Startled by the birdsong echoing across the garden outside, for a long time, Chaerin stared in a confused remembrance towards where the swelling yellowish orange sun was burning the faded floral wallpaper across from her brass bed. Climbing painfully from an old sore mattress standing in a long nightgown Chaerin stared out the pane glass window. She could hear the neighbor's dog barking as she watched a cat scale an apple tree stalking anxious sparrows with the first of the morning sun. Under the broken birdhouse a mouse played with a nibble of yesterday's bread she left out for the birds. Shadows shrunk in bright shyness against all of the garden fences as the last star melted into the dawn rise. She listened to and watched the awakening of a brand new day.

She could already feel the heat in the breathless August day as she made her way to the fading yellow kitchen. Framed photos lined the wall of generations past and present above her small kitchen table, white cookie jars with big faded yellow and orange flowers covered her counter as she sat in her kitchen. Silence was all she heard here there.

Her worn out veined hands brushed toast crumbs from the plastic tabletop and when she finished her faded slippered feet dust danced giddily on the yellow sun patched carpet that laid beneath her feet.

Chaerin once again looked at the sunlight shining blindly on her glazed, orange teapot, pouring more lukewarm tea into her cup and thought about birthdays back in the day as she popped all of the lovely meds she was required to take. Cakes and ginger ale, ice cream and laughter, songs, celebrations and the long dead who cared where were her thoughts of the morning laid. Smiling for the first time that day she longed for days of old knowing today was going to a long and special day.

As usual images of Jiyong popped in her mind. She could see him lately clear as day like he was there with her. She knew it was her mind playing tricks with her and sometimes she didn't mind especially on days like today. Doctors warned her and her family alzheimer's would do that. Her mind was slowly fading away and shutting down. Like every disease she had her good days and her bad but today was a day that would always be forever engraved in her mind.

Jiyong stood in front of her smiling like the sunlight waving at her. He looked just like she remembered. Tall and lean, wearing his favorite newsboy hat, crisp clean white button down shirt and brown trousers held up up a pair of yellow suspenders and of course still wearing his warn out penny loafers he refused to part with because they were broken in and comfy. Some part of her wanted to imagine her hallucinations were real and believe in some ways that Jiyong was just here visiting and waiting for her to cross over. 

"Happy birthday, Jiyong."

She called out to nothing no longer astonished at her peculiar behavior. Her happy smile faded a little as he smiled back and couldn't help but sigh knowing Jiyong wasn't really there and just a figment of her imagination.

"I didn't forget you know," she continued.

"You never have my love." he snickered.

"And I never will." she smiled back.

"Will you love me forever?" she heard him say.

"Forever and always" she assured him watching him fade away breaking as it always was.

"Then as always I'll continue to wait for you." was the last thing she heard before he disappeared for good.

Sighing she looked up at the clock on the wall, She still had a good hour or so before her ride would be here getting back up she made her way back to the bedroom glancing over at her nightstand, her eyes darting straight for the worn out teddy bear. Chaerin tightly held the worn out patch covered teddy bear wistfully thinking. The poor thing had seen better days and became best buddies with four generations of women in the Lee family. Good thing it didn't know how to speak she giggled. With all of the secrets and stories that were shared to the dusty bear it could probably write a tall tell book on them. No matter who had it the bear always made his way back to the original owner, her. Placing the bear back on the nightstand she grabbed a pen and began to write. 

Dear Diary,

Miss me? Probably not.

I thought of him again. I swore I saw his reflection standing behind me and as I drank my morning coffee. Sadly it was just my imagination playing tricks again. It's amazing how the mind can conjure of images of things or people we long to forget and remember all at the same time. My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it's surprising how often they head in his direction. 

I've also been thinking a lot since our last encounter and I noticed I never really told you the many reasons I fell in love with Jiyong. Do you know the old saying about little things mean the most. The little things, the little moments may look insignificant well it's true. I learned the hard way it's the little things that you seem to remember the most. The little kisses on the cheek, the simple hug, or even things like washing dishes after the person just cooked for you, as silly and insignificant as it may sound, are the biggest things you miss once they are gone. Small things that may be dumb at one point sometimes become you're most cherished gift.

Take for example one of my fondest memories, At the time I thought it was cute, sweet and semi childish and now I miss those times more then ever.

Chaerin glanced up at the worn out teddy bear once again feeling a smile creep up as her heart warmed up just looking at the cherished doll.

I still recall the day I received that now worn out teddy bear that has been stolen by so many countless children though out the decades and now my children you shall know now too. I'm sorry my darling children for lying all these years to you about it. I know many of times I've told you that your father, your grandfather was the one who gave it to me always automatically thinking it was Seungri but alas my oldest daughter it was Jiyong your true father.  

The morning sun shone brightly on my half covered face giving me that nice warmth you can only get from a summer sun. I could hear the quiet footsteps as they entered the room and the mattress move as he climbed up next to me. Not quite wanting to get up yet, I laid there with my eyes still shut basking in the sun as long as he allowed me too.

Jiyong sneakily made his way under the feather stuffed blanket spooning me from behind. I can't quite remember or not if I gave myself a way letting a small grunt escape from my lips from being disturbed. Either way he stilled for a moment before attempting to perform whatever it was he had planned. The only problem was I still didn't want to be disturbed at least not yet. Quietly his arms slipped around my waist as he carefully tried his hardest not to touch me. I could hear him giggle behind as he thought he was being slick and not waking me. I still didn't want to open my eyes but I was becoming curious as to what he was trying to do. Whatever it was he wanted me to remain asleep. Playing along I kept my eyes shut as I listened to the noise his arm made rubbing up against the material of the blanket feeling something fuzzy touch my nose.

I wondered if I should open my eyes yet, deciding against it. Wiggling my nose I remained still like I was asleep as he snickered behind me, once again feeling something fuzzy touch the bridge of my nose. Opening one eye closes to the bed I spotted the white teddy bear and couldn't help but smile, it lasted for a mere second but it was enough to give me away.

"I saw that."

Now it was my turn to giggle. Giggling I grabbed the bear and turned to face him. His disappointed face lasted all of two seconds before he broke out into a wide grin.

"Do you like it. I saw it and thought of you." he grinned wiggling his eyebrows at me.

Propping up on my elbow I stole a kiss from his lips, crashing back down on my pillow as I held the cute bear in my arms.

"Psh! That's all I get, a small peck." he teased.

"Why the occasion?"

His wicked grin that he tried to hide gave him away.

"Can't I just give you something to be nice." he teased me again as he planted a kiss on my eye.

I couldn't help but dreamily gazed into his marvelous stunning eyes as he stared back into mine. I couldn't look to long every time I did my heart went crazy feeling like it was going to explode at any second.

"What did you do?"

"Did you know you're very pessimistic my HunChae." he grinned.

I remember feeling a little impatient at the moment as he laid next to me avoiding my question. I couldn't help but feel a little suspicious. Wouldn't most people?

"Well it just so happens I am up to something."

"What did you do?" I answered.

Once again he gave me that whole who me look matched with his mischievous grin.

"I didn't do anything silly cat. but ummmm.......Chae, the bear is holding something for you. You know it is really great to be a bachelor but after a period every man needs someone in his life-who will make him feel like a hero, whom he can claim as his own, who will love him unconditionally, who will be caring and remains true to him all the time."
 

Jiyong was nervously looked into my eyes and started to feel elated when I nodded my head in agreement said

"I understand what you mean and I totally agree with you, Jiyong. Let’s go and see where we can find a puppy for you." I teased eyeing the bear.

I gave it a good look over not finding anything special. I could see him yawning and tsking at me as he tried to irritate me knowing it pushed me harder to find whatever it was he was hiding. Finally I found it, the thing he was hiding. There was a small hidden pocket on the back of the bear. Searching I shoved my hand inside poking around and finally felt it. The cold hard metal ring shoved inside. I gazed in awe at the simple gold ring shining in my hand.

Jiyong propped himself up on the pillows and pulled him onto his chest as I kept on gazing at the ring. I could hear and feel the rising of his chest as I laid my head on him. His warm and safe arms held me close.

"Chaecat will you do the honor of marrying me?"

I could tell it was impulsive and a rash thing he did in the spur of the moment and while most women receive dinner and flowers that was all I got. But you know what I wouldn't have changed a moment of it. Needless to say I said yes and I'm sure you can figure out what came next. 

Chaerin stopped just in time to hear the front door close and the heavy footsteps approach her. Their giggling voices getting louder with every step.

"Good Morning Grammy."

Their happy warm smiles always made her day. The girl though she had that punk rock look she had a heart of gold and sadly she reminded her a lot of him. She had that warm bubbly easy going personality just like he did. Her twin brother was the opposite of her she thought. The two came from the same womb, looked alike, yet they sometimes acted like polar opposites. Where she was outgoing, he was shy. Where she was talkative and loved making a racket, he preferred quiet mellow moments.

Which is why the two reminded her so much of her and Jiyong. Sometimes she swore her great granddaughter even had that same devilish gleam in her eyes as he did whenever she had an idea in her head that would probably get her in trouble. 

"Good Morning Minzy. Good Morning Daesung."

Minzy rushed over bubbly as usual grabbing her cane, her meds and everything she needed for the day as the two of them helped her walk to the car. The three of them were in for a long ride. Sitting in the passenger seat next to Daesung she grabbed her journal from the bag she brought. She listened to them babble about all the new things that were going on in their lives, feeling delighted by their stories and silly bickering as they tried to correct each other on silly little things. 

Dear Diary,

First off I must say if you're reading this then I know I'm off in a better place. Please don't cry. I just wanted to tell you my story about my first love. The one I never forgot. Let me first say kisses are the doorway of love, a magical moment to show your love and affection for someone you love. Kisses are always special for lovers. Whether it is the first kiss or best kiss, kisses are always encapsulated within romantic stories and mine are no different. Kissing stories have special significance to the lovers, as they share intimate and passionate moments in the kisses and to me his kisses felt like magic.

I still remember one of my funniest kisses I shared with him and one of our first.

It happened on a warm lazy summer day. The sun shone bright high above us in the sky. White fluffy clouds helped fill the sky as we laid in the grass watching them pass by. We found turtles, battleships and millions of shapes in the sky that day, we laughed, we argued about the shapes seeing different things. All in all the two of us had a lot of fun.

At one point my stomach stared to growl. As convenient as it was Jiyong climbed up the apple tree we laid under, just to grab me an apple. On his way down with the silly mood I was in I grabbed his hands and started spinning around the tree. The apple fell to the ground as he started laughing and skipping around the tree singing with me.

Ring-a-ring-a-roses,
A pocket full of posies, 
Ashes! Ashes!
We all fall down.

We started kissing and from all of the spinning Jiyong must have been dizzy causing us both to fall over. Jiyong fell to the ground and I kinda caught my self but still fell on top of him. His arms caught me as I fell and I felt his lips crash against my neck. Joking around I told him he was an idiot and a bad kisser. Needless to say he made sure to prove me wrong afterwards. Hopefully now you can see why I loved him. He was warm and silly and it made me feel that way too. With this last story I will leave you for today.

Forever with love,

Chaerin

Chaerin stopped writing the moment Daesung turned into the rather large cemetery. The long winding roads led them to a small hill with a flat headstone resting with a few others up at the top. Mountains, trees and empty wild lands as far as the eye could see surrounded the cemetery. It seemed like a peaceful and beautiful place to spend eternity she thought.

Dear Diary,

I can't help but make one more entry for the day, I needed to say this somebody, I can't lie, I miss him!

Forever with love,

Chaerin

Daesung wrapped his arm around Chaerin's supporting leading her to the top of the hill leading her to the marker she wanted to visit. Chaerin felt a tear fall from her cheek as she looked down at the grave under her. Chaerin pulled out a small folded piece of paper from her pocket as Minzy placed the wreath on top of it. The fragrant wreath looked nice with it's white ribbon and flowers laced inside.

"Grammy I made something for you." Minzy almost yelled taken the other two off guard.

They watched as the young girl pulled out three yellow ribbons and pinned them one at a time.

"I read yellow ribbons symbolizes hope for soldiers to come home safe. It seemed appropriate for today." she giggled.

Chaerin her great grand daughter's hair planting a kiss on her forehead in appreciation for her efforts. 

"Happy Birthday Mr. Kwon." Minzy stated paying her respects.

With one last sad sounding sigh Chaerin opened the folded piece of paper and began reading. 

I know I was the one who told you to leave but I never thought you would.
becoming a girl with a broken heart silently crying since the day we parted.

I know I never really told you all of this. I miss the times when we were together, I miss the times when you were still mine. 

I miss everything about you. I still listen to our song, reminds me of times when we were strong

I glance at your photo every once in awhile letting a smile creep up
as I envision your voice in my dreams whispering that you love me
Sometimes I swear I feel your hands entwined with mine
or feel your lips on mine
When you lose someone that means the world to you
you lose a part of yourself.
I hate myself for losing you and died the day you left me
Yet reborn when a part of you that will forever be with me came into my life
Though our time was short
You filled my world with a special joy and happiness that no one could ever replace
Your memories you left behind will always be a part of me
Your sunny childish ways and heart of gold made life so much brighter
Which is why you'll always be missed.
Until I can join you in the heaven above just remember you are missed more then words can say.

Chaerin felt the loving embrace of Daesung's arms around her as he grabbed the flowers from her and placed them on top of Jiyong's grave. Taking one last teary glance she gave a half smile imagining he could her hear from up above. She knew this would be the last time she would ever visiting him. She felt it in her bones, that her time here was growing shorter. The twins lead her back to the car helping her in. As they began driving off she watched his grave until it was out of sight.

Dear Diary,

It would take me a lifetime trying to explain just how wonderful of a person he truly was. Hopefully I explained just how wonderful of a person Jiyong was by now.  How much he loved me and explained just how much I loved him back. Now I can explain to you now just how it was never meant to be. How a love so happy and so pure could feel so tainted and dying. Do you remember the necklace I told you about? Well that was the beginning of the end for us.

As I explained the world was in dark times. The world was at war with each other. Germany had invaded Poland. Britian, France and even Poland had given Germany an ultimatum to get out. America was just coming out of a recession and all of this had effect on the world though it was getting better. Gangster's ran rampant still trying to over take major cities and whatnot. Jazz music ruled the stations and daffy duck was introduced to the world. It was a time of up's and downs.

Jiyong had been out of a job for awhile and as I said I idly sat by and watched his spirit fade before my eyes. He became a shadow of himself as he struggled o survive. We barely had money to even by food or even pay rent. I hated it and as desperate as I seemed sometimes not once did I ever ask for help. Yet there was always one person who always came to our rescue, always bailing us out. I'm sure by now you can guess who.....Seungri. I was always grateful for the help and owed him a lifetime of thanks, Jiyong on the other hand was grateful but it got to him.

It was already bad enough he had to deal with the fact that he couldn't provide for me but the fact that his rival could led to our biggest fight.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The harder I worked the less I began to see him and when I did he always came home in good spirits and with gifts. I thought the gods were finally started to look over us and things were changing for the better. Boy was I wrong. Things just weren't adding up. He was bringing home furs, expensive dresses, channel, he took out to fancy places and offered me the life he promised all on a paperboy salary. I lapped it up even though my gut told me something was really wrong.

Time started passing and things started changing for the better. Within six months we had every bill caught up, Our rent was paid and I found out later that he had paid for a year in advance. Seungri was paid back in full. I was able to quit one of my jobs yet I remained suspicious.

I found the answer I was looking for too. I followed him one night and became flabbergasted by what I found. Jiyong had fallen with the wrong crowd. I instantly recognized the man he was talking to. He had been in the papers quite a few times. The two looked dressed to kill, they were dashing and handsome in their suits and hats.

The notorious man was Park Hong Jun aka Teddy Park. A very well known gangster that seemed to elude every charge he was ever arrested for. You name it, he did it, murder, theft, those just named a few. He was dangerous so why was Jiyong with him?

To me that was the last straw. I waited for him to return home, his bags packed. I thought a the time I didn't need him anymore. I knew he would protest but I wouldn't have it. I refused to look like a fool or so I thought. As expected he protested coming clean. One thing led to another and next thing I knew we were screaming at each other. I grabbed a few objects throwing them at his head. Our fight just kept escalating.....then it happened.

"I only did this for you." I heard him say.

I exploded and said  "You did this for me." I mocked. "You rob and steal for me. Maybe I should of listened to everyone and chose Seungri over you. At least he's more mature then you and honest."

Biggest mistake of my life. I saw the dark storm clouds enter his eyes, that piercing death stare he gave me at the mere mention of my words. I hurt him on purpose with empty words I stated out of anger.

"Fine!" he stated sounding exhausted. "If that's what you want."

Those were the last six words I ever heard from him as he grabbed his bags and left my life for good. 

It's now I learned that I can't make someone value me. I can only show them how I feel and pray for the best. What they choose to do with the information is solely on them and once I figured that out, I finally understood or at least I thought I did. It wasn't the thought that counted, it was the actual execution that mattered, the actual showing up that mattered. They intent behind it wasn't enough. Not for me, not anymore. I needed more. I needed reassurance, I needed stability and not that kind of stability. It wasn't enough knowing deep down that he loved me. You actually had to show it to somebody, show them that you care and he didn't, not enough or at least that's what I thought at the time. That's when I made the biggest regret of my life. I had to let him go.

Weeks passed and not once after that had I heard a word from him. I hoped and anticipated for him to open the door and run back to me with open arms. That moment never came and I found myself starring out the window hoping for even just a glance. As the days passed I began to feel despair settle in. I didn't think he would actually abandoned me even if that was what I wanted. The dejection I felt left me miserable inside. Granted I did it to myself and if I knew what was to come, I never would of started the fight to begin with.

It was exactly one month after he left never to return that I found out I was carrying his child. So now here I was left alone, unwed and pregnant. Needless to say in that time and age that sort of thing was unheard of and I was scaried. 

Forever with love,

Chaerin Lee

P.S.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same and no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. You never forget them and sometimes it's those memories that give us the strength to move on. However don't wait until it's too late to tell someone how much you love them or how much you care. Because when they're gone, no matter how loud you shout and cry, they won't hear you.