A pair of little fingers covered in melted sweet chocolate grazed the stainless window sill; a pair doe-like eyes reflected the shimmer of endless white that covered the neighbourhood streets.

The first drop of snow.

Quick thuds from her tiny feet engulfed the quiet of her home as she ran in the biggest strides she could make in hopes of catching the first snowflake.

Ryujin has her nose stuck against transparent window glass, gradually turning red as the cold seeps through the material and into her flesh.

Being barely four years old, and surrounded by white and colorful lanterns was the oldest memory Ryujin could remember.

She watches as kids run in the field with their moms holding their tiny hands and she couldn't help but feel excitement creep into her toothless smile,

"Mama!" Ryujin chirps with her nose now as red as tomato, "Can I go out and play?"

Ryujin's mom, still in her late 20s with long brown locks and the same doe-like eyes, finds herself busy with holiday preparations.

It was that time of the year, Ryujin vividly recalls.

Their home wasn't lavishly decorated; settling with a medium sized Christmas tree with glittery silver baubles, baby blue tinsels, little gingerbread men ornaments and a lopsided tree-topper she carefully placed, it boasted of typical childhood warmth she always felt when she was younger.

The crackling of lit dark oak timber inside the bricked cove resonated in her tiny ears, and a very familiar scent of sickly sweet engulfed her now very reddened nose.

Her mother's eyes turned into crescent moons as she her heel, "Don't you wanna help mama prepare the cookies?" She grabs a pair of wet tissues and wipes Ryujin's chocolate covered hands,

"Looks like someone went ahead prepared sweets for themselves," A warm smile forming across her face,

Ryujin giggles as she retracts her hand and on her tiny thumb, "Sowwyyy, I'll clean it myself and I pwomise I'll help with cookies later," She jumps away from the window sill and runs to where she could last remember her shoes were,

Her mom has her hands on her waist, with strands of hair tucked behind her ear and white flour visible on the black cloth apron she was wearing, she gave her daughter a questioning look.

"But everyone is playing outside," Ryujin pouts, "I wanna make snow angels!" She suggested with stars in her eyes, and her mom couldn't help but feel the swell in her heart,

"Okay, but come back before daddy comes home, alright?" She helps Ryujin put on her faux fur covered boots after she seeing how Ryujin interchanged the pair in excitement,

"Pwomise!" Ryujin flashes her toothy smile and prominent whisker dimples; her feet tiptoeing to slide the lock on the door, and she twists the knob as remnants of the melted chocolate in her hand found its way to stain the steel,

Her mom watches as the kid runs in the snow, and the muffled laughter of a young Ryujin outside covered the insides of their home along with the constant beeping of the kitchen timer against the marble countertops,

Ryujin remembers her first snow, and how she thought snow always ironically equaled warmth and happy.

---

At six, Ryujin had started to develop social mannerisms that would soon be called as anxiety 15 years from then.

This was her first day in grade school and being entirely home schooled beforehand didn't help her yet to be developed social skills.

The teacher had tasked the class to form in pairs, and she was a newcomer with no friends.

With tears filling the edges of her eyes, she bites on her lower lip in an attempt to keep the inevitable whimper from spilling out of . She fiddles with her thumbs in an attempt to distract herself from the growing dread slowly making its way past her skin and threatening to escape in the form of bursting tempestuous tears.

This was the first time she had been inside a room with this many people the same age and "size" as her. All she could remember before being dropped off was her mom telling her, "Have fun, Ryujinnie. Mama will be back before you even know it," To say that her mother lied to her face was something she was slowly realizing—first, she wasn't "having" fun and second, she already "knew" it and her mom was nowhere in sight.

She was staring at her white rubber shoes with bunnies printed on both sides of the pair when she suddenly heard hopping thuds near her left ear,

The girl in pink cherry pigtails on the opposite side of the room was excitedly skipping to where Ryujin was seated,

"Wo-jeen?" A girl the same age as her reads the big nametag in between her thick american accent,

Ryujin keeps her voice barely audible as she nods her head in agreement or semi-agreement—she didn't have the confidence to correct the kid in front of her.

"Do you want to be partners?" She suggests slowly, her korean was barely passable,

Ryujin has her head hung low as panic courses through her mind and she frantically puts her hand above her chin and bites on her nails.

She shrinks a little to the side, feeling overwhelmed with her surroundings and the ecstatic voice coming from the other girl caused a surge of panic in her bloodstreams.

She was about to cry any minute.

"Wo-jeen? Hello?" The foreign girl tilts her head closer as she attempts to see Ryujin's face behind her hair,

All control Ryujin had over her emotions spiralled, and she found herself wailing and sobbing in whatever ways she could alleviate the panick attack she felt,

The girl in front of her was taken aback, being six and being barely able to communicate was already challenging enough for the little girl.

The same panic courses through her as she attempts to comfort a crying Ryujin, "I'm sowwwieeeeee," She tries in between her quivering lips that were starting to taste salty from the tears that was dripping from her eyes,

"Did I say your name wrong?" She questions, because what else could have been the reason for the girl in front of her to cry? She couldn't understand.

"Uh..Uh.." She was already panicking both from the situation the six year old could no longer control and the rapid sniffing in between her words in an attempt to prevent further snot from dripping down to her already salty lips, "We can be friends instead!" She pats Ryujin's shoulder, only amplifying the wails from the latter.

The little girl in pink pigtails soon found herself mirroring the wails and cries of the girl in front of her. She couldn't think of other things that would appease the "mess" she created. As she hurriedly runs to her glittery pink trolley bag, she frantically looks for a rectangular piece of plastic where her crayons were placed.

While her eyes were blurry from the continuous formation of tears in her ducts, she grabs a piece of crayon and runs back to Ryujin as fast as her little strides would take her.

"Here," She grabs Ryujin's left hand away from her eyes and pries it open, "Mommy said you should offer peace if you make someone cry," She sniffles and lays the green crayon in the other girl's hand, "This is my peace offering so don't cry anymore,"

It took Ryujin a while to calm down from her crying fit. Fiddling with the loose string on the sleeve of her shirt, she hiccups her first words out of , "It's.. Ryu..Jin.." She inhales deep to suppress the second wave of tears, "Not Woo-jeen..."

The inquisitive stranger flashes her a toothy smile, "Silly, you could have just told me," She grabs her free hand and leads Ryujin to her table, "It's your turn to offer me peace now,"

Ryujin, not understanding what the girl beside her meant, racked her baby brain for any idea that would satisfy the stranger's standards for "offerings". She then grabbed a piece of paper from the table and proceeded to doodle an image,

"Here," her voice quiet but was now free from the constant hiccups. She hands the girl a piece of paper with visible etches of green lines shaped rectangularly, the inside was roughly colored in with most going past the lines. Letters were written in the center as it read, albeit understandably misspelled: tiktak kendi

The foreign girl knits her eyebrow in confusion, trying to decipher what the image meant. She was about to guess when a voice suddenly cut her off, "It's my favorite treat.. I don't usually share, but I'll give you one." Ryujin huffs air into the insides of and bashfully attempts to avert her gaze away from the stranger,

The little girl laughs sheepishly, "I love it," She affirms, "Peace accepted, but next time, I want to have the real candy," She folded the piece of paper and carefully tucked it in between one of the pockets in her trolley bag.

Ryujin looks at her and a smile forms across her face, revealing an incomplete set of teeth.

She thought to herself; maybe kids her age and size weren't that bad after all and maybe her mother was right—not about her being back before she even knows it but that she did have some fun, just not in ways most conventional.

She stares at the green crayon in her hand, and she feels a sense of emotion new to her.

Peace offerings—it gets tough before it gets great, and for six year-old Ryujin, it lead to her first fit of anxiety induced panic attack, and the first friend she ever had.

She remembered the color green, and maybe tic tacs weren't entirely the reason why it was her favorite.

---

Ryujin abruptly wakes up from her sleep—cold sweat planted on the surfaces of her exposed skin, her chest rising and dropping at a rate faster than she could catch her breath.

It was one of those nights.

Insomnia has been constantly knocking on her doors lately. There were times when she'd feel like a normal person, but the dreams she's been having were relentlessly gnawing at the facade she had built every time she thinks she has gotten over it.

It.

These dreams of white snow, flashes of the color green, the laughter inside a hidden repository tucked away in the deepest parts of her brain... They always find their way back to her consciousness.

She treads her way to the linear hall of their home—it wasn't like her dreams. It was void of everything warm, of the sweet scent of familiarity.

It made her chuckle in distaste. Did her surroundings really change, or did she really just become a stranger to herself over the years?

She turns the knob, and the door creaks open ever so slightly. She catches a glimpse of two bodies resting on a king sized bed. The room was lit solely by a single bedside lamp, and the longer she stares the more her heart swells at the sight. If there was one thing she could feel, it was the love she had always felt for her parents.

Ryujin always found the irony in this feeling because the greater the love she feels, the more she wallows in self-pity.

It is during these moments, when she routinely checks up on them in the middle of the night; her fingers fiddling with the hem of her shirt; and tears cascading down her eyes, that the reality of her dreams overwhelmingly dawns on her—she was selfishly longing for something this world can't give her, and not even the love she received from others were enough to keep her from thinking otherwise.

The etches on her skin, and the prickling of the wounds on her wrist—these are promises she made to herself.

One more.

One more, and maybe it will stop.

One more, and maybe it will come.

---

The ambient whirling of the fan was drowned out by the laughter and giggles that filled the four corners of room. The constant sound of shuffling sheets against their skins was magnified tenfold when Ryujin pressed the wrists of the girl under her against the mattress—strands of hair cascading down her face and she stares into the hazel tinted orbs reflecting hers, trying to memorize each and every detail.

She was scared.

She was scared she'd blink and she would forget.

The girl giggled under her, "What?" She questions, her skin searching for the answer in Ryujin's touch.

Ryujin sighed, "Are you really leaving?" She answers with a question. "You know I'd prefer if you stay," She combs her fingers through her hair, tucking loose hair behind her ear.

"I know," The girl hums in approval, her voice melodic, "but, Dad prefers if I go back and study somewhere else," She grazes her thumb against Ryujin's left cheek, "Also, it's been years and I haven't received a single candy from you. I think that's long overdue.. figured might as well leave if all I get are pieces of paper every time we fight," She jests, flashing the raven-haired girl a playful smile,

"You could have told me that's all it'll take to stop you from leaving," Ryujin smirks at her, "I'd run to the nearest convenience store right now, but I'm scared I would come home to an empty bed... or empty fridge."

She receives a punch on her right shoulder, "Just kidding!" She runs the palm of her hand against the aching muscle.

The girl under her starts giggling, and she tackles Ryujin into a tight hug. Her breathing slowly evening out, and their skins touch from the tips of their fingers against each other's backs to their noses brushing against the crook of their necks.

Ryujin can feel her heart beating against her chest, and she prays that the girl under her doesn't hear the rapid thuds. She attempts to distract themselves from the silence, and she opens to say something stupid—anything to save herself from the shame of confessing her emotions through technically getting betrayed by her own body.

The girl abruptly pulls away from the embrace but keeps the raven-haired girl at a palm's length. It's as if she heard her prayers and decided crossing the thin line between familiarity and the unknown wasn't worth the risk. She stares into her eyes, and Ryujin could feel her breath against hers.

"Don't forget about me," The girl mutters under her breath, her eyes still glued on Ryujin's.

The raven-haired girl laughs internally—how could she forget? When she knew her face would haunt her years from then, and it did because she would dream of her constantly for the coming years.

The girl plants a quick peck on the farthest corner of Ryujin's lips, and Ryujin wished this day never ended, or that time slowed down enough for her to muster the courage to tell her... that if she could, she would follow her to the end of the world if it meant getting three more minutes of being enwrapped in her embrace.

But she could only wish because that was the last time they would be the closest to almost—to almost closing the physical distance, and the closest to ever being more than just a blurry line between familiarity and uncertainty.


 

Ryujin never saw her for years, and time continued pass by, as it waits for no one to be ready—to be brave enough to take the risk.

There were times when she thought she had forgotten about this facet of her life that she carefully tucked in the deepest parts of her memory. She grew up, and there were times she wondered if what she felt was a dream, or just amplified emotions because everything she did with her was her first.

And as she contemplated about this for the years that came, she had convinced herself that it was a fever dream she had when she was younger—that she came close to actually feeling love.

Love

It was the word she recklessly explored throughout the years, and in searching she found... that love doesn't come easy for people like her.

Love doesn't come knocking at your door when you're fifteen and in high school. Love doesn't sweep you off your feet when you least expect it. Love doesn't find you in the middle of the day drinking afternoon coffee at a café—no, love wasn't like that for people like her.

Love hides when you look for it. Love runs when you try to catch it, and if by rare chance, love visits, love can't—it can't stay for people like her; it can't cross lifetimes and the next; it simply can't because in exploring she learned... that love can be different when you find yourself in the position of loving in the way society labeled as "not conventional."

She has heard it all her life—how "girls can't kiss girls", and how Adam was made for Eve, not Steve.

Ryujin accepted that she can't feel this far-fetched "happiness" she was longing for, no, definitely not in this lifetime.

Even if life did bless her with great friends, and a happy family, she can't sacrifice general happiness over something so specific—to feel pure joy in the privilege freely being able to love who you love.

She would only recall the closest she was to ever loving when she would visit her in her dreams. In black shirt, and striking hazel tinted orbs.

Until she sees her one day, after years of slowly fading from her memory.

And just like the last time, her heart ached... because reality dawned on her.

She was, again, an "almost" too short and too late because the first time she ever caught sight of those familiar orbs she only saw in her dreams was the day she transferred schools, and Yuna muttered six words that shook her to the core.

"That is Jisu," Yuna pointed at the unfamiliar yet nostalgic figure standing a couple of feet away from them, "She's my girlfriend,"

The first drop of snow.

Ryujin remembers that day—when it snowed and she always thought it equaled warmth and happy except this one wasn't. Her legs trembled in cold, and she could feel the quivering in her lips.

Her mom was right—she was back before she even knew it, and this wasn't just some fever dream. Jisu, a few steps away from her, was as real as it gets.

Her heart shattered like ice.

That was the last time she had looked forward to snow.

She thought love wasn't like that to people like her, but seeing Yuna and Jisu stay together for years that came, she changed her mind.

Love was solely different for her—and images of Jisu still haunted her in her dreams from that day onwards. She was so close to figuring out, that maybe she could have had a chance at the kind of happiness she was selfishly longing for.

One more.









 

A/N

I'm officially back! Thank you so much to everyone who congratulated me on the announcement I posted.

And of course, thank you so much for patiently waiting after all these months. I am grateful for all of you. :(

How was the update? I hope it wasn't too jarring (kekeke i hope you at least read the last chapter so the tone wouldn't be too drastic)

You finally have a little glimpse of ryujin's past & thoughts ;)

I will be uploading the next chapter soon, and while you wait, I don't really recommend fics but check out this golden JL fic for my fellow blinkzys hehe.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/258178435-switch-jenlisa

by @JLovesickGirl

Definitely a good read!