, he wouldn't even let others touch it.

 

He's about to drift off to sleep when his phone rings, his chest tightened when he sees the contact name.

 

Xingxing <3 calling...

 

The inner battle in his mind starts again. Should he or should he not answer? He contemplates if he should just ignore the call as a payback to all the unanswered calls and text messages he sent the previous days.

 

He panicked when the ringing stopped, his chest felt heavier than before until it rings again. He loses all his self-control and presses the green button 

 

“Hi Myeonnie.”  Yixing’s voice sounds raspy and tired but he tries to hide it by the enthusiastic tone. 

 

There it is, he hears Yixing’s voice softly calling his name and all the walls crumble down. All his pent up longing and frustration blows up and the tears just voluntarily flow down on his cheeks. He grips the sheets while sobbing uncontrollably.

 

In front of everyone, he needs to be strong, to be protective, to be in control. A lot of people looks up to him especially the members relying on him for advice and support, it’s not easy to be a leader and he needs to put it together. But sometimes, even the strongest person can break down and when he does, he needs Yixing. They are each other's emotional support system. 

 

“What's wrong, baby? Are you crying?” 

 

Yixing whispers breathing exercises at him. Afterward, he hums a Chinese song to further calm him down. 

 

Junmyeon thinks this is the time to confirm his thoughts awhile ago. He should confront Yixing now. He’s afraid of rejection but it’s tormenting to battle his own thoughts. 

 

Junmyeon composes himself and shakily says, "Do you still love me?"

His voice comes out like a squeak and he wonders if Yixing hears his question clearly. He bites his lip and breathes deeply, his heart hammering in his chest while waiting for the response on the other line.

 

"of course I do, why would you ask that? I love you Junmyeon. You are the only love of my life."  Yixing says with conviction, with no hint of hesitation.

 

"If you still love me then why don't you give me a little bit of your time? I'm not demanding you much. I just want a reply from my texts or an answer to my call at least once a day. I'm always thinking about you and I’m constantly worried if you're taking care of yourself there. If you can’t answer my calls then call me back when you're on a break or the next day. Is it so hard to do that?"  

 

Junmyeon exhales before continuing, “These past few weeks, I feel like you’re an unreachable star. You’re literally unreachable, you don’t reply to my texts or answer my calls! You make me feel like I’m begging for a bit of your time. It’s so frustrating to wait for a reply or a call back that I do not know if it will come!” Junmyeon raises his voice, so loud he thinks the members can hear him since the volume of the music on the living room suddenly lowers down.

 

Consequently, the heaviness in Junmyeon’s chest gradually decreases. It feels liberating to let out all the pent up frustration he’s been keeping the past few days. 

 

"I'm sorry Myeonnie, my schedule is jampacked I can't even breathe for myself. These past few days, I wake up early and sleep at almost dawn.  After long hours of filming, I always collapse in my bed due to exhaustion. I'm really sorry it's not my intention to ignore you but it's my fault for not making an effort to call you back or text you in the past few days."

 

Yixing is crying.

 

Junmyeon can hear the sniffling on the other line. He can feel the sincerity in Yixing’s voice, he’s clearly upset at himself. Junmyeon feels like an idiot for snapping at him and doubting Yixing’s love for him. 

 

"I'm sorry for making you feel that way. But I want you to remember that you're the only one for me. No one comes close to you, Junmyeon. I understand that you're angry at me. I will not make any promises but I will try my best effort to respond to your messages and return your calls." 

 

The thing about Yixing is he never makes an excuse for his shortcomings. He always makes sure to learn and make up from it 

 

Yixing loves Junmyeon. The evidence lies in the songs he made and dedicated to him. Yixing pouring his love and admiration to his muse. Immortalizing his feelings through poetic lyrics and melodies. 

 

"It's okay, Yixing. I understand. I'm sorry for snapping and being too dramatic. Maybe I'm still a bit drunk from earlier." Junmyeon mutters, “A-And I… I just miss you so much.”

 

Junmyeon loves Yixing. The thing about Junmyeon is his patience is admirable. From subtle looks in the training room to budding friendship to tteokbokki dates to that moment of realization that their mutual feelings with each other goes beyond friendship — they have come a long way and Junmyeon will fight for it, will fight for their relationship. 5 years ago, when he accepted Yixing’s proposal to be his boyfriend he understands that it will not be easy. He accepts Yixing and everything about him, all the good and the bad. 

 

“I miss you too, baby.”

 

The silence lingers and Junmyeon wonders if Yixing fell asleep until he hears the muffling sounds on the other line.

 

"Myeonnie? Are you still there? If you’re listening, again I want to say I'm sorry baby. I love you. Please don't doubt my love for you." Yixing says in a pleading voice. 

 

Junmyeon can imagine Yixing pouting in the other line, his dimples deepening in an attempt to disarm Junmyeon. He softly chuckles at the image.

 

"Do you have a free day next week?" 

 

"I have 2 days off."

 

"Ok, I'll fly to China. Text me where you're staying and I'll go there." Junmyeon says instantaneously.

 

"Myeonnie... You don't have too. I know you're busy too."

 

A good relationship is not always plain sailing. It takes sacrifices and compromising. Most of the time, it’s Yixing who goes out of his way to arrange his schedule and books a flight to Seoul to meet with Junmyeon and the members. This time, Junmyeon decides to go to him.

 

"But I want too." Junmyeon continues not allowing Yixing to cut him off, "And don't argue with me, Zhang Yixing. My musical schedule ended the other day and my next commitment is scheduled 2 weeks from now so I’m free next week."

 

"Yes, leader." Yixing teasingly says, obviously delighted on the offer.  "I'll have something to look forward too. I’ll even cook for you.” 

 

“By the way”

 

“Hmmm…” Yixing hums at the other line, encouraging him to go on.

 

“I love you too, Xingxing.”

 

Yixing giggles and Junmyeon breaks into a smile. He badly wants time to go faster so that they can be together. He craves Yixing’s warm hugs and sweet kisses.

 

“And don’t forget to send your congratulations to Sehunnie. He’s sulking awhile ago cause you didn’t answer his video call.”

 

“Oh yes, I heard he got casted in a new movie. I’ll call him tomorrow or rather later around noon.” Yixing chuckles.

 

Junmyeon yawns, “Goodnight Xingxing.” 

 

“Goodnight Myeonnie. I’ll stay here until you fall asleep.”

 

 

 

 

It’s half-past three now. Junmyeon can feel his eyelids getting heavier as Yixing’s soothing voice on the other line lulls him to sleep. His chest feels lighter. He’s calm and content. He hugs his bunny plushie tighter and drifts off to sleep.