Before Kim Jong-Kook fell asleep under the influence of anesthesia, he managed to think: "Everything will be fine, it's just a microdiscectomy."
Thanks to the doctors' opinions, he was convinced that after the procedure his life would return to normal. Without pain, gritting his teeth, and forcing a smile in front of cameras, he would feel - maybe not happy, but less unhappy. Although he knew that from the point of view of many other Koreans, he belonged to the group of lucky ones - he was recognizable, had support from his family, was physically strong, and talented - for years he felt a huge emptiness in his life and heart. Regardless of whether the woman he was metting was his acquaintance, friend, or girlfriend, he always felt that they never mutually gave each other the same amount of attention. There was always one side expecting more than the other had to offer, and this brought such painful disappointments.
Jong-Kook was aware that he was getting older. Although he liked children and didn't hide the fact that he would like to be a father someday, it wasn't really the main reason for him to settle down. Simply put, he wanted, just like some of his colleagues and friends, to find someone with whom he would know he could spend the rest of his life. Someone who, regardless of the passage of time, would bring a smile to his face and with whom he could enjoy the small, everyday things. Someone who would fascinate him with their existence and feel the same way towards him...
However, he realized how fleeting feelings could be. Even, it seemed, most of the greatest loves faded away in his entartainment circle in two years. Besides, could it really be called love? And if they were just infatuations, how rare is love and does he really have the right to dream about it?
Despite all this, most of his reflections ended with the statement: "I guess all these ballads burned a hole in my brain. I should be happy with what I have, not chase after something that may not even exist." Yes, Kim Jong Kook knew that happiness is a state of mind, and he knew that the absence of recurring pain would allow him to look at his surroundings more soberly.
"Everything will be fine, it's just a microdiscectomy."
When he opens his eyes, he sees a beach in front of him. He feels the burning sun on his skin, the salty taste of the air, and the overwhelming negative emotions. At that moment, he realizes it is a dream, and although he doesn't understand why he feels angry, this feeling doesn't diminish.
As he walks, something like memories begin to return to him. Simultaneously, the operating room and the last years of his life begin to fade from the memory.
He wants to be alone. Away from his friends, parents, basically from everyone and everything. He cared so much about this audition, but he just messed it up. In fact, they all messed it up. As the juror stated: "There are many other equally talented people like you, the question is, do you have something more to offer than them?". Apparently, they didn't, even though they practiced tirelessly. During breaks, after school, on weekends. Jong-Myeong, his blood-relative hyeong, even joked that if Jong Kook devoted half of that time to studying, he could become a doctor in the future ("And we would start a company together" - he added with a laugh, irritating his younger brother).
"So what, hyeong, that you'll become a doctor? It's your business, I want to be an artist" he grumbles under his breath, angrily kicking the sand. "And I'll be one, even if I have to spend the rest of my life alone!"
And so what if eomma managed to persuade abeoji to go on a trip to the sea (jagiya, we all deserve a little rest)? What kind of trip is it when they actually meet some distant relatives and old acquaintances of their parents here? Literally, as if everyone conspired and deliberately gathered in this one place and here, exactly when the teenage boy really needed solitude! If he knew it would be like this, he would insist on staying home and barricading himself in it.
"Not good" he mutters through clenched teeth, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. He needs something to help him push away this sadness.
It was then that he hears behind him the clumsily scattered sand during the run and someone's wheezing, thin voice:
"Cookie-hyeong-oppa!"
He recognizes that distinct American accent. He turns around and sees a small, maybe seven-year-old child in front of him. However, he (somehow) can not see her face. She is a little girl with short ponytails sticking out over her small ears.
"You little Dim-sum, how many times have I told you that girls say oppa, not hyeong?"
The little girl stomps her foot and called out:
"If I'm supposed to be Dim-sum, then Cookie-oppa is hyeong-oppa."
After a moment, she calms down and asks:
"Hyeong-oppa, is something wrong?"
"No. I just want to be alone." Although he still feels angry, he knows it decreases.
"Cookie-hyeong-oppa..."
"Hmmm?"
"Grandpa (she said it in english) recently explained to me the difference between being alone and being lonely. I remember it recently, and when I saw you, hyeong-oppa, when you arrived, it seemed to me that you felt lonely. And now I don't understand it anymore: is alone and lonely have the same meaning in Korea?"
Really, he wants to be mean to her, as he did two days earlier. Scares her or just chases her away. He doesn't know himself why, he leans over her and says with a smile on his face:
"Okay, Dim-sum, you've won. I think I don't have to be alone anymore. But in return, practice English with me, okay?"
"Okay! And... can I stop being Dim-sum?"
"On one condition: you stop calling me hyeong-oppa".
"Okay, Cookie-oppa. Can you call me by my name?
"Yes,..."
When he opens his eyes, his wonderful eomeoni stays by his bedside with tears in her eyes.
"Adeul, nae aiI, you're awake! You'll see, everything will quickly return to normal."
After a moment, she squeezed his hand, saying:
"The doctor asked you not to eat or drink anything for now. I'll call him in, and he'll explain everything to you in detail."
As Jong-Kook is waiting for the doctor, he tries to organize his thoughts. He doesn't know what to think about this dream. It feels strangely familiar, as if it had already happened, but he really can't remember these events. He estimates that he could have been eighteen or nineteen in his dream so it would be impossible for him to forget such an event at that age. A trip to the seaside after a failed casting? Impossible! But no, he won't ask his mom about it. She had been through enough lately. Maybe he will call Jong-Myeong-hyeong instead. He knows himself that these thoughts don't going to leave him alone.
"Hello, hyeong!"
"What's up, dongsaeng? Sorry I didn't come to you, but my shift at the clinic has been extended, and I haven't left yet. How are you feeling?"
"The meds are still working, so I'm gathering strength before rehab. But let's change the subject because I have a question for you. The answer shouldn't take much of your time."
"No problem, go ahead and ask!"
Kim Jong Kook takes a breath through his nose and asks without hesitation:
"When I was in high school and you were in college, did we go with our parents during the summer break to the seaside, where we also met their friends and our distant family?"
There is silence on the other end of the line. Jong Kook begins to nervously tap his finger on the table. He wants to understand. He feels like he needs it.
"No, I don't remember" he hear after a minute or so.
Did he imagine it, or did his hyeong voice slightly change?
"I'm sorry, my throat got dry." Jong-Myeong explains, "Why do you ask?"
"I had a strange feeling... never mind."
"You can always check the family albums."
"Actually, that's a good idea!" Kim Jong Kook brightens up at the thought, "Thanks, hyung, and see you soon."
"Take care of yourself! I'll call you soon. Don't forget to say hello to our parents."
The caller breaths a sigh of relief. Everything wil be explained really quickly. He doesn't know why he is so concerned about this dream. Maybe because it was a result of the operation? Or maybe because repeating in his mind: "Cookie hyung-oppa" make him feel strangely calm? Almost like some kind of enchanting. And how does he know it was "Cookie" and not "Kookie"?
He accepts it. There is no photos from that mythical place. It was just a dream. Now what he has to do is: first - recovery and second - developing his career, including one of the newest projects: "Running Man." He has to admit that the show is looking very promising... Perhaps, if the viewers likes it, it is going to become a stable source of income for its participants? Yes, after so many years in show business, Jong-Kook man definitely dreams of stability.
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