music: back in time by lyn, moon embraces the sun ost

She, admittedly, looks out for Park Dalhyang, and lets her gaze linger on him for a duration too long for propriety. It often takes a few probing, "Your Highness, this isn't appropriate," from her ladies-in-waiting to get her to tear her eyes away. Maybe because she's been feeling so lonely in the palace, maybe because she knows that the Crown Prince doesn't really love her, maybe because she's just reminiscing about her lost youth. Truth, her logic tells her. Excuses, her heart cries. He's changed. No longer the boyish, fun-loving teenager in the sun-filled village by the sea. Park Dalhyang has blossomed into a full-grown young man, muscular, strong and lithe with a sword, and she can only watch him from afar, hidden by the trees, because they are so different, yet alike. Perhaps, if the Crown Prince had just loved her a bit more, she would not be viewing an officer of the court in such a manner, but she knows the words in the letter, though naive and innocent, still hold truth. She's young, but she can differentiate between the reverence she holds for the Crown Prince and the tenderness she feels when Dalhyang meets her gaze occasionally and sends her a small smile. 

These moments dissipate as quickly as they happen, when she is forced to remember the difference in their positions and their societal status. He always does a bow and a curt nod, with a hushed "Your Highness", and it pains her, because she does not want to be the Crown Princess. She wants to become the Yoon Eunjoo she once was, the girl who had promised him her hand in marriage. She wants to become Park Dalhyang's woman, but she cannot, not when she is the next in line to become the mother of Joseon. She can only watch as he loses himself in the intense training of the military, transitioning from a bow to a sword to a gun, taming wild horses from time to time. She can only watch as bruises sprout on his skin, and cuts litter his torso, fingers itching to touch, to heal. She can only watch as palace maids, each pretty and youthful, hand him medicinal rub and bowls of water, and he smiles, widely, back at them, without the need to restrain the expressions on his face. And wrench her gaze away when "Your Highness, this isn't appropriate," sounds in her ears.

He doesn't love her, and he knows it. The Crown Prince feels bad. He is destined to become the King of Joseon one day, tasked with the mission of making the people of his land happy, of keeping his kingdom at peace, but how can he do this when he is burdened with the guilt of his sins and hurting the ones closest to him? Park Dalhyang is a good man, righteous and talented, and he is a better match for the Crown Princess than he will ever be. He has seen the furtive glances both of them exchange, and as adorable as he thinks they are, it has to stop there, a line that nobody can cross. He feels bad, because he has left her alone on numerous nights ever since she had first entered the palace, but he cannot fulfill the duty as her husband when he has another woman in his heart. It would not do her justice to lay his hands on her whilst imagining it were Mi Ryung in her place. He is in love, just as passionately as Park Dalhyang and the Crown Princess are, with a dangerous woman who wants his life, and he cannot lift himself out of this pit. For now, he has to act the part, a jealous, possessive, over-ambitious young Crown Prince, when he is far from that, just to deceive those who are not looking close enough to see that he is misunderstood. 

He feels bad, when he slashes Dalhyang's arm viciously, drawing fresh blood, and leaves him bound in a chair as bait for the General Yonggoldae when the man is still so fresh to the politics of the Imperial Court. He feels guilt weighing down on him like a thousand stones, when the Crown Princess has tears in her eyes at the injuries he has inflicted on Park Dalhyang, and when she asks him timidly where he has kept the man locked up. Does it make sense for his own wife to be terrified of him? But he grits his teeth, changes the lock to the library where the arbitration is taking place, and almost, almost - throws the key into the well. 

He doesn't. Can't bear to, because he does not love the Crown Princess, and she deserves a man who will.

Life without motivation is strangely foreign to Park Dalhyang. He is a man driven by goals, one who works best when he knows the end in sight. The woman he had fought tooth and nail to arrive in Hanyang for - she is now as unattainable as the stars in the night sky - the Crown Princess of Joseon. He cannot gaze up into her face, let alone hold her gently, nor wipe the faintest trace of tears that appears on her face whenever she makes her exit from the Crown Prince's chambers. He knows she's not happy, but he also knows that there is nothing both of them can do. He sees a little of the old, honest Eunjoo when she breaks down in her chambers, and he boldly lifts the curtains to see her face. She weeps bitterly, pent-up emotions spilling over like a pot of fermented rice left for too long. She asks him what love is, and his heart clenches. He wants to walk forward, hold her to his chest, and never let her go. He wants to kiss her forehead gently, and tell her that this is love, not the daily pleasantries she exchanges with the Crown Prince. But these are desires, selfish ones, and he can only ball his hands into fists, watching her cry. Her eyes soften when he tells her to trust him, and she takes small steps towards him, extending her hand in a clandestine gesture, but the Crown Prince announces his untimely arrival, and Park Dalhyang feels realization wash over him like a bucket of cold water. 

She is the Crown Princess, and he is a mere official who came in last place during the Imperial Examinations, one without a salary nor a fixed position in the Court. He jerks backwards, and makes his move to leave, bowing stiffly, but it is too late. It is fear and horror that he registers on her face when she hides him quickly behind the folding screen of her chamber, and he thinks, hidden in the darkness, listening to the drone of their conversation. He thinks about how she could have been his woman, how many children they could have, the smile that tugs at her lips when he catches her eyes. It hurts, as does the sudden flood of light when the screen is yanked backwards and the Crown Prince's glare is piercing his very bones.

But why would the Crown Prince see red at the loss of something he does not love? Why would he not let the Crown Princess experience happiness, if he is half as benevolent as he claims to be, even if it were one to be kept under wraps, deep within the palace?

Dalhyang thinks, and thinks, until his head hurts, and with his impulsive nature, before he knows it, he is locked in a swordfight with said Prince. Time seems to have stopped, when the Crown Princess intercepts, just as both their swords have swung downwards, ready to strike, lethal, accurate.

He drops his sword, effectively giving up his official status and his chance at life, because she is pleading with him, and there is no tenderness in the eyes of the Crown Prince even when she turns to face him, tears spilling across her cheeks. She places a warm palm on the skin of his face, whispering a "thank you", when he is bound up and being taken into the library where General Yonggoldae is lurking, and he can do nothing but nod once. 

"This is where your weakness lies," the Crown Prince sneers, full of contempt. "Your heart, filled with dreadful emotions that cloud your judgment. You chose to ruin your life." Park Dalhyang does not reply.

As he sits in the darkened room, he remembers the letter he had written to his parents after he passed the examination. "As for Eunjoo, I am sorry towards her, but I may not be marrying her and bringing her back as a daughter-in-law. Hanyang is big, and there are plenty of fish in the sea. Pretty girls are everywhere."

He scoffs at himself, softly, then chuckles, and throws his head back in laughter. He is a fool. Yes, there may be many beautiful ladies inside and outside the palace, but who can help the fact that his gaze keeps drawing back to the one woman he cannot have? This forbidden love that they are not allowed to harbour, one he has to cut himself off from before it comes to fruition - has simply made him change his motivation. Instead of making her his, (because love he wants to show her is not just about possession), he will protect her at all costs and stop her tears from falling, even if he has to put his life on the line. It is foolish, but what can Park Dalhyang do?

So he sits quietly, and waits for the arrival of the General.