o22 || guilt
the pursuit of happiness"A-appa?"
Jaehyun hugged the boy as he cried. The kid must've been in so much fear.
"Hey, hey, it's fine, it's fine. You're fine, you're okay, you're safe. Look, baby… Appa is here, buddy, calm down," Jaehyun caressed his hair as the boy trembled in his arms. He could hear the boy mumbling as he cried.
Jaehyun pulled back and wiped Jeno's tears.
"What's wrong?"
"Ma? Yerim ma? Yerim imo?"
Dejun was right. Jeno really called her his mother, probably because he also heard her calling him her son.
"She's next door. She is sleeping."
"Last night she was bleeding. There's so much red and she cried, appa," Jeno cried again as he remembered the sight of Yerim on the side of the road, resisting the paramedics, crying helplessly.
"I know, I know, baby. You must've been scared and worried. That's why we have to pray, alright? That Yerim imo will be okay," Jaehyun said gently and felt the boy nodded.
The door opened, showing Dejun who gave them a tired smile.
"I could barely sleep. I told our friends. They were all worried but I told them to give you privacy. Lucas said your family and his will be departing to Seoul this morning."
"Thanks, Jun. I owe you a lot."
"It's nothing. It’s my job as an orthopaedic surgeon, and I want to do it for you and Yerim noona. Have you eaten breakfast? It's nearing eight. Your son will have to eat breakfast too. It will be served soon."
"Ah, I'm not really hungry," Jaehyun answered tiredly.
"I know, hyung. I know you can't possibly have an appetite right now. But you have to eat and be strong for your family. Go to the cafeteria, grab a sandwich or something. I'll stay here with the kids. I'm going to check up on Jeno too, see if the stitch is doing well," Dejun said as approached the bed.
Jaehyun reluctantly nodded and kissed Jeno's head before leaving the room silently.
Coffee. He needs coffee.
Dark. It was dark.
People.
Ambulance sound.
Babies crying.
She wanted to move, she wanted to run, but all she could see was the sight of them being carried to the ambulance.
And then there was darkness again.
She closed her eyes again, wanting to sit up when she felt her whole body ached. She shot her eyes open, and she took in her surroundings.
Her body in a hospital gown.
She screamed.
It wasn't a nightmare.
Dejun jolted on his seat when he heard a loud scream coming from Yerim's room. Jeno looked up from his porridge, a bit scared.
"Wait here, okay, samchon will check," He calmed the boy down before going through the connecting door to Yerim's ward.
He opened the door to see Yerim trying to climb down from her hospital bed. She was crying uncontrollably.
"Yerim noona, Yerim noona, calm down!" Dejun approached her immediately.
Yerim looked up to see the familiar face of one of her younger friends.
"D-Dejun? Is this the hospital? J-Jeno? Sungchan? W-where are they?" She stammered, gripping onto Dejun's sleeves tightly.
"Noona, relax. You're in the hospital, yes. The kids are fine, they're okay—"
"W-where are they? Gosh, it was all my fault," she rambled.
Xiaojun sighed before helping the woman walk to the next room.
"Yerim maa!"
Dejun sighed at her hysterical cries.
"I'm sorry… It was all my fault… You don't deserve to experience this," Yerim sobbed as she cradled Jeno's face.
Yerim turned around to see Jaehyun's tired face and her tears streamed down even more.
Jaehyun sighed and pulled her into his arms, being careful not to crush her casted left arm.
"Hey, hey, Yerim… Shh... It's okay..."
"What? No, Rim, listen—"
"No, it was my fault! I was at fault!"
"Guys... maybe you can finish your… er… discussion, in Yerim noona's room. Jeno has to continue his breakfast and take his medicine. I'll be here with him," Dejun said.
"Come here, you need to rest too," Jaehyun sighed as he put an arm around her waist to lead her back to her room.
He rubbed her back soothingly as she sobbed, continuously apologizing for something that wasn't even her fault to begin with.
"Jaehyun, I'm really sorry it was my fault, I put your sons in danger," she hiccupped as she gripped his arm tightly.
"Yerim… It wasn't your fault. If anything, you saved them. And put yourself in danger in return. A sick, drunk, bastard did that. Not you."
Yerim shook her head, "No, Jaehyun, No… This was the second time. Last time there was also a drunk driving accident, right? My father was right, I indeed bring bad luck to people around me. Maybe I shouldn't go back to Korea. I should've stayed in Japan. Oh God, Jaehyun, I'm so sorry. It w—"
"It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. I said it once. And I'm going to say it a thousand more times if I had to. You saved my children, Yerim. You saved them."
Yerim shook her head vehemently, "No, I didn't, Jaehyun. Look at Jeno. He… he... I ruined him. He was younger than I was when this happened. He was not supposed to experience this."
"I know, Yerim. But if you didn't turn the car around… gosh, I don't even want to think what would happen. Don't be too hard on yourself. The accident was out of your control."
"No… Jaehyun, No!" She weakly protested.
"Yerim…"
"Try putting yourself in my shoes. There must've been a reason why this happened to me twice."
Jaehyun shook his head, "Let's not talk about this. Come here," he said as he pulled her back into his embrace. He rubbed her back as she continued to cry silently, until she passed out from crying too much.
Jaehyun looked up to see Dejun entering the room silently.
"She kept blaming herself, Jun."
"What? I mean... why? It was clearly not her fault," Dejun furrowed his brow as he sat on the chair across Jaehyun who was sitting at the edge of the bed.
"Twenty years ago... she lost her mother in a car accident. Caused by a drunk driver."
Dejun sighed, "And she blamed herself for that too?"
"Initially she didn't. She was only 8 when it happened. But her family did. She was quickly removed from the family registry of her mother's side. And her father's side... is on their way to do the same thing until now."
"It doesn't make sense, hyung. She was a kid!"
"I know. There's a reason she escaped to Japan for ten years without notice. That was… part of it."
Dejun sighed in despair.
"By the way, hyung… Have you told her family? About this accident?"
Jaehyun gulped. He hasn't.
The Jungs entered the hospital in a rush. They have finally arrived in Seoul and they're totally worried about Yerim and the kids.
"Appa, eomma, Woo," Jaehyun stood up from the chair next to Jeno's bed.
"Oh my dear, Jeno-ya!"
"Halmae!"
"He's okay, right?"
Dejun, who was standing beside Jaehyun, nodded.
"Yes, imo. He can be discharged this afternoon."
"Oh, Dejun! Thank you for taking care of our family," Mr. Jung shook his hands and Dejun bowed respectfully.
"And Yerim noona… how is she?" Jungwoo spoke up.
Jaehyun turned to Dejun, letting the younger do the explaining job.
"Is she traumatized?" Jungwoo asked.
"Eomma? You knew?" Jaehyun gaped in shock.
"That night when Yerim stayed in our place… When you came to the garden she was crying, right? She told me the story that time. Oh, poor girl…."
"Can we see her?" Jungwoo asked Dejun.
"I guess...? But please don't be too loud because I think it'll overwhelm her."
"Okay. Let's go in."
"Rim, honey? You're awake? My parents are here to see you," Jaehyun said softly as he brushed her hair softly, finally catching her attention.
"I-Imo…"
"Sweetheart…" Mrs. Jung approached her and gave her a light hug.
Yerim broke down again, going into a full-blown sobbing mode almost immediately.
"Sweetheart, Yerim, my dear… I've told you before it's not your fault. We were so glad you were okay. It was not your fault, okay?"
Yerim shook her head, "I still feel sorry…"
"Noona... they are fine. The kids are fine. They're being discharged today," Jungwoo stepped up.
Yerim looked up and smiled, "Thank god… Thank god. Thank god, they're fine..."
"Please regain your health quickly, okay? You're precious to us, Yerim," Mr. Jung said softly.
Yerim nodded weakly.
Jaehyun watched as his children slept and sighed in relief. He’s glad they're safe in their family house now. All he had to focus on now was Yerim.
He tears his own hair in frustration.
He missed her. He's worried about her. He's scared for her. He needs to see her.
But she wanted space and he didn't want to be selfish. He sighed and harshly rubbed his own face. He's going crazy.
"Oh, Woo."
"Why are you still here? Yerim noona needs you," Jungwoo said as he peeked into his brother's room.
"She… told me to go home. She insisted the kids need me."
"There's me, eomma, and appa here. It's enough people to take care of the children. Yerim noona had nobody in the hospital. Can you imagine how scared she is?"
"But she…"
"Just go. You will only lose your sanity if you keep being cooped in here. Go. Shoo!"
Jaehyun nodded in realization.
"Go. I'll take care of your kids."
"Woo… thanks. A lot."
Yerim stared at the cracked screen of her phone. The nurse notified that her belongings were kept inside the drawer.
She decided to call him anyway. There's nothing to lose...aside from a small piece of her pride and sanity.
She pressed his number and waited until the call went through.
"Why are you calling? It was good enough that you disappeared for the past months."
"I-I… I got into an accident… abeoji."
"Wow. Any other person you hurt this time? It's a miracle you're still alive. Such bad luck you are."
"A-abeoji…"
"What? You need money for the hospital? Look, you should have died instead while you're at it. You're wasting my time, I'm gonna end the call. No need to contact us unless you're bringing in news of marriage."
Her father was probably right. She always brings bad luck to the people around her. She should have just died instead.
She let the phone fall from her hand. She needs air. She can't stand this place. With trembling legs, she stepped down from the bed and walked to the door. She opened the door and was instantly met with a circulating nurse.
"I... I can't stand being cooped inside. It's killing me. I need air," she begged, her voice cracking as she did so.
"Miss... please go back to your room, okay?"
"Nurse... Please... C-can't I?"
"Rim? What are you doing outside?" He asked as he approached her side.
"I... I need air. Please... I'm dying inside," she begged the nurse, ignoring Jaehyun completely.
"I'm sorry, ma'am? Uhm, maybe I can take her out in a wheelchair. I'm her legal guardian," Jaehyun interjected, showing his hospital guardian card.
The nurse reluctantly nodded and Jaehyun bowed to her before fetching a wheelchair from a nearby nurse station.
"Come sit down, I'll push you," he said to Yerim softly.
"No... I need to walk, I need… I need to clear my head," she rambled.
"I'll take you outside. Please sit, Rim," Jaehyun coaxed her as he pushed her gently to the wheelchair. She sat down reluctantly and let Jaehyun push her around.
"Yerim, is there anything wrong?" He asked her gently.
"H-huh?"
Jaehyun sighed as he cupped her face. "Is there anything wrong, sweetheart."
Yerim stared down at her lap, not sure whether she should tell Jaehyun about the conversation earlier with her father.
"You know you can tell me anything, right? I promised you from the start that I will always be there for you, Rim," he caressed her cheek gently.
Jaehyun took her hands and gave it a squeeze.
She sighed as she finally answered, "Jae, I... I called my father."
Jaehyun decided to collect himself first before responding. He knew her father was a sensitive topic.
"Okay, and then?" He asked softly as his thumb rubbed comforting circles on her knuckles.
"He...said I'm bad luck… and I should have… d-died instead."
Jaehyun immediately reached forward and picked her up from her wheelchair to settle her down on his lap carefully, so he wouldn't hurt her casted arm.
"Yerim... Look at me. You are an amazing woman. You saved my children. You are neither bad luck nor you should die. I love you so much. My sons love you so much. You are loved, Yerim. You are not alone," he said so softly Yerim felt guilty hearing it.
"I feel bad for you. I was always a burden to you and your family," she mumbled.
"Come here, love," Jaehyun pulled her into his embrace and rubbed her back comfortingly.
"You are never a burden to me. Okay?"
Yerim sobbed into his neck as she hugged his shoulders with her one uninjured arm.
"Thank you so much, Jaehyun. I owe you the world. I love you so much," she whispered.
Jaehyun smiled and hugged her tighter.
"Everything's gonna be okay, Rim. It'll all be okay. You'll be okay."
Yerim pulled back to see his face. Jaehyun and his soft loving eyes, his dimpled cheeks, his sweet smile.
"I missed you," she blurted out.
"Oh, love, you don't know how crazy I was being in Taipei without you and the kids," he sighed as he hugged her again.
She took a deep breath, inhaling his scent, and absorbing his warmth.
"After you're discharged, stay at my house for a while, won't you? I… I just need to see you or else I will go insane," he stammered.
"Jaehyun.. I don't want to be a burd—"
"Not being able to see you and making sure you're alright will be the burden for me. Please, Yerim. Just… please?"
Yerim sighed in defeat, "Fine."
"Yes?"
"After I got discharged... I want to get therapy."
"Physical therapy?"
"Um, that, yes. But also... like... seeing a psychiatrist? I want to get better. Not just physically. Mentally too. I want to get better for you. And Jeno, and Sungchan, you family, our friends, everyone," Yerim said earnestly.
Jaehyun smiled, "Oh, of course. Tell me whenever you're ready for it okay?"
"Okay..."
"Promise?" Jaehyun offered her his pinky and she scoffed as she wiped her tears.
"You're treating me like Jeno now?"
He grinned, "You're injured. I am taking care of you so you officially become my baby too."
She rolled her eyes but he leaned forward to plant a kiss on her forehead.
"Don't cry again, okay? I can't bear seeing you cry."
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