It is May 23. The day of our first solo concert. How ironic that this concert had the words “The Lost Planet” in it.  We were indeed very, very lost in this massive galaxy.

Kris was gone. Our father, brother, duizhang, galaxy hyung, and friend. The dorky, cold but caring guy that brought us so much laughter was gone. The memories we hold now are just not enough to compensate the emptiness that we all feel. I am the new leader now, taking care of both K and M. I had to be strong for the sake of the younger members. They couldn’t afford to see their only leader fall apart at the seams. I’d save that for later in the safety of the dorms late at night. I wouldn’t want to trouble the guys and feed them with more worry. 

On the 15th of May, 2014, we all first heard of the news on the tv. It was early in the morning and some of the members were still asleep. Those who were awake were all shocked, frozen to the spot. I had run to wake up all the members and broke the news to them. It was a tears festival that morning, but they weren’t tears to celebrate a happy moment. Today would be the darkest day in our galaxy.

On the night prior to the concert, I don’t think any of us had a wink of sleep. Especially Tao. He was by far the closest to Kris. They even showered together on numerous occasions. This relationship they shared was special. Not anyone can be best friends with one another, especially the leader and maknae. 

The members from EXO-M had just come back from Shanghai to practice for the upcoming concert. We were all at the dorms together now and decided to sleep in the lounge room together on the floor. We needed the comfort of one another. He had cried all night, sobbing quietly into his sheets, hoping to not wake any of us up. But it didn’t matter. None of us could sleep in a situation like this. The sniffling of noses late into the night from all around me was evidence enough. I decided that enough was enough. I was human too. I let the tears flow, the anger, betrayal and what was that… pride… fuelling me on. Proud of how Kris found the strength and courage to speak up and face his hardships - His low pay, lack of attention from the company, his poor health and his inability to make decisions for himself. I prayed for Kris that night that he would stay strong and get through all this. It was tough on us right now but at least we had one another. Kris was dealing with this alone. And my heart hurt and longed for him to come back. We were all hoping for a miracle to happen.

When dawn neared, I had finally drifted off to a restless sleep. I dreamt of the time when all of us EXO went to the beach. We had shouted the words “EXO Saranghaja!” that were lost against the crashing of waves on the shore.  We watched as Kris had boldly, and without any hesitation, run into the freezing cold water. We cheered him on, admiring his courage and all the sacrifices he had made for the group. How much suffering he had gone through. I remembered running up to him and giving him a big hug, from one brother to another. At that point in time. I had visions that EXO would last a very long time as friends and brothers and could go through all the hardships together. Together, we were 100. A whole. 

I dreamt of the time we shouted our New Year’s wishes as we watched the sunrise. I had vowed to become a better leader in 2014 but so far, it looked like I had already broken my promises. But I couldn’t deny the truth any longer. I was very scared. Scared of having the sole title of leader, having the responsibility to look after all the members when I could hardly look after myself and scared of letting all of them down. 

On the morning of the concert we were all called in to our CEO’s office.  Kim Young-min. He was the root of all our problems.  The poison had seeped from the rotting core into our lives and had ruined everything. I would have thought a businessman like him would learn from the past and make sure that history wouldn’t repeat itself. Hangeng from Super Junior three years ago had a similar incident with the company and he had filed a lawsuit against SMent, similar to what Kris was filing for this time around. I sighed. An entertainment company’s image ruined again by one man who had the power to change everything. 

We all had puffy red eyes from crying and not getting any sleep.  On the contrary, our CEO was all smiles and laughter. The events of the past week replayed in my mind. I’m sure he was the great mastermind behind all that had happened to us. Our phone confiscations, the managers retaliating with violence if we didn’t cooperate, the false posts on our social media sites and hurting our members, me included. I took the blows head on, both verbal and physical but I couldn’t stand back when I saw the managers hurting Kyungsoo, Baekhyun and Luhan. I couldn’t stand still anymore. I pushed and shoved the managers backwards with as much might as I could muster but I was soon overwhelmed by their strengths. I collapsed to the ground, exhausted, tears staining my cheeks with no sight of stopping. I had yelled out in frustration and punched the door, not caring about the blood that had begun to drop onto the wooden floor. This pain was nothing compared to the pain of Kris’ unexpected leave and the pain that he would also be in right at this moment.

Maybe this was all part of Young-min’s ploy. To put all the blame on Kris. Make it seem that our Instagram and Weibo posts were from us and were heart felt. It is true that we felt betrayed. I wouldn’t lie. But our love for one another surpassed our anger and betrayal. Kris had been suffering so much for the past few months. We never mentioned it but we could all see in his eyes. They didn’t light up anymore when he talked about being on stage. We knew this day would come. Just not so soon and when we were at the height of our careers. I wondered, how long would EXO last?

We are waiting backstage now. It feels quiet. Empty. No one speaks a word and everyone looks tired and worn out. We had practiced day in and day out the new choreography. It was like learning how to walk all over again. The members, on more than one occasion, have lashed out at me, asking why Kris hadn’t turned up to practice. They didn’t believe the truth and were still all in denial. Having one member gone was just not the same anymore. With twelve members, we are one. With eleven members, we are nothing. 

The Beagle Line of Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Chen are abnormally quiet. Normally, they would be the mood makers, jumping around and messing with the rest of the boys. Seeing them so down and upset meant something was awfully wrong. And truth be told, something was very wrong. Kris wasn’t here.

This was our first concert. We all promised one another to be there until the end.  To love each other happily and to be one. But here we were, at the greatest moment of our lives and we couldn’t feel any worse. The normal feelings of nervousness and excitement were gone and replaced by an immense blanket of numbness. Nothingness. 

We heard the fan chants as we walked the narrow corridor to the stage, ready to face the crowd. We heard our names being yelled out. Kris’ name was called out much louder. We all stopped in our tracks and let that sink in. We were still one even if Kris wasn’t here anymore, right? He will forever be with EXO. In both our hearts and our memories. 

We had learnt how to act pretty well by now, hiding our emotions. We plastered smiles onto our faces but the fans could probably tell how much we were suffering. I doubt any of our smiles reached our eyes. We waved seemingly energetically to the crowd and to bring the sombre atmosphere up. I could see Tao’s eyes glassing over and I knew that he would break down at any point. But we were professionals and we had to go ahead as planned. We worked too hard for this. When we get back to the dorms, we could celebrate our achievements and toast to Kris.

The fan chants seemed different. Desperate. Even though Kris might have betrayed everyone, it didn’t change the fact that EXO were one. That we would go through the hardships and happiness as one. We were all secretly hoping that Kris would take back the lawsuit and come back. We would greet him with open arms like the prodigal son in the Bible. 

As planned, we danced to MAMA first. Our debut song. It brought back memories of our sufferings together, having to practice for extended hours every day to perfect the choreography. Kris had been there, cheering everyone on and buying drinks and snacks because we often missed our meals. As the music started blaring in the background and we had all found our positions, I gave all the members a reassuring nod. We would fight through this. 

If I was asked a month ago what I imagined our first concert to be, I would probably describe it as magical. This was far from it. The crowds were silent and it was a dark ocean. The stadium was lit up only by the stage lights. We faltered for a moment but nevertheless, we continued singing and dancing. The sight of the dark ocean reminded us of Kris so much. He was the galaxy and the light sticks were the stars. Without the galaxy, there were no stars. It was a silent protest to bring Kris back. 
As we were heading to the first chorus, each section of the stadium lit up. At first, it just looked like random stars finding their light again, but then we realised on the big screen behind us that they spelt out K-R-I-S. Tao broke down first. I noticed the tears streaming down his face and his voice choking as he sang his rap parts. From then on it was like a chain reaction. Members, one by one, started breaking down on the spot. The music in the background had stopped and all the members had crouched down on their spots and started sobbing uncontrollably. I stood there, helpless and told the fans to wait a moment before we continued. 

Hushed whispers began to fill the stadium, growing louder by the second. Light sticks began switching on. Ten. Twenty. One hundred. And then the stadium was ablaze. Fans stood up and started cheering, waving their sticks around in the air. I couldn’t understand the situation. They yelled for me to turn around and there he was. Kris. In flesh. 

I couldn’t believe my eyes. What was he doing here? Had he taken the lawsuit back? I, for one, had heard he was still in China a few hours ago and had been refused access back to Korea by the company. 

My legs moved before my mind did and before I knew it, I was running across the stage and tackle hugged Kris, tears streaming down my face. I didn’t even care about visuals any more. I was just glad that Kris was back. He had hugged me back tightly and patted my back. It felt so reassuring and so comforting. He whispered into my ears that everything was okay. He finished off with our motto “We are one, Exo. Lets love”. He grabbed a hold of my hand and led me back to centre stage. I felt like a child being dragged around by my dad. Embarrassing but the love in that gesture was evident. 

All the other members had looked up and saw Kris as well. They were probably in a state of disbelief as well. When we had reached centre stage again, we all engulfed Kris in a massive hug, the fans’ cheers in the background growing louder by the second. Like us, the fans all welcomed him back with open arms. 

Tears fell from our faces, but this time they weren’t tears of sadness anymore. Just relief and happiness. Our prayers had been answered and a miracle had happened. 

Kris, in all this commotion on stage, had walked forward and faced the crowd. He too had tears streaming down his face. He did a 90 degree bow to the audience and held that for a minute. The audience, from what it seemed, had held their breaths. We all joined Kris and linked hands together. He looked over at me and gave me a small, grateful smile. I tightened my grasp on his hands. I wasn’t going to let him go another time. 

By now, the fans’ cheers were ecstatic. Despite not having practiced all the dances, Kris knew that he belonged on the stage with the rest of the members. The moves had come to him naturally. He was born to be a star, leader of the galaxy. 

The past few days had been very tough, I had to admit, but seeing Kris on stage with us made all my, and all our worries disappear. This was truly a magical moment for all of us. 

We ended our first concert with Kris’ speech. 

Everyone. This is Wu Yi-Fan but you can call me Kris. I am sorry for causing everyone so much hurt and pain in the past week. I had never expected this whole issue to be blown up so much. There were numerous times when I had thought about leaving EXO and pursuing another career, but when I thought of the members and all our fans, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. This is why I had decided to take back this lawsuit. I have spoken to our CEO and we have come to a compromise agreement. So I am here with you all now, to celebrate a wonderful moment in our history. I am sorry for bringing everyone so much worry and heart break. I thank everyone who came today to support us, even through all the hard times. It brings me so much joy and happiness that we have such loyal and loving supporters. You are what make the blood in my body flow. You give me the energy to keep living and make music. You have allowed and supported all of us ever since day one. My members, who have stuck through thick and thin and never gave up during our trainee days, I love you. 

His voice broke as he finished the speech and had covered his face as the rollercoaster of emotions took over. We had all embraced him again and I concluded our concert. “We are one. EXO saranghaja! Always and forever!” and bowed before leaving the stadium, complete and whole, with genuine smiles on our faces. Tomorrow, our jaws would be hurting from smiling too much and too widely. A miracle tonight had truly brought us back together and nothing could stand in our way now. A miracle in May.