“I hate myself. I thought all this time I’m already through with her.” Joohyun says. Sooyoung pours a bottle of sake that she bought from Japan into each of their glasses. “I should’ve told Yerim earlier, don’t you think?”

Sooyoung smiles. “What differences would that make?”

“I don’t know… The truth is… I never know.”

Sooyoung sips her glass. “Please tell me you’re not doing what I’m thinking.”

“What? Regretting everything? Of course not. I mean, my marriage gives me Yerim despite everything that happened with her father.”

“Say unnie, how did you even cope with that man? 12 years of marriage is not a short amount of time.”

“Well… I gotta say he’s a nice man. He’s responsible for our finances. It was not that bad actually. Although he was not very present as a father.”

“Of course, with all his business trips and yadda-yadda.”

“To be frank, I think his lack of presence contributed to our long-standing marriage. We just lived our life without any major problems or anything. We just let it flow.” Joohyun says. “But after I found out he’s been having an affair with her business partner for the past five years… I see no further reason to continue our loveless marriage.”

“Wait— Five years?”

“Quite long huh?”

“Holy . Holy-ing-.”

Joohyun can’t hold her laughter looking at her best friend’s response. She lifts her glass of sake. “I didn’t tell the exact duration of the affair, huh? Well… it has ended. Let’s just have a toast.”

Sooyoung shakes her head and smiles. “Cheers to your new phase of life, unnie.”

“Cheers.” And off they go with one slow sip.

“So… What now?”

“Hm?”

“Does Seungwan even know you’re already divorced?”

“Do I have to tell her?”

“Well… It’s up to you. I mean, do you still contact each other?”

“Not intense.”

“Define not intense.”

Joohyun rolled her eyes. “We are just committed to not talk to each other. Not even any birthday greetings. We both don’t use social media that much as well. I think the last time I talked to her was last year and it was all Seulgi’s doing… the group video call.”

“You two are indeed the masters of letting go huh?”

“Can’t help it. We share the same practicalities—if we still talk regularly, we can’t move forward. Can’t live this cruel life merely by love and feelings, huh?”

Sooyoung glares. “Oh please. Don’t you miss her?”

Joohyun chuckles. “What kind of question is that?”

“Just answer me.”

Joohyun shakes her head and pours another sake into her glass. “Of course I do. Don’t we all?”

“Well, except for Seulgi. I’m aware she still keeps in contact with Seungwan.”

“Those two… Never change, huh? How’s Seulgi even doing anyway?”

Sooyoung rolls her eyes. “Same old. Same old. Yesterday she called me to say that she had dumped a fling because she didn’t feel anything. Then I came to her flat because she asked and we just spent the night watching some dumb Adam Sandler films. At least, we had fun.”

“How many flings has she dumped now?”

“I honestly don’t know and don’t care.” Sooyoung took another sip of the sake. “One thing though, she never has with any of the flings. Crazy huh?”

“All this time?”

“Yup. Just first to second base making out here and there, film dates here and there, and of course some sleepover nights together, but never the vag.”

“Interesting,” Joohyun laughs. “But the fact you know Seulgi’s love life that detailed is even more interesting.”

“How can’t I? She always updates me whenever she has a new date or some fights. That is one kind of a crazy woman, I swear. I wish I could meet an expat for my love life, settle down with him, and tell Seulgi that I can’t bear listening to her strange pursuits of dating.”

Lies. Joohyun knows very well that Sooyoung will never get bored of any stories of Seulgi’s antics. “But at least she always has fun, right?”

“I don’t know. Maybe?” Sooyoung snorts. “Back to you, unnie. Do you want to tell Seungwan about your current situation? You know… For old time’s sake? Let’s just take it as simple updates between two good old friends. Do you still have her number?”

Joohyun recalls when she told Seungwan that she was pregnant for four months by phone. It was almost a year after her marriage. Seungwan was thrilled to hear the news and they decided to meet each other because Seungwan wanted to see how Joohyun was doing. They spent the whole day full of chit-chats and laughter, Seungwan was buying healthy foods and supplements for Joohyun, and they ended their last trip for the day on Daecheon beach. Joohyun’s husband was on a trip so she agreed when Seungwan asked her to go to the beach on their last date. 

“Two years have passed since we went here, huh?” Seungwan asked, looking at the sea. The two sat on a bench facing the waves. Joohyun nodded slowly. “I’m glad to hear you have a good life, Joohyun.”

“Same to you, Seungwan. I’m thrilled to hear about your career progress.”

“Thank you. And about that… There’s something I would like to tell you.” Seungwan said, her face facing the sky. “I will move to Singapore for my graduate studies. And afterwards, possibly for work.”

“For how long?”

Seungwan bit her lip. “I’m not sure. But I think I’m going to build my life there… permanently. If possible. Starting anew.”

Both Joohyun and Seungwan had rarely contacted each other after the marriage but the thought of Seungwan moving far away bugged her thoughts. “Really?”

“Yeah… I think I’ll have good opportunities there. Southeast Asia markets are really potential for the next few years to come. Good for the investment business.” Seungwan said, with her face now facing Joohyun. She took some time before she continued to talk. “And for the other reason, can I be honest with you?”

Joohyun felt her heart finally clenched. That question might be directly related to her, she knew for sure. She tried to be less tense. “Why is that even a question? It’s not like we just met yesterday.”

Seungwan smiled weakly and scoffed. “I can’t bear living here knowing you’re now with someone else. I thought I’d be strong enough to just let go, but I can’t. It’s hard. The thought of you keeps coming to my mind. And I can’t keep on living like this. I know it’s hard to move on. But in life, we gotta move forward, right?”

Joohyun bit her lip. “I understand, Seungwan. Thank you for telling me this.”

“It’s crazy how life parts us like this, don’t you think?” Seungwan said, her lips forming a lopsided smile like she was trying to laugh at life and its circumstances. “After all we’ve been through, I can’t believe we reach to a point where we have to let go of each other. I know maybe you’ve moved on and maybe it’s really time for me to try harder—“

“Seungwan, don’t say that.” Joohyun said, trying her best to handle tears that were starting to form in her eyes. “Please… I swear, it’s hard for me too. You don’t know how I keep on thinking if I backed out from the marriage and ran with you. But I wasn’t that brave. Especially when I looked at granny’s face. I’m sorry. Maybe it’s the best for us.” Joohyun held Seungwan’s hand.

Seungwan smiled despite being visibly in emotional pain. “The point is, every time spent with you are definitely the best years of my life. I’m really grateful to know you, to have loved you, and even to be here with you. So, Joohyun… Thank you so much for being in my life.”

Joohyun couldn’t handle her emotions and let herself melt into Seungwan’s embrace. “So this is goodbye… the real goodbye.”

Seungwan kissed the tip of Joohyun’s head gently and the latter closed her eyes to feel every second like it was going to be their last. As much as Seungwan wanted to get another taste of the pair of lips she used to kiss almost everyday, she wanted to respect Joohyun's status as a wife of somebody. And she was afraid she could go past the boundaries. 

Seungwan moved her hands down and gestured whether she could touch Joohyun’s belly. Joohyun nodded. Seungwan touched and held it gently.

“Hi there,” Seungwan whispered and repositioned herself to face the belly. “Hello Joohyun’s baby. It’s me, Seungwan. We haven’t met yet. I don’t know if we could meet, but when you are finally born… Please give your mother happiness as she will give you lots of it. She loves you for sure and I love you too. Stay healthy, will you?”

Joohyun’s tears ran harder. She couldn’t handle her emotions. “Is it really the end, Seungwan? To everything that we had.”

 “If we’re meant to be, then we’re meant to be. But maybe not in this world, not now.”

“Unnie?” Sooyoung’s voice startles Joohyun’s memory of the past.

“Oh y—yeah where were we?”

“I was asking whether you still have Seungwan’s number or not.”

“I do have it. But I don’t know whether it’s still active or not.” Joohyun says. “I don’t even know the relevance of telling Seungwan about my current situation.”

“You know what? You’re right. Absolutely right. Telling Seungwan might not change anything. So everything’s good now between you and her?”

Joohyun nods slowly. “Maybe…?”

“What kind of answer is ‘maybe’? My suggestion, just tell her about your situation at the moment. That might not change anything but at least you won’t spend the whole night being sleepless thinking whether to call Seungwan or not.”

“Of course I won’t spend the rest of night with—“

Sooyoung raised her eyebrow. “Oh unnie, I’ve known you since we were stupid teenagers. And one thing that hasn't changed is your defense mechanism. It’s obvious when you’re being defensive. Don’t lie to yourself. If you want to call Seungwan, just call.”

“Let’s just see about that. Thank you, Sooyoungie.”

Sooyoung smiles, “Don’t even mention that, unnie. Besides, how’s Yerim doing inside?”

“Probably sleeping. Let her be.” Joohyun giggles.

Yerim feels bored so she texts Joohyun if she can already come out from her room. Joohyun replies, sure.

Sooyoung has to go back to her home because she needs to take care of some work. She works as a senior associate lawyer, which explains why at times she needs to work on weekends.

After saying goodbye to Sooyoung, Joohyun continues to cook to prepare for their meals of the day. As much as Yerim wants to ask more about her mother’s past love life, she decides to help her mother first and eat lunch together.

“Mom…” Yerim says. Turns out she cannot hold her curiosity. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“It’s about your past.”

Joohyun smiles. “Go on. Ask anything. It’s really the time for you to know.”

“How long did you date each other?”

“That’s a good question,” Joohyun giggles. “Around 6 years I guess. Since high school. We were friends at first. We first met while we were still in 10th grade.”

“Do you like your relationship?”

Joohyun almost chokes on her food. It’s obvious that she needs some time to answer such blatant question despite having a firm answer. “I do. Of course. Seungwan’s a great person.”

“Then why did you break up?”

“Because your great grandma wanted me to marry a man and have a kid. Your grandparents also told me to fulfill my great grandma’s wish. So there I was. I married your father and have you here.”

“Did you actually want to break up, mom…?” Yerim asks but she cannot look straight at Joohyun.

Joohyun forms a soft smile with a bittersweet longing visibly seen through her eyes. “No, I didn’t want to. But I was in a position where I had to choose. Seungwan or our family. And I’m glad that the choice I chose brought you here. As I said before, Seungwan’s a great person. She was very understanding of my situation. So, here we are now.”

Yerim feels the urge to hug her mother and she goes from her seat to embrace Joohyun. 

“Mom, I know it’s so cheesy but I’m glad to have you. I love you.”

Joohyun feels touched and grateful with her only daughter’s gesture. She acknowledges that the path she chose might not be one hundred percent free of happiness or pain. However, she has Yerim. Whatever the future stores for her, she’s ready. As long as she has Yerim, everything will be fine. She kisses Yerim’s head. “Thank you baby. Thank you. You know I always love you.”

“I know mommy… Especially if you don’t take the blanket while I’m sleeping.”

“That I will not stop until you wake up early everyday.” Joohyun teases and laughs.

Author's note: Thank you for reading everyone! Hope you have a pleasant day ahead~!