It's Friday night, and I'm at home with my dad, aunt, and brother, and I have a moment to really think back on the last few days, and it's been...hard. It's been a hard week, and I need to talk. I desperately need to talk and vent, but I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable approaching to vent because of who and what it concerns? So I'm just gonne write it down.

So my ex girlfriend, the crazy one that was stirring up with my friends, has been lying to them. About me. I had to return a box of clothing to her that her mother mistakenly packed and left for me to collect -- but that's another story that I don't really want to get into right now. Anyway, her mom packed it, I found it a couple months back, deliberated for a couple weeks about whether to return it or not, eventually decided (after advice from a mutual friend that shall henceforth be called Bee) that I should offer to return it. Despite ignoring my previous texts asking for a recipe, and asking about our shared phone bill, and letting her know that I was going to cancel my part of our gym membership, she answered the email I sent about her clothing immediately. And demanded I bring them to her because it's holiday season and she desn't have time to meet me. Even though when she first asked if I had it (before I went through my boxes looking for winter clothes), she offered to come pick up the box or meet me somewhere. But no big. I get it, I've seen her holiday season. It's busy. 

So I offer to meet her, she refuses. I offer to take it to her work, she tells me to take it in super early before she gets there on my one day off. Not happening. I feel bad that her mom's an idiot, but I'm not wasting my gas and waking up extra early on my day off to drive two hours round trip to be chewed out by her coworkers. No thanks. So this past Sunday I have to hit the grocery store, and since the closest one is in her town, I offer to drop it off. She tells me to leave it on the porch. Don't ring the bell, don't knock on the door -- it'll wake her mom and the dogs. I lived with her for 8 months. I know that her mom's in bed by 7:30 usually, and it'll be 9:30 when I get there, so I know better, and I tell her I'll text her. So I do just that. I drop off the box on the front porch, text her, and go. I still have to drive back to the city, and it's a long drive. 

I found on on Tuesday that I upset her by not hanging around to say hi. She broke up with me over email, kicked me out of the house and had me move out within the span of a week, unfriended me, blocked me on all social media and messengers, and told me not to come out to the house without express permission. When I texted her, she ignored me. But she got mad that I didn't stay to say hi before I left. And she told this to Bee, who told me after I had a midnight overthinking session and vented to her about how I'd gotten upset over something stupid and it reminded me that Kayla had never made me feel important to her? So when I corrected Bee and offered to screenshot our email conversation as proof, she snapped back on Kayla for lying to her. As it turns out, Kayla's been complaining about me for the past couple months about stuff I didn't do, stuff I have no control over, and was definitely trying to alienate my from the rest of our shared group of friends. And I'm. I'm so frustrated with her. I was willing to try to be friends. I'll never date her again. This is the second time she's done this to me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But I'd decided that despite how she treated me so poorly in hindsight, how our relationship was mentally and emotionally abusive after I moved in with her to escape my mom, I thought we could try. 15 years of friendship. I didn't want to let go. Now I just want her to leave me alone.

Moving on, my mom's a fruitcake and it's driving me insane. With the holiday coming up, I only get the one day off. Have to work Wendesday and Friday, only get Thursday to hang with the fam and eat. Mom wants me to stay with her so she won't have to go to her boyfriend's crazy family gathering. Not a huge deal since I don't want to go to my half sister's dinner. She puts cheetoes in her turkey and I am 110% not interested? But mom has been pressuring me for the last week, asking me what I want to eat, wehther I like this or that, asking if we need ham and turkey. Tonight she tried to "subliminal message" me and pretty much just tried to pressure me into agreeing on the spot. It also doesn't  help that she's  getting weird because it's the anniversary of when my grandpa -- her dad -- died. It's been seven years, but she's not over it. It's not something you can really get over. It's hard, I get it, I know, but it's making her weird. And I don't know if I want to deal with that. I'm also sick to deal of her pushy texts and questions.

It's also been a year and one week since I left my mom's house in the middle of the night. I'm emotional and just feel...weird. I lierally ran away from home in the middle of the night to escape her, and now I'm staying in her house on the couch during the week to commute to work. I don't know how I feel about that.

My godmom, mom's best friend (or ex-best friend, another long story), messaged me out of the blue three-ish weeks ago, told me she was thinking of moving to New Orleans because her sons are jerks (they are) and have abandoned her, and she had nothing tying her to where she was now that her brother and mom were dead and the house had sold. She told me some weird and vaguely ominous "I love you and if somehting happens to me it'll be accidental" and said she had to go talk to someone about the move. And then disappeared for three weeks. She messaged me a couple days ago on my lunch break. Told me the ER staff managed to revive her and she was going to really think about moving to New Orleans. And I'm here just. Exhausted. I love her, but she's driving me insane because I don't know what to do for her when she won't let me help her and she won't tell me where she is. But I can't let her go. When my mom disowned me, she was there for me. And when I explained what mom did last November, she stood by me. But I don't know what to do.

And then work. Work is a show. We're understaffed again and the HR person isn't hiring anyone new right now. We're about to hit our last peak of the year. We went from working 8ish hour days back to 11 hour days. Our morning/day manager Matt tried for the open DC position, even though he told us he didn't want it, and didn't get it. So now he's taking it out on us. He's taken away one of the breaks pickers get if we're working more than 8 hours in a shift, but hasn't touched the checkers' schedule at all. And he's letting some people break the rules while enforcing those same rules on others. Our lead, Tasha, has a bias for certain people and is being unusually hard on everyone else. And here very soon I'm going to have to go talk to our HR person because this is all getting a little much, and a couple other work things are making it hard for anyone to succeed by doing what they're supposed to do. The way things are right now, the only path to success is to cut corners and make life harder on everyone else.

Oh. and NaNo. I love NaNo. I love participating in NaNo. But November is halfway over, and I've only written approximately 500 words out of my 50k goal. Not including apps I've worked on and rp stuff I do. But 500 words on the story I made my goal. I'm so frustrated with myself. It's so hard to write right now. And it's hard to get feedback, to decide whether what I'm writing is good or not. I'm worried it's not good enough. I'm worried I'm losing my edge. I'm worried I can't do this. I'm worried that I'll never make it and I'll be stuck doing physical labor in a warehouse for the rest of my life. I just. I don't know. I'm not confident in my writing right now. I'm not confident in me.