A Letter of Pain

Title: A Letter of Pain

Author: Mitsuki970720 (My LiveJournal :D )

Pairing: 2Min

Genre: Angst, Romance

Warnings: Mentions of and abuse. Character death.

Summary: 3 Years ago, SHINee broke up and went their separate ways. Minho and the other members hadn't heard from Taemin since then. Until Today.

~~~~~~~ A Letter of Pain ~~~~~~~~

Dear Minho,

I'm sorry for setting formalities aside, hyung. But with what I'm about to tell you, I'm sure it wouldn't matter. We've been through a lot together and I trust that you will keep my secret safe with you.

I'm not who you think I am. The innocent and bubbly boy you knew was nothing but a lie. I hope that you can forgive me for keeping this from all of you. But it was for the best. I just wanted to tell you the whole truth before I go. I want you to know the real story of Lee Taemin, the broken boy with a hurtful past.

My story is probably something you've heard. So if you think this is a waste of time, then by all means, stop reading. I will not hold it against you. I don't want to force you to read something against your will. And I admit, I had doubts about telling you this... but you're my best friend. You deserve to know. All of you do. I trust that you'll tell Jonghyun hyung, Key hyung and Onew hyung, right? For me, please, I beg you. Besides, I think it's time you all knew the truth that I've tried to keep hidden for so long.

Whatever SM Entertainment told you about me is a complete lie. My parents, the ones you've met, are not my own. My entire being is a lie. A lie to keep our popularity from going down. A lie told so I can stay with SHINee... so I can stay with you guys. My life is much more complicated than that fairytale SME created for me. My past is far worse than you can imagine. But, please, do me one favor. No matter what I reveal, don't hate me. Judge me all you want, I won't hold it against you. Just don't hate me. I don't think I can take it if my most precious persons end up hating me. Now that it's out of the way, I guess I should start from the very beginning.

My early years had been happy for most parts. Everything was perfect... until the day my mother died. She had always been sickly and people say it was a miracle that she was able to survive giving birth to me. But after I was born, she took a turn for the worse. It was only a matter of time before she passed away. Despite the tragedy and many nights of grieving, my father remained strong. He didn't drown himself in alcohol and neither did he bury himself in work. Instead, he took the time to take care of me, reassuring me that it wasn't my fault. I guess with what I've told you so far, you might think everything was perfect... that I was happy. And you're right, I was. But just like everything else, that happiness was short lived.

A year and a half after my mother passed, my father me another woman. They fell in love and not long after, they got married. At first, everything seemed to be fine. MinJung was a great woman. Her son, however, was a completely different story. YunJung seemed like an okay person. He looked really kind. But, then again, we shouldn't judge a book by its cover. YunJung was the complete opposite of his mother. He was vile... cruel... abusive. He did everything to make my life miserable. What started out as innocent teasing gradually increased until it got to the point where he would hit me. After that, everything spiraled out of control. My father became obsessed with his work, he rarely came home. And if he did, it was only to sleep, change his clothes or grab a bite to eat. After that, he was gone. Off to work. Leaving me alone with the demons.

MinJung turned out to be exactly the same as her son. Whenever dad wasn't around, her facade faded. Whenever that front door closed and that car pulled out of the driveway, I would become their playtoy. Of course, even at a young age, I knew it was bad. I knew that should've told someone. I wanted to. Believe me, I did. But they threatened me. They said if I told on them, I would be taken away from my father. Without much choice, I decided to keep my mouth shut.

The subtle hits turned into hours of beating. My friends at school often ask me about my bruises. But each time they asked, I would force out a smile and say some lame excuse. Everyone believed me, and so, they never bothered to find out the truth. I felt so alone, even though my friends were right beside me. But then, the beatings became more frequent and the bruises were more noticeable than before. People started asking questions but I couldn't tell them the truth. I didn't want to be separated from my father. And so, I began to distance myself from everyone. I busied myself with anything that would distract me from the unavoidable beating I would receive when I get home. Eventually, I found refuge in dancing. I knew YunJung and MinJung were not pleased by it. 2 years after, everything stayed the same; I went to school with bruises, busied myself with school and dance, and when I reached home, a world of searing pain awaited me. I wanted to tell someone, but I had to think of the consequences of my actions. At the mere age of 10, I became matured. I was robbed of my childhood.

At the age of 13, everything completely went downhill for me. MinJung made me do... things. She made me touch her. I became embarrassed of myself. And the changes in my body did not help either. I needed someone to confide in, but my father was never around and I didn't have any friends. If it wasn't MinJung, YunJung made me do things. I came to school looking half dead, but no one cared. That's when I realized that I've been alone all along. My so called friends only cared when they needed something for me. Now that I had nothing to offer, they throw me aside like a rag doll. Every night, either MinJung, YunJung or ,at times, both would come into my room. After our activities, they would leave me, but not without spitting out insults. Every night, I would cry myself to sleep thinking why it had to be me who suffered.

Then, I heard of the auditions SME was holding and decided to try out. Imagine my surprise when they told me I had passed. I was ecstatic, glad that I'll finally break free of the chains that held me back. When I told my father the news, he congratulated me. After so long, I finally felt that my father loved me... that he never forgot me. That night, he suggested we go out and celebrate. Just the two of us, just like the old times. We were having fun, the most I've had in years. I was glad that I somehow had my father back.But just like everything else, that happiness came went away as quickly as it came.

Everything happened so fast. One moment we were smiling and having fun. There was a bright light. The next thing I knew, the car was upside down, hanging dangerously on the side of the road. Below us awaited impending death. Some bystanders were kind enough to jump into action. But, you see, it was too late. The car tipped over the edge, spiraling down into the abyss. Only one of us survived, hyung. The people pulled me out of the car instead of my father who badly needed treatment. Everyday, I remember that scene as if it was only yesterday. I kept asking myself why I had to survive. There was nothing left for me in this world.

With my father gone, MinJung and YunJung's escapades became more frequent. After school or training, I would come home and they would have their way with me. Do you know the pathetic part? I let them do it to me. I didn't fight back or struggle, I merely followed obediently like the good boy I was. I was like a zombie; dead. Empty.

But then you and the others came along. I felt alive once again. You stirred feelings in me, hyung. Feelings I thought I never would feel again. I developed a reason to live; you. Ever since I laid my eyes on you, I knew I was attracted to you. Everything about you seemed so good, so nice... so perfect. Unlike me; a broken boy with a tainted past. Becoming a part of SHINee was a dream come true. For once, my life felt perfect, like everything had fallen into place. I thought I had finally gotten away. But I was wrong.

One night. MinJung was out with her friends. It was just YunJung and I at the house. My door opened and he came in. I was too tired to care. I was too exhausted after a rigorous day of training. Before I could protest, he slipped into my bed and straddled me. He started touching me, Minho hyung, in ways and places that made me want to throw up. I couldn't fight back. He was far stronger than me. At that time, I wish he had just let me him off, just as he would always make me do. I would have done it-- anything to get him off me. My cries and please weren't heard. And, just like that, the world became black as he gave his first . I woke up several hours later , alone and sore. I dragged myself into the bathroom to wash up and cry over my fate. On that very same day, I showed up for training. You still remember that time you found me crying in a corner? The night before that, hyung, my step brother took advantage of me. He me.

When SHINee finally debuted, I was so glad I practically bolted from the house. Living with you for the past years was like a dream, something that was too good to be true. I knew one way or another, someday, my past would come to haunt me. And it did, hyung.

Do you remember that person who was causing trouble during one of our performances? That was YunJung. He was being an idiot, trying to get me to come back by threatening me. SM immediately took care of it. But he never stopped. Eventually, Lee Soo Man called me in and said that everything was getting out of hand, that everything had become so troublesome. He said there was only one thing he could do; take me out of SHINee. To protect the group and the company, he had to let me go. But he's not as heartless as you think. He gave me a choice. I could've just told the truth. But I knew it was a risky decision. We could lose our popularity and the company would've had to let all of us go. I couldn't accept that. At the very least, you all deserved to continue moving forward. Better me than you. That's why, I decided to leave SHINee.

You all took the news hard. Onew hyung gave me the cold shoulder, Key hyung begged me to stay, Jonghyun hyung pretended I didn't say anything about leaving. But what hurt most was that you acted as if I never existed, like SHINee had always been a four-man group. It hurt so much, but I didn't say anything. I had no right to.

When Key hyung announced that he would be leaving after his contract ended, I couldn't believe it. Then the rest of you followed suit. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. The group I tried so hard to protect would disbanded just like that. My efforts had gone to waste. But, as I have with every other time, I remained quiet. After SM terminated my contract, I decided to lie low and disappear. I heard that as soon as yuo contracts ended, you went your separate ways as well.

For the past years, I've been trying to fight off the demons of my past. I found out some things as well. Minho hyung... I'm dying. It's Leukemia. I found out six months before I left. Apparently, it runs in the family. My mother also died because of Leukemia.

You might ask why I'm telling you this. It's because I don't have much time left, my days are numbered. There's nothing I can do but wait. Doctors say that I have long stopped responding to treatment. There's nothing they can do.

I wrote this letter not just to dump all my problems on you. I want to take this time to thank you as well and to finally express my feelings.

I've always admired you, hyung. How strong you are, how calm you can be and how you seemed to be invincible. I never really realized when or how it happened. It just did. I realized one day that I... had fallen in love with you. Afraid that if you found out, you would hate me, I decided to distance myself from you. I thought that maybe if I wasn't too attached my feelings would change. But it didn't. My feelings only grew stronger and stronger with time. Everyday, I grew more and more attracted to you until it came to a point where I couldn't stop myself; I knew there was no turning back. So when SME presented to me their decision to let me leave, I grabbed the opportunity. I reasoned with myself that it was to prevent myself from hurting even more.

Each day I spent apart from you after I left, I hurt even more. I realized that I was wrong... that maybe I should've listened to you and the others... Maybe I should've shared the burden with you... maybe I should've believed you when you said you loved me. Maybe, just maybe. I'm sorry... so sorry. Because of me, SHINee broke up. Because of me, we never got to take those opportunities given to us. I'm sorry for everything. But if there's one thing I'm not sorry for, it's joining SHINee and falling in love with you, even if you don't love me the way I want you to. But is there really no hope for us? Is there really no way...?

But I guess, thank you for everything. Thank you for the memories and everything else.

With Love,

Taemin

p.s. I'm going to see the sunset for the last time today... at our old hang out during our pre-debut. Goodbye, Minho hyung. I love you.

As soon as Minho finished reading the letter, he hurriedly grabbed his jacket and car keys. He sped through the traffic, ignoring the angry shouts and curses of the people. Slowly, the loud bustle of the city disappeared behind him as he drove into the quiet country side. He halted his car, immediately jumping out as he saw a familiar figure making its way over through the meadow. His lips curving into a hopeful smile, Minho ran after him, shouting his name.

"Taemin!"

Startled, the boy turned around, smiling as he caught sight of the rushing Minho.

"Minho hyung..."

"T-Taemin." Minho panted as soon as he reached Taemin's side, smiling at him.

"Minho hyung... you... came." Taemin slowly started to fall, his eyes closing.

"Tae!" The elder immediately caught him in his arms, "Let's go, we're going to get you help, okay?"

"No, hyung.." came Taemin's weak reply, "I... wanna... see... the sunset."

Tears prickled Minho's eyes as he heard Taemin's words. He nodded, granting his wish and picked the boy up bridal style, making his way to the center of the field where a large tree stood. Setting the boy down, he took a seat with his back against the tree. Taemin's head came to rest on his shoulder as they stared up at the horizon, patiently waiting for the sun to set. The moment was coming quickly and the air had gone cold, making Taemin shiver. Minho, upon noticing this, immediately gathered the boy in his arms. They stayed, cuddling, as they watched the sun slowly set, casting beautiful colors into the sky.

"Tae..?"

"Mhmm?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too, hyung."

No further words were needed. Minho took it upon himself to press himself closer to Taemin, afraid to let go. Slowly, their lips met into a painfully passionate kiss. As they pulled apart, Taemin smiled at him sweetly before resting his back on Minho's chest, his head resting on the crook of Minho's neck. The older intertwined their hands as the last rays of the sun disappeared.

"Look, hyung..." Taemin giggled softly,"so many pretty stars."

"But none of them can compare to you."

Taemin blushed, laughing. The pair quickly settled into a comfortable silence, their hands together, fingers tightly weaved together.

"Hyung..." Taemin whispered, his breathing slowly becoming labored.

"Hmm?"

"I love you...Forever...and...always."

They both felt it. The end was near. Minho only clutched him closer, tears streaming down his face.

"I love you too, Taemin. Now and forever."

"Hyung?"

"Yes, baby?"

"I'm tired.... sing for me."

Oh, when this passing life withers away, you come to me

The moment I touch your frozen heart, my life begins

Taemin smiled, hearing Minho's voice as he slowly closed his eyes. It felt so right to be there in Minho's arms. He almost forgot of the reality that faced them.

When you’re tired and having a hard time

Please let me stay by your side

So I can give back to you the love I had only received

Before this life ends

Slowly, Taemin's breathing ceased, the grip he had on Minho's hand slowly slipping until he went completely limp. Minho closed his eyes, his entire being shaking as he clutched Taemin's lifeless body as if holding on for dear life.

"Taemin!"