Well, hi. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve seen y’all. I’m just going to cut to the chase. Yes, I disappeared and I’m so sorry for the friends I’ve made here that I ditched on y’all so suddenly without saying goodbye. But if you’ve followed and read my feed from my previous account, you’ll known how lost and depressed I got after graduating. Honestly, I didn’t realise it was so bad, but I was going through it badly. All my life, all I know is studying, get to university, studying and more studying. I was so lost and with friends showing off how they are getting job offers, that made me feel like a loser. I literally disappeared not only here but all over my social media except from replying to emails and chats. I spend my days watching Netflix all day, my dad was concerned. Like really concerned. I’m doing my master btw but I still feel miserable because all my friends are getting jobs and getting paid while I’m sitting here reading papers and I feel like I’m behind. Now, I’m a little more okay, like its okay that I’m still getting my education and is behind in terms of life as an adult. Also, the fact that I have friends who are going overseas for job or to continue their research, while I’m still in my own country, that made me feel more of a loser.

I also moved back to my hometown, I’ve been away for year because of university, and I haven’t seen any of my old friends and that took a toll on our friendship. It’s lonely, not gonna lie. I try to rekindle the friendship, but they found new friends, and I didn’t want to disturb that. We are all still friend, just not close friend like we used to. And they are grown people with jobs, I feel left out so I stopped bothering them.

In addition to all that, I’ve also experienced a lot of death these past months, whether it’s family member and friends, from sickness or accident or from old age, and a lot of people falling ill. With the state that I’m already in, I am more overwhelmed like ‘what am I doing, I am nearing the end of my life, what am I doing not getting a job and getting money and starting a family or yada yada’. I felt like too slow and should stop writing because it’s just wasting my time. I seriously considered unaliving myself sometimes, but my pain tolerance is low, and I’m scared of pain. But it’s tempting though, ngl.

The other day, I attended a motivational talk type of thing, it was called a workshop btw, I don’t really know how to describe it but in the session, we ended up talking about passion and what we like to do. I mentioned that I like to write or specifically writing stories, and I’ve been writing for years. She asked if I publish my works anywhere, I said no, and she asked to whom I tell the stories to if they are kept secret in my laptop. That kind of put things in perspective for me. It’s not the writing that I like; I like telling story. I thought about coming back here for days before deciding it, I enjoyed being here, why not come back. I’ve written a couple of new stories when I was away, not complete but its there.

I wouldn’t say this is my ‘comeback’. Writing my thesis is still my priority but doing that can be stressing me out so I will be writing stories on the side. Hopefully we keep each other motivated to live. That’s all for my update, I’m sorry that you had to read about my struggle, maybe I should go get a therapy, but I don’t trust people in my town. I’m okay, I just have a depressive episode every now and then.

I will be restoring my old storied back here soon, if y’all want that, let me know. Or I can just start afresh with new books.