Hyosung stared at her apartment’s ceiling; questions ran through her head. There was no way for her to stop them from coming. These days had been hard on her and yet, she found herself to have no one to rely on. Sure, she had friends. Sure, she had a boyfriend. Sure, she had her family. Yet, she found herself to have no trust in them. This was not the first time that she had been lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling with questions and pity running through her. The last time she went through this experience, her head ached so much that she had to take some medicine and slept for two days straight. The next day, she acted all fine. She tried to forget those running questions—or should she say that she avoided answering all those questions? Hyosung knew they were there—at the back of her mind—and ready to pop up when she was at her lowest.

She did not know when the whole depressing cycle started. All she knew was that, when the cycle came up, she shut people out and drowned in her thoughts. Hyosung must admit, sometimes, she was afraid that she would not be able to fight back anymore. What would happen to her if that happened? She was afraid to know the answer.

Her thoughts got disrupted with the sudden noise coming from her phone. A name popped up on the screen: “Clingy Oppa”. Hyosung sighed. A part of her was thankful that he had called her and yet, another part of her was angry about the fact that she had to pick up the call when she was drowning. Instead of picking up, she stared blankly on the screen. Somehow, it became an interesting activity to watch how long he held the phone when she did not have the intention to pick up. “Sorry, Oppa,” she whispered to her phone, wishing that he would be able to hear her words just now.

After what felt an eternity, he hung up the call. It was as if her phone stared at her, judging her for ignoring his call. Hyosung sighed. She was not ready to face anyone today, not even him. No, especially him. She was not ready to greet him with her messy appearance. She did not want him to see her in a bad shape. Hyosung knew Jay loved beauty. Yet, she was not in the right state of mind which made it hard to make her look her best in front of him—at least for today and for the next few days. She had not showered for two days, barely living amidst the battle with herself in her head. It had been tiring and she had no energy left from the whole invisible chaos inside.

Somehow, Hyosung felt sad and pathetic. Why did they date in the first place anyway? What was the point in the first place if she was going to torture herself this way and shut him out when she needed him the most? Hyosung wondered; how did they end up together in the first place when she was a mess trying to live day by day?

Her mind drifted somewhere for the first time in two days, to remind her the first time she met him and the starting of their relationship.

                                                                   

***

 

It was winter in 2011 when she first met him. She was in her second year of university and he was in his third year. There was a small outing held by her friends to celebrate Junho’s graduation. Hyosung could not refuse their invitations as she had agreed on the outing months before. However, most importantly, she knew it was their way to show their love to her. They had known how hard Hyosung tried to keep her current GPA from slipping. She had spent her days studying café more often than in her room. She just could not afford to lose her scholarship over anything trivial.

They were planning to go to a small village in a mountain, two hours’ drive outside of the city. Hyosung had heard her friends talking about the place, saying that the sunrise was amazing even in winter. Although she had seen the sunrise thousands of times, Hyosung wanted to see a beautiful sunrise in the winter. Something she could not get when she came out of the studying cafes. Or perhaps, it was the feeling she got when she watched the sunrise. Whenever she watched the sunrise after she came out of the studying café, she was surrounded by a heavy feeling she could not describe. A part of her knew it came up from the constant pressure she had been dealing with. However, she had gotten tired with the constant heaviness she felt lately which was why she wanted to believe that this sunrise sighting would give her the healing she deserved.

“Hyosung, do not forget to pack some thick sweaters and bring your coat. We do not want you to get sick after this outing!”

Hyosung stared at the text popping on her screen. Junho had been constantly reminding her to pack although she had told him that he did not need to be worried as they were only staying for 2 nights. She had stayed in colder places for more than 3 nights and she knew what she had to bring. Hyosung had no idea why Junho would fuss everyone in the group on what to bring and what not. Maybe because he had taken the idea of being the only senior in their group meant that they needed his constant attention. Although Hyosung was sure Junho had not been this noisy last year.

‘Is it the graduating anxiety?’ Hyosung thought to herself. “Must be it,” Hyosung mumbled to herself.

As part of her habit, today too, she was spending her time in the far corner of a new studying café. She had discovered this place during the first day of the exam week which was about three days ago. It was not by accident, instead, she had eyed the place ever since she realized they were preparing to open a café. Hyosung loved the fact that the café was far from being noisy, it opened for 24 hours, and Hyosung loved their menu.

The café had adopted the concept of being in a quiet garden with how they decorated the place with lots of plants. Most of their tables and chairs were made of woods, painted in a light brown. For students who wanted to study, they had a corner on the second floor where they could find peace and silence. Those who only wanted to grab some drinks and chatted were located on the first floor which made the students able to study disrupted on the second floor. Hyosung could not wish for a better place.

Hyosung sighed. She was not a student of a ‘hard’ major. She was taking social sciences and yet, she was busy as those in the engineering majors.  How did she end up like this?! This was not what she expected when she decided to enrol in the study program. She thought she would have a lot of time for herself. Well, she did actually. A lot of time between her and her laptop, alone! Almost every two weeks, she found herself drowning with papers. She thought it only happened during the first year of study. Later she found out that it was to get worse in the third year. She had yet experienced the worst.

She had to keep up her current pace for the next two years. The thought made her anxious, two years were not supposed to be a long time however, time is relative for everyone. For Hyosung, two years was a long time with tons of projects she had no idea about and things she was not sure about. It was not the fact that she had to face a ton of projects that made her stressed, it was the fact that she would have to make sure her GPA stayed above 3.5 for two years. Her current GPA could only save her for one semester of slacking off.

Her head felt heavy with the sudden thoughts of her GPA. Hyosung knew she would not be able to finish her papers tonight, her mood had suddenly got worse. It was not something she could handle. Hyosung quickly packed her books and laptop, waving to a girl she knew from her class, and went downstairs. That was when she saw him.

His appearance was not something extra-ordinary. He was all bundled up in a thick coat with two layers of sweaters. Hyosung could not guess how much hair gel he put on his hair but she felt pity for it, shampooing them would be a huge pain. However, it was the way he smiled and moved that made Hyosung stunned for a moment. He moved with a lot of confidence and the way he smiled was as if an announcement that no one would ever bring him down, he owned his life. Hyosung knew she was a total opposite of him, maybe that was why she was too stunned to move. She was attracted to how he could become a contrast to her personality.

“Hyosung!” A familiar voice made her realize that she might have blocked the stairs. Embarrassed, she looked for the source of the voice and found Junho looking at her with a big worried smile.

“Junho, what are you doing? I thought you do not drink coffee?” She hurriedly approached Junho. Her eyes glanced curiously to the man standing next to Junho. It was the same man who just stood in front of the counter. Did Junho know him?

“I do not like coffee, that is true. But, this friend of mine got annoying when he did not get his evening coffee,” Junho told her, his hands continuously slapped the back of the man’s back.

Out of courtesy, Hyosung bowed to the man. “Hello, Junho’s friend. Nice to meet you,” She said. Deep inside, she hoped her voice did not tremble when she talked. His eyes were on her, looking at her with the same curiosity she had earlier on him.

“Oh, hello. My name is Jay Park. You can call me Jay,” He said warmly, completely ignoring Junho’s annoying slap on his back.

“Jeon Hyosung. Please call me Hyosung,” she quickly introduced herself. Looking at him with such a short distance, she could see how gorgeous his eyes were. His black eyes carried out a calming vibe, making her even more interested in him. They were too hypnotizing, she could not look away.

“Oh, right! This guy is also going to our outing next weekend. Ji-Eun said we need one more person to share the cost and I invited him to join,” Junho told Hyosung when her eyes did not move from Jay.

“Ah, so you are part of his ‘flowers’ group? How is your exam so far?” He looked at Hyosung with a wide smile, as if trying to be extra cheerful. For a split second, Hyosung felt scared.

“Of course, you and your obsession for something beautiful,” Junho scoffed next to him.

Hyosung looked at the two of them, confused with the statement. Junho caught her confused look and started talking, his eyes did not look like he approved what Jay was doing, “He is ridiculously honest. This guy right here, he loves beautiful women. Especially those with good bodies. From the way he looks right now, I think you just made it into his list.”

There was a long awkward silence between the three of them. Hyosung watched in amusement when Jay’s eyes widened with Junho’s description of him. The moment Junho mentioned about the list, Jay lost it. He took a deep breath and threw an apologetic look to her. Hyosung who was always conscious of her body, brought her bag closer to her chest—knowing that her sweater was a little bit too thin for the weather and too tight right on her chest area which led him staring at her with a big smile earlier.

“Junho, I will go first. I still have 4 papers left. See you next weekend?” Hyosung quickly tried to save herself from the spiralling encounter. From the corner of her eyes, Hyosung caught Jay breathed in relief. Junho’s words seemed to get to him more than Junho thought.

“Of course! We will pick you up later, Hana is driving,” Junho told her. Hyosung could see how Junho took the information as a piece of important news to share with her. She did not have the heart to tell him that she was the one who told Hana to drive as she had zero trusts in Junho’s driving ability. On top of that, Hyosung did not have the heart to tell Junho that Jay seemed ready to slap him with some serious talks once she left.

Hyosung bowed to the two men, saying her goodbye. It was not easy to fight back the urge to look back at Jay when she walked out of the café. She needed to admit that there was a building curiosity inside of her that for a moment, she wanted to ignore her upcoming deadlines and hang out with Jay and Junho that night.

“I must have been crazy for thinking of sacrificing my scholarship,” Hyosung cursed to herself.

 

---