Stuck.
Come and Find Me in the Clouds
The sun was setting, bidding goodbye to the busy city full of life where office workers were on their way to get drinks with colleagues, students were rushing to cram school and mothers were hurrying home to prepare dinner. Meanwhile, Jinyoung lay listlessly on the floor of his studio flat, staring at the ceiling. He was unsure how long he had been in that position, however judging by how the lights were all switched off, it meant that he had been unmoving on the ground from way before when the sun was still shining proudly in the sky.
Feeling his arms going numb, Jinyoung pushed himself up and dragged his fatigued body towards the balcony. His limbs were heavy and his muscles felt sore despite the fact he had done utterly nothing the whole day. Breathing in the evening air, Jinyoung wondered how long it would take for his body to rot away at this rate.
Leaning against the balcony railing, Jinyoung’s eyes wandered towards the sky where clouds were floating around in an idle manner, reminding Jinyoung very much of himself.
“No…” Jinyoung whispered to himself. “Clouds are free and without any constraints. I’m just stuck…”
Thinking of clouds, Jinyoung relived his visit to Gureum and for some bizarre reason, Youngsoon’s smile surfaced to the forefront, refusing to leave. Of all the things that were memorable about that day, it was Youngsoon’s snow covered plum blossom smile that was engrained in Jinyoung’s mind the most. At the thought of facing that gentle yet disciplined smile again caused Jinyoung to frown and massage his throat in an attempt to remove the blockage.
This time too he was not given the opportunity to dislodge the imaginary fish bone because the ringing of his phone forced his attention towards the forgotten device that laid on the ground. Exhaling loudly, Jinyoung shuffled back inside but failed to reach the phone in time as the caller had given up. Dropping onto the floor, Jinyoung stared at the now silent phone with hesitation, feeling threatened by the flashing green LED light at the top corner. That small metal device was his key connection to the outside world, his key connection to his old life, his key connection to society. Yet in this very moment, he was not sure whether he wanted to be connected at all. However, the more he tried to run away from it all, the more suffocated he felt, and the more suffocated he felt, the more he ran away, thus leading him into an endless cycle.
A loud ‘ping’ echoed, causing Jinyoung to jolt in surprise. Reaching for his phone, he saw a message from Youngjae, reminding him of their plans to catch up over drinks together with Jaebum. It was then that Jinyoung realised he had five missed calls, all from Youngjae. Jinyoung’s finger hovered over the reply button, uncertainty draping over his shoulders as the mere thought of putting on his shoes and leaving his flat felt like an insurmountable task.
Jinyoung’s senses were suddenly heightened and the screen of his phone became too bright for his eyes to handle in the dark and unlit room. Blinking slowly to clear up his hazy vision, Jinyoung’s eyes landed on his unkept bed upstairs before following the trail of discarded clothes down the staircase that led to the sofa.
The longer he stared at the chain of clothes, the more it felt as though they were coming to life, snaking towards Jinyoung and ready to suffocate him like a boa constrictor capturing its prey. Although it was all in his head, Jinyoung found it harder and harder to breathe. Ripping his eyes away from the imaginary boa, the struggling male crawled to the bathroom and clumsily opened the faucet before throwing his head under the water, letting the cold liquid clear his mind and bring him back to reality.
Lifting his head and staring at the familiar yet alien face that stared back at him in the mirror, Jinyoung focused on the sensation of the water droplets scurrying down his skin. Jinyoung reached for a towel and dried his face before carelessly throwing it aside and stumbled towards his closet to find a change of clothes. If before he was hesitant on leaving his flat, how he was convinced that he could not remain indoors much longer. Plus, what could possibly go wrong by having a few drinks with his good friends?
・・・
The place Youngjae had chosen was the fried chicken and beer restaurant they used to go often during their university days and still frequented after they started working. It was a familiar place that brought back numerous memories though Jinyoung was unsure whether that was something positive or negative for his current state.
Jinyoung and Jaebum go all the way back to high school and remained good friends since they attended the same university and that was where they met Youngjae. The three of them bonded and became rather inseparable as Youngjae balanced out the other two males. Fate seemed especially keen on keeping Jinyoung and Jaebum together though as after graduation they had entered the same electronics company while Youngjae had joined a publishing company.
“Park Jinyoung!” Youngjae’s unmistakable voice rung through the noisy chatter that filled the busy chicken restaur
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