Doormat

Daehyun/Youngjae, Daehyun POV

Saturday night, and I'm here sobbing my eyes out on the streets. The footsteps pass me by and I'm drawing stares, but still, I'm crying my lungs out like a pathetic, lost child. I don't know how many times I've done this, but clearly, it hasn't been enough since you're not picking up the phone. Or do you know I'm here sobbing, so you don't want to answer?

Why? Does it frustrate you? Is it disgusting to know you've reduced a grown man to a bawling mess by the side of the road? I thought you loved it the first time you made me cry. The warped way you stared at me with those eyes I've always adored so much should have set off some alarm bells, but I was too enraptured by every ing thing you were made of. From how you were a few centimetres shorter to the way you blinked slow whenever you watched the TV, nose crinkling.

I know, a guy as pretty as you can haul anyone off the streets, right? That's why you had Himchan over last month, and I didn't breathe a word about it. Do you think I'm a ing idiot, Youngjae? I know you slept with him.

Why? Did he you harder than me? Is it because he's older---and I can't compete, because God cursed me to be born just a year earlier than you? Or is it because you can't keep your legs closed and my face's just too boring for you?

A long time ago, I still remember how excited you were whenever I showed up at your doorstep. You'd squeal and cling on to me, eyes shimmering with such a beauty that I've never gotten sick of. Even now, as much as I want to laugh at how disgusting you are, I'm here pitifully by a lamppost, punching in your number again and again while my tears stream down my cheeks.

Is it fun? It must be, the first time you played with me. You left me clueless as I tried to call you again and again, wondering where the hell you were, leaving me waiting for you for three hours straight. You finally called back and said you weren't feeling well so you missed our date.

Then why did Jongup see you at Hongdae with a "friend"?

I shouldn't have asked, I remember thinking as I cried with your text message open on my phone. Why'd I have to open my big mouth and ask you about Hyunbin? You sighed over the phone and said I was too suffocating. You said you were visiting a doctor at Hongdae--right, a district so famous for clubs and love motels--and your dearest friend Hyunbin was just accompanying you.

And just because I asked you about him, you suggested we should take a break. You said it felt like my friends were security cameras and I was watching your every move. funny, because I've been completely blind when it comes to you, Youngjae. 

With those words, I was left staring at my phone at work, completely flabbergasted. I ran out of the office and called you again and again, only to stop when I worried I was being too "suffocating". You threw me into a ing frenzy and I was there begging for you to pick up, apologising to you through so many text messages for a ing mistake that was just a question. Right, nevermind that you once yelled at me when you saw Hyosung texting me. For you, it's just a whole new ball game, isn't it? With rules that you never need to play by.

The saddest thing is that I would have dropped to my knees for you, so I'd be forgiven. I don't know when I started exchanging all my self-love for you, but I guess this is the kind of guys you date, right? You play with guys like me who think they're too average for you, and certainly, we are. That's why it's so easy. You keep us wrapped around your finger while you go out and get ed by any guy that suits you for the night. 

A long time ago, I'd flush whenever I saw you with my friend. Imagine how ing stupid I was to have thought you were innocent. You and your doe eyes, how your plump lips purse and how you look so small beside Junhong. I compared you to daisies and it felt like the thoughts of you couldn't stop blooming in my ribcage. I couldn't breathe around you and everytime you spoke, I'd melt into a smile like I'd heard ing sunshine spill from your lips.

I'm so ing stupid, aren't I? You must have been laughing so hard to see a guy so whipped for you. No, it wouldn't be as amusing, considering you draw in so many guys on a daily basis. 

I really wonder when I started thinking I deserve to be treated like this. That to keep you, to have you be with me, I had to give up all semblance of being an actual human being. You treat me like absolute , Youngjae, and I'm crazy for never saying it straight to your face. Blowing me off on dates fifteen minutes before, missing our ing anniversaries, telling me you're too tired to meet me when you're off clubbing with a friend---I'm laughing so hard now, Youngjae. I'm sorry for laughing so late; I should have joined you when you laughed at how I hastily missed my meeting so I could see you for lunch. All because you were too ing lazy to leave the area you were at, so I had to rush over just to see you for that one hour. You know why I did that? Because I ing missed you like the I was, because I was lovesick and it hurt that I hadn't seen you in two weeks.

When I arrived, you had the audacity to laugh in my face and ask if I loved you that much. Yeah, I did, Youngjae. I really did.

I lean back and my head bumps against the lamppost, light falling down over my crouched form. I'm laughing to myself like I've lost my mind as the tears keep rolling down my cheeks. I loved you, and I still do. It's so unfortunate, isn't it? That I got caught in your web. That it's so ridiculous to me but as I'm thinking this, I'm still pressing the call button over and over again, begging you to give me one chance. I don't even know what I'm begging you to forgive me for.

Why? Are you going to call me "suffocating" again? That I'm too attached? Sometimes, I wonder if it's my fault. Maybe it's true, I am too clingy---if you consider being a normal boyfriend clingy. I'm here begging you to answer my calls because it's been a month and you said we should take a break. So why the did my friend see you kissing a guy in broad daylight? And before you lie, he took a photo, so I wonder what kind of excuse you can come up with.

Knowing you, you'd definitely find a way to twist it to make it my fault. And then I'd have to get on my knees and apologise just so I'd be able to see your pretty face beside me tomorrow night. Just so I can wake up to you curled in the sheets and think delusionally to myself, oh, how worth it is it to keep in all my complaints just so I can be with you. You think I'm a saint to not get pissed when you ditch me and when you post intimate photos of you with other men? No, you know I'm frustrated. But what can I do when I'm so in love with you, right? To you, I'm nothing but your doormat. To me, you're my home, you're what makes my heart pound, you're the air that I breathe.

A break. Ha, it's honestly so hilarious. Hey, you should get the words right, shouldn't you? If you wanted a break-up, you should have asked. I'm not that crazy to cling to your feet and beg for you to stay with me. I'm already tired of offering to fix things when nothing's broken---except for you, that is.

You say I'm holding you down, so I give you freedom. I've never been that kind of boyfriend to stop you from going out or ask where you're going, especially since you hate it so much. How much more freedom do I need to give you? When we're married, should I wait at home with our children while you're out with your legs spread for another guy? Should I tell the kids that Dad didn't come home because he's Batman and needs to patrol the city?

It's so funny, Youngjae. Tell me, is it because I'm not big enough? You were just drooling the other day that I've got the size every girl would die for, so is it because I'm too vanilla? Do I not you the way you like? You're always whimpering in bed about how good I am, so is it just that one guy isn't enough for you?

I don't think my job's the best but I think I give you quite a lot of allowance. More than what I'd ever be able to spend on myself for one month. I know I'm not sugar-daddy standard, but if you can afford to splurge with the amount I give you, I don't think it's too bad, right? Should I get another job so you'd be pleased enough to be faithful?

I sigh as another woman passes me, sparing me a curious glance. Here I am wearing my dignity like it's trash and you still haven't picked up the phone in the past three hours. I'd try a payphone to see if you're avoiding me, but you'd call me creepy and say you want another "break". And yeah, I do think that's creepy, and you're not worth the effort.

Wiping away my tears, I glace at the photo of us as my wallpaper. How much more do I have to beg for you to come back? I'm tired, Youngjae. I really am. I may have a heart that's disgustingly drawn to you, but my brain isn't as empty as it seems. I know when to leave, even though it's much, much overdue. You were just waiting for this, weren't you? For me to make the first move so a like you wouldn't have to shoulder the burden of instigating the break-up. Does it help you feel more innocent, like what they always say about you?

My fingers hover over the dial button and I'm so tempted to just call you again. Maybe you'll pick up this time. Maybe you'll say you're sorry like the last time, and whether I want to meet you tomorrow for date. Then, I'd forget everything you did to me and go home with the stupidest smile on my face, like when you agreed to be my boyfriend. Then, next week, I'd be back here in this alleyway, crying my ing eyes out as I wait by your apartment building.

I flick my finger up to type a message and stand, brushing off the dirt on my jeans.

Let's break up.

Hey, even doormats like me have their limits.