Word Count: 4695

Warning(s): 

Inspired by:

☆
 

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add,

but when there is nothing left to take away.”

☆

It's not enough. It's never enough. More, sharper, longer, softer, quicker. It's never good enough until you reach perfection.

People have described Kai in a number of ways. Stunning, precise, elegant, flawless.

But no one describes Jongin. Pained, blemished, broken, used goods. They only see what Jongin wants them to see. They think they know it all, but no one sees Jongin at 2 AM, repeating the same 3 steps for a continuous 100 times.

A rule that Jongin lives by is that to reach perfection, you must do it at least 10,000 times. If he had the time, Jongin knew that he would, indeed do every single move 10,000 times.

Everyone's a perfectionist, you see, Jongin always insisted when people - s - eyed him as they began to make their way home, leaving the dancer to practice in the fluorescent lights. He just doesn't know when perfection became an obsession.

☆

Kyungsoo has always watched Jongin from the sidelines, admiring the younger boy's ability to mold the sweet melodies that flow from his lips into a song composed of fluid movements and breathtaking emotion.

He proudly watches the way Jongin's eyes light up when he gets back the monthly evaluation and there's not a single reprimand written on the starched paper. But he's also seen way the younger's nails dug hard into his palms as a sort of self punishment when the dance instructor stops the music and scolds Jongin for being off center and throwing the entire formation off. The tan boy's lips tightened, his head ducked in shame, and his nails pressing into the corner of his nail. At first, he didn't know why Jongin pressed his fingers against his hands until the digits turned white until he noticed that the dancer had a habit of biting his nails, which exposed raw and tender skin.

Kyungsoo never said anything, but he silently observed the way the pain radiating from abused fingers soothed out the pained lines on Jongin's face. On the worst days, he'd slip his smaller hand into Jongin's hand to stop the taller boy from hurting himself and Kyungsoo would just return the startled look with a small smile. He always got the tiniest of smiles back and he could almost hear a grateful 'thank you' hang in the air.

☆

Kyungsoo first notices it with mirrors. Such thin layer of substrate covered by thick, transparent mirrors reflected reality that our minds take in and distort to our liking. Or for the few, their disliking.

Jongin glances at any reflective surface and nervously eases his hand onto his hair to smooth down the dyed strands that aren't even straying anywhere. At first, Kyungsoo thinks that it's just a nervous habit that the younger did before going on stage. But then he saw it when Jongin walked past reflective mirrors in the stores of Hongdae, their hoods pulled low over their faces. He sees it again when Jongin lingers in the morning, sometimes spacing out, staring at his reflection in the mirror of the bathroom before another member nudges into him and crowds him out of the bathroom. Kyungsoo feels a feeling of dread when he observes it over and over, the notings more frequent and soon, it's all he can see. It's how Jongin ticks now.

Everywhere they go, from the car, fans' sunglasses, the tan boy always gave his lips a tentative before flicking his gaze onto the boy that stares back at him with the same amount of trepidation. Kyungsoo knows that Jongin isn't doing it because he's vain because of the expression that crossed his face every time he gazed at his reflection wasn't proud, it was unsure and scared.

Kyungsoo almost asks Jongin why he did that so many times, but something in him told him to hold his tongue. It took him a long, long time before he realized that that something was dread. And Kyungsoo doesn't know why.

☆

When he starts paying attention, it seems like it's all that Kyungsoo is able to see now. A person driven by neatness and simplicity, Kyungsoo is driven mad when the younger refuses to throw away any of his junk. Old evaluations that are meaningless to a debuted idol, receipts crumpled with a disinterested hand, empty bottles of facial wash, pens that have long dried out of ink and are useless except to frustrate one when one picks up a pen to try to write, only to find out nothing follows the jagged line all clutter the younger's bedroom.

Kyungsoo leaps into the air the first time Jongin stormed into his shared room bellowing, “What are you doing!” He whirls around, his heart in his throat and he can feel his heartbeat beating strongly in his chest.

“What?” Kyungsoo croaks out, after his heart is no longer thundering in his ears. He stares stupidly at Jongin who rips into the black garbage bag that Kyungsoo had been lugging around and only pulls out his hands filled with small slips of paper with faded ink on it.

“Why are you throwing away all my receipts?” Jongin nearly screams at the smaller boy who just wrinkles his forehead in confusion.

“They're cluttering up the dorm and you don't even nee-” Kyungsoo is cut off abruptly by Jongin's frantic objection.

“Not need! Of course I need them! What if I wanted to file them away for a finance file for a day that we don't have any work! What if I wanted to return something that I bought!”

Kyungsoo stares at the boy who's sorting through the mess that he's pulled back out of the bag, ignoring the angered tick because all of his hard work was strewed across the bedroom floor. He can't quite name the unease that trickles under his bones and he shivers.

He tries with a calming tone, “Jongin. This is Korea. 3 quarters of the places you visit to eat or buy don't even give you a receipt.”

He only get a cutting look in return of his gentle statement. Kyungsoo grinds down his teeth and mutters out, “You're cleaning up this mess.”

Jongin only glances up long enough to answer, “Ok, hyung.” before resuming his previous actions.

Unease slips right into Kyungsoo's mind and makes itself at home, planting the seeds of doubt. Kyungsoo tries to kill it off with a quick brush, but its roots are in too deep now and it just nags away at the back of his mind.

☆

By the time he sees this, it no longer brings him the same confusion Jongin's earlier ticks had done so. Kyungsoo can only stare at the pile of lists in front of him. At least 4 calendars are piled pitifully on the tree remains and they're all marked with colorful pens of Exo's schedule. No one but the managers actually bother to know their schedules. They know of their schedules tomorrow every morning and it's not like they can remember the times and places of their numerous interviews, radio shows, and photoshoots. But the ink markings scratch down into all 4 calendars the time, location, and the larger calendars even hold notes.

He shuffles away the calendars with ice slipping down his spine and what he sees underneath the calendars make the ice freeze. He sees lists. Lists upon lists upon lists. They vary in importance. Some are really importance listings like how Jongin's dealing with his various emotions to little things that most don't even think about, like grocery lists.

Things click and suddenly all the times that Kyungsoo's noticed that Jongin's scribbling away on scraps of paper make sense. Seized with a sudden sense of fear, Kyungsoo flings both of his hands into the pile of paper and bring them up full of the rushed writing. As he scans across the lists, he feels himself getting more and more unsettled. Most, if not all of them, have at least one double.

Kyungsoo freezes as he comes across a list with the bold title of 'THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF'. He vaguely remembers that as trainees they had been forced to write a list like this after a particularly grueling lesson. He had thrown away the list long ago but as Kyungsoo's eyes stray further into the pile, he realizes that there are copies of the title at the top of the paper.

It's an alarming amount of fear that's shot into Kyungsoo's system, but he recognizes how Jongin's handwriting has gotten more precise from the time that he had met the younger until debut and Jongin's handwriting had decreased due to the speed of which they needed to write for fansigns.

Before long, Kyungsoo's got over 20 copies of the list and there's various amount of things that Jongin likes about himself on the sheets and he works to arrange them in chronological order. Within 3 minutes, he feels as if there's something breaking his heart. From the time that he had first written the list, the amount of things have decreased until the most recent one, from months ago, was blank besides the title.

The elder sits, staring at the list for a long time, his brain trying to come up with a reasonable explanation for the OCD and the clear breakdown of Jongin's self confidence. What absolutely breaks Kyungsoo's heart is how he can see hard eraser marks where the tan male had written something but erased it forcefully, as though afraid leaving it on the paper for too long would make it come true.

He hears the door to the dorm unlock and he scurries as though he's guilty and afraid of being caught doing something he's not supposed to be doing. Kyungsoo knows that if Jongin came in here and saw him with the papers, Kyungsoo could just claim that it was his turn to clean the dorm but a nagging feeling in him that spreads cold fingers is quick to remind him that Jongin would probably flip out if he saw his precious lists sprawled out in Kyungsoo's hands.

So he shoves the papers back into the deep drawer and closes the thing, shuddering as it slides out of sight. Just the very physical reminder of it unnerves Kyungsoo.

By now, worry is constant on his mind and he makes of note to google a few things on the internet, deciding that he can no longer ignore the problem. But Junmyeon calls for Kyungsoo and he is called off to help prepare dinner for a group full of hungry, growing boys, lists to be worried about another day and he forgets the incidence once more.

☆

Jongin shifts uneasily from one foot to another. “Um, I'd prefer if I not.”

Their dance instructor snaps his head up to stare at the young Korean and he narrows his eyes dangerously, “What do you mean you prefer not?”

Again, there's a nervous shift and his voice comes out smaller than the first time, “I'd prefer not to try improv.”

Kyungsoo cringes mentally as the instructor advances menacingly onto the nervous boy. Irritation flickers in the teacher's eyes as he snaps out, “Why not.”

This time Jongin just stares at the ground as he mumbles out, “It's not my field of expertise.”

There's an exasperated sigh as the adult does a quick step and snorts back to Jongin, “It's just this much. I'm only asking for maybe 30 seconds of the song for improv.”

He's silent this time as Kyungsoo and 4 other members of watch the exchange between the dance student and teacher. The silence only seems to further agitate the instructor and he just glances at the other members before sighing, “We'll get back to that later, Jongin. For now, just go with the routine and let's go from the top.”

Music remixed by SM's composers of old famous songs spill through the speakers and everyone moves to positions they've been working for days for Immortal Song. The incidence is moved to the back of everyone's mind as hours of dancing and singing dull minds and bring out tired eyes.

As everyone shuffles out of the practice room, finally dismissed by the instructor, Jongin's arm is caught by the teacher and no one but Kyungsoo sees that scarily familiar look of self hatred flash across his face before falling into a neutral look. The moment makes the elder freeze and he feels something precarious tip in him. For the briefest of moments, Kyungsoo runs through his options of saving Jongin from further self destruction or letting time run its course and it's not a difficult decision.

When the sound of footsteps fade, Jongin and their instructor are in a corner and Kyungsoo can hear a tone of agitation and irritation in the words that he tells to Jongin. Something roots his feet to the floor and the singer is unable to move, as he stares with wide eyes at the dancer who's nodding with an appropriate amount of shame, but there's something darker in Jongin's eyes that scare Kyungsoo.

It takes the bite of Jongin's nail into his fingertips that spurs Kyungsoo into motion. It's that familiar habit of imprinting half moon shapes into bleeding digits that makes him act as though he's just stuck his head back into the practice room and he calls out with a timid voice, "Teacher?"

The scolding taking place pauses and the look of concerned irritation slightly loosens and he answers to the wide eyed singer.

"Manager hyung told us that we have to be in the van to make it back to the dorm for dinner and sleeping. He says that we have an especially full schedule tomorrow," Kyungsoo invents on the spot, his eyes trained onto Jongin, who's dropped his gaze to the floor. The look he's sending the floor is most likely meant to be directed at himself and knowing that makes Kyungsoo want to cry out and take the pain away from the younger, crooning just how valuable Jongin really is.

Their instructor nods in understanding and turns back to Jongin for a quick, "Do you understand?" and it's a hard nod from the tired idol before the older dancer allows Kyungsoo to lead Jongin out of the room.

The taller just lets the shorter lead him, small hands clasped right around bitten fingers, and his eyes trained on the floor with a dazed, almost unconnected look. It takes Jongin a long time before he realizes that the elder is not leading him to front of the building where the vans are usually parked. It's a tired voice that leaves Jongin as he asks, "Hyung, where are we going?"

Kyungsoo spares him a quick glance before muttering, "Somewhere." Jongin just furrows his brow but doesn't say anything beyond that and let's the shorter lead him through the SM building.

The brow just digs in deeper when Kyungsoo pauses in front of an unmarked door. Kyungsoo shoots Jongin a half smile and pushes open the door.

Jongin blinks as November air rushes into the heated building and then Kyungsoo is tugging Jongin into the night air. The sweat that sticks to their skin cools at a freezing rate and Kyungsoo shivers.

The pair stops and Kyungsoo takes in a steadying breath before turning to face the sad eyes that he knows he'll see. But when the said eyes catch his own, the emotion that swims in Jongin's eyes just adds onto the younger's handsome features that leave Kyungsoo breathless. It's always been like that. If it wasn't Jongin's expressive eyes taking his breath away, it was the way they curved upwards to form small crescents that made Kyungsoo want to giggle along with him. But tonight, Jongin's face is lined with exhaustion, disappointment, and something like regret.

Quiet hangs in the air, the noise of Seoul coming to life filling the background is muffled. They stand, Jongin in accepted defeat and Kyungsoo with a searching gaze. The silence stretches and Kyungsoo breaks it with a sigh of 'Jongin' that's so quiet if you weren't listening carefully you'd miss it.

But of course, the younger's gaze sharpens and he focuses on the elder. He waits, knowing that Kyungsoo will continue. And he does, "How are you?"

It's a simple question, one that's exchanged in cordial greeting, but the way it's spoken tells Jongin that Kyungsoo wants the real answer. Silence answers Kyungsoo before he takes in a ragged breath and quietly replies, "Not good." It breaks Kyungsoo's heart a little more to hear the confirmation that he's been dreading but he just nods.

"I'm worried about you." At this, Jongin breaks their eye contact and his head swings away as though he can't stand to carry 's heavy gaze. He doesn't say anything but his fingers curls around Kyungsoo's smaller ones when he slips his hand into the dancer's hanging hand. Kyungsoo takes a moment to cherish the warmth that radiates from Jongin. "What's wrong, Jongin?"

The taller frowns and he shakes his head. "Everything."

Kyungsoo steps closer, the chill night air drawing away his warmth. "Tell me them."

At this, Jongin finally looks back at the singer and with a world weary voice he whispers, "I can't do it anymore."

"Do what?”

"Dance. Smile. Charm. And most importantly, be perfect," Jongin's voice cracks over perfect and he feels the way the younger's finger squeeze as though trying to get to his own fingers.

"Jongin, you don't have to be perfect. You're human," Kyungsoo begins before Jongin flinches as though hit. This is where Kyungsoo thinks the descent to hell begins.

"What?" The younger hisses, his eyes narrowing to glare at the elder. Kyungsoo backs away in alarm at the sudden change in his band member. He opens his mouth to ask what's that matter before Jongin interjects, "What do you mean 'not have to be'!" His voice pitches higher.

Kyungsoo can only stare wide eyed as Jongin whirls around to dash back into SM's building before pausing and snarling with such ferocity that Kyungsoo's never seen before, "I'm an idol, hyung. I have to be perfect. It's the only way."

It leaves Kyungsoo with so many questions and he breaks away from his spot, the spell broken. "Jongin!" he screams as he throws the door open to chase after him. But Jongin uses his long legs to his advantage.

☆

Kyungsoo trudges back to where he knows the managers are waiting for the rest of the stragglers to return before leaving for home. Sehun, Minseok, Luhan, and Tao occupy one van and Joonmyeon, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Yixing occupy the other. He doesn't see Jongin anywhere, and since the younger normally occupies the seat next to Kyungsoo in the van, Baekhyun pauses in his avid conversation with Chanyeol to raise a brow at the younger when Kyungsoo plops down next to him. He just huffs a sigh with a minute nod Baekhyun resumes his conversation with Chanyeol with slightly less enthusiasm.

Resigned, he leans his head on the animated elder who just returns the affection with a soft pat on the head. Kyungsoo huffs and stares blankly at the dark windows on the other van. A familiar shape moves in the back and he feels a sharp sting in his chest. The curve of the nose and the posture is memorized from months, years of stolen glances and he knows who's in the other van immediately. Kyungsoo stifles the noise of pain that wants to slip past his lips and he closes his eyes, trying to console himself with excuses.

☆

Kyungsoo wants to scream. He lies to himself, it's ok if Jongin shies away from him, but it's not ok if he locks himself away from everyone. It's a gradual change, but it's such a drastic change, everyone picks up on it. The easy smile on his lips is replaced by a permanent uneasy shift of his eyes. The hours that he comes home at are ridiculous and he sports new injuries and pains everyday. Everything changes. He's no longer playful and all the members sense the change, and no one knows how to adjust to the stranger that controlled Jongin's body. He's obsessed with the notion of perfection.

He's tried so hard. Nearly every evening, morning, really when Jongin tries to sidle into the dorm at early hours, Kyungsoo's dozing on the kitchen counter, startled awake by the quiet click of the front door.

"Jongin!" Kyungsoo calls after the younger as he casts a hard glance at the elder. He makes his way to the bathroom, ignoring the whispered calls and Kyungsoo's scrambling after him. The door clicks shut with the lock, quiet but resounding with finality. The conversation was offer on Jongin's part. They repeated the routine nearly every night until Kyungsoo just watched the younger silently just give a minute nod at him before slipping into the bathroom to drown himself under the hot water while Kyungsoo just watches someone he loves disappear more and more.

☆

It combusts when it affects not just his personal life, but when it affects work.

"I can't," Jongin quietly mutters.

The instructor, the same from weeks ago, is steadily getting more and more red faced. "What do you mean 'you can't'?" He grounds out, his fists clenched dangerously.

Everyone is on edge, an atmosphere of tension cuts into each member and there's a primal urge of alarm ringing in every person. Kyungsoo's watching with wide eyes, Sehun with a worried gaze, Wufan with his concerned expression. The practice room is deadly quiet.

"I can't do improv?" Jongin repeats, the end of his statement going up like a question, as though he's not sure of himself. He's hyper aware of everyone's heavy gaze on him and unlike his old self, he shrinks away from the attention.

The instructor takes a deep breath before shifting his shoulders back. His voice is strict and business, "You can either learn to listen to me or I'll have Sehun take your place in this performance."

There's a collective intake of breath. Jongin has always been center focus. Always. The youngest has always fought tooth and nail for the prestigious position but this new Jongin, this alien Jongin merely backs away.

He meekly nods his head and gestures weakly to Sehun.

The instructor takes in the defeat with a flash of disappointment before wiping away the look. He immediately begins to edit the routine, shoving Jongin into Sehun's old spot while the youngest took care of the 30 second improvisation.

☆

Practice does eventually end and the instructor leaves and everyone in the room is left to pick up the broken pieces. Normally, after practice is wobbly, but good natured smiles, easy banter, and exhaustion in the air, but today, only one is present. It's a quiet that unnerves everyone that fills the room as the members begin collecting their things. There's plenty of awkward moments as someone hesitates to point out the elephant in the room, but no one actually does a thing.

Until Kyungsoo slams down his bag. Everyone flinches and they turn wide eyes onto the petit member but he's too busy glaring at the last member to react to the loud noise.

(Jongin wants so much. He wants to be an all rounder, without any distinct flaws and he tries, tries, tries until he overextends himself and snaps the boundary that's been holding himself.)

Kyungsoo stomps over to Jongin and gives him a resounding punch in the stomach that has him doubling over and Exo springs forth with loud cry to stop the furious singer. With an infamous anger, the petit man had an unexpected amount of power behind his punches and kicks and they winced in sympathy for Jongin, who's still doubled over gasping for breath. Though a few members agreed with Kyungsoo and wanted to give the dancer a sound beating as well, but they just held back the man who was glaring holes into Jongin.

"If you don't think you can't do something that you can, think again, Kim. You didn't ing go through years of training that I know you struggled through to say that you can't do improv. I know for a fact that you can, but you're just unsure. You never used to give up this easily and I always admired you about that quality," Kyungsoo spat in a cold voice that froze everyone in their spots. No one had heard such ice in the singer's voice before and if terrified a number of them.

Kyungsoo throws his head back and lets out a cold bark of laugh before nearly sneering, "But I guess you don't even have that now." Baekhyun and Sehun's head dipped slightly as through they unconsciously agreed with the statement.

When Jongin looked up into the faces of s, he saw pity, sadness, and a few traces of frustrated anger.

(This wasn't what he wanted. Perfection was what he wanted. It's what he was pursuing, right?

Right?)

With that, Kyungsoo rips away his arms from his leaders' arms and turned away from the man that he had come to admire and fall a little in love with. With a straight back, he strode out of the room. The members watched with wide eyes and only Baekhyun saw the way the younger's lower lip slightly trembled as he whispered silent apologies.

Outside of the practice room, his legs gave out and he slumped, exhausted against the wall. It took so much to hurt the ones he loves but Kyungsoo was up against the wall, without any options left with Jongin. He didn't want to see the younger spiral away into his obsession and let himself slip away from Kyungsoo. It was already too far gone and he hates feeling helpless. He can only pray that this makes Jongin realize.

It's all he can ask for as he feels strong arms that aren't Jongin's wrap around him and another voice that isn't Jongin's ask if he was ok. He wanted to cry out that it wasn't him that needed to be asked that question, but Jongin but the words die when he raises his moist eyes to stare at him members who look at him understanding eyes. "Jongin," is all that he's able to choke out, vision blurring at the edges from the moisture gathered there.

"He'll be fine. Physically," Luhan quietly assures him and Kyungsoo sags heavily in Chanyeol's arms.

"Let's go home," he whispers and they do.

☆

Jongin lies alone, the hardwood of the practice room digging into his back. Light seeps in, filtered by curtains and it casts the room in dark shadows. Only the lights from the bright building across the street keep the room from being pitch black.

He feels the ache. The ache in his legs. The ache in his shoulders. The ache in his back. The most recent pain isn’t an ache. It’s a throb.

Pain shoots down Jongin’s ankle as he tries to roll the joint and he grimaces. Serves him right for trying to go that last turn on his left instead of his right and now that’s why he’s lying on the floor with a presumed twisted ankle and a long lecture from his manager in the future.

It all comes crashing down. Exhaustion tugs down his heavy, heavy lids, weary makes his soul dark, and Jongin feels the corners of his eyes prick.

They slide down, hot and leave a trailing blaze that only serves to remind Jongin of his chase of something unattainable. The full effect of the position that he’s just handed over to Sehun comes barrelling into Jongin and he wails. If he doesn’t even have dancing, what does he have now?

And then it’s just to hard to hold it back. Tears burst out of him and he’s curling in on himself as though to protect himself from something.

Jongin knows.

He’s been chasing Kai when Jongin is too flawed to become flawless.

Tumblr - Livejournal

A/N: I really apologize for the long wait for this. I have really mixed feelings about this. There are some parts that I like better and this completely write itself. I've re-written a few parts maybe 6 times and I redid the ending at least 3 times. 

In a sort of apologetic way, this is much longer the others! xD Kinda makes up for the wait....?

I probably should have said this after Disturbia but I never really saw it coming, but I'm going in a semi-hiatus. School has been tough and I'll try to add chapters whenever I can. I'll add oneshots and drabbles every now and then, so I won't be compelely gone.

TLDR; Longer than usual. Mixed feelings. Semi-hiatus (oneshots and drabbles). Will try to update LIBAD. 

Thanks for sticking through!