6: Angels Do Exist - by theshadowknight_
~Like a Rose~ ReviewshopReview #6
» reviewed by IrradiatorBeta
Angels Do Exist
by theshadowknight_
TITLE AND DESCRIPTION [2.5/6]
Originality and Relevance [1/2]
Well... It definitely captured the second part well. But with Luhan and Christmas... I don't know. I feel like you should have combined it or something, but I suppose it's up to you.
Grammar/Spelling [1/2]
1) Right off the bat, there's a clash in tenses:
He said he hated Christmas.
She's determined to change his mind.
"Said" is in past tense, and so is the rest of your foreword, for that matter. However, "she's" is not the abbreviation for "she was," but rather "she is," making it present tense.
2) Super awkward sentence here:
A year had finally passed since that incident and he was finally able to move on, but then much to his dismay, that one girl in his class suddenly decides to rekindle his spirit again.
It's rather straightforward... double use of "finally" makes the sentence uncomfortable to read and rather rocky. Also, the first "finally" doesn't seem to fit. In your first sentence, it was implied that those events of place (his friend dying) were when the story was set; the present. However, to indicate that the story is in fact set a year after, is a little off-throwing. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't quite work there.
Another point, the comma usage in this sentence is a little wierd. Most of the times, before a phrase like "much to his dismay," there should be a comma indicating a separation.
Appeal [0.5/2]
To be frank, I wasn't very drawn in with the description. A good description should leave you asking questions, but have a general idea of what's going on. So far, I've only gotten half of that - the asking questions bit. It's too vague, not particularly intriguing nor creative. The twoliners confused me, because I thought they were talking about the same two people and not be two totally separate things, and also confused because the two were kind of linked, but not quite. Which is rather confusing. Other than that, I still don't know how Luhan's story and Minseok's even come together at all (though I suppose I will figure that one out after reading the story, I still feel it would be better if you showed some sort of link beforehand just to get a reader hooked in)*. And here's a question: if Luhan had "moved on," one would presume he was over his irrational dislike for holiday enthusiasm, no? And why would it be "to his dismay"? It seems like he hasn't moved on at all.
Personally, I'm not too big of a fan of using paragraphs after throwing out a oneliner, twoliner, whatever. It kind of ruins the effect, but I suppose you can make it work.
*Note: After finishing the story, I see the link now and understand why you would want to hide the connection, so you could leave it to the end, I suppose. However, I left that section in there just to give you an idea of the perspective of a reader and the first impressions received upon reading the foreword.
TECHNICAL ASPECTS [12/14]
Punctuation [3/3]
No problems here!
Grammar/Spelling [6/8]
1)
...would literally blind you with the not needed amount of annoying...
Kind of confusing here. Try "unneeded" instead.
2)
"I don't regret anything.
Close the quotations.
Paragraph formatting [3/3]
No problems as far as I can see.
PLOTLINE [5/5]
Originality [2/2]
Full points for this one! This is actually really cute and I've never seen this sort of plot before, good job.
Logicality [3/3]
I think overall it's not something you might see in real life, but throughout the entire story, I kept thinking it was like an anime of some sort, like one of those over-exaggerated ones that are super funny but actually have a plot line that makes sense, you know? Especially the part where Ahreum was swing a freaking chair around XD.
WRITING [11/15]
Flow and Consistency [7/10]
I think you did a really good job in creating a smooth storyline, even though it was short. The atmosphere fits a oneshot very well, and the events transition into one another smoothly. Character interactions are done well, not rushed, paced throughout the story. Luhan's pessimism is obvious and persists throughout the entire story in many subtle places, and I could really feel his character. The filter of which the story is told from shows what sort of views Luhan has as a person and it doesn't change, which is good. I actually kind of feel like Minseok's part was dragged out a bit... it seemed a little boring, though the last scene did make up for it, I think Luhan's part was better in terms of flow. Sora's character also seems a bit flat and not as dynamic or in-depth as the others, even though character development isn't really a big thing when it comes to oneshots.
Description [--/10]
Didn't see much of this, but since it's a oneshot, I'll let it slide. Prose isn't particularly necessary anyway when it comes down to it in < 3000 word stories.
Dialogue [4/5]
Your dialogue is done very well. Luhan adds his own commentary in between, which I love, and it is quite believable. With Minseok and Sora, the dialogue is a little flatter, not as believable or dynamic. I don't know if it's too big of a problem, but it seems less smooth.
GENERAL ENJOYMENT [18/20]
Like I said before, cute storyline, totally original. I have to say, Ahreum and Luhan's segment was better done overall, more character depth, stronger metaphor. I feel like Minseok's part was more like an accompaniment, to provide a feeling of closure to the story. The writing in that part is not as strong, but the end was much more touching. Overall, the whole piece was really nice as a Christmas special, even though I'm not too big of a fan of OC fics, this one is rather exceptional.
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