If this night is all we have then I'll do all I can to make you feel all my love. 

You know, I never thought we'd get to this point. 

As we stand on this bridge, looking over the river, I remember the time when I thought to myself that you are the woman I'm going to marry. 

And you know what? Even now, on this road leading to the end, on this final night before I lose you, I know in my heart that there's nothing else I'm still going to always be sure about. 

I won't get to keep you, and I won't try to hold on to you but I know, you're it for me. 

Now, I know what you're thinking, it's probably something along the lines of "if you're so sure of that then how did we get here?" and truth be told? I'm not sure either. 

One day, we were good, all loving and clingy and happy then come the next, it felt like you were in so much pain to even be near me. Maybe it was something I did, maybe it's just life, but whatever it is, you and I are here, at the point just before goodbye and my heart is breaking as I commit to memory the way you look right here beside me on this moonlit night, in the same place where I once asked you for forever and we once promised to each other that we'll move forward in life together. Or that's what I tell myself to make me feel better. 

It's been years since we last came here and it's funny to think that this trip was supposed to be a happy one. You told me before that you loved it here, that you love how happy I look whenever I'm here, how free I act, how relaxed I am. I guess I never told you that I'm only all of that because I'm with you, and now I'll never be able to tell you. 

That's too cruel of a weight to let you bear. 

Paris has always been our place, the one space where we could just be who we are, as unapologetic as we could possibly be, even just for a little while. We'd prance around the place as if we were the only people in it, so buoyed by love and filled with peace that we get to pretend, even just for a moment, that this is all that matters. 

And so, maybe that's why we're here again. Maybe that's why even if we have not spoken about it, I think we both know what's to come with daybreak. Another goodbye, this time feeling more absolute. 

I don't know what possessed me to ask you for this time again. We've just started to be allowed to travel again and for some reason, it's as if the fates aligned and allowed us to have these few days together, away from it all, or as away as we could possibly be. A delusion, I know. Seeing as you spend the last few days here with her. But still, one could dream, just for a moment. 

It was your big moment, you finally get the chance to see the Dior show in person, after a couple of years of doing so remotely, and my goodness, I don't think I'll ever tire of telling you just how absolutely exquisite you looked that day. Well, in my head I'm telling you all of that. I requested to fly in a little earlier, just around the tail end of your schedule, so that we could have these wonderfully painful days together and as much as I thought I'd regret these, I know I'd regret not having it more. I remember how you looked when I told you about it, a sad smile gracing your lips as you looked at me with those sad eyes, I could never bear seeing. 

"Just like the old times, right?" you asked me forlornly. 

I nodded my head, a bittersweet smile also painting my lips. "Just like the old times." 

"Paris is ours still?" 

"Always." 

And yet, I saw your posts on social media a couple of days ago. You looked so happy.

With her. 

Eiffel was so bright and shining behind you but all I could see were the shine in your eyes, the sheer joy of seeing your wish come to life right in front of you, the realization of something you’ve longed for for so long actually being within reach. 

You looked so alive, love. You look so loved. 

Do you remember when we talked about going to see the Tower together before? You had this look in your eyes that made me sure that it would be my lifelong dream to take you there. 

Scratch that, that it would be my lifelong dream to see you there. 

And now you’re there, making our dream your own and seeing it come to fruition. 

I sit here writing another letter I know I’ll never send because it’s the only way I’ll ever be able to say words that I could otherwise never express. 

Rather, I sit here writing another letter I might never remember.

And my love, you deserve to be remembered. 

Everything about you deserves to be carved into the deepest recesses of my memory and the biggest parts of my heart. 

And I’ve tried, so much, to hold onto every bit of you, every bit of us I still can. But I’m sorry I didn’t try to hold on to you anymore.

Work was hectic and things were terrible between us when I found out about this illness of mine, it's just beginning but I've seen what it could do, what I could lose, and I don't want to burden you like that. So I pulled away. 

Biggest mistake of my life. 

There's pain in knowing that someday I will forget this all, but there's an even greater pain in losing you without letting you know. I know I owe you an explanation and yet, I can't bear to let you know. 

I'm too much of a coward to actually tell you, never running out of ways and excuses to justify this choice I so selfishly made. 

And so I pushed you away. 

Slowly.