it was an average day off for minki; all his band mates were busy watching movies or sleeping and he was left not knowing what to do. he could go out for a walk, but it was raining, and as much as he liked the rain, minki was rather tired and was enjoying the warmth of the dorm.
one may ask- "well, minki, if you're tired, why not sleep?" well, he had tried. but for some reason, he had so many feelings running through his head that he couldn't even manage to shut his eyes.

feelings. emotions. ha, minki thought, what a drag.
minki wondered how long he had known about his crush on jonghyun. no matter how hard he tried to place it, he couldn't remember. it didn't feel like something that had happened, it just felt like something that was always there, like it was just a part of him. minki knew that he had always been in love with jonghyun, he just didn't know when he started to accept it.

he remembered the first time the thought even crossed his mind, though, right after nu'est's debut. he had been 16 at that time. he remembered so clearly being back stage after a performance and feeling jonghyun's arms wrap around his waist from behind. he remembered feeling his face heat up. he remembered how jonghyun had told him he performed well, and how he had responded with some self degrading comment about how he could have done better before hurrying away from the leader as fast as he could because oh my god, did i really just feel my heart flutter?

love was scary. love was something minki didn't understand. because how was he supposed to tell jonghyun how he felt? he wondered how people did it. in movies, there was always a fuss over someone's confession. as a child, minki had found it stupid. as an adult, he felt like it was an understatement. even thinking about confessing to jonghyun gave minki a headache.

as minki lay on his bed, wondering what to do, his eyes fell on the diary his brother had given him a few years back. he never wrote in it because when he had thoughts, he usually talked about them, so he figured he wouldn't have anything to write about. now, he realized that the diary would be a perfect place to vent about his feelings for jonghyun, as he knew he could never tell anyone.

minki picked up the book and opened it to the first page, sitting back on his bed and grabbing a pen from his bedside table. he had seen enough teen dramas to know that girls usually start their diary entries with "dear diary", but minki didn't feel like having a conversation with his diary. he wanted to have a conversation with jonghyun. the jonghyun in his head, who just listened and didn't say anything back. the jonghyun who didn't have a chance to break his heart.

so minki started writing, "dear jonghyun," and as soon as the pen touched the paper, minki felt he couldn't stop writing.

"i don't know how to tell you this, but i can't stop looking at you, for your beauty is ethereal. i'm afraid i've become enamored of your eyes, as well as the way you smile whenever we see one another. when i look at you, my heart speeds up and i have to look away quickly or else i fear i'll give myself up. perhaps you feel the same way, but i shall never know. love is cruel to me, jonghyun, do you know how i feel? you put me through so much pain. all i want is to be the person you long to see, the person you hold at night. alas, this is something i will never achieve. i see that you're on a level completely elevated from my own, you couldn't possibly feel love for someone as pathetic and hopeless as myself. why are you putting me through this, my love? do you enjoy watching me suffer? ah, i've gone on for far too long, i'm starting to get myself worked up. many apologies.
devotedly yours, minki."

as minki put the pen down, he felt tears welling in his eyes. he inhaled sharply and slammed the diary shut, discarding onto the floor carelessly as to get it away from him quickly. minki hated that diary. he hated how it made him feel. he hated how it convinced him he was brave enough to tell jonghyun his feelings.

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a/n; oh boy!! i usually don't fanfics online so this is stressful ;-;