To Jackson,

Dear friend, I don't know if you will ever read this letter, but I can't contain my feelings anymore, so I decided to write them here. I'm sitting here in my bedroom. GookJu is out for her schedule and Nana is downstairs playing with Oi. You are not in your bedroom, so I think you are gone for your schedule. I wanted to see you today so badly, but for the time I came inside your room it was empty. I still don't know how don't you discover that calling your for breakfast or annoying you is just an excuse to be close to you. Well, I actually hope that you don't discover it soon.

I am really thankful to Roommate because I got to know all our family. We all have become really close, but I need to be honest and say that at first I was scared. I didn't know anybody and I had just debuted at that time. Hopefully Nana and GookJu were really good to me. Now that you know me better you can see that I felt really uncomfortable around oppas and Seho was a bit scary at first. Also Sunny and JongOk are nice, but I don't feel as comfortable with them as I feel when I'm with you. It was nice to see that them all liked and found funny my laughter. Also how I wrap the meat. Fortunately, nowadays we have become almost as a real family.

We have had so many funny times together...I still remember when we made kimchi. Also when you carried me on that wheelbarrow, do you remember? Also those times when we recorded a fake MV. But even at those times I became really jealous of GookJu onnie. I tried to hide it but I think that sometimes you realized that I was acting weird. What does onnie have that makes you want to be so close to her? Maybe she is funnier than me, but I still wonder if you would ever look at me the same way as I do to you. I envy your admiration towards her, how you always try to hold her arm, how you always lay on her bed.  Will you ever treat me the same way? I will be waiting for that day.

I felt relieved when omma and onnie came to visit us for Christmas. I felt less alone. It hurt so much when they had to go. But there was one thing that hurt even more. Actually two. The first one was to see you cry. I know that it was from happiness, but I know how much you suffer, and I can't avoid feeling your own pain. I was really happy when I saw your mom coming. She is really beautiful, and now I understand why I find you so handsome, you got the best from your omma. The second thing that hurt a lot was when I danced to 'Honey'. You didn't even take a glance to me; your eyes were only fixed on Seho and his clothing. I tried my best to make you look at me, but you didn't. I have promised myself that one day you will look at me with different eyes and since then, I am working harder. That is the reason why I am not as much as before at the house. I spend longer at the company rehearsing a lot, so one day you can be amazed by my dancing or singing.

Of course I love being at the shared house, but sometimes it is unbearable because of you. Why? I have two reasons. First of all, you are really noisy. Every single time that you are with KangJoon or Joon oppa I feel like slapping you, but I prefer just to stare at you with a weird look, trying to contain myself. Second, you are always looking for your noonas, from GookJu to her friends. Why can't we stay alone? You always go and disappear looking for someone. The only time we were alone was at the car and you fell asleep. It was so bittersweet.... We were alone and together, but on the other side you fell asleep. That's why I decided to take some pictures of the moment. Yes, I still have them, in fact I treasure them. 

Most of the time that you are not at the house I waste the time trying to train Oi. When you are around I always try to catch your attention. But catching an octopus with my hands is not enough for you to be surprised; catching eels with my hands isn't either. I need to improve some skills to amaze you, but I have already given up, I am not at the height of GookJu, not to remember your so called ideal type Gayeon. Come on, I have kicked you so many times.. Maybe I need to be tanned? You also wanted to be near Hara when she came to visit. Why does this hurt so much?

I don't really remember when I fell for you. You are the one that I think about all day, the childish boy that wants to swim all the time or play basketball, the one who hates being the maknae but is weaker than anybody else in the house. Yes, I have realized that your martial arts thing is just a cover, only a mask. You are weak, but you try to hide it.

Do you want to know the only thing that soothes my pain? When your parents came I introduced myself as your friend, but Seho said that I am your girlfriend. Your father's response was even more shocking.. He said he already knew it. I still wonder why he said that and what have you told them. That only sentence he said is my only and final hope, the reason why I gathered the courage to write this.

I still don't know where will I hide this letter. Should I give it to you? Maybe I will just "forget it" in my bed. Well, you wouldn't even find it in that case. Should I tell GookJu about my feelings for you? Maybe she can hand you the letter.

Even though I am crying right now while writing this I am happy for all the memories we have created together. From playing the Korean drums to learning new martial arts. From going to the supermarket to let you feed me with ice cream. From awards ceremonies to give me your jacket. From the first snow to breakfasts at midnight. I will never forget them.

Another thing that warms my heart was the acting lesson that JongOk gave us. You held my arm. I swear I can still feel your touch. You said that I was your wife. To be honest, at that moment it didn’t mean that much as it means now. I also was your Juliet, and you my Romeo. A better version from the real one in my opinion.

You couldn’t avoid smiling when I danced Sunny onnie and Yoona onnie. Why did you have that smile? Did you find me cute? Everybody praises me for my hard work, everybody but you. We even got angry once, do you remember? We had to make up at a coffee shop. Ah... babo.

You held my hand another time, and I am glad that we were covered with mud, so you couldn’t see me blushing. It is incredible how many times we have held each other, but your touch still makes me feel goosebumps.

Why have we cried so much? You were touched when I cried with Hara. I was touched when you cried for your parents. But still we haven’t sat down and cried together. I would love to do that, to let my inner self cry with someone that truly understands me. If I am your best friend we could do that, right?

Do you remember when Choi HongMan went to visit us? I did my best aegyo, but he still chose Sunny. Didn’t you become just a little bit jealous? I hope so; I have never done that kind of cute aegyo to you.

I am really afraid that you might reject me. You once said that a relationship between us might be impossible. Maybe you just said that to the press to distract them, but now I fear that you really meant it. I bet you don't remember many things from these past weeks together, but I can tell you that I won't forget them for sure.

In any case, I think it's time to let you slightly know. If you reject me I will treasure the teddy bear you gave me when the cameras weren’t recording. You don’t know yet, but I named him Jackson. I hope you name yours with my name. I am still wondering why you gave me the black one. Maybe because you are tanned? That would explain why yours is white. Is that a couple thing? Uh, maybe I am just taking things for granted.

I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I should have tried, that's why I'm making my move because the child I know will never take the first step. He is too afraid and insecure. Or maybe because he doesn't feel the same way. However, we won't ever be able to start the next chapter if we keep re-reading the last one, so here I am, daring to lose you.

I love you, my roommate.

Yours sincerely,

YoungJi