He was never brave. Apparently he is, up til now. Whenever he happens to encounter her circle of friends bickering in front of him and there goes the girl, he’d unconsciously tilt down his head. One of his friends would nudge him on one side, giving him that smug look which he knew all too well what the guy means by that. He would tell the other to quick shut it off, and continue to stare at her back from afar – the only feature of her he manages to pay long attention to.

                It rained hard when he once saw her down the bus halt, busy rummaging through her bag. She was looking for something, he figured that quick. And by the look on her face, he can clearly tell whatever the thing she’s looking for was not there. He was standing across the street of where her figure was at. Beside holding the umbrella stick, he was doing nothing other than staring.  He stares, long enough. Good for him the latter never noticed. A bus stopped by the halt she was under, and when it got out of his view, she’s also gone. So that is the bus that carries her home,  he’d say that to himself, somehow feeling proud after knowing another thing about her.  — well, except for a name and the class she went to, yes. Oh, and her locker also, and the middle school she used to go to. Yes, it was the same with the one he used to attend. And they’re friends back then, a good one. The two used to be in the same club which people lack interest to join so all the members knew each other well. And he had even walked her home once, leaving good impression on both sides. They shared the same class at the first grade but when it’s their sophomore year, she moved out.

                The only thing he has been wanting to say was a hi. Ever since they entered highschool, he never had some casual greetings with her. Not a hi, not even some “We went to the same jhs on the first year, didn’t we?”

                When he first saw her on the first day of highschool, he recognized her right away. Well, he could’ve approached her but with the group of friends she was currently with, of course it’ll be better to back out to prevent any murmurs. He was only that some kind of a guy friend of her, or at least that’s what he assumed himself.

 

                Days go by, everytime she meets his view, she’s  always with her group. And the long distant stare and the resistant of wanting to approach her soon become habits. His friends would eventually catch him staring at that one specific girl and so they’d ask, but he shrugs it off and that doesn’t make him less obvious. Well for boys, they love to be on each other’s nerves, so they’d a lot. And that’s how the tease would go, day by day. He’d do his best to conceal the shouts and nonstop giving them deathly glare, whatever, it seems like his circle of friends are the one fussy about this matter. The other group of girls seem to not be the tiniest bit aware. And he’s cautious of this, so his expression changes within days — from attempting to chop everyone’s head off to merely shhh-ing everyone without any power nor attempt to shut it.

“Well who gives a damn–” He opened up when his friends asked.

“YOU used to, jerkass.” A friend named Taeyong blurted out, swording a finger to his side, while being busy candy-twisting with his tongue. Earning the guy’s cold-as-ever look, a friend flicked his head.

“–that girl wouldn’t even notice.” That was his final words. The stiff on the edge of his tone and the hopeless look on his face make his friends pity him enough. Despite how much they wanted to throw a fist so he would be woke and man up and stop being the little coward he always is, his friends know truly that this man is the most kitty-like when it comes to hitting on any females, very unlikely of the boys in common. They knew what he’s like inside and out, so they couldn’t really get into his boots.

 

                It’s just another fleeting days with school and what-not, he’s still cowardly as ever, and the girl would still not look to his way. He didn’t let that get into his mind – well, he does mind whenever he sees her but she still wouldn’t look at him. But he tried his best to swallow them all up and does his best to act. Act. The best way to prevent more people to meddle in. The best way to prevent more questions coming in, or informations, or anything which are mostly regarding of the things about her he wanted to hear the least. All emotions kept hidden behind this act, he loves pretending that everything’s going his way.

                He was looking down to his pair of converse and letting his mind flooded with wanders until a faint laugh be heard into his ears – he wasn’t very conscious. One call. Two call. Three call, followed with a shake to his left shoulder.

“Hey,”

That was when he realizes that was him being called. And where was the voice coming from again?

He looked to his right side, and to his left – who is this again?

It took him long enough to come to his senses when another greetings followed.

“Hello?”

A hand waves right to his face, thank God he blinked.

He looked at the only presence that was under the same bus halt as him. The presence continues their sentence after seeing the confused look he put on.

“That guy across keeps on waving to your side but you weren’t looking, I guess he’s addressing to you?”

That forces him to look across and meet eyes with someone – which turns to be his earlier friend of the group, Taeyong.

The guy seems to be so much in joy finally meeting eyes with the person he has been trying so long to get attention from, while Jaehyun has his fingers crossed hoping that his friend wouldn’t look that ecstatic.

He mouthed a “what?” which he guessed can be understood clearly enough for the guy across.

Taeyong keeps showing gestures of a reversed ‘L’  letter, in which he has no idea what it is about. The guys keeps jumping up and down and he finally caught the thing his friend has been mouthing about for so long.

“Look to...” he squints his eyes for a better view.

“..your side?”

The guy across nods enthusiastically before he did.

“Holy mot—“

He shuts his mout h as soon as he realizes what he was about to blurt out.

This isn’t happening.  No. NO. Or is it?

Questions keep bombarding his mind — he can’t think right.

What exactly was happening right before all these?

He was at the bus halt waiting for the bus he aimed for to come. Before the road came clear and was occupied with silence, that was when his mind began to wander. He was aware of someone waiting along with him. Until that person called out for him, and he wondered why the person seems to be so familiar– shoot she is staring.

“Sor- oh no- I didn’t mean-“ wait, did I just stutter?

“No, no, it’s alright,” she’s with her hands up in a defending way, cute.

“and anyways, are there even anything to be sorry for?”

Her eyes, disappearing when she smiles is another thing to be added into the list of why he should endure living, and the fact that he is witnessing it with his own two eyes right now – he is thanking the Neptunes.

“..and plus, why are you stuttering?”

—bingo. Exactly what I was thinking.

“Um well- okay t-thank  you?” he had a hand at the back of his neck, trying to look casual as ever. God please let me live don’t let her hear the sound of my rapid beating heart.

“-why was I...I don’t also know,” he grins. Did I just make a complete fool of myself? Do I look stupid? Can my words be heard clearly enough for her? Or am I looking like a freak? God please take me right from here to heaven, I am ready to die.

“Alright, sorry for making you confused then.”

Will we ever stop apologizing to each other? For real though..

“Well, I wasn’t-“

The bus honk and it came into their way. The bus seemed way too familiar, before he can process thinking, the presence beside him was already about to get on. He gulped down, silently watching as she hops onto the bus before she stopped midway at the door, turning around.

“Sorry for before! I’m off first, bye!” she said while waving cutely as ever as he thought.

That was brief, but enough to be thankful of. He tried not to smile to himself so he wouldn’t look that much of a crazy guy in love but failed. He watches as the bus gets out of his view, and soon the previous guy is seen. Still in his previous state, jumping up and down while waving. Jaehyun watches as Taeyong comes across the street to the one he’s standing at. Taeyong slaps his shoulder when he’s finally after him. This guy is panting and heavily catching his breath when all he did was coming from street to street, freaky sh*t.

“So, how was it?” Taeyong speaks up.

“What was what? Talk once you’ve finished catching your breath you freak-”

“Oh c’mon, you’ve got something to owe me okay? Just 5 bucks and a drink it is cause I’m nice.” the guy winked.

At the reminder of the previous events, he unconsciously looks down.

“We didn’t even talk muc-“

“But it’s still something for you to celebrate! Okay, stop looking down cause first, I am in front of you not in the bottom of you! And second, where else could you find this rare occasion? You shouldn’t feel gloomy even for a bit!” Taeyong lands his bro fist on the latter’s shoulder.

“..and third!” Jaehyun finally looks up. “..Now that I think about it, there’s no really the third.”

That earns him a light slap on his stomach. “Ouch. Don’t ever do that again to the lunch in my belly!” he pouts.

“Get what you deserve.”

Taeyong blew a raspberry, “So when is the time for you guys to meet again?”

“Leave me alone already would you..”

“I won’t before you tell me.”

“Tell you what? I’m done since like ages ago.” He rolled his eyes.

“C’mon-“

“Do you expect me to say that there’ll be no other time?”

Their conversations died down. Taeyong was caught off guard at how he responded so hopelessly before he decided to speak some more,

“No. Nevermind. I’m sure there will be. On or off my watch, I’m 100% positive!!!”

 

          He can hear a sound calling his name from a distance. A long one that if someone misheard they would think of it as a rhythmic. He finally had a better view of the person who was calling, and it was the same guy that got on his nerves last time.

“What do you want?”

“Yes, good afternoon to you too my dearest friend!”

“Seriously, just tell me what it is about–”

“Well...does it always have to be something if I am after you? What now? Can’t a women-free friend like me approach the friend he thinks he deserves because that friend has ditched him for a girl?” he puts on his fake shocked face, and Jaehyun has never been that ready to fight a soul.

“Stop before I kick your asses far away it flew to the outer space.”

“Yes please I’d like to see how galaxy really looks like”

“You better– “

“But look first who’s coming our way”

 

She,

Her,

And herself.

 

No, that makes one individual as her it is. “Shoot–“

As fast as the light travels, he dragged his friend to the nearest exit gate before he could even spare a word.

 

“Shut up. It’s better we’re off this way” when asked why.

“But- no. I never understood. About how that brain of yours works. About the concept of how you pursue love. Never, clearly, understood. What was the point of loving if you’d just give up before it has even started?”

“I’m not giving up. I’m just not used to the word. The thought of love, if that’s how you put it. It makes me feel nauseous. All I did was nothing than doing everything from the distance. I just think I haven’t gotten into that phase yet, and I’m not ready to.”

“But you’re letting yourself to grow fond of her, how do you do about that? Or how much do you think you would stop before it reaches the limit?”

“I am..not too sure about that. I haven’t given a thought about it to that far. Trust me, it takes normally 9 months to break a habit, so once you’re done, then it’s done.”

—Though he wasn’t really sure deep down.  If someday the feelings are consuming him in fully, or maybe taking over his being. He would have no idea. He is not prepared for a heartbreak. He despises unrequited things. He is positive that this one is just going to be like the rest that fades, so he’s counting the time. Frequent questions that he asked to himself, the questions he can’t find the answers to, he’s had enough of those. When will he stop being a coward, when will it stop to ache whenever he sees her and the thoughts of not being able to be the first to greet her flashing into his mind, when will he get that courage everyone seems to be buying it, when will he finally be at peace without all these thoughts, and to finally flee himself from this misery?

 

                It was fall, on one of those regular days to live on. Down the same bus halt he used to be with...that girl. He spotted her right among her group of friends within seconds. Well, how can’t he– he has been paying attention to the same girl for the past—I lost count—an eternal,  God knows how many long. Although this time, it’s a bit different. A lot different. Much different. It turns his world upside down.

 

She looks his way,

They met eyes.

 

The group of girls said bye to each other and left one by one, before the girl approaches the halt he was currently at.

“Hey! You seem familiar-“

A voice speaks and it was the girl’s, which he can’t believe he got to hear personally for the second time. He forces himself to lock eyes with her, feeling somehow in between reluctant and relieved.

She snaps her fingers, he notices her act of recognizing.

“The stuttering guy!”

“Your jhs friend.”

 

“wait, what?”

 

They shouted at the same time, but the girl has heard it clearly. And the boy seemed to have blamed himself from not being able to keep that fact to himself for a while longer.

“I uh- we-“

“Oh my god you’re that Jaehyun?”

His expression changes at how surprised she looked with that big gape that makes her jaw seem to drop anytime. His heart blooms, but didn’t I mention something about the fall season?

“Yoonoh!?” He nods.

“and your surname is..WAIT let me finish,” she’s all defensive when he’s about to spoil.

“is it Park or Jung or...Jung Yoonoh?!” he once again nods, satisfied.

He smiles, “Took you long enough.”

“I knew there’s something about you I skipped on! But I didn’t expect this! I mean, how do I forget? I mean, you were so nice and we were in the same school club for a year, that’s like the total span of me going to that school! We were even classmates I should’ve straightaway noticed when your friends were calling out for you as Jaehy-“

“Whoa, whoa,” he can’t help but chuckle, “easy there.”

“I know, right? How can you be so quiet all this time after recognizing me? If only you’ve approached me sooner...now I feel strangely guilty”

“That’s a...guy matter you don’t have to know,” she playfully bumps a fist lightly to his left side,

“But you’re making me feel bad okay”

The girl was looking down to her feet and either does he, they were silent and neither of the two decided to break it off.

“How have you been?” the girl finally spoke.

“Just it is,” he was silent before he continues, “so-so”. “How about you?” exactly the thing I’ve always wanted to ask.

“Same, I had been better.”

He tilts his head to her side at the response, “What is it?”

“It’s just..” She paused, playing with her fingers as he noticed.

“..I had this feeling that things are going to be better once I moved out, alright? New school and environment, new start...but once I’ve really gone through all that, I’ve never really craved for the past more.”

The changing tone in her voice makes her sound fragile, oh how much he wished that he could really spread out his arms and hold her right away.

“I’m sorry..” was the most right thing he thought to utter. He does feel sorry.

She laughs it off, although a bit bitterly. “I should be the one apologetic, changing the atmosphere into a sorrowful one. I sounded pathetic, look it’s even starting to rain.”

He looks out, deceived. “You got to be kidding me-“

“Yes, yes, I know.” “I thought no one falls for that joke again these days”

“I’m an exception then.”

“Okay, good way to put how foolish you are into another way.”

And that afternoon went by with the conversations that are made of heartily laughs and talk of nonsenses, creating the world of those two, the clock be damned.

 

“I barely notice that the skies have orange-ish streaks especially at noon, but now I do.” She speaks as they look up the skies.

A bus honk in front of the two, followed with a yell from the driver.

“Does neither of you plan to get on? The school gate has even already closed what the heck are you waiting for so long?”

“But it’s only—“

“5.19 p.m. Now get on unless waiting for another cue was the plan.”

“—what it’s almost five thirty??” she checks on the clock, overwhelmed.

“Jae!! or Yoon or what should I call you?!”

He laughs, “As comfortable as you wish.”

“Okay Jae, look, I’m sorry but I have promised my mom to run some errands on the way home. I’m so going to be scolded but I had fun, thanks to you!”

She hurriedly gets to the door as it waits for only her,

“Get home safely! Sorry I had to go first, but I’m expecting for our next conversations to be less of us apologizing to each other but if it weren’t going to be like that, it’s okay!”

The door closed and she rushed to the back passenger window.

“Thank you for the company! Next time we happen to pass by, let’s call each other’s names, alright?” She waves goodbye as she hopes for his reply before the bus gets anywhere far, and a shy, hesitant nod he gave as a response enough caused both the corner of her lips to tug upwards.

 

author's note:

crappy enough for a first, right? i knew it. and to the person i directly dedicate this to, just so you know that this consists of 3220 words, i love you enough. happy belated birthday, i aim to put cute emojis here but dk how that thing works. and to everyone, have a good day!