"Meet me at our usual restaurant."

 

Those simple words keeps playing inside Seungwan's mind. After all these years, she couldn't help but wonder why that person still has such imperishable power on her. Once she got the message, she had initially decided to not go. She doesn't want to endure reliving her past with that particular person. Especially in the form of great memories.

 

"Just go, Seungwan. To make it all clear. Do this for us. No, do it for you."

 

"But Sooyoung..."

 

"No buts. It's been two years. It's a good thing that Joohyun's the one initiated the meeting."

 

"You have a point, but—"

 

"No buts."

 

Her past conversation with Sooyoung comes as a relief in her mind as she drives to the restaurant. Seungwan doesn't disagree at all with what the latter said. In fact, if it isn't because of Sooyoung, she might not want to go and meet her past. She's afraid of getting back again in the nostalgic endless loop of questions that this person bombared to her. All the signs that she probably took too far.

 

"Wan, she bought her partner a friendship ring. Don't you want to buy us too?"

 

"My family asked why I do not have any boyfriend. And my mom said it's because I hang a lot with you. We're gonna make great girlfriends."

 

"Seungwan, let's move to Aussie. They've legalized same- unions."

 

"Bloody hell," Seungwan mutters to herself. She hates feeling dumb. She knows her feelings were valid and it's normal to be very comfortable with the one you thought at first as mere best friend. Seungwan's state of mind gets distracted with a ring from her phone. It's Sooyoung.

 

"Hi babe," Seungwan says.

 

"If you could still pick this up, meaning you haven't arrived at the crime scene."

 

Seungwan just laughs at Sooyoung's remark. This woman is indeed something.

 

"Why do you call, boo?"

 

"Why else? Use that big brain of yours, smartie."

 

"I don't know. You want me to bring you food later?"

 

"Aish. Not that, but yes please if you want to."

 

"Very well. I'm already near the restaurant."

 

"Okay," Sooyoung says. "And Seungwan..."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Whatever happening after tonight, I know it's the best for you and also for me. Be brave, Seungwan. You can do this. And don't forget to tell me anything afterwards, okay?"

 

Seungwan smiles, "I will. Thank you babe. I really wish you're here with me. I wanna kiss you so bad."

 

"I love it when you're being bold like this. Being with me has its good perks, don't you think?"

 

"Whatever you say, Park Sooyoung." Seungwan shakes her head to Sooyoung's remark.

 

Sooyoung's right though, she indeed gives Seungwan so many good perks after one month being official and having five months beforehand full of courting and casual dating. At least, Seungwan could start to relive her life without having burdened by her past. which is not an easy task at all.

 

Days of longing, failed dates, and stressing on the could-have-beens have stressed her. She's glad she met Sooyoung afterwards. Sooyoung can understand that Seungwan needs some time to leave her past and doesn't add any pressing worries. And being with the lively nature of Sooyoung can make Seungwan feels her present moments without any burdening past.

 

---

 

When Seungwan arrives at the restaurant, that person had already arrived. Sitting soundly sipping her cup.

 

"Sorry to make you wait," Seungwan says as she sits in front of that person.

 

"Not at all. I'm the one being early."

 

Seungwan nods and looks at the menu without saying anything to the person in front of her. She calls the waitress.

 

"I'm gonna have the special pasta with mushroom and your tea of the day," Seungwan says to the waitress and turns to the woman in front. "Have you eaten, Hyu— Joohyun?"

 

Seungwan wants to facepalm herself after almost blurting the nickname.

 

"I'm not hungry. Thanks."

 

Seungwan then proceeds to finish her order and thanks the waitress. She turns her head once again to the woman in front of her. The woman's aura doesn't change, still having the poised and elegant trait that no human would ever deny.

Nonetheless, the sight of Joohyun no longer makes her swoon or even made her heart beats fast. Good start of the evening for Seungwan.

 

"So... How's life?" Joohyun initiates the conversation.

 

Seungwan tries her best to calm herself down. She wants to make everything clear tonight. She doesn't want to relive the lingering feelings.

 

"Good. I guess you're doing good too, right?"

 

"I am. Thanks."

 

"And?"

 

"And what?"

 

Seungwan hates the wordplay Joohyun loves to use even in harmless conversation. She's had enough of being dense and giving her way for Joohyun. Not after what happened two years ago.

 

"After our last meeting two years ago, you suddenly wanted to meet me again. What do you want to tell me?"

 

"I just want to say that I'm currently dating someone."

 

That's all? She could've told me via phone, Seungwan mutters to herself.

 

"Good for you and your new partner. Congrats."

 

"Thank you. And I'm sorry."

 

"For what?"

 

Joohyun sips her tea again.

 

"For telling you this."

 

"And why are you sorry?"

 

"I just feel like saying it to you... Especially after what happened two years ago."

 

"That was two years ago, Joohyun. I'm fine. More than fine. And I see on SNS that you're doing fine too."

 

"I hid you."

"You what?"

 

"I hid you from my Instagram and Twitter account."

 

Seungwan's confused. She was the one being rejected but she wonders why Joohyun hid her. Unless the two-year-ago thing impacted Joohyun in a level Seungwan hasn't even wondered.

 

"Why? Do my life updates bother you?"

 

"No. To be frank, I don't know the answer to your question."

 

"Why are you doing this?" Seungwan asks again, not really know what Joohyun intends to do.

 

"What do you mean, Wan?"

 

She wants today to be the day. The day where she can finally close an important chapter of her life and moves on to the new chapter. She couldn't afford anymore to succumb and let her life flow without any control.

 

"Why are you telling me this after those two years? You know how hurt I was when you rejected me?"

 

"Seungwan, I—"

 

"You were always the one giving me bloody signs that you wanted more than friends. I tried my best to bury my own feelings as I was not sure whether you were ready for a more elevated same- relationship. Yet you were the one who pushed me to my limit until we kissed and even made love after the concert. Yet you were the one who left me because you said I was only your friend. Stop playing, Bae Joohyun. I've had enough."

 

Slowly, Joohyun reaches to hold Seungwan's hand. As much as Seungwan wanted to let the latter's hand go, she couldn't. After all, Bae Joohyun was someone major in her life. She was someone who filled almost the entirety of her college life. Best moments in a lifetime, college life, Bae Joohyun.

 

"That's why, Wan-ah." Joohyun says, her eyes mellow. "I'm sorry. Please, let me make it up to you."

 

"I think that's not necessary anymore."

 

"Only this time. I can assure you that."

 

Tears welling up in the corner of Joohyun's soft eyes and Seungwan's guard is torn down slowly. As much as she wants to live apart from Joohyun, she couldn't do it easily. The intense four years of romantic frienship did indeed give her an undescribable impact.

 

"Fine. But this time only."

 

"You're always the best, Wan-ah."

 

Not with that kind of compliment, Bae.

 

---

 

Joohyun just wants to go to the city park. A place where the two women often used to spend time walking, holding hands, and telling each other stories.

 

"If you want to bring me here, then I guess you have a lot of stories to tell don't you?"

 

The two walk hand-in-hand in a quiet surrounding and with soft spring breeze.

 

"I'm really amazed to see you become more and more confident, Wan-ah. You changed a lot."

 

Dating Park Sooyoung indeed had some effects, Seungwan thinks to herself.

 

"Is that a good or bad thing?"

 

"You want some honest answers?"

 

"Oh come on, Hyun."

 

Seungwan curses silently as she let out that nickname. Joohyun lets out a slight smile.

 

"It's a bad thing. I hope you were this bold before."

 

"What do you mean—"

 

"The reason why I took some time and didn't accept your confession was because I saw no certainty in you. For me, you lacked confidence. If only you didn't make me wait for 1 hour just to say that you have a more-than-friends feeling to me, I might have accepted your confession easily."

 

If only was the word Seungwan hates the most other than almost. The phrase has done damage and tricks toward Seungwan's mind. She hates probabilities. She hates the unfateful chances.

 

Seungwan takes deep and closes her eyes and let her mind calms down before her flash of memories comes and eats her alive.

 

"Fair enough. That still doesn't explain why you didn't answer my confession directly yet kept on teasing me until we kissed and... we even made love. Before you frankly said no because you said I'm your friend and you can't date a friend."

 

"I was confused. With myself, with you. I loved you Seungwan. Very much. Even more than friends do. But I don't know where this would bring. I thought to myself, 'What if I hurt you?' 'What if we broke up?' So many what ifs. I was afraid."

 

"Why didn't you tell me? We could try to make this up, Hyun. Together."

 

"I was not sure of you, Wan-ah. I loved you. And perhaps I still do, but you weren't even sure with yourself. You didn't even follow me up."

 

"Don't make this hard on me, Hyun. How could you know? You didn't even ask. It's not good to assume, Hyun. Come on..."

 

"Well, it's in the past now. Nothing we can do, right? I'm sorry."

 

Seungwan gets even more confused. After all this time, she thought Joohyun rejected her just because she was her bestfriend and the possibility of going with their first same- relationship.

 

But no, Joohyun could actually say yes if she tried harder. She wants to curse herself for not trying harder but the past two years have taught her a lot of letting go. She tries her best to not let her past eats her present mind alive.

 

"Okay. What else now?"

 

"Can we just sit?"

 

"Sure."

 

The two women then continue to have a walk, enjoy the beautfiul park lights, and sit on the bench. Seungwan couldn't help but to remember her past self. She suddenly remembered how she got breakdown in the park because she failed her debate competition and Joohyun was there to soothe her. She was indeed a crybaby. That's probably another reason on why Joohyun was not sure of her, or not. She doesn't know. In fact, she wants to stop thinking about the past. But having Joohyun here beside her makes the errand even harder.

 

"Tell me about your current life, Wan-ah." Joohyun's words stop her disturbed mind. "How do you do?"

 

"Fine. Nothing much. Work's good, life's good. You?"

 

"Same. Nothing's extraordinary. Still working at that securities company? This year's your second year, right?"

 

"It is. Not the most fun experiences but it pays for recording studios."

 

"Speaking about recording I watched one of your latest song covers."

 

"You did?"

 

"One of my favourites is when you sang Do You Love Me? by Taeyeon. I like the song but I like your version more, Wan-ah. It feels magical but sad at the same time."

 

Seungwan's surprised that Joohyun still follows the updates of her creative works. And the reason why she chose that particular song was because that day, out of nowhere, she missed Joohyun.

 

Look here by myself

It’s been a long time since I only looked at you

Nobody knows how I feel, I’ve never said it

 

The song explained Seungwan's emotion all the way. And it was after Taeyeon's concert that the two finally shared a kiss full of longing desire. The kiss that escalated all the confusions, liberties, until the two women shared their night together devouring each other like there was no tomorrow. And indeed, there was no tomorrow for that day. Everything about their friendship went downhill.

 

Seungwan has achieved to not always thinking about that moment. However, the feeling and even the tiny blurry details are still there even after two years. One of her most precious experiences in life.

 

For her, Joohyun was like an angel flying too close to the ground. As a matter of fact, she still felt unreal about that night. She was fulfilled with the thoughts of how her romantic friendship could turn into something even more magical and eternal. Seungwan learned the hard way that some things are too good to be true.

 

"My goodness, you watched it? Thank you, Joohyun."

 

"I never skipped your song covers, Wan-ah."

 

Stop spilling everything, please. "Should I take that as a compliment?"

"Up to you. You're the artist anyway."

 

"Gonna take that as a compliment, then. One's gotta have a personal pursuit in this bloody capitalistic world."

 

"I don't see the correlation with that..." Joohyun says, lines forming between her eyebrows. "And you're working in one of the most capitalist industries in the world!"

 

"You have a great point. I do indeed work in probably the most capitalist industry. Hell, I trade stocks of a lot of unethical companies. But still, it pays my life well. And since it pays well and I do have my personal battle about the work I'm doing, I gotta have some personal escape. All those song covers are like my safe haven. You get what I mean?"

 

"I get what you mean. It's so hard to leave the unethical things on earth."

 

"It's always easier than done. Even in the most ethical institutions, well... We hear a lot of scandals and incomprehensible things."

 

Joohyun laughs, "I love how we talk about life like this. It's getting harder to be a total naive and righteous person as you get older, no? Your mind could not get into its purest form."

 

She's right, Seungwan says to herself. It's so hard to take everything in a simple way without putting any additional thoughts and feelings.

 

She misses evening talks like this, the ones she could never do with Sooyoung as the latter's not the type to think thoroughly on everything they talk about. Unlike Joohyun, the thinker type. The woman never fails to make Seungwan think and go deep within her thoughts.

 

"I agree. I guess that's just the perks of life. How I wish to be back as innocent as our childhood. Where everything seems so simple. Where I thought being a singer is about loving to sing."

 

"You still post that weekly cover of yours so I guess you still have that innocence, Wan-ah. You never fail to make me proud with your talent and persistence. Even with the amount of work you have to face."

 

Seungwan couldn't help but to form a smile on Joohyun's remark. Joohyun's compliments were her main fuel for her to keep on her singing dream. She now realized what she lost on the past two years. One of them is Joohyun's appreciations. Whenever those simple words came out from Joohyun's mouth, Seungwan would be lighten up like a worldly critique gave praise to her. And she still does.

 

She thought she would be customary with Joohyun's remarks. But turns out, she isn't.

 

"Thanks Joohyun. I really mean it. Knowing you still want to hear my voice is kinda surprising."

 

"It shouldn't come out as surprise. Your voice is a godsent."

 

"Stop it you tease," Seungwan lets out a sly smile. "But thanks once again. Enough about me. How's life now?"

 

"Pretty good."

 

"Still working on that same NGO?"

 

"Yeah, I am. Works been tough especially after the pandemic but overall good."

 

"Of course. You're working in such ethical and goodwill corporations."

 

"Not until you know about the insiders' corruption scandal—"

 

"Wait what?"

 

"As you said before," Joohyun says. "Even in the ethical institutions, scandals are inevitable."

 

"Sorry to hear about that, Hyun."

 

"Don't be. Humans are deemed to change. Either for better or worse. In my workmates' case, they turn out to be worse. That's outrageous but there's nothing to be sorry about."

 

"Stop being so positive, Hyun. You should be mad."

 

"You're the one who always tells me to be positive, Wan-ah. It was hard but nowadays I find it better to have such positive outlook."

 

"Thank you but stop praising me, Hyun."

 

"Why? You deserved it. After all, it's been awhile since we talked like this."

 

Seungwan couldn't agree more. She's just being afraid if she can't control herself. Talking with Joohyun in the evening on their favorite park with a sweet spring breeze, looking at the woman's doe-yet-dreamy eyes in a short proximity, looking at the woman's lovely mole, looking at the woman's soft lips and warm smile whenever she speak.

 

Seungwan's decided to do something.

 

"Indeed. I think it's getting late now. Tomorrow's monday anyway, let me get you back home."

 

It's best to stop before everything comes full circle.

 

"You're right. Let's go."

 

---

 

Silence wins the way toward Joohyun's home. The two do not share a talk. Seungwan doesn't even play a tune on the radio. She actually has a lot of things on her mind. On whether what to do. On every possibilities that might happen today.

 

"Thanks for the ride," Joohyun says after they arrived in front of her apartment.

 

"Pleasure is mine. Thank you for the talk."

 

"Don't you wanna go upstairs?" Joohyun unclaps her seatbelt.

 

. "No thank you, I gotta be early tomorrow. It's late."

 

"Seungwan, the reason why I want to meet you again today... is because I want to try again with you."

 

Seungwan doesn't expect Joohyun to blurt anymore truth that can even boggle her mind more. "Don't you say you're seeing someone at the moment?"

 

"I am... But that turns out heightens my feeling to you."

 

"What do you mean, Joohyun?"

 

"I love you. I regretted everything that happened two years ago. I'm in a deep hole. Turns out everything that I do still reminds me a lot of you."

 

"Hyun—"

 

"Don't you want to try it again?"

 

"Please—"

 

"With our present selves. With a more confident version of Son Seungwan. I'm ready to start it over with you. Even that means I'm leaving my girlfriend."

 

"Where were you two years ago, Hyun?"

 

"I was confused, Wan-ah."

 

"I've already moved on. It wasn't a piece of cake but—"

 

"What's stopping you, Seungwan? Tell me," Joohyun holds Seungwan's face. Seungwan hates being in that situation. It's so annoying being in such unfortunate timing. "At least, allow me to taste your lips again..."

 

"Hyun—"

 

Joohyun moves and goes to seal her lips with Seungwan's.

 

Everything about the kiss reminds Seungwan of a fateful night where they melt with each other with nothing to stop them. Seungwan can't think straight and deepens the kiss. She misses Joohyun. Her quality kiss, her cherry chapsticks, her soft pair of lips, it's like being intoxicated again.

 

Seungwan realizes that she loves everything about Joohyun, she loves the talks, she even loves being played with Joohyun's wordplay. Everything that happens on that evening brings all the memories and desperations.

 

She moves her lips down Joohyun's chin and neck. Biting every inch of the woman's skin. And Seungwan's hands slowly move to open Joohyun's blouse buttons.

 

"Whatever happening after tonight," Joohyun says, panting with every kisses that Seungwan pours onto her. "I know it's the best for you and also for me."

 

Seungwan stops. She pulls her face back from Joohyun's face.

 

"Whatever happening after tonight, I know it's the best for you and also for me. Be brave, Seungwan. You can do this. And don't forget to tell me anything afterwards, okay?"

 

The thought of Sooyoung's last conversation comes into her mind. 

 

"I'm sorry Joohyun, but I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I've got Sooyoung now." Seungwan says, her eyes shut, she can feel the tensed muscles on her head. 

 

Joohyun lets a tear out. A sight that Seungwan really hates to see, "So that's it?"

 

"I'm sorry but that's it." Seungwan kisses Joohyun's temple. "It's the best for us. If I can let go, you can do it too, best friend."

 

"You're right. I'm sorry I was being selfish. I just don't wanna regret of not trying again."

 

They share a goodbye hug. It's like they have never been apart, as they embrace with such intensity. Their arms clasp around each other and press their chests together, as warm tears flow down their cheeks. Neither want to let go, but they must.

"I understand."

 

---

 

On the way to Sooyoung's home, Seungwan couldn't control her tears. She cries so hard. Emptying every single teardrop like a baby.

 

Before she knocks on Sooyoung's door she tries to make sure that no apparent sign of her crying. It is actually not the best kind of effort she does. When Sooyoung finally opens the door and sees Seungwan, Seungwan knows that Sooyoung has so many things to be asked.

 

"Hi Babe—"

 

Before Seungwan lets out another word, Sooyoung pulls her in a deep embrace. Seungwan couldn't hide the fact that she cried as her tears flow again now on Sooyoung's shoulder. At least, she feels safe. She doesn't know whether she made the right choice, but Sooyoung's embrace makes her calm.

Seungwan may never feel butterflies as she did with Joohyun.

But she knows she can trust that Sooyoung will always give her love like the bright woman's giving now.

And she knows hers will grow for Sooyoung in time.

It was so close to being in love again... But at least, Seungwan's feeling loved and Sooyoung doesn't make her cry. That's enough for now.