He didn't know which was worse – feeling nothing or everything at the same time.

What was worse than both of those, however, was when they mixed together – when he felt so weighed down by everything in the world around him, but at the same time felt so detached from it that he had no motivation to take the reins of his own life. He felt helpless to change anything, but the lack of control made him stressed, downright anxious.

And every now and again this anxiety escalated, leaving him breathless and in tears. It was a mentally crippling position that he didn't know how to escape.

Not knowing how to ask for help without seeming ridiculous or selfish, stupid or whiny, he decided not to ask at all – and let it all pass.

As days went on even hope that it would pass was starting to fade. Because as days melted into weeks and weeks melted into months, he couldn't find it in himself to take control or find a purpose in doing so. On the other hand, he also could find no way to ease his nerves or lessen the stress that was always creeping up his spine.

He just wanted it all to stop. He was tired of even searching for a solution, he just wanted everything to stop.

His breathing was beginning to become audible, his chest was tightening, it felt as if all air had left his lungs.

Minhyuk didn't want anyone to see him like that. He knew that his band mates had enough to deal with already and anyways, he knew that no one really cared. It was what made him feel most lonely – the realization that his turmoil was absolutely insignificant compared to others'. He knew that he was just whining and quite frankly, he was weak. When he looked to the other five, he felt that all of them were handling their troubles much more gracefully, while he was crumbling pathetically.

Minhyukah, you’re so clingy~

He really was, in many more ways than just hugging s onstage. He was dependant of them.

No, he couldn’t let them see him like that. Minhyuk felt like they’d lose all respect for him if they did.

Locked up in the bathroom, Minhyuk was sat on the cold tiles, hugging his knees and crying quietly into his hands. He pulled his sweater over his head; too ashamed to even look at himself. He felt weak, so terribly weak; he kept telling himself to toughen up, to swallow it and keep it down, to just stop and keep going. How could everyone do it but not him?

The knock felt so distant, it could have been from another world.

The voice, however, was much closer.

“Hyuuung, get out already!” It was Sanha, complaining about the amount of time Minhyuk had already spent in the bathroom.

But he wasn’t ready. His stifled little sobs hadn’t been nearly enough to relieve the heaviness considering he actually wanted to scream.

He took a second to breathe, to try and steady his voice. “I’ll be out in a minute!” He called out, but there was the faintest crack in his voice as he did.

A pause. “Hurry up! I made tea!”

Minhyuk didn’t want to get out. He was afraid to face the others, he didn’t want to be questioned. If he were to be asked anything, he knew he wouldn’t be able to restrain himself; he’d spill all of his troubles even though he knew no one would care.

When he walked out, shakily, breath still trembly and unsteady with traces of sobs, Minhyuk was startled to see Sanha standing there, playing on his phone. Upon noticing him Sanha slipped his phone into his pocket and gave a gentle smile.

“Do you want some tea, hyung?” He asked, in a tone so bright that it nearly made Minhyuk’s cloudy mind clear.

Nearly.

“You can have mine. I’ll be in my room,” he muttered and tried to walk past the younger.

Sanha took his hand, gently and subtly, his touch light as a feather.

“Let’s have tea together,” he said quietly, gaze fixed on where he was tracing patterns in the back of Minhyuk’s palm.

He didn’t reply for a long time, but he didn’t pull away from Sanha.

“Are the others in the kitchen?” He asked.

Sanha nodded, but quickly added, “We can go to your room though. I’ll bring the tea.”

Minhyuk sighed, giving Sanha’s hand a light squeeze. “Alright... Alright. Thank you,” he muttered.

For a little while they didn’t move, not wanting to let go of each other. Sanha then pressed a small kiss to Minhyuk’s forehead – it was as if giving the elder a bit of energy to survive the little time they’d be apart.

Minhyuk trotted to his room and dropped onto the bed, smushing his face into one of the pillows and wrapped his arms around it. To keep his mind occupied, Minhyuk focused only on the lingering feeling of Sanha’s lips on his skin.

And it worked – he was able to keep his mind off of bad thoughts until the younger arrived.

“Hi again,” Sanha said cheerfully.

Minhyuk lifted himself off the bed and sat up properly. He just smiled, extending his arm to take the mug.

“Careful, it’s hot,” Sanha hummed, sitting down on the bed after he’d handed Minhyuk his tea.

They weren’t quite cuddling, not with both of them holding mugs of hot tea, but Minhyuk was leaning against Sanha as if he were a large cushion.

And Sanha, in his wish to comfort Minhyuk, was risking spillage of his tea by snaking one arm around Minhyuk’s waist; instead of holding the mug with both hands.

It was perfectly quiet.

Minhyuk tried to keep his mind at bay and only focus on Sanha’s presence, his warmth and his touch.

“I saw a kitten yesterday,” Sanha said suddenly. Minhyuk knew what he was doing, he was trying to distract him with random light-hearted stories, and Minhyuk appreciated it.

He kept his eyes on his tea and nodded along to the story of how Sanha helped a kitten that was stuck in a puddle. Minhyuk could picture it vividly – a worried Sanha with a kitten wrapped up in his hoodie, drawn to his chest, caressing its little head.

“She was trembling so much,” Sanha was saying. Having finished his tea, he now had both hands free and was able to hold Minhyuk better. “I had to leave her... I think she’ll be okay, but I’m still sad that I had to leave her.”

“Maybe we can go back for her,” Minhyuk said, closing his eyes. “We just have to convince the others to keep her.”

Sanha took the mug that easily slipped out of Minhyuk’s hands and put it on the nightstand where his also was. “That would be amazing... We’ll ask them.”

It was ridiculous how easy it was for Sanha to handle Minhyuk, to scoop him up and gently pull him onto the bed fully. Then again, Minhyuk wasn’t struggling either, he was tired, so tired...

Sanha skilfully covered them both with a soft white blanket, which had to have been difficult considering the fact that he kept one arm around Minhyuk’s waist at all times.

It took a little while but soon Minhyuk was safely and warmly snuggled up to Sanha, his head rested on the younger’s chest.

How perfectly they fit together. It was as if Minhyuk had been born to be held by Sanha, to be curled up against him as he was now.

“You’ll be okay hyungie,” Sanha then whispered.

The reassurance made Minhyuk’s heart ache. “I don’t know if I will be,” he mumbled, too afraid to even let those thoughts get out of his mouth. He’d gotten this far because he’d believed that he’d be okay and that things would be better. But now... He wasn’t so sure. It terrified him, but it felt like this feeling would never go away.

“You will be,” Sanha said in a tone firm yet somehow still soft. “Nothing lasts forever. Things will change. We’ll try to make it a change for the better, okay?”

Minhyuk shut his eyes tighter, took a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Don’t hide from me, please. Don’t think I won’t be there for you. I’ll always do everything I can to make you feel even a bit better, you just have to say the word. I’ll be there, I’ll always be there.”

Minhyuk’s hands curled into fists, he clung onto Sanha’s shirt and cried. He cried while Sanha kissed his hair and whispered soft reassurances.

“You don’t have to hide baby,” Sanha said, playing with Minhyuk’s hair. “It’s okay.”

Minhyuk still wasn’t ready to unwind completely or let Sanha see all of his worries, but this was better. It was much better breaking down in Sanha’s arms where he was safe.

He didn’t want to keep crying, it made him feel pathetic. He made sure to stop as soon as possible, though tiny sobs escaped him every now and again even after he’d calmed down.

Minhyuk shifted, looked up at Sanha and smiled through teary eyes. “Can I squish your cheeks?” He asked in a small voice.

Sanha smiled brightly and with gentle fingers wiped Minhyuk’s tears away. “Of course! You don’t have to ask baby.”

It was a bit easier to smile now. Minhyuk repositioned himself so that he was facing Sanha. His touch was gentle as he cupped Sanha’s cheeks, gently squeezed them and giving an occasional poke.

It was making him giggle, as it always did.

And if there was anything that could brighten Minhyuk’s day in mere seconds it was Sanha’s giggles. He broke into a grin and it no longer felt forced at all, even though his first smile may have been.

They were both laughing, with Sanha’s cheeks gradually becoming redder and redder, both because of Minhyuk squishing them and because of the gentle words that accompanied the action.

“You’re so cute. I’ve never seen a prettier boy in my life. Truly the most adorable.” It was spoken quietly, because it was only for Sanha to hear.

And before long Minhyuk was gracing Sanha’s cheeks with feathery kisses, and this too made the younger giggle and blush.

In the end Minhyuk nuzzled against his very soft boyfriend, tucked his head under Sanha’s chin and pressed lazy kisses to his neck. Sanha occasionally let out a contented sigh, playing with Minhyuk’s fluffy hair. Like that, they fell asleep.