“Love is a game

Of tic tac toe

Constantly waiting

for the next x or o”

 

  My fingers traced the black letters etched roughly onto the thin, white paper that lay among tens of its kind in a perfectly formed tower. The handwriting was scruffy and lazy, and reflected his attitude perfectly with every swirl and curve that came with each letter. I could faintly hear his high pitched giggle coming from the end of the hallway, and instinctively shoved the pile of work to the other end of the table, waiting nervously for the door to open, I leaned against my propped left hand and proceeded to blankly slide through my phone.  Coolly, I blinked up to look at the door as it opened quickly and three boys walked in jabbering, locking eyes with his eyes, I immediately flickered my attention back to my phone, my face perfectly stoic as my heart threatened to jump out of my chest.

   From the corner of my eye, I noticed them make their way to the window in the right corner of the English room, they had sat in a perfectly unavoidable position, in which avoiding to look at him would be nearly impossible if I didn’t want to burn my eyes into my glowing phone screen. I casually lifted my eyes in his direction, as if I were simply in thought I lazily captured his side profile and stored it somewhere deep in my mind. He was slim, annoyingly slim, had an incredibly horrible looking hair, that shone a warm brown under the sun and brushed to the side in limp strands, his jaw was angular enough to cut a person and a nose so gracefully poised I want to break it. I detested how he would casually slip his long, slender hands into his pockets and lean elegantly against the closest behind him as if that spot was made just for him, or the way his lips turned up whenever he laughed, upturning like a duck, making him look uglier than he already was. There was also his voice, which I had grown to hate so much, my body would involuntarily shiver every time I heard his demented chuckle, or his crackling-

   “Hey, Cela, here’s your chocolate milk.” Jiji mumbled between her straw as she threw me the carton, allowing it to perfectly land on the tip of my head, before it rolled down my face, it’s corners stinging my skin before falling into my ready, cupped hands. Jiji snorted a laughter and mumbled incoherently into her straw before striding to her seat on the other side of the room.

   It was ridiculous, last year of sixth form, and the school still had insisted on us sitting in boy, girl, boy, girl formation, and what’s worse, in alphabetical order. Not only is it a big pain in the for teachers to do at the beginning of the year, it means I have to sit next to unpleasant people for the whole year too.

   “Ah, crap Jiji just left without taking the change again,” Adrienne huffed whilst holding her hip, and brushing her her beautifully, smooth black hair clung to her face, with the other. She stood in front of me gasping, begging for air as if she had just ran a marathon, “I really can’t take those two flight of stairs. How Jiji climbs it two times faster than me and still walks in like a model at a cat walk, I will never find out.” Her eyes flickered to the corner of the room, and immediately she straightened her back and dusted her blazer pointlessly as she locked eyes with Sehun standing at window. The way his face melted from a perfectly, stone-like expression to a warm, and welcoming smile every time he sees Adrienne made my heart throb in envy. I admired the two as a couple, they never felt the need to be together every minute of every day, but instead took the energy to appreciate the times they did have together, and kept their other relationships in check. There was no burden, no wall between them and I was astonished almost, by the lack of restriction they had between each other, astonished and baffled.

   The sudden shriek of the school bell put period three English literature into motion and I was ready for another tense session of ignoring my neighbour. I took a deep breath as I felt him pull the seat back and flop into the place beside me, shuffling my phone into my back, I focused on the empty interactive board, as Miss Avannit clumsily shuffled through her thick folders, groaning ‘sorry’ every two seconds.

   “Saw the way you handled that carton of milk there, professional,” He chuckled beside me, my jaw clenching in immediate response. “Thought you were staring at me lovingly there for a moment, but turns out you were just day dreaming.”

   I swallowed as much as air as my lungs would allow me before turning to look at his expecting brown eyes, sniggering silently, “Why? Hoping I was staring at you lovingly?” I sneered, teeth gritting together.

   “Maybe I was,” A smile perfectly carved into his face, stood still in response.

   “Too bad then.” I muttered, venom dripping with every syllable.

   “Cela… Jongdae, please stop talking.” Miss Avannit mumbled across the class room before turning to the board, fumbling around with the mouse to find out how to turn to the next slide.

    Miss Avannit gave me the excuse to look away from Jongdae, and for that, I am forever grateful but that didn’t make me any less tense, as I could feel Jongdae’s eyes scorching into my back, his frozen smile planted in my head. I hated him, hated him beyond belief. He was as fake as an artificial flower, beautiful posed for the world to admire and love, but there was no life, no colour, nothing inside it’s fabric skin. It irritated me, irritated me to such an extent I just wanted to grab him by the face and scream mechanically at him, hoping I would get a reaction, any reaction but that forced expression people called a smile.

   However, he always had this greed for attention, it didn’t matter who and that’s where his god damned trait to be a little prick came from. And at this point in time, his plan to get my attention was to poke my back continuously with the tip of his finger, they were light brushes more like but that didn’t stop the burning sensation from contaminating my whole back. “Can you stop, Jongdae?” I muttered, my eyes glaring at the board at the front.

   “Stop what?”

   “Stop touching me,”

   “Oooo, don’t make it sound so Cela, you’re making me blush,” His high pitch giggled scratched at my ear dreams and I swivelled to face him and throw insultive words, but Miss Avannit had called out on us in a much more irritated tone than the last and I was forced to keep my mouth shut and continue making notes.

   It hadn’t been five minutes since Miss Avannit’s scolding and Jongdae proceeded to play with my hair, punching the ends, pulling them and letting them go to bounce back in place. The process continued for a good three minutes before I swivelled to clutch on his slim wrists and push them away, however he had managed to twist his arm around for his hands to wrap around my wrist and I watched with horror as he brought the back of my palm to his lips.

   “Jongdae and Cela, I’ve had enough of you ignoring me, now please, have the pleasure of accompanying each other every day here after school to help me with work.” She hissed between clenched, pearl teeth. I wanted to whimper in protest but her face had scrutinized into that of what usually wouldn’t belong to someone so petite and clumsy.

 

…

 

   “Wow, that really for you, huh” Suzie snorted out a laughter as she hugged me pitifully, and I swear there was nothing holding me back from punching her here and now.

   “This really isn’t funny,” I groaned whilst shaking her recklessly by the shoulders, however nothing I did now would make her stop laughing, so I thought I wouldn’t waste my hand on her face.

   “I’m sorry, really, the one person you hate and you’re stuck with him after school for the rest of the week and what’s best, is that it’s only a Monday- oh my god, someone help, I can’t breathe,” she gasped and the considering the push her down the stairs also popped into my I mind.

   “I’m leaving now, you piece of ,”

   “Have fun!” She shouted out to me but I had already turned the corner.

   “I’m going to kill myself,” I muttered to myself as I  dragged myself to the door at the end of the hall. “The ?” I squealed at the sudden warmth of an arm curling around my neck and resting against my shoulders.

   “Aw come on, Cela, this volunteering session will give us something to write on our university applications,” Jongdae’s coarse voice crawled its way into my ears and I my body curled up into a protective position, slapping away his hand on instinct.

   I shook off his touch and quickly made my way to the door, “That would be lovely if only this was volunteering.” I muttered before being greeted by a cheerful Miss Avannit. It seemed having the load of work to staple together out of her hands made her chipper than a bird. “You guys can leave at four, whether you’re done or not,” She giggled before exiting the room with a mug, breathing out steam.

   Watching stealthily, I stared at Jongdae as he made his way to the table with work, his eyes casted down at the cleanly printed papers, his fingers flickered through them at the corners and quietly, he took a seat. I slowly made my way to the seat opposite him, and we both silently worked on the pile of papers, the only sound made was the clicking of staples piercing into paper and the shuffling of clothes.

   It was twenty minutes in, and we had only managed to get through half the stack, I was about to comment on his unusual quietness before he screeched his chair backwards, stole a plain piece of paper and pencil from the teacher’s desk and slid his way back with a devilish grin on his face. My eyebrows knitted together as I watched him excitingly draw two lines going vertically, and then another two lines on top going horizontally. I flinched as he turned up to look at me with anticipation, his muddy eyes gleaming as he passed me the pencil.

   “Knots or crosses?”

   “Excuse me?”

   “What do you want to be? Circle or cross? Come on…” He said impatiently, whilst tapping on the stained piece of paper.

   “We’re meant to be doing work, Jongdae…”

   “She said we’ll be here till four whether it’s done or not, so it’s not like we have to finish. Come on, let’s have a break,” he whined whilst brushing his fingers through his hair, his tucked bangs fell onto his forehead and brushed above his eyes. The way he peered between his hair up at me with a slight smile caught me off guard, and I found myself snatching the pencil out of his hand and drawing a knot in any of the nine free spots. Jongdae perked up immediately and we went at it playing knots and crosses for a good ten minutes before Miss Avannit came in to check on us and we immediately returned to the work doing it silence.

   It wasn’t suffocating or tense as it would be in class. Jongdae didn’t cover himself with this mask of smiles and laughter’s that meant nothing to him as much as it did to the people he was offering them to. He was quiet and calm, and occasionally I would catch him day dreaming, and stare blankly at his eyes filled an emotion I couldn’t make out, but it didn’t matter because it reassured me that there was something there, something inside him, that confirmed he was alive and in reality. And I was oddly content with that.

 

…

 

    For the next three days we played knots and crosses every day, exactly twenty minutes in work. It was this game of chasing for us, whoever went first, the other person would continuously try to blog till there was no space left. Most of the time none of would win, but when someone did win, it would usually be him.

   “Aha! I win!” he cheered, balled fists shot up in the air in victory, as if he hadn’t beat me in the last game already.

   “Alright, alright, get back to work now.” I said as I took a test from the pile and began marking it against the mark scheme. Miss Avannit was really taking advantage of us, saying how ‘proud’ she was we did such a good job, and that she knows she can ‘trust’ us enough to take care of some of her students work. I wasn’t really in any place to complain about it though, I also took advantage of this moment to play around with Jongdae, but no one needed to know about that.

   “Waaah, the sun is starting to set pretty early not it’s winter, huh?” he murmured dazedly as the orange light glittered into the room, it’s warmth enveloping Jongdae’s entirety, and I could feel my heart clench at the image of his smile upturned in true emotion.

   “Mmmm, it’s pretty.” I trembled a smile and quickly shifted my eyes away from him and outside to the scenery outside, it was the entrance to our school and then the several houses and trees that followed after it. All painfully bland but suddenly livened by the sun’s smiling light and everything just seemed more beautiful.

    I could feel a sudden brush against my cheek, and I flinched back to reality where Jongdae’s hand was gesturing towards my cheek. He look slightly flustered by the sudden eye contact, but he didn’t retract his hand and instead brought it down to the strands of my hair. “It’s pretty,” he muttered before letting the strand of hair slip through his hands, and brought his chin to lean against, his fingers slightly touching his lips. I swallowed hard and stared long at his hands before Miss Avannit’s shoes brought my attention back to the work in front of us.

   “Everything all right, guys?” Miss Avannit popped her out of the side of the door. With a clear of his throat, Jongdae reassured her and waved her off, also returning to his work, we spent the rest of the time scratching papers with ticks or crosses.

    I stared the clock, aching for the hand to turn at 4 o’clock already so I could just pack up and sprint my way out of this room. I felt my mind had been preoccupied by nothing but Jongdae’s presences and my stupid, beating heart. I honestly couldn’t be falling for this jerk, could I? Stupid question, Cela you’re obviously in love with him, for the love of god, why are you such a fickle person, that’s the question. I mean I only hated him to such an extent because of that façade he plays during the day, but when he takes it off, where does that leave me? Being hopelessly, and stupidly in love with him. “I’m such a ,”

    “Huh?”

   “Crap, did I say that out loud?”

   Jongdae broke out in an uproar of laughter, “Yup, pretty much,”

    “, did I say anything else out loud?”

   “No, why? Were you confessing your love to me?” He sniggered, adjusting himself on his elbows, he leaned in closer to me. I knew he was just teasing me, but that didn’t stop me from squealing like an absolute idiot and clamping my mouth shut like I did say it out loud. I didn’t want to know what face I was making, because considering Jongdae’s shocked one, I knew it wasn’t one I’d be proud of. Glaring at the clock, I grabbed my bag and sprinted out of the room, leaving him there frozen with nothing but a ‘bye’.

 

   Why do I do this to myself?

 

…

 

   I scorched my eyeballs into the old, blue steps that lead my path to the room of hell. I had never been so reluctant to climb these steps, and to be honest, I was more or less convinced on just aborting ship and going straight home, it was Friday and that would give Miss Avannit the weekend to cool off about me skipping.

    “Hey, Cela!” A familiar, hoarse voice called out. I swivelled on my heels to meet face to face with Luhan. “You okay? You look kind of pale,” He murmured between beautiful carved lips and brought a hand to my exposed forehead. I felt comfortable under his touch, no escalating heart beats, no conscience feelings, just utter calmness enveloped me around Luhan, and I curse myself for not falling for someone like him. Feelings . “Hmmm, you haven’t got a fever.” He said dragging his hair down to my hair before playing with the strands, curling them around his index finger.

    “No, I’m find. Just- Ah forget it, did you need something?”

   “Ah yeah, almost forgot there, Suzie told me to tell you that her phone is broken to set a time or place, so she’ll be at your house tomorrow at… 11am!” he perked, proud of himself for remembering everything.

   “Thank you Luhan,” I giggled patting him on the head like he was some pet dog… might as well be.

   “Ah, also-”

   Our conversation was cut off by a familiar arm choking itself around my neck, “Come, come now Cela, no time for chitty chat, got work to do, remember?” Jongdae sang as he dragged me up the stairs by the neck quite painfully, his grip  only tightened and refused to let me go until we had reached the English room.

   “Jesus Christ, Jongdae, you could have killed me there.” I choked out a gasp whilst rubbing my neck. I dropped my bad at the usual spot before making my way to the usual table. I didn’t hear a noise coming from Jongdae, and it was slightly worrying if I do say so myself, “You okay?”

   I stared intently as his perfectly sculpted jaws slid under his skin, his teeth clenching together, he looked up at him with a bright, dazzlingly smile. Too dazzling, not the type of face he would usually show me here, “Hey, hey…” he hopped to me, smirking sneakily. “Who was that guy? Boyfriend?” He asked excitingly, and I could feel a lump forming in my throat at his absurd question.

   “You don’t know him? He’s Luhan? From 13 MNS? I used to be in his form during secondary is all, but what’s more important…” I dragged my sentences as I made my way slowly to him, my hands lifted to his face as I lightly placed my palms on both sides of his face. “Why are you making that face? Do you not feel well?” I was worried in all honesty, he reverted back to that damned, irritating face of his, his eyes glazed in a layer nothing could peer through, and I just wanted to claw at his skin. However this time, it didn’t remain, and the second I noticed his eyebrows knit together, was the second his all face faltered into a scowl that looked like it was about to cry.

   I didn’t have any time to flinch or back away, in a second, Jongdae had me pinned to the vocab display board, both hands clutching the décor behind me. And before I could get a word out, Jongdae brought his lips to mine, at least I’m pretty sure he did, I went numb and faltered under his touch, and I’m pretty sure I’m not breathing right now. Although after a while of standing in the same position, I could slowly feel his hands my neck up to my cheeks, as he lightly held my face up to his, and his lips moved slowly with mine. The first thing I noticed was the way he trembled as he touched me, his whole body had shifted against me, and it was like he wanted to close the tiniest of spaces between us. I flinched and tried to jolt away under the touch of his tongue pressing against my lips, but Jongdae’s weight was too much for me and I couldn’t push him away. Scratching and pulling at his black blazer, I found the nerve to open my eyes to look up at and meet his dazed eyes, that looked like they were to tear any moment.

   I cried under the slow and warm touch of Jongdae’s hands the back of my neck, and as he clutched his fingers against me, he reluctantly parted from me, gasping heavily, and looking down, he didn’t give me much of a minute to catch my breath, before he gently brought his lips back down to me. My lips had slowly began to move with his and I found myself wanted to bring him closer, as close as possible. He was warm, kind, funny, caring, playful, annoying, dumb, and utterly perfect and I was so, so afraid of him.

   My eyes had flickered opened and I instinctively slammed him away from me, landing on the closest table, he looked up at me with a stare of bewilderment and rejection, and I knew I just completely, and utterly cut down on his feelings. “Ar-Cela?” He whimpered, his teeth clenching together, as an expression I didn’t want to register over took his face, and the next thing I found myself doing was running away from Jongdae for a second time.

 

…

 

   “When are you going to stop avoiding him, Cela?” Suzie murmured, taking a sip of her banana milk, whilst playing knots and crosses with Jongin beside me. “It’s  been a week.”

    “I’m not avoiding him, there’s just no reason to speak, is all,” I said matter of fact, crunching  on a piece of pizza crust.  

   “Hardly doubt that, isn’t it kind of weird how his best friends are here and he isn’t?” he scoffed through a mouthful of pasta. “I mean, the poor guy is good at putting faces but these days, it’s just pathetic, did you-” A hand slammed across Sehun’s head, and he had to forcibly swallow the mouthful of pasta in pain.

   “Jeez, Sehun, do not know when to stop talking?” Adrienne scolded clearly aware of the killing intent coming out of Sehun who was frantically searching for a bottle of water in his bag.

   “Stop making such a big deal out of, it’s nothing,” I sighed as I searched Sehun’s bag for him, took out the bottle of water and opened it, receiving a quiet ‘thanks’, he chugged down the contents quickly.

   “It’s obviously not nothing, when you’ve been crushing on him for over a year now,” Jiji interjected with a stern look, that pretty much meant that she wasn’t going to be taking anything I say anymore.

   “What do you mean over a year?”

   “Do you honestly think we believed you when you constantly jabbered about him saying you hated him? Don’t bull me, you might have been convincing yourself but you really weren’t convincing any of us.” She spat, her words stinging me bit by bit, and despite being fully of aware of how right she was, I still had the nerve to feel hurt and as I slowly made my way out of the canteen, I could hear Suzie scold her, even though there was really no need to.

   I made my way to one of the benches in the secluded flower garden, this place was cut off from the playground, so not many students bother it at all. Sixth formers aren’t allowed outside at break but thankfully no teachers actually bother with this place on their patrol roles. I closed my eyes and let my head hang at the back, imaged of his face flash across the black canvas, and in the end I don’t really have any secluded area. Placing my hands on my knees, ready to rise from my seat, I lock eyes with Jongdae and flinch under his sight, his hair was shuffled to the front, and I could feel my heart racing again, every single damn time he was in my presence this had to happen.

   “You don’t have to try and avoid me so bad, I was just about to leave,” He sighed, studding his hand his pockets he swivelled on his heels and made his way back in the opposite direction. The urge to just run up and grab was suffocation but I really had no right to be near someone like him. None at all.

 

…

 

   Looking through the slim, window in the door, I peered inside the English class room and make sure the coast is clear. First mission checked, I sneakily make my way inside the class room and slowly peer around the room, a slightly orange light had swallowed the room but it wasn’t nearly as beautiful as it was that time. My eyes traced over to the table, and I took my hand and let my fingers glide against the smooth top, making my way round, I sat in the Jongdae had sit in, jumped in, played in, laughed in, looked at me from. I slowly placed tucked my face into my crossed hands, and breathed in heavily; his presence was no longer here, but just sitting here, sitting here was reassuring enough. Shuffling in my seat, I position my head to face the door, it wasn’t till I had opened my eyes, did I register the click made and came in contact with Jongdae, who had just stood there at the door way, eyes staring at me with judgement.

   Clearly my only reflect with him was to run, run as fast as possible, so I made way for the second exit, headed to the English office and just prayed to god he was still frozen enough to catch up to me. However, my prayers were in vain, and the second that door banged in my face, rejecting me escape, was the same second I felt his hand grab my wrist and slammed me against the interactive white board. “Owwwww, not so rough.” I groaned, wiggling my wrist under his grasp, staring intently at the floor.

   “W-what kind of joke is this, exactly?” His voiced trembled in a whisper and I could feel his grip on my wrist only get tighter.

   “What joke? I just forgot something and came to get it-” Jongdae brought my wrist and slammed it against the interactive board again, pain circulation through me at a much higher rate.

   “Don’t bull me Cela, do you think everyone is an idiot? Did that look like you were just getting something?” He growled, his chest rising heavily in anger and I knew I really had no chance in getting out of this.  

   “What do you want me to say exactly?” I sighed, going weak under his seething anger.

   “The truth, why were you sitting in my seat?”

   “Because I was-” I flinched under his forehead leaning against mine, he had let my wrist go but I refused to let it drop.

   “Don’t lie to me, I beg you…” He sighed, his hot breath invading mine and that same irritating urge to scratch anything, everything had overcome me and I just dug my nails into my palms.

   “Can you not be so dramatic, please,” I tried to chuckle the nervousness out of me but he wasn’t having anything of it.  “I just, I just-“ I really had no words left, I brought myself to this situation. What do I do now? Just confess to him? “I-” Break out in tears and tell him to let me go? “I just-”

   “You just what? Tell me, please? Do you know how insane you’ve made me thinking that kissing you was the dumbest move I’ve ever done? I felt so ing dumb, thinking you felt the same way. But how couldn’t I have gotten my hopes up. The way you blushed before you left that day drove me insane, I stayed up all night thinking about you. I wanted to go slow, and just make you fall in love with me slowly, I knew how much you hated me to start with, but I thought there was some hope. Then there was that Luhan guy, who touched and talked to you so easily, and you looked so perfectly content, can you even understand how I feel? I felt like everything I was working towards just faltered in that moment. Kissing you and then having you run away like that, I was sure you didn’t feel the same, so I left you alone, I left you alone, yet- yet, here you are, in my seat, clearly thinking about me, and you want me to just believe your lies like that?” I wasn’t entirely sure how to react, Jongdae had forced my eyes to stare at his, filled with anguish, pain I didn’t understand. He couldn’t seriously be in love with me, could he? Jongdae Kim, in love with me? What bull is this, he must be joking if he expects me to believe it.

   “I’m afraid…” Tears b my eyes, I brought my hands up towards his face, and gently caressed his tensed cheeks and gently brought my fingers around his ears, and then brushed my hands through his hair. “How could someone so beautiful like me? I didn’t know why you kissed me? You clearly didn’t seem to think of me that way, you were always teasing me, how do you think I would feel after you kissed me like that? ing idiot, I could kick you right now, you’re angry at me for running? Who told you to bully the girl you like, you piece of .” There was no hope for me, I must have looked like complete crap crying out like a five year old child. “I love you,” but those words that slurred out brought the happiest smile I had ever seen on his face, there was so much emotions in it; happiness, sadness, relief, excitement, fatigue and love. My heart was so light in that moment; the orange sunlight, his creased smiling face, his hot breath, I’d remember everything.  “I love you too,” he murmured with his crackling chuckle before bringing his lips back to mine.