Dear Diary

I feel like writing as a third party observer with absolutely no interest in the subject whatsoever. Only in the hope that, maybe, that way I would be able to frame my thoughts better. I have no practices today. It's the boy's day off. I'm sitting here by the french window of my girlfriend's room, looking back at how it all started before. Everything I have lost. Everything I've gained. And right now, my heart is a wreck, my thoughts are a colossal mess. I have a girl to hold on to, yet I feel like I've lost something more. I know I let an important  person go, actually I'll be letting her go in a few hours..

Sehun shut the book as he ruffled his hair and let his eyes traverse the room. Leaping off the ledge, he wadled his way to the bed and quietly crept under covers. He nuzzled his face into the neck of the girl lying next to him. His hands founds it's way to place themselves over her thin ones, gently intertwining them. He sighed, frustrated. His thoughts stomped their way to the girl fast asleep in the living room. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration as his thoughts took him for a ride of it's own.

Hara.The very word brought a blush to his cheeks. It made him grin like a Cheshire cat, made him shiver on a summer evening, turned him into a slobbering blithering idiot. The very girl who had melted his heart the moment he laid eyes on her. There was a certain craze for her among the boys and yet she had her eyes only on the maknae. 12th June 2014. He remembered the date clearly. He had seen her at a fan meeting; a coy demeanour masked sublty with a demure and shy exterior, walking towards his line, never taking her eyes off him. He could remember scratching away autographs in a hurry just to speed up the process, just to see her inch closer to his table. It was evident. The greed and hunger to see her up close, to see that shy face brim with a blush. As she stood in front of him, Sehun couldn't stop staring. Hara was a devil's delight. Heart shaped face, plump lips, straight long hair, curvaceous yet with a meek disposition, My type, he thought. In the process of clicking a picture with her, Sehun had managed to sneakily slip his number to her. It was the most brazen thing he had ever done in his life. Cheap display of obvious affection. And he only feared that his attempt would go in vain. Although post his achievement of the above crass act (idol standards), he could not wipe the grin off his face. All the way back to the dorm, Sehun's thoughts kept fleeting back to the woman who had suddenly spun his world around. He was yet to tell his EXO bretheren yet his heart told him to call somebody else. Park Mia. His American return best friend who had been with him since Middle School, through thick and thin. He called her immediately, gushing the entire story in under one breath. She had laughed at how sheepishly he had reacted and told him that she was going to come over. Mia was what Sehun would call a polar opposite. With respect to Hara. Mia was tomboyish, messy brown locks of hair that fell till her hips which would often be put up in a messy bun or a messy ponytail. She played squash, loved horror movies, ate like a banshee and lived to embarrass Sehun. She came to the dorm later and managed to make her way to him after getting past the barricade of hormonally raging 20 year olds. There were boys in EXO who had a thing or two for Mia. Not that she repulsed the opposite or anything. But funnily none of the boys acted on their feelings. And that was somewhat always mysterious to him. Sehun decided to narrate it to her and the members then and there. His entire episode with Hara.

SEHUN POV

The heat had picked up slowly yet steadily between Hara and me. I lifted my head up to look at the profile of the figure sleeping next to me. Gently tucking her hair behind her ears, I quietly slipped out of the covers and walked towards the kitchen in the dorm. Maybe a glass of water might help me sleep.

Pulling the refrigerator door open, I snatched a visible and appetizing looking carton of milk and gulped it. YEP. The cold was soothing. Hara and I had gone to the movies tonight and come back after a quick yet romantic dinner, only to find the dorm in a ruckus. There were strange battles going on, people betting and lots of manical levels of laughter. A part of me wished I was there. Like how it used to be. Good Ol' times. But SHE had come too. Luhan and Kai and surprisingly D.O, had invited her over knowing very well that Mia and I had stopped talking, for a long time now. Due to the rift, inorder to avoid any kind of conflict, the boys often bunked at her place instead of inviting her over. 'Avoiding a scene' as Suho-hyung often put it. The closer Hara and I got, the very little time I had for Mia. With the boys, I caught up with them during travel, backstage, shows and in the dorm. But Mia was a different case altogether. Hara and Mia immediately hit it off with a lot of friction. Hara did voice out, brutally, but it was obvious to any layman that she did not appreciate Mia's sense of style or her playful, impulsive and outlandish behaviour. I stretched my arms back, resting my hands on the counter, thoughts blurring as I feverishly recalled the day that Hara had stomped into the dorm, furious.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------FLASHBACK--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"WOAAHH! Who slammed the door sh-- Oh! Hara-shi! One second, I'll get Sehun!" Kai fumbled and scurried into the kitchen to get me.

"Honey! Been waiti--Hara! What happened! You are cryi- Please sit down.. calm down Hara. Please..?" I pleaded.

"I-I-I ca-I can't- I can't believe M-Mia would tell me that!" she said between tears and daintily wiping her nose. Even that small action was pretty. What a beautiful creature. God Bless everything feminine!

"Mia? What did she say?" I asked, surprised. Only because, inspite of knowing how blunt Mia can be with other people, when it came to people close to her, she was the last person to meddle. She wouldn't voice her opinion unless asked yet tactful when further asked. I was unconsciously and unreasonably flaring up. Mia had been around more often in the dorm. I assumed the possibilty of her making a comment so. And I had seen Mia be edgy around Hara. For reasons I was not aware of. But I knew she was. She would always have an amused look, no matter what Hara and I had to say. And what I knew better was Hara disliked Mia, to the very core. And I had always without a second thought stood by Hara, even when she failed to mince back words. She had told me only the day before that, people like Mia weren't exactly the kind of people she saw me being friends with. What she also said was she was surprised as to how EXO didn't mind spending time with someone with such little sophistication. I decided to not overthink that, but Hara had planted that seed in my head, long ago. Reverting my attention from my fleeting thoughts to the weeping girl infront of me, I said,

"What did she say Hara?"

"W-well I-I was at the b-bus stop waiting to head over. And I saw M-Mia there. I waved to her and she walked over to me. And I swear to you Sehunnie, she told me that she wanted to give me a word of advice. She told me to back off. She said she had lost everything that she had with you because of me and that I was ruining the time and the relationship you guys had. She told me that she would find one way or another to get back into your life and that I simply cannot replace her.I-I didn't know she hated me that much. I know I dislike her a little bit, I thought I could make an effort to get to know--"

"Sorry to interrupt you Hara-shi, but does not sound like Mia" D.O hestitantly said, scepticism rolling off his tongue like acid. Kris hyung and Chanyeol hyung had a frown on their faces. And Suho hyung looked like somebody has washed bile down his throat.

"I know what you mean D.O- shi, and that is exactly what I'm saying. I never saw that coming too and t-that hurts-s me m-more" fresh tears started as soon as Hara said that."

"Hara, Hara, hey look at me! I'll talk to her as soon as she gets back. She is bound to be here soon. Do y-" I started

"Who is bound to be here soon?"

"WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?", my voice hollered in an octave that I found completely strange even to me. The air stilled. I rarely ever raised my voice and my gut told me this was going to be one of the worst moments in my life.

"What did I tell who?"

"HARA" my voice was escalating. I knew heart of heart how misguided and misdirected my anger was. I had not given a benefit of doubt in my heart. But some weird agitation clouded my judgement that day. And that day, that moment I couldn't put a finger on that feeling. And even before I knew, I had said things I wished I could take back.

"W-What? What are you talking about?" Mia asked calmly and confused.There was a hint of underlying sterness that I picked up only because of years of friendship with the said girl.

"YOU THINK YOU OWN ME? I AM NOT A TOY MIA. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT! I LOVE THIS GIRL. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? OR IS IT HARD FOR YOU TO COMPREHEND THE CONCEPT OF LOVE, SEEING THAT YOU NEVER HAD THE EXPERIENCE BEFORE. You and I are friends. Actually let me rephrase that, we "were" friends. We are SO DONE.  If this how desperate and pathetic you can be, and petty mind you, NOBODY WOULD FALL FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU. Hence, you are DAMN RIGHT TO FEEL INSECURE ABOUT YOURSELF!"And that was my lowest blow and I regretted it immediately.It was like my mouth had a mind of it's own. I had had more to say " QUIT STRUTTING AROUND THE PLACE LIKE IT'S YOURS AND DEFINITELY QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW ME. YOU WILL NEVER TALK TO ME OR HARA AGAIN." You breathed out heavily. I looked around to see the members, shell shocked and worried. Hara looked a little satisfied and worried at the same time as she wrapped her hands around mine, clingling by my elbow. The one person whose face I did not have the strength to see, Mia. If she was shocked she hid it very very well. She looked down, her messy bangs falling over her face. She tugged at her sling bag and I could see her knuckles hardening. I knew this habit of hers. Biting back anger, resentment, Tears. She looked up and her expression scarred me. Devoid of emotion, eyes unfocused and glistening, I instantly knew the pain and the damage I had caused.

"I'm going to take my leave. Sorry." she fumbled and scurried out of the door. Ran would be the right word. None of the members moved from there for a few minutes, until Suho-hyung and Luhan-hyung shot out of the door like bullets. The deafening silence only accentuated the thick and angsty atmosphere that echoed in the dorm throughout the day

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Sighing, shaking my head I put the carton back in, slowly shutting the refrigerator door. It had been four months since Mia and I had spoken. It was the longest since middle school. We would fight like bat- crazy pups and reconcile in a few minutes. The longest back then had been three weeks, I had blamed her for some notorious crap I did.  I was heading back to my room when I saw a dim light from the living room. Walking slowly; I saw Mia lounging by the sofa. She pushed her geeky glasses up, those nimble fingers gently scraping her nose and she cuddled herself further into the cushion, groaning in her sleep. It looked like she had been working and had forgotten to switch off her laptop. Lingering for a few seconds by the entrance to the living room, I walked upto the table top to shut the laptop down. The page that had lit up the screen threw me off. 

She was leaving. The page showed her Boarding Pass to Los Angeles. And she was leaving tomorrow afternoon. I stared at her increduosly. Did the members know? I slammed her laptop shut and walked hastily to my room and tucked myself in bed. Hara turned around, feeling my presence; rested her head on my chest and wrapped her arms around me.

"What took you so long?" she mumbled

"Was just a little hungry. Go back to sleep Hara."

Mia was leaving. But why did it hurt now? And she was going to stay far away from my life. And to leave without me knowing?

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The next morning was sullen. The only cheerful person in the house was Hara. She had offered to make breakfast for the boys today. That saved a lot of us, a lot of trouble. Mia had left early in the morning around six. So when we woke up at 9, we were all exhausted in our own ways. The boys had partied hard last night with Mia and I was mentally exhausted after trying to put myself to sleep when I came to know SHE was leaving. Luhan and Kris, I got to know later, were at Mia's place. Helping her with all the last minute packing. As I woke up, D.O and Kai were leaving to see her. A strange turbulence stirred and I did not know how to understand that feeling. Suho-hyung walked up to me after thanking Hara for the breakfast. Always the polite one.

"A word Sehun?"

"Sure hyung." you tried to sound unaffected, hoping Suho didn't notice the smallest of cracks in your voice.

"Umm, the reason why some of the boys are not here is bec-"

"I know hyung. I saw the ticket on her laptop last night.", his voice cold. If it surprised Suho, he did not show it.

"Oh! Well It's not that we did not want to tell you Sehun. She did not want you to know. Sh-"

"She thought under the given circumstances, a goodbye is unnecessary?"

"Something like that." He said as I started walking away. 

"Sehun-ah!"

"I'm her best friend hyung! I think I deserve atleast that."

"It's weird that you'd proclaim something like that when you haven't treated her like one" came a voice from behind.

"X-Xiumin hyung?"

"You told her to stay out, besides a lot of other things. Think about it hard Sehun."

I was left right then and there in the dark. Hara came bouncing upto me to talk and I nodded smiling weakly. She had wanted to go for a picnic today and had been planning this for ages. I sat beside her, my arms dangling over her shoulder lifelessly. She went on excitedly talking about everything that seemed the most enticing to do today. Her words were falling on deaf ears for my mind was preoccupied with what Minseok hyung had told me. Slowly, as time rolled by, the guys had started leaving to Mia's place and I was yet to come to a conclusion. I tried my hardest to pay attention to anything that Hara had to say and I somehow managed that grand fete here and there. Suho hyung was staying back, he was never good with goodbyes and he told me that he was going to call HER and send her off. Hara had told me to be ready in half an hour and in half an hour SHE would leave for the airport. My thoughts were turbulent. I appreciated these few minutes of peace I was getting. To think.  I walked into my room and slammed the door shut behind me. I walked towards my wardrobe and rummaged thoroughly and finally fished out a photo that I had stashed at the back of my clothes. And without realising a smile etched itself onto my face.

It was a picture of me and Mia, taken when we had all gone for a trip to Jeju Island. I had always been several inches taller than her, but somehow, her head snugly fit at the crook of my neck. Her head was thrown back in laughter, her fingers intertwined with mine as my arm hung over her shoulder. I was laughing along with her, my nose rubbing against her cheek,  with the biggest smile on my face. And I genuinely couldn't remember the last time I had laughed like that. But what surprised me the most was the look in my eyes. Adoration, love, admiration, respect, companionship, friendship. I had thought that's how I looked at Hara, but turns out, I had been wrong all along

Mia. Such a wild palatte of colours flashed before my eyes that it was enrapturing. This girl I had grown up with, made fun of her, laughed with her, at her, teased, mocked, insulted and angered the living deaths out of each other, knew my flaws, my pride, my demons, my anguish, my pain, my sorrows, my happiness, my joys. My smile in that picture said it all.  And I knew hers just as equally. Figments of clarity started to take shape. The jagged pieces of the puzzle were falling into place. The sudden sprout of affection that was always in my heart, I mistook it for true unadultereated friendship. But it had always been more than that. The fondness that had ebbed inside me for this tomboyish, impulsive, reckless, mischievous, absolutely no equilibrium, tantrum-throwing, drama queen was something more than love. Bordering on obsession but  an essential. She was constant. Mia had always been my ground. I knew now why it bothered me when she hung around so much in the dorm. It was because, She wasn't here for me, she was here to meet them. 

As another realisation hit me, I grasped on to the nearest support I could find.

Hara did melt my heart but  SADLY it was never hers to claim in the first place. It always belonged to a messy haired, boyishly sensuous, tanned skin brunette.

And boy was Mia a y minx. The first time I acknowledged that was at the success party that SMEnt threw for EXO. She had worn a little black dress and her long locks in a messy fall. Her huge brown eyes rimmed with black kohl to just give enough highlights and boy did I find it hard to take my eyes off her the entire night. I had tried my hardest to rid myself off that feeling because I did not want to ruin our friendship.  As I think about it now, I could feel the same spark tickle in the thores of my feelings. That intense urge I had had that day to kiss the day lights out of the girl and to pin her close to me and never let go. thankfully, stopping me from ruining anything, Hara had later walked into my life and was a welcomed distraction. Hara had masked all that desire and had kept me occupied whilst I ignored not only the feeling I had had for Mia, but forgotten them. Forgotten her. But looking back at it now, Hara couldn't have completely taken over me even if she wanted to. If EXO is my biggest strength, Mia is my weakness. My gravity, that binding force. She was there to help me pick things up when I lost faith so much so that I swore to never audition again. And now to say goodbye to a person like that, as a pathetic and undeserving friend, how could I possibly blame her for not telling me. I took her for granted. Every single bit of her. It froze my senses. The numbness washing over me was monumental.

"... sh-.." I swore through my teeth.

"SEHUN!!! Seh- Oh! Omo where are you going? Sehunnie, we have t-" I shut her up with a kiss. 

"Hara, here's the truth. I love somebody else. I mean I have always been in love with somebody else. I was an idiot to never have realised it. I mean this is the one person, I have locked away hidden dreams and fantasies about. You and me, this, what we have, Well..this is never going to work. I hate to be rude.. but feel free to leave anytime." The shock plastered on her face was, in a mean way, priceless. Guess that's what you get for messing  and lying about the woman I love.

"Oh Sehun! What's the commoti- Oye! Where are you going?" Suho-hyung walked out with his sweater and shoes on, like he was ready to go somewhere.

I quickly out my shoes on, checked my reflection and swiveled around to look at my hyung in the eye. Grinning broadly.

"I have somewhere to be hyung."

"Race you to the parking lot?"

"You bet Hyung!" And we raced out of the door.

You wait, Mia. I'm going to be the devilish wind you never saw coming your way and I'm going to sweep you off your feet, like never before! You woman, will be the death of me. Sorry love, for keepin' you waiting All Along!