Do you know the feeling of being useless? The feeling that almost everything you did were all wrong and none of it was right or at least being acknowledge? That’s what I’m feeling right now. For the entire time of my stay, I feel as if I’m a dirt, useless little creature who knows nothing.

I admit that I commit mistakes and irresponsible due to the different responsibilities that were given to me by my superior. I know it was hard such as teaching that is not your field and doing something you never done before, yet I was up for those challenges just to prove how flexible and responsible I am from the given responsibilities. Superiors were thrilled and excited because of the proposal I passed and told me they will support me along the way.

School year starts, everything  were settled. I was really excited in fact that this school year will be different from the previous one. Less discussions, more hands-on activities as how the subject I handled was designed to be. I promise myself to make the best out of it and show to everyone that my subjects are fun despite that they’re just minor subjects. At first it was okay, students were enjoying and having fun but little did I know that my superiors were not happy with the outcomes of my activities.

One mistake to another, got scolded not just in front of my superior but in front of my colleagues. She keep telling me she believes in me and that I can do it but I don’t know if I will believe in those things especially right now. Yes, I can feel sincerity, I really do ..BUT the fact that you’re scolded all the time? Do you think you can still believe on that. Yes, I can feel pressure, I need to because I know that sometimes that it’s my fault, but can’t I at least say something, hear me out and understand me?

Was I born in this world just to be criticized negatively and don’t have any chance at all to voice out what’s running in my mind? I’m sick and tired of this kind of thing and all the freaking time, I keep on accepting it is my fault even though it’s not and now I’m feeling it again.

You asked me if I know what I’m doing or do I have any idea about the tasks or outputs, but I can’t answer. You know why? Because you don’t give me a chance to explain properly because you always give me a glare, an aura that make me feel inferior and stupid and always telling me I’m thinking less.

I love my profession and the work I have right now, but with the kind of people I’m around, I’ll rather go out and find another. Because of this dedication I have in my work I am unhappy with it. I want to cry since yesterday but I chose not to even I’m already in the verge of breaking down. I want to say what I feel but rather chose to keep it down because people keep on criticizing and misjudging me. Why? I’m also a person, a mundane, a human being who is capable to feel all possible emotions a human is capable of. Am I an exception? Can’t I feel what you guys feel? Can’t I cry when I feel like crying? Can’t I rant when I feel to rant? Can’t I do this, can’t I do that?

People see me as a happy-go-lucky kind of person, a girl who’s always cheerful and as if don’t have any problem at all. Yes I am cheerful and happy. I don’t like to overthink on problems and dwell on that. But it’s not all the time that I can be like that. From all of the people I know, there’s just less than five people who I know that can understand my situation. There was even one person who told me that she thinks I’m like a hard rock that can’t easily be break but truthfully I’m a glass that even a slightest crack can give high tendency to shatter to pieces.

I’ve been typing this without giving a damn if what I’m saying now has correct grammar or not, if everything is related or gives you jumbling ideas. I’m just stating what is on my mind right now and I’m stressing out that I don’t feel good, I think I’m getting sick and I am in deep sh*t right now.

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