March, 16

She read it. One by one, the articles about that scandal, she read it. Her best friends kept calling her about the progress of the investigation to the ual abused scandal that were doing by a group chat of male celebrities.

It was frightening. She was silently praying. ‘Please, not him! Don't let him in.’ The fact that his name had been tagged as one of it circle, she chose to only believe him. She knew him better than anyone. No! He wouldn't do that! She thought.

And her idiot boyfriend suddenly out of reach. He turned his cellphone off and he's not in his apartment neither. It drove her crazier. She knew that he and DF the leader of THE BLUE were off of duty yesterday and they came to his agency office for some administration reasons that she desperately wanted to know. But he disappeared. Again! It's so him, though. Whenever this cruel world tried to judge him, he'd disappear.

“For God's sake where the hell are you, John?” She helplessly whispered. She clicked the call sign on her cellphone again and again and she only heard a stupid robot was answering his phone.

“Seriously, are you try to kill me again, John?!!” She threw her cellphone away onto her bed. She kept walking from a corner to another corner of her room. The veins were protruding on her forehead and her neck while her hands were busy grabbed her messy hair. She held the pressure that was pushing in her chest and it was hurt. It was hurt to the point that she literally couldn't breath.

She ran to the desk beside her bed and took something from it drawer. Her pills. Yes. She consumed it again for these few months, mostly after he enlisted military service.

She took a deep breath. She needed to calm down so she could think the right thing to do. She was about to take her phone back right before it's ringing. Pretty Mom wrote on it. His mom. She asked Roxanne to call her ‘Mom' instead of ‘Mom in Law To Be’. She knew that Roxanne doesn't have someone whom she can call her ‘Mom' since her birth mother left her when she was still a baby.

“Yes, Mom.” She tried to sound normal and calm which was so hard at the moment.

“Roxy, are you okay?” She sounded so worry.

She inhaled a deep breath once again before she answered. “Yes, Mom. I'm fine.” Of course, she lied. How could she felt okay when that woman's beloved son turned off his phone right after the rumor about him doing ual abused exploded in public.

“Do you hear that, don't you? The rumors about my son?” Her voice sounded hopelessly.

“I did. I heard that.” She failed this time. Her voice was shaking and the tears finally jumped from her two eyes. It was difficult. Pretending to be fine was really hard.

“I’m sorry, Roxy. I should have raised him better. He shouldn't do that kind of…”

“No, Mom. He's not like that. For God's sake he's not like what people are thinking of. Please, trust your son. He's not a perfect guy, I know, but he wouldn't be that jerk. The rumors had been spreading few years ago and I knew the whole story. her fan? No!! It's not true, Mom. No! John will never do that kind of things.” She tried to not sob although she felt like her chest was about to explode.

“I know, Dear. How can I don’t know my own baby? He must feel cornered now.” The woman in the phone sounded like crying too.

“He's missing, Mom. I can't reach him and I don't know where he is now. I think I’m going crazy. I'm so scared that he can do any stupid actions again.” She failed. She's sobbing.

“God, I know he’d do it. This is not the first time he tried to run away from us whenever he doesn’t know how to explain himself. I know my own son. He’s a man with pride and it's not easy for him to face people when his pride is hurt. I'm sorry, Roxy, it must be hard for you too.” The woman was sniffling. Her heart was broken into pieces to see how people pointed their fingers to his only son.

“I’ll find him, Mom. Don't worry. I pray to God for make him strong and remind him that he has us. If he ever loved me, he won't ever do any stupid things. I'll find him, Mom. I promise.”

“He loves you, Roxy. You can doubt with anything but you know that he crazily love you. You're right. He won't ever do any terrible things. He’s only fear. And lost. He needs some spaces to thing how to fix this all. We have to trust him no matter how. He only has us, though.”

*****

She drove her Mini Cooper in the middle of the night. She wished, she could find him there. In a place that only him and her who know it. It took about 3 hours from her city and she’s brave herself to driving alone without her manager. Of course not! If her manager knew that she's going to meet him, he would strongly forbid it. She understood it for some reasons. Her John is a celebrity with an unforgiven scandal now. And to meet him at the moment was like she tried to digging her own grave.

She didn't care anyway. There's nothing more important than to see him safe.

People would only see her as a super idiot girlfriend who still stood for him after all he had done to her and to his fans. He didn't deserve any defense for every low thing he did. Yes! Her best friends kept sounding that fact to her ears and it was sickening. They know nothing, for God's sake! She thought.

There she was. She parked her car in front of a small villa in the country side. She remembered, he bought this villa 3 years ago, right after they decided to start their relationship over again. It was their secret place actually. He said that he would take her there whenever they need some time to distract from their daily celebrity world. There would be no one could find them there since it located behind a hill and very far from society.

She stepped up the wooden terrace and stood up in front of a door. She closed her eyes and prayed. Please, let me find him here. Her heart was whispered. She took a deep breath before she pulled the door. And…

It was opened.

Thank God, he's here. Her heart was whispered once again.

She's entering the Villa and still didn't find him yet. Until she heard someone opened the bath room door, and… the man she's desperately searching for was standing there with the towel hung on his neck. He was drying his hair but immediately stopped when he found her standing a few meters away from him.

Their eyes were locked into each other's stares. He couldn't believe that she really found him. At that hour? It was shocking him.

“Roxanne? What are you doing here?” He's looking around like he tried to find someone else behind his girl. But he didn't find any.

“To ask you the same question, John!” She held her emotion, because she needed to talk clear and right and she couldn't do that if she cried or exploded her feeling.

“What?” It still felt unbelievable for him. “Wait? Were you driving alone here? This late at night? Are you crazy?” Suddenly it scared him. The thought about she had been through the night alone, it scared him. What if she got an accident? What if someone tried to hurt her on the journey to here? She scared him.

“Who make me like this anyway? If you just call me once and tell me that you're fine then I shouldn't have to come here and risking my life!” The warm liquid started forming on her eye bags and ready to flow only in a blink of eyes.

He felt guilty. He hated himself even more for ever make her through it again.

“I'm sorry, Roxanne.. I really am sorry.” He softened his voice and looked at her gently. “No! I know, my apologize won't ever be enough. But….” Something felt like stuck in his throat. “I'm sorry…” He helplessly whispered.

“Of course, you have to.” She sounded shaking now, and the tears failed to be held. She did angry to him. Of course she has right to. He made her disappointed once again. He broke the promise that he would never make her feel the same agony again. She really wanted to run to him and break his bones for let her through it once again. But…

He looked miserable. The dark circle drew on his two eyes. He looked so pale and thin. And the unshaven mustache and beards on his face. He looked so messy.

And hurt.

“Have you eaten?” She wiped her tears as it wasn't longer important. She walked to the kitchen and tried to find something to cook so at least she could see him eat properly. But she only found a few pcs of eggs and instant noodle in the refrigerator. He really came there without any plans and just stayed there for undetermined time. This man was a real insane here.

She closed the refrigerator in mad before she grabbed her hair desperately. She really wanted to scream out load but she held it. There’s no other options except tried to make something with those ingredients.

She’s silently cooking. John saw her from the place where he's standing still. He felt so helpless. He really wanted to run to her and begging for an embrace because it felt extremely tiring. But something buried his feet onto the floor. His mistakes had eventually erasing his right for even just asking for her forgiveness.

She’s done cooking and served the noodle and omelet on the table. Still there were no words sounding from . The scene was familiar, though. She’d act like that every time John made her sad or disappointed.

“You shouldn’t do this, Rox...” Finally, John could slowly move his feet and then stood up in front of the dining table. She kept busy with her stuffs and pretending to not hear he’s speaking.

“Roxanne, please...” He reached her wrist, wishing he could stop her doing those thing. But she let his hand go right away.

“Just eat! At least when you in a plan to hide from me, please.. eat properly and stop makes me crazy!” She put the noodle into a bowl and placed it right in front of him. She really avoided his gazed. She took her own portion and started to eat without she waited him to do the same. It’s too late. It was 1.00 am already.

They ate the dinner soundlessly. Now she’s busy herself cleaning up the dishes. Yeah! It was how she used to do to reducing her emotion. It tortured him to see her so close but she stopped talking. He couldn’t let it longer. No! They seriously needed to talk but how? How could he fix it?

“I’ll drive you home, Roxy. Let’s go! I’ll clean up the rest.” He was about to go to his room and took his jacket but finally her voice stopped him.

“It’s so typical of you, John. Running away from me every time you felt cornered and chase me away every time I finally found you.” Sounded cynical. His chest started to feel aching so for a few moments, he only let her saw his back.

He turned around and faced her. He sighed a heavy breath, tried to keep calm.

“You shouldn’t be here, Roxanne. It’s too dangerous if someone find you with me here.” He carefully chose the words. Everything’s happened was hurt her enough. And of course, hurt him as well.

“Why? We used to be here every time we needed to be alone. Why shouldn’t I be here now?” Her voice sounded shaking. She propped her hands over the sink as her feet suddenly felt powerless. The fear was getting real. No! She didn’t even want to legitimate it.

“No, Roxy. It’s not the right time. You can get so much trouble if people find you related to me. Don’t you hear the rumors and what they’re talking about me?” His redden eyes when he’s on the verge of tears, she knew it best. This man was in serious pain.

“I don’t care!” She flatly answered.

“But I do! Please, Roxy.. don’t make the things more complicated. You know it well that everyone who related to Jason can eventually dragged to this case. I’m the one of them. The fact that we’re together now, it’s haunting me. I don’t want you to get hurt again. Mostly because of me!” His voice was cracking.

“I’m already hurt anyway.  You can’t help it even though you try to push me away. Don’t you know that I felt so worry? I was scared to think that you might leave me again like before. I was scared that you could hurt yourself. It drove me crazy, John.” The tear was falling from the corner of her eyes. She looked at him dearly and wishing he’d see how much she missed him.

He broke the gazed while took a deep breath.  “Look... I’m sorry, Rox…”

“For God's sake please stop saying sorry!” She shouted him in the end. She knew it. After the word sorry, it would be followed by goodbye.

“So what do you expect me to say, Roxy? What do you think I can do? Do you really want me explain to you which is only will sound like a lame excuse? Or do you really wish me to begging for your forgiveness and ask you to never leave me after this? Do you think that I still have a right to do that? How can I be so selfish to keep you beside me while I know it best that I’ll only give you more pains? They curse me, Roxy! The whole nation hates me! If they know that you are my girl they will attack you too! How can I let it happen? Please.. Just leave, Rox!!!” He's shaking now. He's hurt too and he knew that he had touched the lowest part of his life.

“I don't want it! I swear I won't ever leave you so stop pushing me away! Let's face it together, John! I trust you! I know the rumors are false. It's only framing and they trap you! We only need to explain and proof it wrong, John. I'm with you! Your family too!”

“You don't understand, Roxanne……”

“So please educate me to understand and stop being a ing coward who kept running away from me every time you hurt me!!!”

For a few moments, they were just locking each other's gazed.

“If I tell you the truth, will it change anything? If I tell you everything will you believe and fulfill my wish?” He's sniffling. His voice sounded cracking but he tried his best to not crying.

“At least I have right to hear that. Am I the only one here who think that our relationship… yes… this fragile relationship is still worth to fighting for?” She looked really desperate. If she ever knew, it broke his heart more to see her like that again. And to tell her the truth, it would just pouring salt on her wounds. But he urgently needed to make her go away. Left him alone and didn’t ever be near him.

“Some of them were right, Roxy. I did that.” The last sentences sounded like whispered. He looked down and she could see the tears jumped out one by one from his eyes although he wiped it right away.

“What? You did what?” She started to feel afraid. She was afraid of the truth that she had to face after he admitted it.

“I ed those girls. It's true! I ed with dozen of es whom I don't even know their names or remember their faces. It's true! I ed them and having so many torturing times with them, I swear it's true!!” He held his sob and encouraged himself to look at the broken girl in front of him.

“They said the truth, Roxy..” He rubbed his face and his head with his tremble hands. He couldn't find any better way to tell her everything because she'd eventually hurt. Whether by the rumors, or mostly by the truth. He couldn't help it. He couldn't turn back time only to fix that all.

Roxanne was frozen there. She lost her mind and couldn't select which one was the truth and which one was the nightmare. Both of it were frightening. She wished that she heard it wrong. But….

“Really? Did you them all?” She sounded more vulnerable this time. John didn’t have any strength to even just answer. He’s too shame. And guilty. And hurt.

“Was it fun, John?” Her gentle voice suddenly stabbed his heart. He looked at her with a disbelieving gazed.

“What?”

“ing those girls, was it awesome?” She bitterly smiled. It broke him more. He didn't expecting his Roxy would ask it.

“No.” He flatly answered. “It wasn't fun at all.” The pains in his eyes now showed even clearer. But he found her cynically laughed was echoing the room. Was she mocking him?

“You were kidding me?! How could get dozen girls didn't pleasure? So how exactly it felt, huh?!”

“It , just so you know! It was ing disgusting and it was enough to mark the label sinner in my face! Thanks to you, Roxy! I ed them all after you left me and chose to be with him. You wanted to know how it felt? Are you serious?? I told you, Rox… It felt like hell because I ed them and then I cried like insane right after I done. I ed them again and I cried again. I damn missed you to the point that I thought I would die if I didn't them!! Damn it!!! You asked me how it felt?!!!!”

This time, it was his gaze that felt like stabbing her heart. The man in front of her finally broke his fortress. He's so tiring. And so much in pain. He's soundlessly sobbing. He covered his face again so she could only see his body's shaking.

For a few minutes, both of them were busy with their own sobs, bragging whose wound was deeper, and cursing destiny that seemed like playing with them.

“That's! That is exactly the reason why, Roxy!” He pointed his finger to her. “That’s why you can't be with me! The fact that in the end you'd only hurt by truth, not by rumors.” He's sniffling again. Seemed it hard to him for keep talking while sobbing. He calmed himself before he continued.

“So please, Roxanne. Please, understand me.” He softened his voice this time. “For God's sake I just don't want to hurt you more. In the situation like this, this is the only best thing I can do to protect you!”

“Protect me from what? From who? Bull! In the end you're the one who mark the scars in me!” Her hurtful eyes were gripping his chest. She's right. It was him who always hurt her.

“You're right, Rox. I need to stay away from you just so I can protect you. From me! From the man who was keep giving you pains and wounds. You're right, Baby! The only one whom I need to protect you from is myself. So please… don't do this, okay?!” He almost failed to tell her the whole words because the sob was ready to explode again.

“I can't believe after these years, through so many things, and is this really the best thing you can do? Really? Ough !!!” She grabbed her hair again.

“Are you really the same man who's crying that morning, begging for me to stay? Are you really the same man who asked me to give it another try? And now what?! You chase me away and you said that it's for my sake? BULL!!!”

Once again she covered her face with her palms and started sobbing again.

“It was my fault, Roxy. I know, I shouldn't ask for any chance. I should've just let you be with him. In the end, I could give you nothing but pains.”

“What?? It was a fault?!”

He took a deep breath. Closer, he erase the distance between them and stood up beside her. He's brave himself to reach her hands and gripped it on his.

“Listen, Roxy…! This scandal is not as simple as we thought. So Baby, please. Just leave me and live a better life. Everyone in this nation are judging me with their own prejudice. And it's blooming uncontrollably. I don't know where this case will lead me to and when will it vanish. I even want to erase my family from my life only to make sure that it won't affect them. It's not that easy, Roxy. Forgive me, I have not enough power to protect you.” He held her hands with his pleaded gazed. He's begging.

“It's not fair! What kind of life it’ll be do you think?”

“A normal life, of course. You have everything, Roxanne. Your sparkling present and your bright future. Don't let someone like me take it from you. Roxy, I don't have any confidence to even just standing under my name. You can't be with me or I’ll ruin your life the way I ruined mine. Don't let me doing another sin..”

“So? Do you want to end everything here?” She looked at him deeper. “Are you sure, John? You'll lose me for real this time.” 

He felt like someone's strangling his neck. It was hard to breathe only by thinking that he would really lose her this time. He looked down, desperately held the sob as the pains was getting worse.

He nodded. He couldn't say anything nor even looked back at her but just….. nodded.

“Fine. I got it.” She took deep breath. She let go of his hand and wiped the rest of the tears on her face. “Just remember it, John. It's you who let me go. It's you who erase me from your life. It's you who give up and don't want to fight for us again.” She took her bag and her key. Seemed like it was her time to say goodbye. She walked away but stopped it after a few steps. She turned her body and looked at him once again. He still looked down and didn't dare to see her leaving.

“Can you take care of yourself, please. Without me at least can you taking good care of your life? Unless you really feel tired and want to die. Don't you dare to die alone, John Lee. I promise, I'll die with you so just tell me if you really feel like you want to. I can bear to live without you, but I can’t breathe in the world that you’re not existed.” She looked at him dearly before….

“Goodbye, John!”

She walked out and disappeared behind the door. Along with that, the pain was getting real and he couldn't hold it. The man was gripping the shirt on his chest, as it was really hard to breathe.

She's gone, Bastard! She's really gone! He kept cursing himself. You lost her, John! You ing lost her for real!!!

And then he hurriedly ran. His sanity worked too late. No! Roxanne, I can't!! He thought.

She's just passing the terrace when she heard someone's running behind her. And in any seconds, that someone had kneels down right in front of her. It stopped her step right away.

He's on his knee. His right hand grabbed her hand. He looked down and soundlessly sobbed again. His shoulders were shaking but he said nothing. He couldn’t say anything. He's begging with the unspoken words.

It made her weak so she could do nothing but down to his level until their eyes were in a line. She looked at that broken man who couldn't look at her back. Slowly, she guided his face to look up and see her. She caressed his teary face gently.

“Can I stay, John?” She whispered.

He looked at her with anguish gazed as the tears were still falling from his brown eyes.

“Please…” He helplessly nodded. His voice was cracking. She didn't have any option but pulled his body into her embrace. And finally she could hear him crying. Once again, that man was crying in her arms. Once again, he got hurt. Once again, he failed her to leave.

“I'm sorry….” He said amidst the sobs. He held her body tighter.

“You're always this late, John. You're stupid and always late!” She held him back as she could feel his body's shaking. Her only love was in pain.

“You must be scared, Honey! I'm sorry!” She kissed his head and she heard him sobbed even harder. He cried out of all. World hurt him that bad. He cried out of load. He's too tiring.

*****

March, 17

He laid his head on her lap. It was 09.00 am and the sun rays tried to infiltrate their bed room from the slit of the white curtain. Both of their faces were swollen after the hard sobbing and continued by a make love session. Their bodies were sore but their feelings were a little bit easy.

Roxanne was combing his army shape hair with her fingers. Hope it could help him release his anxiety. But the burden was still clearly seen in his eyes. He stared at the window with so many thoughts in his head that Roxanne wished to know it.

“I never rapped anyone, Roxy. I swear with my life, I never do that.” His voice still sounded husky.

“I know…” She softly replied.

“No! I swear I didn't, Rox!” Once again he ascertained his words. He's really needed her to completely trust him. And he told the truth.

“I know, John. I trust you, really!” She emphasized her answer too.

“And the content of the chat was not like what people saw. They manipulated it in some parts. I remember, we were in such a casual boy's convo and sometimes we're talking about girls too. And….” He remained silent for a moment.

“We’re talking about our trip in Europe.” He got up from her lap, and then sat right in front of her. He reached her hand and locked it on his. What he would say maybe a little bit aching for her heart, so holding her hands was his way to strengthen her.

“Beib, I swear! I only did that in Europe. I never touched any local girls mostly from celebs community just like media said. And you know that! How shatter my life was after we broke up. Mostly after I know you're engaged. My life felt like hell, Roxy. After that morning you left me alone and chose to be with him….

I lost, Beib! Life was so scary and….” Something stopped him. The moist, warm and sweet lips stopped his mouth from talking farther.

“So I’m the real sinner here…” She gently whispered.

“No! You didn't do wrong, Roxy. It was me who caused you left in the first place. I didn't know how to treat you right until I lost you and started feeling regret.”

“You almost lost me again last night, remember?”

“Yeah! This looser is truly idiot!” He bashfully smiled. “I did so many bad things in order to proof that I was strong. Including my virtual marriage show. I did that to hurt you, honestly.”

“And congratulation, you did it, Man! You hurt me so much. You were doing what we used to do with her. It was until I felt like I was about to drive to your place only to slap you in your face.” She drew a thin smile.

“You should've doing that, Beib. If only you came to me sooner…” He helplessly whispered. He drooped his head down, and then she put her forehead touched his.

“I was afraid that I wasn't meant enough for you. I was afraid that you're already closed the door…..”

“No! No way! You know how pathetic I was that time. To think that he was more deserve to be your reason to be happy, I felt like all my life was totally failed.”

It passed, though. But he could still remember the feeling of desperate when Sean Lee said that he's about to marry his Roxanne. Sean Lee. The man who ‘stole’ her from his arms. Yeah, he felt that way, when actually he's the one who let her go and finally she found another man. A better man.

On February 2015, he heard about their engagement from Catherine her best friend who is DF's girlfriend. And then John confirmed it himself. He got really drunk that night, and just sober in the next morning. The morning when he found Roxanne cooked in his kitchen after a year she didn't ever through his door again. But she was there. She took him home when he was really lost his sanity. She took care of him even made the breakfast before she decided to leave again.

He stopped her, though, just like the way he stopped her last night. But it didn't work that time. She chose to leave and be with Sean. That morning. When he realized that his world had totally changed. He needed something to hold on, so he could be stronger. And it was when all his stupidities began. He smoked again. Drunk every nights. Got insomnia and only could sleep after taking some pills. And in Europe, with Jason, he did that thing. Something he'd regret it for the rest of his life. He know, he couldn't get any legitimacy for his wrong doings. He didn't asking, anyway. The only important thing for him just to get Roxanne's forgiveness. And his family too.

“I'm sorry for never be good enough for you, Baby!” He caressed her face gently.

 “No. You don't have to.” She took his hand from her face and she held it now.

“Listen, John. I decided to come back to you not because I expected perfection in you. I chose you because I learned how to love myself when I love you.  And to love you, I learned to love your darkness as a whole package. You knew it best that my life isn't perfect neither. You can see what people can't see in me. So… can we just face it together?”

He looked down for a moment before he looked back at her.

“I love you, Roxy…” He gently whispered.

“I know! So don't ever push me away again pretending as you really can leave without me.”

He soundlessly laughed and nodded. “Fine! I promise!”

“By the way, John.. How long you plan to stay here?” She's playing with his hands.

“I took my off duty until March 20. So I have to come back to the camp on 21. Why? Will you stay here with me?” He kissed her back hand. Just for information, it was one of their favorite way to treat each other after back hug. And John kept doing back hand kisses with his virtual wife in the show in purpose to hurt his Roxy.

“I wish I could. But the day after tomorrow I have to shoot a variety show. And this Sunday I have attending Erika's concert. I promised to the girls I’ll be there. I'll go with Summer. Hhhh… really!! I want to stay here and leave everything.” She heavily sighed. John caressed her arm, tried to give her support.

“It’s okay, Baby. I'm glad you have so many schedules. For a while, it's good for you to keep busy. You only need to focus on your jobs and don't too worry about me. I'll be fine.”

“I know.” She shortly answered. “But.. John.. They investigated you too, right? For Jason's case and his scandal.”

He nodded. “Yeah. 2 days ago they came to the camp.” Suddenly, his face turned to be bitter again.

“So what happened?”

“Well, it didn’t like investigation, I guess. It was more like commanding.” He bitterly smiled.

“Commanding?” She didn't get it.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “They're asking me about the chat first. I admitted what I did, but I denied what I didn't. But then they leaded me to the case and indirectly forced me to admit.” Once again, he bitterly smiled. This time was a half laughed.

“What?!! Why were they ing do that?!” She's on her nerve again.

“Don’t worry, Beib. I can handle it. Don't interfere too deep. No! Don't even show people that you know me. Only our close friends who know us dating, so.. If you really need it, you have just tell them that we break up again. Just make sure you safe, Roxy.”

“No way! Don't ask me to do that again, John!”

“Eiii.. It's not for real, Honey. At least until the situation get better. I just don't want you dragged to the scandal. Everything I did will be useless if you get hurt too.” He her head lovely.

“Did what? What did you do for my sake? Don't tell me that…” She started panic.

“Sstt…. No, Baby! Don't worry. I won't get hurt, I promise. I can't tell you the whole story now. Not yet. But trust me. I have my own priority. For me, you and my family are my highest priority. Your life is before mine. I don't care with those who tried to kill me but I'll kill them who tried to hurt you. That's only metaphor, of course. But, Roxanne… I can't let anyone touch you.” He caressed her chic and looked at her eyes deeper. He only needed her to trust him once again. Trusting his decisions and his plans.

“But how can I let you hurt because of me?” The alien fear started to fill her heart again.

“Why is this because of you? No! It's not our faults if I have to say it so. But we're in the situation that we have to face a super mega power. Our hands can't against them. It's not surrender, we're just step back. I'm willing to loose all I have now, but I can't loose you or my family. Just one time. Please, I need you to trust me and support me, okay? And remember this. I love you, Roxanne Lim. More than I love this whole world.”

She failed. She failed to hold back the tears because it were just falling uncontrollably. He wiped it immediately.

“Ouh.. My Baby please, stop crying. Your face will be swollen even more. Didn't you say that you have to shoot a varshow the next after tomorrow? You have to look gorgeous as always.”

“I don't care. I don't even want to come back there. I just want to stay here with you..” She burst her cry again but this time he found her so cute. His baby…

He pulled her body to his arms and locked her there.

“I desperately want it too, Roxy. It's just temporary, I promise. I'll be back to you soon right after this storm end.” He kissed her top.

In the evening, John drove her back. He couldn't let her drive alone, at least until she reached the gate of the city. He wished he could drive her until she safe in her apartment, but it would be dangerous for the both of them. They were separated there and he took the cab to come back to the villa.

18 March

‘After his chat with Jason Jung showed up in public, most of THE BLUE fans signed petition and ask John Lee to leave the group. They can't forgive what he had done that finally ruined THE BLUE's reputation.’

‘The scandal about insider trading case 3 years ago is back sticking to the surface as the amoral chat of him spread out in public. He's in military service now, but he admitted it when the investigator team met him in military camp.’

‘Behind his cool and sweet personality, John Lee hid his rude and amoral side behind his fake image. His scandal can be affecting the group but so far, his agency keep defending and insisting him to stay in the group.’

What had been viral these days were really sickening for her. No! It were hurting. To see how people, no… how his so called fans treated him that way, it was hurt her. She wished that she could speak her heart out, tell the world that it was unfair, but she remembered what John said on the phone. Don't let them hurt us more. Don't give them any chances to oppressive us deeper. There's too many things we have to protect and don't let them sacrifice for us.

It was so sad. She didn't feel better these two days although she had been met him. She couldn’t stop crying whenever she heard the news about him. And this morning, Megan called her and cried. Her brother was one of Jason's chat room member and had been investigated by the police.

But it wasn't her reason to cry. She cried because she found out that her brother closed his restaurant and forced to be lead into the case only to protect her and her career. Her brother chose to back off in purpose to keep his family safe.

Once again, Roxanne felt everything was so unfair. She wished, she could find some super power to open up the big issue behind this framing. Her John, Megan's brother, and some of them were not deserved to be the triggers.

Bip.. Bip…

Her phone was vibrated.

From : Burning

‘I have to go to Busan now. Roxy, please stay away from me and everything about me for a while, Beib.’

‘It's not parting. It's only pretending just so you'll be save.’

‘Just act as normal as you can.’

‘Good luck for tomorrow shooting and stay being what you used to be.’

‘The most important thing is.. Don't let anyone knows about us, okay?’

‘My family got terror, so I don't want you to get it too. I’ll go home to see how bad it was before I come back to the camp.’

‘Take care while I can't protect you, Baby. Please, don't get hurt.’

‘I love you. I promise everything will be over soon.’

Her hands was shaken. She's crumbled. Her body fell down to the floor and the tears started flowing again. She didn't care anymore, when her face terribly swollen.

In the next day, the day she had to shoot her varshow, she looked like alien. No matter how hard her stylish tried to cover it with high technic make up, it couldn't cover it perfectly. And once again she got with society!

It was fantastic, how the rumors built that fast. What? Plastic surgery? Roxanne Lim? Unless she got insane, what should she need to do PS when every girls in her country desperately want to have a visual like her??

Yes! Rumors are ! For make her be apart with her John, it were ! She cursed them! She cursed the rumors and people who created it.