Fin.

We were both children when,
So full of innocence,
We used to play our games in flowery fields

“Ya, Ji Hansol! You’re walking too fast!” I panted as I try to keep up with an 11-year-old Hansol. We’re racing up to the hill and damn, even though we’re both children, he packed a lot of energy and strength to those legs.

He turned around and made a show of running with his back facing the top of the hill, a relaxed smile carefully painted on his lips. No words came out from his mouth as he watched me trudge up and chase him.

Arriving on top of the hill, both of us were greeted by a wide expanse of grassy field, inviting us to its warm and welcoming embrace. Cool breeze howls around the hill, enveloping the whole surroundings with a calming echo. Hansol’s quiet voice hummed like a soft whisper as we lay upon the grass and stare at the blue sky. “You lost. Again. That’s the fifth time this week, Yoohee. You need to exercise more.” He said, a chuckle following after that.

“It’s not my fault my genes included short legs, you moron.” I fumed and shot him a death glare only to find him looking up to the clouds. His sharp eyes gliding across the white poofy clouds along the clear sky.

I was a bit bummed when he didn’t answer my rebuttal but then, who wouldn’t want to stay quiet in a place like this? It’s so peaceful, so full of serenity. I tried to brush off the fact that he just completely ignored me and commented on how fast he got to the top. “And how can I compete with your athletic built? One stride of yours and I need to run to catch up.”

He gave me a good hearted laugh. It’s a clear, crisp laugh, the sound lingering for a few minutes. “Fine, fine. It’s my fault. I can’t let you get mad at me.” He turned to face me, an amused smile brightening up his face. He reached to my nose and poked it ever so lightly. “I am sorry, Yoohee ah.”

I was stuck even after he withdrew his hand and goes back to looking up at the sky. His smile is just so… Comforting. It swept the fatigue away that I had and now it was replaced by the thundering of my heartbeat.

Placing my hand over my chest, I gulped and closed my eyes to calm me down. What is happening with me? I asked mentally. Why is my heart racing so hard whenever I am with him? For the first time in the four years of our friendship that my heart palpitated… Butterflies started soaring at the pit of my stomach and I always caught myself staring at him when he smiles…

There’s no denying it, then.

“I-I-I-I like you…” A faint mumble that’s almost inaudible escaped my lips while looking at him, his eyes closed and both of his hands behind his head. I put my palm over my mouth, praying to every deity to save me from the sudden confession I did.

Deep inside, I am praying that he did heard me and then realization would hit him that all this time as well, he had taken a liking in me, too.

It's too good to be true and those kind of crap happen only in movies.

Instead of the whole I-Like-You-Too-Let’s-Be-Together-Then expectation, a small yawn interrupted my train of thought as Hansol opened his eyes and blinked at me, his wide eyes fixed on me. “W-were you saying something, Yoohee? I fell asleep for a moment. I am sorry again.” He apologized and stretched his long limbs before sitting up.

Oh, Hansol ah. How stupid and apathetic can you be sometimes. I thought with a laugh. I can’t help but feel rejected of his reaction to my unplanned revelation so plastering a fake smile on my lips, I shook my head and pointed at a cloud that resembles a heart. “I was talking about how that cloud looks like a heart.”

And how that heart represents my feelings for you, Ji Hansol.

You're the one who could see,
The good inside of me,

And I knew then that I had something real

“Nothing can change their mind, Hansol, so stop trying to cheer me up, please!” I screamed as tears started to fall from my eyes. Pain excruciated through my chest and crushes me from the within. I hugged my knees closer to my face and wailed, the classroom filled with my desperate and lonely sobs.

How can they think that I was the one who ratted them out of cheating during our qualifying exams last school year? Is that how lowly they think of me just because I have no friends or anyone to be with at school? How foolish is that? I never would have said anything to anyone for all I care! And now they are accusing me of something I didn’t do?

Oh, God. Why must I get through this…? That’s the only thing that’s running in my mind as I replay how cold and harsh their words were. Words that if they were knives, I would be bathing on my own pool of blood, multiple sharp ends impaling on my sorry body.

“Yoohee…” Hansol’s voice sounded troubled. He knelt down and placed a hand on my head as I brawl my eyes out. “Please stop crying. Please…” He pleaded with the same exact calming voice.

I looked up at him and his face has no readable expression on it, making me more self-conscious. His eyes bore holes on my own as if asking for some sort of clarification on why on earth am I crying.

That look only made me feel worse and more isolated than ever.

I busted out of my weeping trance and shouted at all my might to my bestfriend, ignoring his shocked face. “And what is it to you if I cry? That rumour has been around for almost a year. A year, Hansol! Can you understand how hard it is to go around this hellhole with their eyes piercing along your back and talking nasty and filthy things about you? The answer is no, Hansol. Because all this time, you knew! You knew and you never told me…” I broke into another sob, the weight of the pain only getting heavier because the guy I love and I thought who can protect me stayed silent, letting these people throw false accusations at me. “I’ll be leaving high school with no good memories during my senior year just because of a goddamned rumour and I don’t know… I don’t-”

Hansol’s arms pulled me in a tight hug, causing me to momentarily stop crying. His hug is full of security that he would protect me. I found my own hands clinging on the cloth of his uniform, balling my fists and transferring all of my disappointment and fear. I started to hit his chest, the impact ringing through the empty classroom.

“A-a-am I a bad person…? Why did I do to deserve this? And why didn’t you tell me, huh? S-s-so you can laugh at me as well when I pass down the hallway?” Slurred sentences flowed out of my mouth, sobs and sniffles followed in time of my hits on his chest.

Hansol’s hug tightened around my shaking frame before he started talking. “You listen to me, Han Yoohee.” I was surprised when he said that in a firm voice as if stating a hard truth. He sounded so sure of what he’s saying, making me entranced in every word that comes out of his mouth. “You’re not a bad person, okay? You are a great girl, you make people smile and you’re so smart. You’re the biggest gift this school will ever have and people are just too damn envious of all the recognition you’re getting. You shouldn’t bat an eye to those who are being mean to you. You know why? Because if you stoop to their level, that will only prove their accusation. That would give them the satisfaction that whatever they’re doing, it’s taking a toll on you. Then they win in bringing you down. I never believed any of their statement about you. You know me for a long time, Yoohee. And I know you.” He took in a sharp intake of breath and pulled away, cupping my face with both of his hands. His thumbs started to wipe away my tears, tucking in the loose hair strands behind my ear.

“Look at me, Yoohee ah.” His voice is steady and calm, like the ocean in a sunny day.

I look at him, letting his wide eyes stare back at me.

“The reason I never told you is because I know you’re strong. I know you can get pass through all of these. You have gone so far, Yoohee. And this thing? It’s nothing but a shrug off of your shoulder. It sounds selfish that I chose not to tell you about it. But the fact that you’re taking all of these blows on you without so much of a thought makes me think you’re stronger than I have expected you to be. You are near the ending of this, Yoohee. And I am here to tell you that you have done a wonderful job. You would be doing much more wondrous things in the future. So don’t cry, Yoohee… Please… It breaks my heart that the woman that is my bestfriend is so broken in front of me, sobbing her eyes out…” He smiled gently and leaned in close, placing a feathery touch of his lips to my forehead. He then rested his chin on top of my head, humming a soft tune under his breath. I realized it’s the song Winter Child.

Butterflies are creating in havoc in my stomach. My heartbeat roaring again.

I pulled Hansol closer and felt a lone tear fall off of my eye.

And it’s not because I am hurt anymore.

“Yes. I have done a wonderful job.” I smiled.

For years my feelings grew,
But I was losing you,
The only happiness I'd ever known

Graduation day. Finally. After three years, I am going out there and search for my calling.

I stood at the podium to give my valedictorian speech. A sea of people is in front of me, waiting for words to materialize in the hot and big gymnasium. I have a piece of folded paper with a few points to guide me what to say but I shrugged my shoulder with a chuckle and crumpled it in front of them and put it inside my pocket.

My eyes then searched for him. I saw him with his graduation toga same as mine. His face is still as placid as it always was but when our eyes meet, a wide boyish grin appeared, sending the loud, defeaning beats of my heart through my ears.

I smiled widely and held the microphone. I stepped off of the podium and walk towards the center of the stage. “I’ll make this short because I know all of us are hungry and tired after the 3-hour program.” A collective chuckle erupted among the audience and soon dies. “A new beginning is out there that are up for grabs. The future scares most of us, doesn’t it? I know it scares me but it’s a good kind of scary. It makes sense, right?” I paused for a while as I see some of them agree with what I am saying while others are a bit confused. “I know it’s been tough for all of us. The three years we stayed here is not a thing to be taken lightly. But you know what’s more exciting? We can leave these all behind and start over, getting all the good memories and discarding the bitter ones, burying it deep in our hearts. ‘Lessons learned, we got burned’ as they say. Some of us will go work while some will pursue a career in universities and colleges. What I am saying is that it’s all ours to take. Take it and make it yours because we are all destined to be something great in the future. Don’t live this life as if you’re walking on glass, afraid to be judged and afraid to commit mistakes. Mishaps and delays are okay but giving up is not an option. Remember that it’s okay to rest but don’t ever give up something you can’t live a day without. Thank you and congratulations to us!”

I took off my graduation cap and throw it upwards to the sky. My co-graduates did the same, a roar of triumph emitting all across the gymnasium.

Locking eyes again with Hansol as he clapped with the audience, I feel confident and stronger. “Congratulations” he mouthed and gave me a thumbs up.

I smiled and nodded because I know I will be doing a wonderful job.

Another came along,
And slowly won your heart,
I cared enough for you to let you go

Tapping the tip of my pen on the table, I looked outside for the nth time. I am supposed to meet Hansol for our project in Guidance and Counseling but even his shadow is nowhere to be seen. I have been in this coffee shop near our dorm for nearly two hours now.

“Damn it, Ji Hansol. I know you’re always late but this is too much. Ugh.” I mumbled to myself and peered at our almost finished work. I did’t want to finish it because he would be mad at me taking the load all by myself again and him not helping.

I was scribbling away the principles of the Psycho-Analytic therapy when the bell of the coffee shop’s door pinged, signaling that a new customer is in. I didn’t bother to see who it was since I am certain most certain that Hansol will not come.

The chair in front of me moved and Hansol sits down, his whole face pinkish from the heat outside. “Yoohee ah- Hah… Whew. I am so sorry I am late. I know, I know. Just, let me breathe-” His quiet voice apologized and I look up at him. He is catching his breath and he had donned a good looking buttoned up shirt. He is wiping the sweat off of his forehead with a handkerchief, his eyes landed on the scattered school papers on the table and two empty cups of coffee near it. “Y-you… You did it again, didn’t you?” He groaned in frustration and slumps on the chair. “Ya, Han Yohee~! I told you so many times that you should not take all of these responsibilities on your own. There’s a reason we are project partners! What am I supposed to do now?”

I felt my eye twitched at his statement and I drop my pen on top of my module, facing him with a grim expression. “Excuse me, Mr. Ji. If it wasn’t for me doing almost all the work here, we won’t have anything at all to pass to Mr. Gong next Thursday which is two days from now.” I crossed my arms and blew a stray strand of hair out of my face. “Where in Merlin’s beard have you been? You could have texted me, you know? Why do you even have that phone with you if you’re not using it?”

His face scrunched at my scolding and he sits upright, leaning a bit near to me. “If I told you I had a spur-of-the-moment date with Chaejin, would you let me go and leave you here alone?”

I froze on the spot, my lower teeth clamped hard on my upper lip to stop me from retorting something bad.

Min Chaejin is a 3^rd year Communication Arts student in our university. She is a transferee from North Korea and from what I have heard, she’s a corporal or a captain’s daughter in the North Korean army that’s why she was able to attend school in Seoul. Chaejin is an irregular student so she usually has a lot of free time. And yes, she spends all or most of her free time in the library. She studies like the smart student that she is, of course.

We met her when we needed a table in the library and all booths are full except for hers. She let us sit with her and from then on, Hansol won’t shut up about her.

This semester, Chaejin is taking General Psychology with us 1^st year Psychology students.

After seven years of having these deep seated feelings I have for my bestfriend, this is by far the hardest test I have encountered. I swallowed every painful words he said regarding how beautiful, sweet, adorable, caring and smart Chaejin is. I always manage to put on a fake smile so true to hide my slowly breaking heart as he tells me all the little moments he has with her. “She said thank you after I taught her the different types of defense mechanisms.” “Have you seen her smile, Yoohee? Angels would be very jealous of her!” “Freud, Pearls, Jung, Adler, Horney, Costa, McRae. She memorized the notes I gave her! Ahhhh~ Yoohee ah! I am so happy she is reviewing.” I made up some excuses to avoid being with him because I know he will not stop talking about his precious Chaejin for hours on end.

What really bothers me is this: Hansol has never been so happy like this before because of a girl. Ever. You might think I am joking but I am dead serious. For almost all our lives including elementary and high school, I have seen many people confess to him and not even one of those girls caught his attention. He says he is really not into any relationships and he’s trying to get good grades in order for him to be qualified to take Psychology as his major in college. From the popular girls to the lowly nobodies of our school, not one of them passed Ji Hansol’s standards. “There’s nothing interesting about them,” he would always reason out.

Chaejin is the exception to them all.

I have never seen him humming happily as we do a load of home works and papers. Hansol’s usually very stingy but now, he buys me food for lunch and dinner. I once caught him playing his guitar again which he quitted using in our sophomore year. He smiles more, too. He is not the uptight, studious boy I grew up with anymore.

And now this? A date? Dating was never a thing for him! And I have always thought Chaejin doesn’t like him the way he likes her since they just talk about school related stuff….

Well, I thought wrong. A hundred percent, undeniably wrong.

Tears are in danger of showing up and I gripped my arms tighter, holding it back. I gulped the anger rising in me back to the pit of my stomach and smiled at him. When I finally found my voice, I asked him casually and ignoring the pounding of my heart. “H-how was it? T-the date?”

I was rewarded by a wide smile and he starts to tell me the gist of how his date went. He saw her alone in a park on the way to the coffee shop. She’s sketching a piece for her Humanities class on a park bench and he just asked her if she wants to go and eat a meal with him. She said yes and they went to eat in a restaurant nearby. They talked a lot about school and their childhood, his eyes twinkling under the dim lights inside the shop. He looks radiant just as he always does when he talks about something he really loves.

Oh, how I envy Min Chaejin. I said in my mind.

“I almost messed it up, though.” He sighed and puffed his cheeks, tapping his fingers on his lap.

“How could you possibly mess this up? It sounds like a fairy tale to me!” I said in feigned interested covering up my aching voice.

“W-well… We were laughing at some lame joke I said and, ugh, Yoohee. She’s just so beautiful when she laughs. Then I blurted out all of a sudden ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ Oh, man. She gave me the cutest startled face ever and she blushed. She effin blushed in front of me, Yoohee! You should have seen her. And when I asked her again, seriously this time, she covered her face with her hands and said ‘I would love to be your girlfriend.’ Yoohee, the girl I love loves me too!” He whooped and takes both of my hands, squeezing it in excitement. “Ah, Yoohee! You don’t know how happy I am! And because of that, I’ll be finishing our project and treating you to dinner tonight!” His smile got wider and let go of my hands, my skin already missing the warmth of his.

I remained smiling despite of how devastated I am.

The guy I love finally found the arms of the woman who can make him happy.

Remember when I said I will be doing a wonderful job?

I have done it, right? I did a wonderful job in keeping the man I love happy even if it means I am not the one giving him his happiness.

A thousand times the words just died right on my lips,
Regret came over me with its swift and stinging kiss

“Ah, Ji Hansol. I never would have expected you to be a one-woman man. And look, here we are! At the age of 27, you’re married to the most beautiful woman of your life! I wish you happiness and lots of kids. You get ‘em, okay? And don’t look at me like that, you moron. I know you want to.” I finished my small speech and raise my wine glass, proposing a toast. “To my best friend, my brother from another mother. I am so happy for you. Congratulations!” I smiled and tipped the contents of my glass inside my mouth, the cold concoction soothing my tired throat.

My eyes locked with Hansol at his table, his wife next to him and talking with her in-laws. He mouthed “Thank you” and gave me a thumbs up.

A wave of nostalgia rushed over me as I take my seat, remembering the day we graduated high school. I give him a thumbs up in return too.

Stupid Han Yoohee, right? Keeping her feelings bottled up and now here she is, watching the man of his dreams married to the woman she wished to be.

The atmosphere around the reception is festive but I am not feeling too festive myself. I can hold the thick air in my hands. I stared down at my barely touched food, poking the vegetables on my plate.

I was prepared to slap Hansol’s face and say the famous “I knew that she wasn’t really who we think she is” line about Min Chaejin. And I was prepared to hate her as well.

Sometimes, God is really funny. Why?

Because I can’t bring myself to hate Min Chaejin.

I can’t see anything bad about her. I am not saying she’s perfect but she is just a really good hearted person. She is kind, she always smiles, she is very gentle but she knows where to stand up for herself when she needed to. And knowing that I am Hansol’s best friend, I thought she’ll try to buy my trust using her skeevy ways. But she didn’t. She didn’t even try to coax out information about Hansol from me. She is just like an older sister to me in a way. And Hansol could never been happier when I told him I approve of Chaejin.

And with that, I accepted the fact that they’re the best for each other. They complement each other perfectly that even people who are not that close to them shower them praises.

I sighed and watched the both of them as they stand up for their first dance as a married couple.

Smiling at the sight, I told myself I deserve to rest after the day long play of pretending I am a 100% happy of his marriage. I took the last swig of my wine and grabbed my purse, standing up and glancing at them dancing without a care in the world. The most important thing now is that they’re in each other’s arms.

I made my way out of the reception, my heel clattering along the marble flooring.

Maybe in this world, I will never have him.

But nevertheless, he would always be my always in this world full of never.

I used to love you from afar,
As we all decided who we are,
You were never mine to have,
Still I loved you to the last,
Because you were my, you are my always.