“Doesn't it remind you of that famous Japanese myth? Or was it a Chinese myth? I think it originated in China. Anyway, the red string of fate; an invisible thread that connects you with someone. Don't you think it fits?”

You turned your glass of peach iced tea in a circle. The tiny squares of ice clinked against the glass just like the thoughts that had been bouncing in your mind for months—no—a year now. “Like soulmates? A connection? Come on. We haven't had any contact for…6 years,” you said, folding your fingers as you counted. 

Your friend Seungkwan who sat across you shrugged and continued sipping his iced americano. 

“We haven't seen each other since your 18th birthday which was years ago, mind you,” you continued, “and we haven't spoken to each other after that. Sure, I greeted him a Merry Christmas two years ago on messenger and he replied back but other than that: nothing.”

Seungkwan smiled wryly. “Well, you don't have to be constantly talking much less seeing each other for you two to be connected. Besides, you just said you've been having dreams.”

Dreams, you repeated in your mind. Don’t dreams usually leave off a nice feeling? The dreams you’ve been having, however, left you with something else. You couldn't remember when it started. You didn't even notice at first how frequent they were getting and how they all seemed to paint one message.

One dream had him approaching you at the steps and sitting beside you. He took your hand and looked at you, his eyes searching yours, asking no one in particular what went wrong. Another is with you hugging each other as if you would never have the chance to do so again, wishing for something to happen...or was it not to happen? The latest one was him approaching you and taking your hand. Again, not a word, but just sadness in his eyes.

Every single one of them left you with a feeling of longing, of unfinished business. “What went wrong?” you would ask in the dream. “Can't we do something?” he would ask in another.

“Still,” you said, pulling yourself from a universe of hazy memories, “isn't that exclusive for romantic connections? Kwannie, there was nothing between us.”

“You both said that in high school too yet you two acted like a couple. You can’t say that was nothing, y/n. You can’t say that to him too so stop saying it to yourself.”

“We were never together…” you said in a small voice. “Not officially,” you added after realizing how stupid it sounded.

“And you didn't break up either. Not officially,” he retorts. “Clearly, there's something left for you and Mr. Kim Mingyu to do. Whatever it might be.” Seungkwan went back to his drink and his phone, an unclear sign of whether he's done with the whole romance talk or if he's done with you and your ever-present excuses.

“But—”

“How about that other dream you had?” he continued. “The one where you met up to talk before going separate ways. What do you plan to do about that?”

What do you plan to do, you asked yourself, looking away from Seungkwan's accusing gaze. It's not like you can just send Mingyu a message and say, 'Hey! I've been having dreams about you for years now. I know I hurt you but can we meet up?’

You shooed the thoughts away. Besides, that wasn’t all that happened in the dream. In the dream…

“Why did you guys ‘break up’ anyway?”

Why. 

The word echoed in your mind throughout the rest of the day.

Why.

You smiled sadly before leaning at the window where you were seated at the end of the bus. 

The bus minded its own business, making its way around the busy streets. It stopped at a nearby park, taking in and dropping off commuters. One more stop until the bus completes its round-trip, forcing you to either pay for another round trip or go somewhere else.

Why?

Curious how a single, common word would have such an impact. 

“Why?” His voice came trembling.

Your hand gripped the phone. You can already see his tall figure folding smaller and smaller. He did that unconsciously whenever he felt giddy or embarrassed, usually hiding behind you or burying his face in the crook of your neck. It used to melt your heart into bliss or in secondhand embarrassment but imagining it now, your heart wasn’t melting at all. 

You tried not to gasp for air, willing yourself to contain everything inside, as if being underwater not able to come up and trying not to drown.

“You gave me a letter but I—I don’t understand.”

You bit your lower lip, commanding yourself not to cry. ‘I have no right,’ you told yourself. ‘Not when I’m the one causing him pain.’

“I need to see you,” he continued, trying not to choke in his tears. “Let’s talk about this. In-person. Please,” he paused to catch his breath. “Please.” 

“There’s nothing else to say, Mingyu. I’m sorry.”

The view outside the window slowed to a stop. Doors opened. Commuters started getting off one by one.

“Please be mindful of your belongings,” the conductor shouted as he cleared the area, asking the remaining people by row. At last, he stopped in front of you. “Have you got a ticket for the next trip?”

You met the man’s eyes and smiled, shaking your head. You gathered your things. “No, thank you. I’ll be getting off.”

Just then, the phone in your hand vibrated, a single notification showing itself on the screen:

You held your phone tight and took a deep breath. In two days, you thought. In two days.

—

“You were the one who invited him. Don’t you dare bail,” Seungkwan reminded you when he called. “Just say what you need to and get over with it. If he accepts it, good. If he doesn’t, well, he has the right to do so. The important thing is you’re finally doing what you should’ve done from the start. Now stop having jelly legs and go!”

Easy for him to say, you frowned. How were you supposed to just get over with it when that person is already inside and looking like he didn’t want to be there?  

Mingyu sat at a left side table near the glass walls, his chair facing the shop’s entrance. He wore a black cap and a black wool jacket. His favorites, you thought.

You glanced at your watch. 6:45 PM. 15 minutes early.

“Excuse me,” a seemingly annoyed voice came from behind.

You looked back to see a student in uniform on their way inside if only you weren’t blocking the way. You muttered an apology and quickly stepped aside, allowing them to finally go in. And with a final deep breath, you pushed through the door and went inside.

You did your best pushing away the thoughts of turning back with the help of Seungkwan’s voice in your head until you got to the table where he was seated. There were already two glasses of water on the table.

Placing your bag down carefully, you smiled at him. Or at least tried. “You're early.”

He looked up at you for a brief moment then shrugged with a slight smile. “I got off work early.”

You nodded, having nothing else to say.

Your eyes caught sight of the student outside the shop earlier. She walked to a table at the far end of the shop and sat down. 

A lamp shone above the wooden tablet. A group of students occupied the space with her, laptops and notebooks covering the surface. Just like how we were before, you thought. It was your table. It was where you two used to sit whenever you stopped by.

You looked back at him. “Must’ve been a surprise to hear from me. And with a message like that.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

“So...do you mind catching up with each other first or—”

Mingy sighed. “What is it that you want to say?”

Your eyes shot up and caught him looking.

If there was one thing that you never tired of in the past, it was looking at Mingyu’s eyes. Your friends and teachers always joked about how bad of a liar he would have been; his eyes always reflected what he truly felt. And that is exactly why you couldn’t hold his gaze any longer. It was all there: the confusion, the hurt, and maybe even anger.

Having him speak to you without words was enough to clear everything that you practiced to say. None of it mattered. Yet there he was, urging you to answer his only question: why?

 “Mingyu,” you started, cursing your voice that was already faltering. Your heart pounded against your chest. “I know. I know it’s long overdue but I wanted to say it at least. Mingyu, I want to say…”

Mingyu sighed, knowing what you were about to say but his eyebrow arched when he heard your next words.

“…thank you.”

Mingyu tried not to ask you to repeat what you just said. Did he hear you correctly?

“I wanted to say thank you for everything during our times in high school and even now, especially since I didn’t know if you would reply to my out of the blue message, much less agree to meet me,” you say with a wry smile.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m you were the first out of family and friends to make me feel like I was someone important, to make me feel loved the way you made me feel. Thank you for being good to me. Thank you for the efforts you made to let me know how you felt about me. I honestly felt like I was the only one receiving from you…”

“Was that your reason?”

“One of them,” you confirmed, your eyes not capable of looking at him. “Truth is, I got scared. I got scared that things were moving too fast. I got scared that it was only a high school thing, that I didn’t felt as strongly as you did and it was all teenage stuff. I got scared that I was only leading you on. I couldn’t tell you that because I know…I know that you will do your best to assure me and make things work and…” you bit your lip before taking a breath, “I didn’t deserve you,” you said, managing to look at him briefly before looking away again. “I don’t deserve you.”

“I was so scared of hurting you but I did anyway. I was a coward. I didn’t think you’d understand so I gave you roundabout excuses. I gave you that letter after graduation in hopes of making you understand what I wanted to happen without giving an actual explanation. When you called, I told myself that that would be the last, that I wouldn’t hurt you with the truth. But I realized that my logic didn’t matter. I still hurt you.”

A few tables away, a group of friends started laughing loud and you were thankful that it wasn’t dead quiet. Talking about such serious things would’ve been a free drama for all to hear or watch.

“But even then, I’m thankful to you. I had no idea how to act around you whenever we had the chance to meet because of our friends. I’m thankful especially during Seungkwan’s birthday. I thought that I had no right to act friendly or act like nothing happened even though you were acting quite normally towards me.”

You smiled a little and shook your head at a memory. “Jeonghan’s an for asking you to walk me to the bus stop when I asked him. But you still did. Even though you said nothing…even though I said nothing, I was thankful.”

“My words can’t change what happened but I hope it can change a little bit of today. I know Seungkwan told you about this too,” you scoffed, remembering how Seungkwan got so impatient with you that he almost invited Mingyu himself to meet you, “but I’ve had a year’s worth of dreams to help me finally do this. I always thought that you didn’t care anymore. But I realized that doing this is still important.”

And with a final deep breath, “I’m sorry for hurting you, Mingyu.”

You your lips. Mingyu’s been silent the whole time except for his only question earlier. What now? 

A thought crossed your mind but you waved it away.

“You hugged before leaving?” Seungkwan asked in disbelief. 

“It was a dream!” you countered, not able to imagine it happening in real life.

You took a peek at the guy across you and waved the thought away completely. 

What do I do now? you cried internally. Do I just thank him and leave? Do I wait for him to leave? I didn’t think I’ll get this far! 

Mingyu shifted on his seat. “Is that it?”

You hesitated then nodded. “Sorry for making you meet me. I’m sure you’re busy but I also thought that I should at least tell you all this in person.”

Your heart was still pounding against your chest. It was getting difficult to breathe. You considered finally drinking the glass of water set in front of you when Mingyu started to stand up.

“I need to go somewhere,” he said, placing his hands inside his pockets.

“Right,” you said following him stand. “Sorry for keeping you.”

“Accompany me, will you?”

Your eyes darted towards him and you must’ve been making a weird face cause then he chuckled.

“You did make me meet you out here,” he added before starting to walk out.

You stood there frozen, your feet glued on the ground. “What the hell?”

—

You trudged right behind him in silence not knowing where he was going. He didn’t speak a word nor did he turn to see if you were there, not once. Yet even with a heavy heart and atmosphere, following after him seemed…right.

Or is it? you asked yourself, gripping the strap of your bag tight. Maybe, it’s just me—

“Wait!” A hand reached for your arm and pulled you back while an angry horn with glaring lights from a passing car filled your ears. And yet it became muffled, unreal almost.

Your eyes traveled to the one who pulled you who was now wearing a frown.

“Careful.”

“Yeah. Sorry,” you nodded.

Hearing him sigh, it was as if your brain was telling you to turn around and go home. Besides, it was starting to get late and you already accomplished your purpose. Not the ending you hoped for but it wasn’t the worst that you imagined. You were ready to tell him when you felt his hand slide down to yours.

“…do you dislike it?”

You looked up to him right when he turned to look at you and met your eyes. He wasn’t smiling. But he wasn’t frowning like he was earlier, too.

“Should I let go?”

You cleared your throat. Before you know it, you were shaking your head and holding his hand back. “It’s fine.”

But it wasn’t. You weren’t. Inside, your mind was screaming, your breath was turning ragged. Yet when you look at him, he was calm, composed, as if nothing’s wrong about this whole picture; your hand safely locked with his, as if it was just like those days in the past, those days that you thought you can only go back to in your memories.

“Hey,” you started. “My hands are starting to sweat…”

He smiled a little. “I know. You used to say that a lot, too.”

“…I did.”

Mingyu nodded as if remembering the past with you. “But I didn't mind.” He held your hand tighter. “I don’t mind.”

Weaving through the sea of people that came from all directions, Mingyu lead you towards the open park a few blocks from the shop you met in earlier. It was all so familiar that you can’t help but feel lost.

You looked down to see your hands entwined. It was just like how it was in the past, picture-perfect and making sense. But why did he want to meet at that coffee shop? Why did he decide to go here now? The questions burned inside you but you held your mouth shut. It would be as if this dream, as real as it could be, would all collapse with the answers and you’ll be pulled back to what is.

You looked back up to him. Maybe for the last time, just this once, you can pretend.

You neared the end of the park where the big fountain was located. The amphitheater-like seats were littered with people either in groups or alone. Good thing there were vacant benches all around. And Mingyu probably thought the same. The moment he saw a vacant bench, he let go of your hand and walked fast towards it, leaving you behind.

You looked at your hand now empty but shook the thought away as quickly as it came. You looked back at him who was now seated contently, waiting for you and even patting the space next to him for you to sit on.

As it has been for the whole day, silence passed for a while. Or was it more than a while? Sitting there and watching people go on with their lives, you can’t help but think how familiar everything was. Only this time, the laughter, the stories that you would come up with as people walk by, the comfortable silence—it was all gone.

“So....did you take up aeronautics like you planned?” you asked, putting the silence to an end.

“You remember?”

“One of the things I’m convinced I remember correctly,” you nodded.

“And you did. Is this the catching up part?” he teases. “Well, I took two semesters but the schedule was killing me and frankly, I was just stressed out. A healthy dose of stress is, of course, healthy. But mine wasn’t. So, I decided to give my hobby a chance. I shifted to film. I wasn’t sure at first. My parent’s too. But I found solace in it. I’m freelancing now. Guess, that part worked out fine,” he shrugs. “How about you? Found your dream yet?"

You looked down on your shoes, trying to hide your expression. "Whenever I’d find a potential dream and start working hard for it, it just...vanishes,” you say. “The high dies down and eventually, I’m left feeling unaccomplished. Bored. Like I’m finally realizing that I’m not actually in the right place. I’ve got this job now though and I’m thankful for it but…I don’t know. I wish I could be like you are now. You look pretty content to me.”

Mingyu nodded, agreeing somehow. “But it’s not like everything goes according to plan.”

You looked at him and saw how his lips were curved into a small smile but his eyes were hazy.

“Just like how it didn’t today.”

“What do you mean?”

“I came to see you today, angry, thinking what took you so long? I thought, why now of all times? Like you said, I also thought that I didn’t care anymore. I was prepared to meet you and leave as if nothing happened, pretend that nothing ever happened.”

The seconds of silence that followed made you hold your breath as if breathing would chase away the honesty that was coming out from him now. Keeping quiet about it and processing things on his own, he’d go with the flow and not let anyone know how he truly felt. That was his nature and you liked that about him. But sometimes, you can’t help but think that he’s too kind, too considerate.

Mingyu sighed. “Listening to what you said, your explanation of what happened, how you felt, how you thought, I honestly didn’t care anymore that things ended as it did. The anger just slipped away. I…listening to you, I realized that it wasn’t easy for you too. It wasn’t just me who had a hard time.”

Mingyu leaned on his knees and clasped his hands together. “I kept thinking: if only we talked about it properly… If only I didn’t grow impatient… If maybe we gave each other time… Listening to you earlier and talking to you now, I can’t help but think…”

Your heart started beating hard, your hands now gripping the strap of your bag.

“…maybe,” he said, turning to look at you in the eyes, “maybe we can do better now.”

“Mingyu…” You slowly stood up.

“Wait!”

One second, you thought of yourself being pushed back from the impact. Next thing you knew, you were enveloped in his arms, warm and safe, carefully enclosing your small figure close to him.

“Sorry,” he whispered, though something was off with his voice. “Sorry. Please, just this once…”

“Mingyu.” Your senses went past him and to the realization that you were in an open place. “Mingyu, we're in public.”

“Just pretend you’re comforting a friend,” he replied, still embracing you in his arms.

“Gyu…”

“Please.”

You turned trying to look at him but to no use. People passed by, couples mostly, either smiling or looking dumbfounded at the sight. You couldn’t blame the latter. You would’ve too. Slowly, you raised your hand and started to pat his back.

Just as he said, you thought. Comforting a friend.

“There, there,” you said softly but somehow still loud enough for the people passing by.

“We've grown a lot now. We know better,” Mingyu started again. But this time, his voice was shaky and his arms were starting to squeeze you closer. He was folding himself little again and memory stills from that day crossed your mind. “I didn’t think I’ll still feel the same way I did in the past but…I do.”

You heard him take a breath. A sniff. And once again, came his shaky voice. “Can't we go back?”

You closed your eyes and tried to ignore how he was now crying. You can’t. “We can’t.”

“Why? When you asked to meet up, a part of me was angry but more than that, I just really wanted to understand. And you made me understand. Y/n, we just need to communicate, right? We’ve grown a lot. I can see that. And yet we still can’t? Why?”

There it was again, that cursed word. Why?

“Gyu,” you started, your hands going back to your side.

It took a few seconds before Mingyu loosened his embrace albeit reluctantly. Letting go, he stood back with his head down, his hand busy wiping off his tears.

That struck your heart. Your hand wanted to move, to wipe his tears off, to hold his face and to comfort him. Seeing him, this tall man who tries to be composed and chic and mysterious when he’s very chatty and bright in reality, this guy whom you’ve cared for so long…you wanted to care for him again but you kept your hands on your side.

“We can’t just go back like nothing happened, Gyu.” You racked your brain for words. It was all there inside but making him understand…

“It’s okay,” he said all of a sudden. “Take your time. I’ll…I’ll listen.”

A small smile formed on your lips. “Gyu, it might be just me thinking this but we need to take things…slow.”

“Okay.”

“Wait,” you laughed a little, surprised at how fast he agreed. “What I mean is we just settled things today and so many years passed already.” You took another deep breath. “I care for you. I always did. I still do. But right now, a lot has changed in me and I’m sure it’s the same for you. Responsibilities came. My priorities changed. I’m neck-deep in my work and so are you. I’m not sure we can just start again like 6 years never happened.”

Mingyu’s tears were still there but you can see how hard he was trying. Before you knew it, your hand was caressing his cheek, lifting his face a little to meet his eyes.

“Hey,” you called out softly. “You know what I’m saying, right?”

Mingyu nodded and started wiping off his tears again, sniffing, and letting out a little laugh as if only realizing how messy he must look. At last, he blinked a few times to get the remaining tears away. “I guess I just really missed you,” he says. “We’ve been through a good amount of time in high school even before...us.”

You smiled at the word. “I missed you too. But let’s not force things again…can’t we be friends first?” you asked. “We did start as friends, didn’t we? Then…then we’ll see what happens. Hey,” you called out softly again, making Mingyu finally look at you in the eyes.

Red and fresh with tears, his eyes that never failed to express his true feelings were now sparkling beautifully. It was not easy to hold back a smile.

“Are you thinking how beautiful my eyes are again?” he asks, a smile forming, mirroring that of yours.

You nodded. Your eyes started to water that the light sting caught you off guard like the familiarity of it all did. “I hate that you know,” you said with a small laugh, blinking the tears away. “You’ll brag about it until death, wouldn’t you?”

All he did was laugh in response and your heart leapt at his big smile. After what happened all day, the days you spent thinking, worrying about the whole outcome, your heart swelled with relief that things are finally turning in a good direction.

“Man. I’m so glad I have nothing else scheduled for today. Today’s been trying,” he says with a smile. “Ready to head home?” Mingyu sniffed and placed his hands in his pockets.

You smiled, the warmth of his hands back in your mind. Maybe, you’ll be holding his hands again in the future. Maybe not. But what’s most important was how you both were smiling now, walking towards a better future than what the past gave you.

Placing your hands in your coat pocket, you nodded. “Thanks for today, Gyu.”

Mingyu looked at you and smiled. “Thank you too.”