It’s really not that difficult to use that little muscle strength just to open your eyes. In fact you do so even without thinking most the time. But Yoona wishes that it could be harder. For a moment, her vision is an unfamiliar monochromatic colour scheme. Dull. Where did all the colour in the world go? Of course. Her sunglasses are on. It’s peaceful enough, being in business class means that the drone of the engines of the plane were only a worry for those further down the aisle. As she turns her head slightly, an absence in the air was soon replaced by a tornado of other things. Everything seemed dangerously calm. The peace is nothing more than an illusion. Her stomach lurches and grinds and does all these other techniques to unsettle her once again. Just like before -before she had deprived herself of both energy and tears. She glimpses back to the members, feeling an almost tugging feeling on the corner of her eye. Her mind flashes back to that expression on her sister’s face just moments ago. That was when it all happened.

She suddenly wishes that she could join those down in economy. Maybe she could pay attention to the engines of the plane. Maybe they would do a good job at distracting her. Maybe they could lull her back to sleep. Maybe…

Yoona was fooled once again, not having realised the preciousness of the nightmare she just had, nor the value of such escape from what is now drumming at her temples, throbbing at and wrenching at her heart… reality.

Her sisters (that are present) appear not to be bothered by it. But Yoona has been living with them long enough to know better. From the way nobody has spoken to each other yet, not even at the airport, to the way they are slightly turned away from each other, despite sitting so close. It has been seven years after all since they were announced to live together officially.  Seven years... and several more she swallows the lump in , and wriggles the tingling out of her nose. But she was not fast enough to stop the hot liquid from escaping her eyes. They slide down her bare facial complexion, some replenishing the dried out tracks of tear stains she was not bothered to deal with. Not even when it gave her eyes a sensation of resistance. The warmth burn and sting happen all at once again but she is (still) non respondent.

It is resting hour of this flight to China. Though short in distance, it is the longest flight that the members ever had. The shades are down but none of the members seem to care, keeping their sunglasses on. Perhaps it is not so bad familiarising themselves with this colourless world.

Sooyoung has a blindfold on, a blanket over her legs. It seems plausible until you hear the occasional pre-timed sniffling of her nose. Sunny looks as if she is aimlessly flitting through the available entertainment selection of the month, but the angle her head is tilted tells it all. Yoona glances over at Seohyun, and is pretty convinced even through her glasses that her cheeks are nourished with enough saline moisture. The others are trying on varying degrees of acting asleep but she knows that none of them really can. After all, their sleeping beauty was not on this flight with them. A part of them was not with them. Not anymore.

***

Standing under the blazing stage lights - in front of all those that had come far and wide to support them - they wordlessly remind themselves that they must be strong in front of them. They perform their own parts as normal, their hearts lurching into the crevices of darkness when hearing parts where it is only the instrumental soloing on - when the only way they hear that missing voice, is in their hearts. But it is too much, just too much; the background music without a melody becoming duller; the air feeling heavier and heavier to breathe.

Yoona tries holding back with all her determination. But all that strength that she was known for had abandoned her at the very same moment her sister looked into her eyes with the emotions swimming inside. It still haunts her. She tries catching Seohyun from her fall. But what comes to her ears complete makes her drown in sentiment for a few seconds and then she too, crashes. They, she never will be again.

***

The tiniest part of her is grateful for the immediate return back to Seoul. But that inkling of a feeling is just so subtle that she is unable to decipher it. All she feels is the growing sensation in the pits of her stomach and the warmth collecting her legs as their car approaches - what she is no longer able to bring herself to call - home.

The light of the day had already left them for what felt like forever to Yoona. She knows the other members feel it too. Yet it has only been a few hours into the night as they reach the familiarly lit building. Through the window, Yoona catches the absence of light on the level they reside. It has become a habit of hers over the years, returning from mentally and physically draining schedules. Comfort and relief was what the illumination from within provided during merciless hours of the dark. Today, the darkness was just hostile.

 By this point in time, she subconsciously expects endless list of notifications on her phone that will trace back to the instant the news was first released. She only hopes that her handy companion has exhausted itself from its duties. Yet, there is still no inclination to find it especially at the thought that flicks by her mind that most the notifications would be re her caring boyfriend.

Just as her feet touch the kerb, she lifts her head warily at the sound of approaching footsteps. There is no particular feeling at registering whom it was. Her lips manage something close to ‘seunggi oppa’ as Sunny and Seohyun offer a greeting with not much difference to hers. They both hold yoona’s hands momentarily and forward back towards the lobby.

“You didn’t reply to my messages. I was worried stark.” He strides forward so that he can take both her hands in his. She retracts them a little without thinking. “Are you al…” he stops mid-sentence reading the almost unnoticeable warning in her expression.

“I’m tired” she tries her best to muster maybe a polite expression.

“I know you are,” he continues holding her hands, bringing them closer to him for warmth. He looks into her eyes and it is that look again. It is th look that makes Yoona excuse herself from any other decisions but to accept his offer. She readies herself for what comes next, already knowing the routine “but give me an hour, just one hour”

She surrenders to that feeling in her stomach, to his offer, to the fact that he is her boyfriend after all.

***

Seunggi confidently leads her along, pulling their linked hands, towards (yet) another food stall in the night markets. He urges her to make a pick from the display of scrumptious street delicacies, she only offers the slight movement of her head from side to side under her face mask. The male ends up having to make choices of his own across the smorgasbord.

The scent of food fills up the interior of Seunggi’s car, having opened all the picks of food he had made. Yoona forces a smile to tell him thank you for doing it – the thoughts he put into what she usually enjoys doing and the mythical shopping therapy - though rewardless. Her chopsticks don not touch any food for a fourth time.

He was the middle of telling another one of his jokes – which before this day, she laughed in courtesy at – when she feels it almost suffocating her; the reality, him and everything. She thanks him and tells him the thought that had been on her mind from the moment she decided to follow her gut and accept his offer.

“Seunggi Oppa, I need some time alone” she tells him as he walks her back to the spot they were around an hour ago. He understands and decides not to continue offering a walk around.

Only as she sees the disappearing of his car around the corner is she able to breathe.

***

The reflection of the lights on the surface of the mesmerising Han river seem just enough to keep Yoona intrigued by the way they flicker so peacefully. Even they lose focus as all she hears are her thoughts, strangled pain in the heart and those memories.

This was what she actually needed since the morning – an escape from the things that inflict that scrunching of her heart. Right now it was everything in her life; this life she had chosen. So she did just that, leaving her dorm once more not long after the magical hour of midnight to the mercy of light traffic, freedom granted by her unnies succumbing to sleep early, and her bicycle.

The breeze is both agonising and soothing at the same time. It takes a tiring effort just to focus on the latter. She closes her eyes allowing whatever she had held back in front of surveillance and her sisters’ eyes since the fan event. The warmth is soon stolen away by the chill in the air even before rolling past her lips. Inhaling deeply, she sniffs and continues immersing herself into those dangerous waters of thoughts.

Time had crept past her by the time she feels the effect from the exposure to the harsh currents of air. It is the coldest night since the beginning of autumn. She knows it because she feels the effects even from the inside. She wraps her hands around herself, rubbing her arms, the material of the jacket cool to the touch. Then a new feeling is introduced to the nerves on the back of her hand as it brushes past them and a light weight is added to her shoulders.

He need not make a sound for her to know who it was. She does not move. He does not expect her to. So he simply leans over the railing, and stares into the moving silhouettes on the water in a way like he was the one who had been here for hours. And it stays that way for many moments more. The time seemingly crawling at a normal pace now. He gives her space in a way that still lets her know that he is right there.

Finally having had enough of the water's consolation (and not feeling much effect until time felt like it finally decided to unfreeze - with the additional presence in the air), she turns around and heads towards the grass across the bike trail. He does not shadow her, only joining her after she settles down onto the grass. Just before he lowers himself fully to the ground, she looks at him

“Oppa… why” and she realises that she was foolish enough to start the question. Seems like it was not only her strength that had abandoned her, she suspects her most her senses had departed too because Changmin had already answered with his eyes. The ends of her lip sort of twitch up momentarily as she puffs a little air through her nostrils; sneering at herself for having failed to realise that.

He masks the sympathy (and something else mixed with it) so well behind those gently smiling eyes. He executes it so well that Yoona could only tell by the years she had known him. She takes it as credit for the thirteen years they’ve known each other. Has it been that long? The silence is hanging again, but they are both affected by none of that.

Because it has been this long. Perhaps it is (only) he that knows of this place they share. A place where they just let all their negativity diffuse into the surroundings; sharing their sadness.

She bends her outstretched legs and brings them closer to her chest as they both continue to stare at nothing in particular in the distance. But once again, a wave out of the blue annihilates whatever she had attempted to reconstruct – a wall out of grains of sand. The liquid gathers so quickly that when she finally blinks - after holding back to the best of her ability - they trickle straight off her complexion and onto her clothing. It has become a spontaneous action. Feeling the sturdiness and warmth that just shifted against her arm and shoulders, she instinctively takes his offer and leans onto his shoulder.

He does not seem to mind - the way he usually does - when his clothing gets dirty or wet in one way or the other when he feels the liquid soak into the layer underneath his jacket. Not even a tiny trace of irritation can be found when he releases his long held sigh with slow staggered breaths hoping not to disturb her. All he does is produce a tissue packet from his pocket and hands one to her.

“It’s not your fault…” she feels his gentle voice rather than hearing it. It lacks that reprimanding that she expected from him; feeling like a contactless caress. But somewhere in the back of her mind, there is an echo calling for her; a place she had not accessed for… even she does not recall how long.

***

“It’s NOT your fault” it’s her own voice, Yoona realises. One that she has never used on Changmin - not even the time he took the blame for Kyuhyun having dropped her phone into water. It was filled with so many texts. But it held something more important… memories and moments. With his lack of response, Yoona applied force and pushed the heavy alcohol reeking weight against the wall and stood in front of him so that she faced him.

“Look at me!” her tone scalded even herself. “IT. IS. NOT…” her sentence was broken off, when she felt something tight wrap around her. She did not even attempt to break free. Because what broke next was her heart, when she heard his first release of emotions. She knew tears were falling, she could hear (and feel) the pain in his cries.

“…your fault” she finishes. “It’s not” as she reciprocated the embrace and her hand pats his back.

***

He straightens her up, as she continues sobbing. Im Yoona does not show this vulnerable side to anyone outside of her group and family. And she is kind of glad - when she inhales deeply after he tells her to breathe - that it is Changmin in front of her. He wipes the tears off her face with both his thumbs and gazes into those doe eyes – the only shine that are left are only caused by the tears.

“It’s not your fault Im Yoona.” She shakes her head, closing her eyes as if bearing pain. She covers with the back of her hand to stop sound from coming out. Something shatters inside Changmin. And he is glad that emotions are intangible to other people other than yourself.

She is tempted to stay here, while listening to the whispers of the river, for as long as the sun is on its break . But she decides against it as soon as she catches the tiredness behind his eyes during a glance he had not expected. It was something she normally would not overlook. He was also in the process in stifling a yawn, Yoona concludes- seeing the way he removes his hand from his mouth at lightning speed. Having the long hand on her watch slip past midway between three and four unnoticed, she is even more determined as she persuades him to return to his dorm. He gives her an uncertain look as if asking a question. She nods even before he needs to raise his eyebrows, this time attempting a bit of a smile.

 They settle on an agreement that he would leave if she does too, to have another shower and try to get some sleep. He places a paper bag in the basket of her bicycle as she loads herself on. She tilts her head curiously, hearing a 'clack' like sound as the contents meet the metallic material of her basket. He only smiles when she is about to reach for it. With his change in expression, she can tell that he is now daring her to reach for it . She sees the shift in his eyes that tell her 'that it might be dangerous... you never know'. 'There's my oppa' she thinks. So she supresses her urge.

Before she sets off, she turns around, catching him the same moment he does so too. She mouths something and he just gives her one of those smiles she has known since sometime she does not remember. He turns and lifts his arm up in a casual wave.

***

“You girls choose” the suited man sitting at the end of the meeting table folds his arms. The girls avoided looking at each other, adding to the lifelessness of the room. 

“You must remember, this way, she could actually be achieving her dream.” They all suddenly looked up at these words. It was only now that they knew that there is no pretty ending for this. He has more up his sleeves. Between the eight pairs of female eyes, there is a mixture of shock, disbelief, fear and disgust.

Yoona feels the nerves acting up in her hands, they begin to tremble. She clasps them so tightly circulation could almost be cut off.  

“Simple. No lawsuit. She loses nothing”

“He’s wrong!” Yoona painfully breathes under her covers. She clenches her fist so tight, her hand becomes even whiter than they already were. We all lost everything. She in another deep breath without any inclination of removing herself from the soaked pillow. The tears go up her nostrils as she does so; the tissues being too far away for her to even bother to reach though they are just beside her bed.

***

Most the girls could not even bring themselves to look into her direction. They had already distanced themselves the furthest they can. They had no idea how much was left of their hearts after they had started to deteriorate from that confrontation. Seohyun grabbed onto Yoona’s free hand, the other clawed tightly at the side of her top.

Taeyeon stepped up to do the most difficult job out of all of them. opened and the girls felt that they stopped breathing. She tried to remain as passive and emotionless as she can. Yoona wondered how brave she was. But from the flickering behind her eyes - which only the one out of the nine girls was unable to notice – Yoona turned to wonder about how much more pain she was bearing.

“Either Girls’ Generation. Or Blanc” Probably only Jessica did not realise the way their leader had to swallow in between the two choices.

***

One moment before Jessica choked her answer, her eyes found Yoona’s. No amount of tears could wash the image away, no matter how many Yoona wasted.

“Why?” she remembers closing her eyes and asking the whole world.

WHY?! Yoona uses all her force to pedal ahead, hoping to be fast enough to escape her thoughts. But not even the harsh winds of dawn piercing her exposed face are enough to distract her; not even slightly. This time, at the Han river, there are no tears. Just that all-too-familiar gnawing ache.

“WATCH OUT!” A voice calls from behind. It is a call that saves her from colliding into an oncoming biker. She brakes just in time with adrenaline pulsing in her veins. A few seconds later, she hears another bike stopping next to her. Leaving her bike, she paces quickly towards the river, so that her back is to him. He catches up to her, catching her wrist just in time.

“Yah Im Yoona, you know how dangerous it is to suddenly ride that fast?!” He scolds her. His simmering fury dissipates into the air in less than a split second. He spots the fresh tear tracks despite her trying to cover it with her hair. Yoona looks up at her companion’s eyes.

“I’m sorry oppa” And Changmin loses all the strength in him.  She covers her face with her hands and sobs “I’m sorry…” He pulls her in and wraps his arm around her, patting her back, the other caressing her head. Yoona silences herself, letting the liquid flow on its own accord. She does not take the time to think about how she is in this spot as she feels the vibrations of his words against his chest.

“Silly, there is nothing for you to apologise for” She pulls back after hearing his response. With a few determined nods, she tries convincing him

“There is. There is” she searches his eyes for his understanding of the point she is making. But of course, he is unable to see the logic behind it.

“I’m sorry I ruined Girls’ Generation, I’m sorry I didn’t find a way to fight Kim Young Min” He tries to interrupt, his fists clench, shaking his head to begin with

“Why are you taking everything on yourself? It’s not you or”

“I was part of it!” 

“It’s not any of your fault!” He reasons with her but she just shakes her head, while trying to hold back her tears. “You…”

“No Oppa, I’m sorry I’m so useless, I’m taking up all your time and wasting it!”

***

Another cup of hot cocoa is found in its tray outside the doorstep of their dorm just a little after midnight. Resting beside it is a tiny paper bag filled with little cushiony marshmallows.

Yoona picks up the delivery almost as a routine now. It is needless for thought to know who it is from. The moment she re-enters her room to a sleeping unnie, she knows that the candle does have the effect Changmin said it would have. It is rose tonight, the strong scent that has now dispersed through the room, immediately calms her.  The other candle is resting beside her freshly delivered courier. And as she lets the first marshmallow melt alone in , she sighs as the wordless message sinks in. What she does not realise is that it is not as heavy as she thinks it sounds.

***

Each move of the rehearsed choreography is on beat. The moves have already seeped into the rhythms of their souls where their bodies move on its own accord since they originally learnt the dance. But Yoona continues practicing as if her life depends on it. Beads of sweat overlap each other’s trail as they roll off her skin.

The energy in the eyes of the reflection are scrutinising her. She needs to practice. That is what she needs to do. Because she knows that if she stops, she would think and when she thinks, her world would crumble again.

Just at this, her arms stretch out at the wrong angle, so she stops and heads over to her phone, only to start the song all over again. Changmin pulls the handle down and enters without invitation or announcement. He strides powerfully and purposefully towards the spot in the room where she was moments ago. Just before the first line, his finger meets the pause button on her phone screen.

She glares at him through the mirror, but he stands his ground. He begins to walk towards her, only to find her slide past him to reach for her phone again. But he catches her wrist just before she successfully walks past him.

“Im Yoona, stop doing this to yourself!” She steps back so he can see her clearly, and is about to retaliate when he continues “I know everything won’t be the same again”

She snaps back at him, with something she wanted to say to her boyfriend.

“What do you…” she freezes mid track finding those scars hiding behind those deep eyes. She sees the impressions of them just under the light. Her eyes widen at her realisation. How could she forget? An internal scolding begins in her mind.

“Sorry…” she gulps down the lump in , momentarily hanging her head down and then looking back into his eyes.

“now would you please calm down and listen to what I have to say?” pursing her lips she nods.“Do you know what day it is?” only getting a shrug as a response. So he answers for her.

“It’s been seven days, Yoona”

***

The figure that was trying to skip stones into the Han River failed so pathetically, she wondered if he was even trying. One big splash and they disappeared into the dusk reflected in the water, probably on their path down to the bottom of the river bed. The person was a stranger, so distant, and so pitiful.  It was not the Changmin oppa she knew at all. 

And from the way his clothes seemed to be sticking slightly to his skin she confirmed that her instinct was correct. He had been doing what he had since then - trying to exhaust all the cells in his body by dayless, nightless practicing. She takes a deep breath and sighs it all out before heading over.

Changmin’s fingers found another stone and like all the others he had merely acquainted with before, went straight into the river, without even some kind of performance. Just as he was about to swing his arm, he felt the presence appear next to him and sees the stone skipping across the water so effortlessly – the spectacular performance he wanted.

He was about to resume his action when he felt the resistance, her pulling at his arm.

“Oppa”

“What do you want Yoona?” Not  minding her presence at all despite the irritation purposely painted into his voice.

“You should stop doing this to yourself. Yunho oppa needs you there too” she begins, letting his arm go, and squeezing her fingers together.

“What do you know?” he scoffed more coldly than he actually meant, he saw the way she made a subtle shift backwards, but recovers with an advancing step.

“I know what today is” she smiles challengingly

“what?”

“It’s the seventh day”

“of?”

“You know oppa, don’t pretend you don’t. And it means that you should stop doing this to yourself.”

“Doing wh-" he catches her look and decides not to continue with that "Why should I?”

“Because seven is my lucky number. And I say, today is the last day you are allowed to be a slacker.  Seven days is enough to try to destroy yourself for.” She pauses and glances across at him. She has his attention.

“I know I don’t know anything about how you feel right now. I lost someone too . I was young and it’s different, I know. But nothing is going to be the same anymore…” she feels the slipping of the air into a darker shade, so she hurries on. “But something will remain.” She takes his hand and opens his fist, dropping something light, feathery to touch into his hand.

“You must not forget why you were originally here” she watches him trace his finger over the knitted word on the bracelet.

“It was not your fault at all. This may be their best chance they need as well. You know it." She ignores all her nerves and difficulty to breathe. He is still listening.

 "Don’t care about what the world says. Because this should remain shining…” she points at the word “no matter who tries to bury it in dust. And you must know that there are some people who are there waiting for you to find your shine again, there to support you forever like your family, like your fans, like us hoobaes and like…” she trails off and shakes it off “it doesn’t matter, you get the point” placing his other hand over it. “so protect it, don’t let it fade… not in a way you dance yourself to the point of your last breath. Yunho oppa needs you.” 

The two pairs of doe-like tear filled eyes mirror each other as they shimmer a little in the city lights.

“I’m counting on you” 

***

“This Im Yoona” he points his finger strongly at the reflection in the mirror, “has been crying herself, destroying herself, working herself almost to her last breath for seven days. I don’t know her.”

He looks at the reflection and then back at Yoona. “I don’t. I think seven days is enough for her break. It's time for the Im Yoona I know and cherish to  come back.”

“I don’t think you’ll be able to find her again oppa” she smiles sadly. She feels his hand wrap around hers as he speaks. The surprise she feels (for more than one reason) is buffered well in her act to remain unaffected. 

“You’re the one who told me that seven days is enough. Because. Seven is your lucky number” maybe Changmin is being delusional with his hope of the effect, but feels that she softens her stance as her expression loosens.

“You girls gave her her best chance. You know it. Especially with the management right now” his tone darkens at the end of the sentence. “I know nothing will be the same anymore, no matter what people out there say. They say it is nothing, you will get over it. But they don’t understand because they’re not us. Don’t let people who know nothing about us take away our reason for being here.” He slips something into her hand and lifts it so that it is at her eye level, making sure she can see the word.

“Dream” she whispers, her cheeks already wet again.

“And what is Jessica’s dream?”

“Design…” she answers defencelessly.

“Exactly. So don’t let them take your dream away by their accusations of you girls taking her dream away. I thought Girls Generation was stronger than that.” he smiles challengingly

“Not sure if we ever will be again.”

“I know it’s hard, but like someone once told me, there are people out their relying on you to stand up again, being there to support you. It’ll take time as well and the pain is hard to bear. I know the pain, trust me” he smiles, and Yoona does at the irony.

“I do”

“So you should be there for the rest of the girls, and for her, Jessica. Make it easier for them to find the reason they were here again.” He closes her hand over the bracelet. It is softer now, with the wearing of the years; she still remembers the feeling of it when she just finished making it.

“Don’t let it fade. I’m counting on you.” There is a flash of his encouraging smile. And there is that familiar unacknowledged sensation in Yoona's chest just for a fleeting moment. But as always, she chooses to ignore it while paying attention to his next words.

“You know what to do after today” Yoona shakes her head slowly feigning innocence with her eyes. Changmin’s eyebrows almost crease when she laughs

“I know what to do from now… I think. It’ll take time. But I think I can do it” Changmin sighs loudly in relief in a half laugh and pats her head. there is an urge to fix the strands of Yoona's hair that are out of place but he decides better of it.He clears his throat and puts his hand over his nose.

“um one more thing…”

“You should probably… you know.” He gestures generally at her training clothes and pretends to fan the air in front of his nose. She straightens up ang uses all her force to give him a push. Just as she turns to go for the door, he calls out.

“Wait,” Turning back to him questioningly, Yoona waits for another tease to make her laugh. “That’s mine.” His finger is pointed at her closed hand.

“Hey, I heard I made this, Mr Mr”

“But that is mine since you gave it to me.” She is about to retort as he reaches her and something cool is draped over her wrist.

It is a sterling silver bracelet with the word dreams engraved on a heart charm. The way she slowly closes her eyes and a small smile appears on her face, tells it all even before the words reach his ears.

“Thank you”

It is mutual, the way Changmin and Yoona understand each other in a way no other can even come close to. It just is that way. Always and forever.