I shivered as I felt cold air passed through. I covered myself with my coat but I still feel cold. 

I practiced so hard that I didn’t even notice that it was already 3 a.m. My body ached from too much dancing just so that I could forget everything she said but it was of no use. I was messed up with my own feelings that I danced while crying. I couldn’t stop and the reflection that I could see in front of the mirror was blurry. I could hear how loud I cried even though I was playing the songs.

My eyes are puffy and red from crying and I know that they’ve noticed it too but didn’t ask anything which I am thankful about. I also noticed Yongsun unnie looking at me as if she has something to say but I’ve ignored her.

It pains me when she said that she has someone she loves but it also pains me when I ignore me. I just want to wrap my arms around her but I just can’t do it because it is not my place. I can’t because I don’t deserve her. I can’t because this is my punishment for being greedy.

We went inside the car but everyone was silent. I could even see how tense everyone is and it’s my fault. I let out a shaky breath and told Hyemin unnie to turn on some music.

“O-oh? Ah, s-sure,” she said.

I closed my eyes as I felt myself getting dizzy. I asked Hyemin unnie for medicine and water and she immediately obliged while she looked at me worried.

“Unnie, are you okay?” Hyejin asked as she heard me asking for medicine. Wheein also looked at me while I couldn’t see Yongsun Unnie since she is behind me.

I made them worry again.

“Yeah.” I smiled “ Just got a headache. Nothing to worry about.” I said but the worried look never left their face.

I slept all throughout the ride while the heavy rain is pouring.

After an hour and a half, we arrived at our destination. We were welcomed by a lot of people, screaming and cheering for us. 

I smiled at the thought that even if it was raining, they still came to cheer and watch us perform. I couldn’t be more grateful to our fans and to the people who want to listen to us. 

Thankfully, the rain mellowed down a bit as we were about to perform.

We went on stage as the emcee called us. We greeted the audience as usual but instead of looking next to her, I just stared at the microphone she was holding. 

I couldn’t bear to look at her eyes without shedding a tear.

I know that I should separate my personal feelings when we are performing but when it comes to Yongsun, everything just becomes useless. She makes me crazy and at the same time, sane.

In the middle of the performance, I felt myself getting light headed. I closed my eyes for a bit but when I opened them, everything was getting blurry. 

I staggered but thankfully I was able to put my arm around Yongsun Unnie’s shoulder. She stiffened at the contact and also she gave me a confused but also surprised look because she wasn’t expecting me to do that. I felt collapsing but I could not, not in front of everyone.

After Wheein’s part, I continued. 

[[ Cash money
   nado chungbunhi beoreo 
   (Go! Girl Crush) 

  naneun an hae mildang nae gamjeonge soljikhaji
  dareun yeojadeurui gomingwaneun jom dalla
  I’m freakin’ naughty girl
  namdeul siseon uisik an hae 
 cause I love myself 
  jogeum oeroumyeon eottae nae saenggagen
  machi neon aejeonggyeolpipgata ]]

After performing, we went backstage while I was still holding onto her shoulder. She looked at me and bit her lip. 

“Byul-ah, are you okay?” she asked me gently like nothing happened yesterday.

Ah, Unnie. How could you still be nice even when I left you alone yesterday? 

I loosened my hold to her and collapsed. The last thing that I could see was Yongsun Unnie’s  desperate face while she was shouting for help after that darkness consumed me.

I woke up groggily and yawned, my body feeling light and well rested. I stretched my arms when I felt something- no someone beside me. I looked beside me and saw the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I am amazed at how lucky I am to witness someone so beautiful that there is not even a word that could do justice to her beauty.

Oh, this dream again.

Well, I should at least savor it as long as it last.

I grazed my knuckles on her fluffy cheeks and gazed at her lovingly. I traced her eyebrows then to her cute nose and finally to her cherry lips. I my lips and stopped myself before I could not control myself. 

I’ve been doing this since forever but why does it feel different today?

I kissed her nose and chuckled when she scrunched her nose and then she stirred up. She opened her eyes lazily and smiled at me.

I smiled back as I stared at her.

I could only do this in this dream.

I leaned closer and kissed her cheek and nuzzled her neck. She kissed my hair and put her hands around my waist.

“Are you still angry at me?” she asked her voice husky.

I shook my head as an answer. “No, I’m angry at myself.”

She sat up and slapped my arm. “You worried us, Byul-ah!” she scolded then after a moment her voice became sad and quiet. “It was because of me, right?”

I sat up and held her hand. “Well, partly but mostly it is because of me,” I confessed.

I could only do this in my dream so at least, let me confess everything here.

I cupped her face and stared at her. “You see, you make a mess of me Yongsun,” I said and the look on her face was priceless that I almost laughed. 

“You make me feel things that I haven’t felt before. You make me happy and at the same time, you make me be frustrated with myself. You are my sun that shines my damn whole world, without you I feel so empty.”

She was about to say something when I stopped her.

 “That night, when you said you love someone, my world just turned upside down. I was angry with myself because I thought that I already accepted it but then I was being greedy. I couldn’t let you go. It pained me when I have to leave you alone but I don’t want to see me cry. I don’t want you to know how I feel towards you. I only want you to see me happy because you have finally someone to love but-“ I said as tears came flowing down as I confessed everything I have been bottling inside.

She also started crying, as if mirroring me. “Byul-ah…” she said on her most tender voice but I stopped her when I leaned on her and kissed her lips.

“I love you, Kim Yongsun. I love you.” I said as if I was saying my goodbye and closed my eyes waiting for reality to kick in.

I woke up then I saw Yongsun Unnie beside me. She cried while slapping my arms with her hands. She punched me softly on my chest and hugged me, nuzzling her head on my neck.

“W-what is this?” I said dumbfounded on what just happened.

This is not how it goes. Normally, I would just wake up and be angry with myself so why am I still here? Wait- am I still dreaming?

I pinched myself and only gained a hiss from myself.

“How could this be so real?” I said to myself.

She looked at me and said, “ Of course, this is real! How could you just say that after confessing something like that to me?!” 

“W-what?” my mouth open and all of a sudden, my heart started racing so fast. My breath heavy and my head getting lighter.

“Damn you, Byul yi! How could you say something like that?! Are you trying to kill me from heart attack?!” she shouted her hands over her chest. Her face red as a tomato and pouting.

“W-what?” All of a sudden, it feels like I couldn’t breathe.

“Why are you so shocked? It should be me reacting like that!” 

“W-what?”

This is all just a dream, right?

She stared at me as if reading my mind. “No, this is not a dream.”

I don’t know if it is possible but the entire universe could enter my mouth on how long it dropped. Then all of a sudden, she cupped my face, her hot breath tickling my face on how close we were from each other.

“Damn you, Byul yi! Trying to make me dead as if you just existing is not enough!” she said as she stared at the deepest of my soul. 

“Byul, you are my other half. I feel incomplete without you. I feel so lost when you are not beside me. You- you are everything to me. You are my moon and star, guiding me in the dark. You are my Byulkong.” 

I could only stare at her and something inside me stirred. 

“That night, I was supposed to say everything about my feelings for you. I- I just couldn’t stop it. I have to let it out or else I would go crazy. Your smile, your laugh, your witty remarks, your childishness. I love everything about you, Moon Byul Yi. Even though I know that you would hate me I still thought that it would be better if you knew. I risked my relationship to you but I couldn’t contain my love for you.” 

“I love you, Moon Byul Yi.” And she leaned closer and kissed me.