ermm... I just wanted to let out some of my thoughts here on AFF. Just to share and ease this thoughts. 

So... emmm... I remember breaking down here on my chaptered story post, Make Him Kneel where I've stop writing it for a long time. Its been years I think and I just can't find it in me to write again. huhu, but now that I am okay, I am back to writing again with a new story (Eyes On Me) and you know, I am so overwhelm by the support of the readers there. Even on my MHK story, it has been a wonderful feeling. I feel like, ahhh... so it wasn't me alone who felt like this, and I am not alone. 

Even through my writings I feel so appreciated. And honestly, its been so long since I last felt that. 

So I've been doing a lot of thinking as to WHY did I became like this and all, and I think I found out now... For me, its a very sad reason because its such a simple... overthinking of mine ? I always always thought that I am... not worth it of anything. My family, my friends, my life. It makes my inner dark thoughts grow stronger every single time I think about it. And the most toxic part of me is that... even a simple tweet or sentences could trigger this worthlessness in me. You get it ?

Like... I can't read tweets about some stuff, life, or relationship because then I'd feel like breaking down and just curl in my bed do nothing. I hate that actually. I hate it when I think of those thoughts. I don't just think, I compare and belittle myself. Can you imagine that? Belittling your own self. Its not anyone else fault, its mine. 

It was my fault that I think too much, I compare myself alot. I lost my own purpose in life because I was trying to fit myself in someone's life... I feel sorry for that. I used to be so strong on my own... But then, out of nowhere I started crumbling down... 

I... I don't really have any 'friends' in real life. I mean... I'm not someone who can maintain a friendship for a long time. I guess I'm the one "people come and people go" type of person. But a very few that I have, I keep them too close to my heart. I cared, I treasured them too much... that when they left /or when I left/ a part of me just... gone.

When my friend started their working career, I stop troubling them. I don't want to... disturb them too much. I kept my distance because I might... be a nuisance to them. Because I am not worthy to be as close as I used to be with them. Because I haven't get a job yet. I didn't manage to be the best version of myself so I need to stay away from everyone. So that they won't see how toxic, how worthless I actually am to be their friends. 

I used to have some friends that... haha, I thought we're on the same boat, same ship, same course. But haha, *jokes on me* because I was the only one who think like that. We are never on the same side. I was looking at a double sided mirror where I thought we were standing at the same place yet I was standing alone, looking at the reflection in the mirror that I am not alone when all these while, they were on the other side. Perhaps, laughing at how pathetic I actually am. How stupid of me to even dare to think that I am with them. 

Shame on me to think that I belong there... 

Okay... now that I finally realise that I am not... I should stop right ? I should stop putting too much attention on them. I should stop caring, stop looking at the damn reflection as if it means something to them. As if anything will ever change... 

I'm sorry... for not being the best version of myself all these while. For having thoughts that we were friends. I'm sorry that you had to even know me... I'm sorry... For everything... 

So guys, if you have any dark thoughts, please let it out. Get help. Find a way to help yourself... Please...