Hello,

I'm writing this on my phone so I don't know how the formatting is going to cope. I also don't know if anyone's going to read this but I had to put this somewhere as an explanation.

I started writing fanfics when I was 12, my first story was a rubbish Bratz fic that makes me cringe to remember. At the time I was being bullied particularly badly, I had no self confidence, no self worth and in the following years I'd learn of more damage that this period of my life gave me.

I've written for a few fandoms over the years including one band who removed all the fanfics about them one day which left me absolutely heartbroken. My stories at that point were awful, poorly written with no clear plot etc (not that they'remuch better now). I was a kid and it was something I did to relax and take myself out of life.

Then for a few years I stopped publishing what I wrote, I'd start ideas with the desire to write the whole thing before posting and I just never got that far. So many unlisted Glee fics so little time...

In Nov 2017 I posted Fire Escape, a story which I didn't really have to update frequently. Just one shots that I could update when I got prompts with no pressure to get me back into the swing of things. It was like getting a second wind, I began enjoying writing more and more to the point where I was updating daily.

I posted Fire Escape during my first year of uni, I was sad and lonely. I was so far from home, not leaving my room and I had nobody to talk to. Having something fun that I could spend time on, building a world in which I could create whatever I wanted or follow whichever narrative I preffered gave me an escape I really needed.

Then it got toxic.

I began getting too caught up in feedback and numbers to the point where it became unhealthy. Rather than writing for fun I was writing for validation and the opinions of strangers began mattering far too much to the point I'd get depressed when I got little to no response on things.

I was constantly worrying I wasn't posting enough, that I wasn't writing well enough. I think my stories are crap and that the people I've met through this community are just putting up with me at this point. I'd get jealous of my writer friends because they were just...better than me. I don't want to feel that way.

It started digging at me, bringing up old insecurities and anxieties until recently when I had a particularly scary breakdown. Someone I knew irl found my AFF and began trolling me, saying some particularly viscous but not untrue things and ever since I haven't been...mentally well.

Tonight I realised I'm tired, really tired.

I'm tired and sad and I can't figure out why.

And so I have decided to stop. From now on I will no longer be updating. I'd say I was leaving AFF/AO3 but that's a lie as I'll still be reading. But in terms of my stories I have decided it's better for me to cut off the toxicity at it's core.

Maybe if I come to enjoy writing again I'll be able to finish my current works but I refuse to make guarantees or empty promises so they will only be updated upon absolute completion. 

I doubt anyone really cares about this, doubt it made sense either but I just wanted to let everyone know.

Too those who have supported me for so long thank you, please don't think I'm ungrateful. It's time for me to be selfish and put myself first.

Hope to see you again eventually,

Elcten