Donghyun may appear cute and innocent, but really, he's way far from those. And he'd like to believe that no one knows that, felt like he had to correct them every now and then because he's tired of being mistaken as someone who can do no wrong. Joochan is different though, and Donghyun probably doesn't know that. Joochan thinks he's cute. He can affirm to that everyone's belief. But he also know that aside from that one thing, no one will ever be right about Donghyun. And he's perfectly fine with that, proud even. Something about him only knowing the real Donghyun makes his heart flutter. That Donghyun is not really trying hard to hide his true self from him, or perhaps that's the case for everyone, its just that he pays extra attention more than anyone else. Maybe because he is his so called bestfriend.

 

Donghyun will always do his thing, go to class then go to library after to do his assignments, by the time he finished them, the sun is already down and its time for him to walk to his workplace. Joochan will also always do his thing, follow Donghyun around until he kick him out of his workplace because he doesn't want a distraction. He would sometimes ask why would he be a distraction when he'll only sit from afar and listen to music, read books, or write something while he waits for him and he'd say, "You look annoying."

 

He'd only roll his eyes at him but still would wave a goodbye as he walk backwards telling him he'll see him tomorrow then. Because even if he wants to be with him 24/7, he respect him. If Donghyun doesn't want him to be around and wants a bit of himself to be hidden to Joochan then so be it. He'll never complain because he knows, Donghyun is not ready.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donghyun works less or more than 7 hours a day. Yes, he works in this ice cream parlor where Joochan would always drop him off without failing to annoy him first with his protest to stay that he sometimes had to buy him ice cream first so he can shut up and leave already. Donghyun would scoff at him as he wish him to get home safe, "Don't trip on your own feet before you can even finish your ice cream! I spend my extra money for that!" Joochan would only laugh at him and yell, "Yeah you too! Get home safe!". Donghyun would smile bigger at that but as soon as Joochan turns his back on him, the smile would fade replaced by a feeling of guiltiness. He'd like to tell him his job in the ice cream parlor will be done in like 5 hours, but he had another job to attend to after, that, he doesn't let him know.

 

Donghyun doesn't talk about himself, never given other people an idea of who he is or what he does or other things he's going through. He has never been afraid of other people's judgement or opinion about him, he just doesn't really like talking about himself. He naturally comes out of his own shell when he's with Joochan though. He doesn't really need to think about it too much, its not like he contributed a lot in the process of Joochan learning things about him. Joochan is just naturally observant so he connects things so easily. He's always so understanding, he's kind and funny (but he won't tell him that) so he doesn't find the need to avoid him even though he can be painfully nosy at times. Somehow, he found him endearing and then eventually cared for him more than he should.

 

Joochan has a big heart, a very pure one and sometimes its freaking him out that Joochan is just showing it to him bare like that. He's afraid he'll break it if he dared to even just lay a finger on it. That's why even though he never cared about other people's thoughts about him, it's different with Joochan. Because he is not like the others.

 

 

 

 

He hooked up for money. Now, how would he tell Joochan that? How would he even react to that? Would he laugh at him while jokingly telling him he just want to get rid of him so badly so he's saying that? Would he drop his on the floor with his mouth wide open telling him, "Wow, you don't look like it, y'know some kind of uh–", or would he awkwardly laugh and tell him he forgot he have something to do so he's leaving then never showing up his face again in his sight.

 

There's so many possible scenarios that can happen, but above anything else, he's afraid he'll disappoint Joochan. That he's not the Donghyun he thought he was when he decided to play a part in his life that day he offered him a company because he looks lonely. He's the only real friend he have, the constant in his life, the one who tolerates his nagging, someone who's willing to give him space when needed without questions, someone who cries for him on his bad days and celebrates his good days. Joochan is too good to be true, he thinks he doesn't deserve him and that he'll only taint him if he stay longer in his life, but he's also afraid to lose him. He's just that selfish. So even if he wants to be honest to Joochan, he can't.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At times when he doesn't have a hooked up, he'll wander around, just walk and walk until his feet gets tired begging for him to sit and rest, he will stare into nothing and think about his life, like why he needed to be at that point where he have to do everything for himself, in order to survive and live longer for no reason. As he looked up into the sky, he'll wonder why its so dark and then Joochan would suddenly come into his mind, his smile, the laughs, their endless banter about perfume that smells like durian (Joochan really thought its a good idea to make a durian scent of perfume just because he said he like fruity scents), he just thinks about Joochan being annoying in general, and then he'd cracked up like crazy at the cringing thought that came after, "Maybe the sky is dark because Joochan isn't with me here right now to fill for the absence of the stars."

 

 

 

 

There are times when the idea of spilling his secret to Joochan comes barging in into his mind at most unwelcomed times. Its knocking at the back of his head like crazy, wanting so bad to be known. It won't stop until he's at his breaking point, crying alone at the corner of his small room. The thought of doing it for money is already hard enough to digest for him. But he needs it and he won't blame himself but he's never proud of it. Sometimes, the thought will kick in when he's in the shower and getting late for class. Sometimes, it kicks in when he's eating lunch with Joochan while he watch him talk with his mouth full, sometimes it kicks in when he stares at the menu of the ice cream parlor, sometimes, in the middle of hooking up. Its crazy how its knocking gets so often lately, and their movie marathon day is no exception.

 

 

 

 

He's frustrated. He wants to scream that, "Yes, I'm a , I'm dirty so go away from me" so the thought can stop bugging him already. He's using all his energy to stop himself from crying so Joochan won't have to worry. He's tired. So when Joochan gets clingy and started kissing him, he unintentionally let his guard down and kissed him back, looking for comfort he won't say out loud he needed. When things escalated, it took all of his energy left for him to stop what they're doing. Because they can't. They just can't.

 

 

 

 

When he ran to the rooftop, he kind of expected Joochan would follow him. It would take minutes though because he knows Joochan would give him time for himself. Joochan is too good like that so when he came later muttering his apology, he felt bad. Because really, what have Joochan ever done wrong aside from being a kind and understanding person to him? If anything, he's the one on the wrong, he hides a piece of himself from him when he's out there, bare and honest with Donghyun to the point that he's aware of his feelings towards him.

 

He likes me.

 

 

 

 

But Joochan doesn't know he feel the same way, or so he thought. Maybe he's not so subtle about it, maybe Joochan is really just too ahead of himself, or maybe because he's Donghyun, and Joochan knows everything about Donghyun.

 

 

 

 

When he reached out to his hand offered to him, it reminded him of that time he met Joochan on his way home. He came to him, smiling widely, cheerfully asking, "Hi! Can I walk with you? You look a little lonely and my friends said uhh I spread happiness, I mean they always laugh at me so I don't know how I should put it into words but you know what I mean right? Uhh–" he hesitated as he saw Donghyun just staring at him, not even saying a word. He laughed awkwardly at that "Sorry for that, I mean, is it okay to walk with you? Its fine if you don't want to but I hope you'll say yes." There was a moment of silence. Donghyun was thinking so hard why does this man keep smiling, looks like he always have a lot to say, he's obviously very different from him but it oddly doesn't bother him when he hears his voice nor when he look at his eyes. So after thinking for a while, he figured a little company won't be that bad. He nodded at him and Joochan squealed.

 

Now, as he hold his hand, he's allowing Joochan for the second time around to accompany him. This time, on his way to opening himself up a little more to him. Because he deserves that, maybe him too.

 

As they close the door to Joochan's room and cuddle in the bed, he thought to himself, maybe telling him won't be that bad, knowing that not even once did Joochan gave him a reason to doubt his pure intentions with him, not even once did he make him feel like he'll leave him unless he tells him to. He just need a little more time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Joochan wouldn't let Donghyun know that he knows. But it doesn't really matter. He'll just keep on holding him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A/N:

This is such a mess but still posted it anyway. Just puked words and that's it 😭 If you're here, I hope you had a good read.

And I'm open to criticisms so.... please leave a comment ^___^