“I had just witnessed the most life-changing event in my entire life!” Karina enthusiastically says as soon as she’s in the comfort of my car. 

Our friend Heejin just got proposed to and it was very obvious that everyone was moved by what happened. Si Karina sobrang tuwa. Understandably so dahil kaibigan niya mula pa high school sina Heejin and Hyunjin. Parang mapupunit mukha niya sa lawak ng ngiti niya.

Simpleng dinner lang naman ‘yun. Hyunjin got the bright idea to propose then and there. Walang warning, walang signs. Lumuhod lang siya! Yung salted egg prawns hindi ko nalunok! 

We were on our way home, enveloped in silence, when Karina broke it. “Babe, ikaw ba? Would you want to get married?”

Hindi naman ako girlfriend. I’ve known about Karina’s desire to get married. It’s one of her greatest dreams—to get married to the person she loves. Lately, she’s been engrossing herself in wedding concepts and such. And to say that I didn’t expect this question from her is terrible of me. But I will be honest, it did surprise me.

Of course, I know to be honest. Marriage is a different level of commitment. I don’t believe I’m ready for that yet. 

“There’s work pa eh. That’s my focus right now.” 

I say that with sensitivity of course. Hindi naman porket hindi kami same ng priorities right now ay ididismiss ko na nararamdaman ng girlfriend ko. 

“But in the future, say three or four years from now? Or five, would you want to get married?” Her voice is inquisitive and nervous. Like she’s tiptoeing on the topic.

I paused. Sakto pa nga na inabutan kami ng red light. I scratched the back of my ear, a habit I do when I feel like I’m getting cornered. Hindi ko alam kung magugustuhan ba ni Karina ang sagot na meron ako right now, but I owe it to her to be honest.

“Sorry, babe. Hindi ko pa nakikita sarili ko na ikakasal that soon.” Walang halong biro, kinakabahan ako sa pwedeng sabihin ni Karina.

“What if I want to get married to you?” 

I in a breath. Ito na nga ba. 

The light turns green and I step on the pedal. Wala akong nasagot. 

Wala akong sagot.

“Winter”

I snap out of my trance, looking at the direction of the voice who called me. It was Ning, walking towards me from across our hotel room.

“Okay ka lang?”

I give her a smile, “oo naman. Bakit?” 

“Sure? Hindi ka iiyak?” At her question, napatawa ang mga kasama namin sa room. Pati na rin ako hindi napigilan mapatawa. 

“Hindi mo pipigilan ang kasal?” Pahabol ni Ryujin galing sa restroom. 

Parang timang talaga ang mga kaibigan ko kahit kailan. Hindi na nagbago. Kasal kasi ng ex ko na si Karina kaya ang lakas lang mang-asar. Alam kong they don’t mean ill by their jokes. Actually, I just find this all a little bit crazy. 

It’s been three years since my break up with the bride and since hindi naman ako nag-attempt mag-reach out, I never expected to be invited, much less attend her wedding. But oh well, andito na ako.

“No, guys. I’m not that dramatic para pigilan ang kasal.” Sabi ko pa, “plus, shy type ako.” 

Napatawa ulit ang mga kasama ko sa room. Karina’s bridesmaids who are also my friends, mga make-up artists and hairstylists.

“Shy type daw,” gatong ni Heejin. “Pero kung tanungin mo si Karina para maging girlfriend mo, ang OA OA!” 

There is a certain fondness looking back at my memories with my ex. Sobrang elaborate nung proposal ko kay Karina when I asked her to be my girlfriend back in college. Natuto ako ng different kinds of lights to use, naging mapili sa balloons kahit lahat naman yun mawawalan ng hangin or puputok. 

But there is also a certain sharpness of pain that comes after it. Sobrang tagal na rin yun. Time passed by so quickly and effortlessly, parang ang hirap i-comprehend na sampung taon na yung nakalipas since that day. 

“Pero ito, aminin mo, did you ever see a lifetime na hindi ikaw papakasalan ni Karina?”

Ryujin’s question sends chills down my spine. Napatahimik din ang buong kwarto. They could either be waiting for my sincere response or because the question was very daring in a sense. Hindi ko in-expect na matatanong ako ng ganon by anyone, honestly.

It takes a while for me to come up with an answer and when I was about to, Yeji speaks. “Okay, hanggang dyan na lang muna.” 

Yeji walks to my spot in front of a full-body mirror. “Tama na ang showbiz, baka makalimutan natin kung nakaninong kasal tayo.”

I catch her gaze in the mirror and offer a grateful smile. Yeji is one of Karina’s greatest friends and knows what went down between me and my ex. But she’s also one of my good friends. Malakas ang instincts niya when to interfere in situations. 

I take one last look at myself in the mirror, pushing back the stray strand of hair that’s seemingly out of place in my face. 

“I am going to cheer her on.” Sabi ko na lang. That wasn’t meant as a response to Ryujin’s question earlier. That wasn’t meant for anyone. Ewan ko, nasabi ko lang. Hindi ko rin alam. I just know mabigat siyang sabihin, at hindi ko rin alam if it was genuine. 

On the drive to the wedding venue, paunti-unti ko nang nako-comprehend na makikita ko ulit si Karina. Sa kasal niya. All of a sudden, my hands are sweating. Palakas na rin nang palakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko as if it was in my ears. 

Prior to this day, inisip ko bakit ako nakatanggap ng invitation from Karina for her wedding. But most importantly, bakit naman ako pumunta? I received the invitation the same time everyone did. At first, I was dead set on not going. Kasi para saan pa diba? Why would I choose to watch my ex—the person I was in love with, and possibly still in love with—get married to somebody who isn’t me? Gets naman na may pagka-tanga ako, pero hindi naman yung by choice or on purpose. 

So I ignored the invitation