The pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again.
- Charles Dickens

First grade. I didn’t queue for the schoolbus because he was always the first to wait, and I always got to stand next to him and cut the queue no matter how many people were lining up.

Second grade. I was his protector, verbally sparring with playground bullies who liked to pick on him because he wasn’t interested in typical boy stuff. He would rather read and write poetry than kick a football, and they alienated him. They didn’t expect me to retaliate with creative vocabulary that they were not even old enough to understand.

Third grade. I became a good student. Top twenty of the form. He congratulated me even though he didn’t make the best class.

Fourth grade. I called him Winnie the Pooh because he was tubby and short – compared to me – and sweet. He told the teacher I couldn’t see the whiteboard because of my bad eyesight and made sure to read it aloud to me instead.

Fifth grade. I made fun of the Disney Princess file he had, with its red rose background. I told him it was girly and he cried. I felt bad but I never said sorry. I wish I had.

Sixth grade. He asked me what my inspiration was for my highly imaginative essays that the teacher praised me for. I said you are I didn’t know.

***

Bae Joohyun concentrated on her reflection, her steady fingers carefully drawing a wing over her eyes.

Using eyeliner is an art in itself, she had heard in a makeup tutorial video once. One does not simply rush and draw a perfect line on their eyes.

Her friend’s head appeared at the doorway of her bedroom, glancing at the mountain of messy clothes strewn across the floor with a concerned look on her face. “It’s just a school reunion,” she said from outside the bathroom, “How long more are you going to take? I need to get some groceries for next week, you know.”

She rolled her eyes at her. “It’s not just some school reunion,” she muttered, looking at herself for the last time.

“Yeah well, you’ve been in your room since afternoon,” came the reply, “You look like you’re fussing over a date than a dinner with old friends.”

“Old friends I haven’t seen for nine years, Seulgi!” she cried, going to the dresser and snatching up her bag, before pausing in front of the full-length mirror again, scrutinizing the hastily-put-together ensemble of lace stockings, a black dress and a pair of ankle-high boots. She stepped back, attaching a black choker around her neck, mussed up her hair a bit, and gave herself an encouraging smile before going after her roommate out.

***

He told my brother he liked me, and my brother, of course, couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He babbled it to everyone in my family and I was the fool who had no idea of it all.

I was angry, though; I felt deceived by the person I called my best friend.

But I never let on that I knew. It would be awkward.

Six years of friendship, and the first thing I thought was, ‘Why me? What did I ever do that was ever worthy of his love?’

As I thought about it more, I became attached to the feeling.

Before I knew it, I fell for him back.

I wonder what would happen if he had never said anything at all.

Would I still have noticed all the small smiles he sent my way when I didn’t look?

Would I still have hung out with him after school and mistake it for something friends do?

Would I have been so oblivious about his stammering comments about my hair, or the essays I was always praised for?

Would I even like him back?

***

Joohyun stepped into the restaurant nervously, before being directed by the waitress to a bunch of tables pushed against each other to make a line, filled with a bunch of noisy, laughing adults, all in their twenties.

“It’s Joohyun!” someone said, bringing everyone’s attention to her as she appeared at the table. Almost immediately, everyone stood up and she walked around to each one, hugging, greeting enthusiastically, seeing the grown-up versions of her elementary school friends and graciously accepting their compliments on her beauty.

Until she reached the end of the table, where an empty seat was waiting for her.

Next to him.

Joohyun gasped despite herself; she had never confided in anyone about his crush on her, and she never once talked about it with any of her former classmates, so she was surprised fate had shocked her with the seating arrangement.

Her eyes inevitable fell on him as he smiled warmly at her.

“Joohyun,” he only said, opening his arms wide.

Her heart skipped a beat. “Jimin,” she breathed.

It’s only a friend-to-friend hug, she repeated to herself, walking over and letting her arms naturally entwine around him as his own momentarily held her. To everyone it was but a few seconds; to her it was an eternity of being surrounded by his overwhelming presence. She knew she was overthinking things and it wasn’t healthy to do that – along with the way she was staring at his handsome appearance – but she couldn’t help it.

He had changed so much. Gone was the softness and baby fat, revealing a longer, defined face, under a mop of black hair. He was taller than her too, but that was to be expected; the height difference made her feel strange even though she knew boys’ growth spurts were legendary.

While everyone began to settle back into their chairs, he went and pulled her chair back for her, the gesture making her blush. She slipped in, murmuring a thank you.

He gave a courteous smile in return, sitting next to her and resuming the conversation he was having with the person opposite him.

She swallowed down the rising feelings of nervousness – although a good kind – and she too became engrossed in another conversation as someone called for her attention.

But she could feel the buzzing tension between her chair and Park Jimin’s, even if she thought she was the only one feeling it.

***

I never really gave any thought about our ‘some’ relationship. Maybe it was because neither of us knew what we felt for each other, so there was no line to cross, no rejection to deal with, no pressure for us to take anything to a deeper, more intimate level.

We were twelve, for goodness’ sake. Even the way his gaze was on me – full of awe and wonder – already singed my insides and set me ablaze with a flattery I could not explain.

I was desirable. I, the too-dorky, too-nerdy, too-sarcastic-for-you girl, was actually attractive enough.

It was such a strange feeling to be liked.

***

Somebody had an idea to go to the karaoke bar, and that was where Joohyun found herself, standing in front, a microphone in her hand as she sang her voice out, half-yelling the lines as she made everyone double over and laugh.

She didn’t mind it; she was already tipsy from soju and so was everyone else.

When her time was over, they asked her to pick the next person to sing a song. Joohyun stared around the room, even though she already knew who she was going to pick.

Shoving the microphone at Jimin, she jerked her head to the screen. “You haven’t gone,” she told him.

“But I sound awful-“

She sank on the bench next to him, taking his hand and placing the microphone in it. “Give yourself a break, this isn’t some audition!” she protested, encouraging the rest to cheer for him.

“Go Jimin! Go Jimin! Go Jimin!”

He reached for his glass of soju, downing it and getting to his feet. “Fine, fine.”

Joohyun clapped her hands, cheering, and he glanced back at her with an amused twinkle in his eye as he went to pick a song, a slow number everyone ooohed at him for.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he murmured into the microphone, and she leaned forwards, checking to see what song he had picked.

Her eyes widened, and met his.

He was looking right back.

***

A group of students performed Westlife’s My Love on the last day of the last year of school. It was bittersweet, but I hadn’t treasured the moment of that last day of school; everyone was busy taking down numbers and embracing each other in farewell, and all I wanted was more pizza slices on my plate.

I liked the lyrics of the song, watching my friends sit amicably on the steps of the stage as they sang, the thought of separation never coming across my mind even as the lyrics did.

“So I say a little prayer,

Hope my dreams will take me there,

Where the skies are blue,

To see you once again, my love.”

He asked me whether I liked the song so much that I seemed to be hanging onto every word.

I said, sure, I’ve never seen him sing before. I said he sounded nice, and he smiled shyly.

***

Joohyun frowned when he finished the song, hearing nostalgic sighs from her other friends as they reminisced the last day of school together.

“Those were the days,” Taehyung said beside her, a lopsided grin on his lips, “Playing my Nintendo, watching anime, and putting thumb tacks on Mrs Han’s chair.”

She laughed. “You always got away with it, though.”

He beamed at her. “You remembered!”

Jimin sat on her other side. “Of course she did,” he said teasingly, “She helped you with it.”

They laughed, and Joohyun began to think that maybe, he had forgotten the crush from long ago. He didn’t seem to do anything out of the blue so far, and she hadn’t caught him looking, nor did she feel any kind of close proximity between them that wasn’t platonic.

Maybe he had already moved on.

Heck, maybe he even had a girlfriend.

She swallowed, feeling silly. That’s it, she was going to move on too.

***

“I’ve got a morning shift at the hospital tomorrow,” someone complained, “I’m going to look like a stuffed walrus.”

“Take medical leave,” someone else said, eliciting laughs.

Joohyun herself chuckled sleepily. “What’s the difference anyway,” she joked, “You’re a medicine dispenser. No one sees your face.”

They all laughed again.

She stood up, staggering as her world spun around her, and was about to fall face first onto the table had a pair of arms grabbed onto her.

She looked up to see Jimin.

“Your friend taking long?” he asked, gently easing her back onto the bench.

She nodded. “Seulgi’s sending some groceries to her mom, she’ll take a while.”

He asked her where she lived, and through her hazy thoughts she gave him the address.

He nodded. “I could call a cab,” he suggested, “Some of us live around that area. We could carpool.”

Joohyun chuckled softly. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” she murmured, and, before she could think about it, she placed her head on his shoulder, surrendering herself to what she hoped was a short nap.

***

I think, we all sort of never leave the thoughts about the first person we crush on.

It doesn’t have to be a first love.

It could be a fleeting feeling of infatuation on the senior in school, or a swarm of butterflies in your stomach at the sight of the cute neighbour down the street.

Or it could be the fuzzy feelings of your best friend, making you warm and flustered at the unexpected feelings.

The first time I fell in love, I fell hard. And I don’t think I ever recovered from it.

It was love, despite the unceremonious goodbye. It was love, in its childlike innocence, a moment of bliss where you yourself aren’t accustomed to the tidal wave of emotions springing out of nowhere.

With Park Jimin, I never noticed the lines we had crossed when we fell for each other, and you know what? I don’t mind it at all.

I don’t mind not pursuing what was left unfinished, even as I snore against his shirt in a taxi, one of his arm around me and his cheek against my hair, even as he pressed a soft ghost of a kiss on my fingers before gently shaking me awake, even as he waved from the taxi as I walked up the steps to my house.

He is everything I wished I had, and yet, everything I wish I hadn’t.

***

“Joohyun!”

The woman in question was in the kitchen, half her body under the sink in an effort to fix a leaking problem. “What is it?” she asked, her head momentarily appearing.

“There’s a delivery for you,” came Seulgi’s steadily approaching voice, before she entered the kitchen, “Ta-da!”

In her hands was a bouquet of flowers.

Seulgi gave her a smirk. “You said it was a reunion,” she teased, “Not a date.”

Joohyun stared at the bouquet, getting out and wiping her hands on the apron as she stood up, taking the flowers and looking at it in surprise. “It was,” she said slowly, inhaling the mild floral scent.

There was a card on it.

Lily, for innocence and beauty.

Baby’s Breath, for everlasting love.

Carnations, for admiration,

Sunflowers, for warmth and happiness.

Joohyun in a breath at the sight of a deep red rose in the middle of the bouquet.

Rose, for love and passion.

There was something at the bottom of the card, and she had to squint to make out the handwritten words.

To the mischievous girl who became a beautiful woman, thank you for forever lighting up my childhood with your wonderful company. You may not have known this, but I may have been in love with you and never once did I ever find a love that was as precious as the one you gave me. Even now. I couldn’t help fall for you over again, and I hope I don’t miss this opportunity.

-J

“He even left his number,” Seulgi said, grinning at her. “How do you explain this, Bae Joohyun?”

She blushed, her insides fluttering. “I…” she began, before looking up, “I need to make a call.”

She ran out of the kitchen, hearing Seulgi’s amused laughter echoing behind her as she raced upstairs, bouquet in hand, slamming her door shut as she pounced on her bed, a stupid grin on her face as her fingers nervously punching his number.

Three rings passed, and he picked up.

Joohyun held her breath. “Jimin?” she whispered.

Over at the other line, he paused, as if he was holding his breath as well.

“Joohyun.”

I have got to stop thinking about my past loves *laughs*

All these past events are based off my life. From the childhood recounts, to the thoughts that were recorded in italics, all of them were true. I don’t know how I was oblivious to the whole clichéd best-friend-falls-in-love-with-me trope, but I was.

Wholly aual, I never anticipated that he had feelings for me, and I feel like I liked him back because I sort of was in love with the idea of being loved, so I’m not really sure if it was him the person I fell in love, or him the fantasy, hence the title. I hope you liked it, and yeah, I know it’s been a long time since I updated, but while I’m brainstorming, this came up and I thought I would write it down.