better judgement

joy wanted to not care when she saw their in-house physician, dr. lee, suddenly walked in their office floor, bringing along someone with him. it was probably good news because he was grinning widely, visibly excited as he stepped aside and cleared his throat to speak, fully focusing on the woman that came in with him. 

she felt her heart drop as she darted her eyes nervously around the few people standing in front of their desks like she was, wondering if anyone would be weirded out by this. obviously no one would — the new doctor was a stranger to them, and they wouldn’t know if joy knew her because she mostly kept her personal life to herself.

especially on matters like past relationships. 

well, except for one person. yeri is joy’s confidant in almost everything, but even so, joy had been careful about anything that related to her life with her ex-girlfriend, so she had kept it as vague as she could whenever they talked about it. yeri stood there and had no idea who of she is, either.

“good morning, everyone.” dr. lee had greeted, laying his hand out to gesture to the woman beside her, who had still hands behind her back. “i’m happy to introduce you to our new physician. this is dr. shon. she would be assisting me at our office clinic starting today, usual office hours.” 

it did make sense. dr. lee was almost in his 60s and although he is still sharp as he worked, he would still need the help. joy remembered feeling slightly inconvenienced when the clinic would be empty because dr. lee was in the university he was teaching in. with another doctor around, it would take some weight off of him.

she just didn’t expect that someone to be her.

“hello, good morning, everyone.” dr. shon, or wendy, as joy knew, intimately well, gave a bow. her smile was timid but unsurprisingly, she still had found it radiant, like she was light herself. “i hope to get along with all of you. i’m just here to introduce myself, so please, let me not interrupt your work.” she spoke carefully.

whatever her co-workers were saying, it wasn’t registering itself audibly over her own heartbeat thumping taut. joy had wanted to avoid her gaze to the person in front of her who was doing her introduction, answering a few questions from the group. but she can’t bring herself to look away either.

her hair has grown past her shoulders now, and joy recalled how wendy hated it when the tips would prick the back of her neck, so she cut it almost often. she laughed then, affectionately calling wendy a coconut head before pressing a chaste kiss to her cheek, because wendy narrowed her eyes at the comment even though it meant she looked cute. my coconut head, joy had quipped.

then, their eyes met. the first in a greatly long time, and joy’s heart nearly jumped out of her chest. she was afraid her unabating stares would be answered with an eyeroll, or a raised brow, but wendy kept her gaze straight, the corners of her lips slightly curving up as she did a brief, singular nod with her head like a more personal greeting, like it was just the two of them. even with other people around, she can see the a tinge of warmth in her eyes. although joy remembered how there’s usually more gentleness with it back then. 

joy wants to tell herself she doesn’t miss that at all.

you’re already seeing someone new, for god’s sakes. joy shakes her head to get rid of the thought clouding her mind as she stared at her monitor. there’s a guy, who’s tall, who cared about her, but all she could think about was how wendy looked so cute in her blue scrubs and if fate had anything to do with what transpired today.

//

joy carefully mapped out the time so she could avoid wendy seeing her heading to the office. she didn’t want to go to their clinic, not even for ibuprofen. once, she determinedly limped until the end of the day when the heel of her shoe broke, lightly straining her foot.

even enduring yeri’s constant nagging to go to the clinic after she had accidentally grazed the back of her arm to one of the sharp sides of their filing cabinets. but i’m fine, she said, reasoning that she had dealt with worse and lived. dr. lee was somewhere else attending a medical seminar and only wen—dr. shon was in the clinic.

she remained unfazed even when yeri boldly threatened her that she would the spot with the abrasion if she refused to go to dr. shon and have her arm cleaned with an antiseptic. “yeah, because you totally can.” she said, as if challenging yeri and she smacked her forehead when yeri pulled her tongue out and lowered her head to her arm.

joy didn’t want to admit exactly why she went out of her way to avoid her, either. how can she see wendy and not look at her in woe? maybe because a feeling she thought has passed was creeping back up to her every time she would see her. this might be a fluke, she thought, hoped, as she steered herself.

//

she could show wendy how much she’s grown by approaching her first. though, her morning greeting was still not as warm as she remembered, but joy is thankful it’s easygoing and not curt.

“dr. shon, good morning.”

“good morning.”

joy would also now smile at her, at least try to, when they chance upon other in the elevator. wendy’s head rested against the cool, steel wall. she could clearly tell she had three hours of sleep the night before again but she’s here regardless, her backpack carried on one shoulder and her lunch bag tucked under her arm. 

despite this gradual shift in her approach, joy still hadn’t had a proper conversation with her. unsure if she even wanted to, if there was even anything to talk about. wendy had moved on, and she is trying with this guy, too.

she thought she would feel triumph when wendy saw her linking arms with the guy she’s currently dating as they both walk out of the building after work. she giggled exaggeratedly, clung to him closer as to make it obvious, internally gloating when the guy kissed the side of her head. then she gingerly looked over wendy’s direction, under the pretense to ask him where he had parked his rather expensive car.

joy knew it was unfair of her, but she wanted to feel offended when wendy remained stoic seeing them. she was busying her hands with the tangled wires of her earphones like she was detonating a bomb as she walked past them, not even sparing a glance and headed towards the direction of the staircase to the subway station.

however, something about wendy’s hand piqued her; and it was almost too quick to miss, but joy knew she wasn’t mistaking the familiar slim band in her ring finger for something else: it was certainly in slightly faded white gold, with that specific concave bend. it threw her off for the rest of the night. she was distant during dinner, inattentive and responses in hum as she got out of his car.

why was wendy still wearing their--her ring? almost as if it was a permanent part of her hand. joy knows it’s not normal for people to still wear items from a failed relationship, much less a ring. even some of her own stuff were hidden in a box tucked behind her closet, despite the beautiful memories that came with it. she didn’t know if it was a message; maybe wendy was still thinking about her? that she wants her back? joy found it difficult to stop herself from overreading into it. she was fixating on the ring so much she was becoming like a shamed stoor hobbit.

perhaps it could all be just a coincidence. wendy probably didn’t even know she worked there before agreeing to work with dr. lee. not like she heard from her all this time, anyway.

she’s just too preoccupied to mull over things like that, joy thinks. maybe it was like that time when she forgot to remove her navel piercing before she excitedly jumped in the pool (though that’s because wendy told her to keep it on while she took photos because it drove her mad how good joy looked wearing her bathing suit at that time).

joy stared at the moonlight seeping from her curtains as she waits to fall asleep, holding a ring in between her fingers. it was equally as slim, but in yellowish gold, and the bend is convex. a half. hers. a promise of forever and always given to her under the lilac skies, when the world was nicer to them.

now, she’s just dr. shon. not wendy. not her light, her dearest.  

//

it was almost two months when they’re able to convince wendy to a dinner with the marketing department which joy was a part of. dr. lee furtively walked over to their floor one afternoon and requested to join her in, considering it as a belated first month anniversary dinner. dr. lee felt like she could need a different company. she must be sick of seeing me all the time he joked, but joy knew better. wendy likes routine, she finds contentment in the mundane. 

she tried not to focus on wendy, or the ring on her finger as she lifts her hand to drink. the pieces of pork sizzle on the grill on the other side of their table while she’s nodding along, intently listening to joy’s other co-worker. joy briefly wondered about wendy’s friends in the hospital whom she also haven’t seen in a while: the same-aged doctor who looked like a cute tiger cub, the doctor with the doe eyes and immaculate face. joy mulled silently, trying to remember their names amidst her tipsiness. 

maybe i should ask her about them later on, but she caught herself again. what was she thinking? why should she care?

she had convinced herself that wendy wasn’t the person she knew anymore, though she wanted to chalk it more on her maturing due to the nature of her job and not because of something else. she still smiled, she attended to her patients eagerly, she mouthed the words quietly whenever she read without annotating and still took the underground train home (if that’s still where she lived). if she wasn’t the person she knew and loved, she wouldn’t know about the way wendy’s head tilts a bit to the left when she reads the bulletin board memos, the way she bites the edges of the paper cup before she throws it to the bin. these habits didn’t remain unnoticed by joy, but in the little time since she came back she had observed how broody wendy got, even if she’s just in front of the vending machines; almost as if she refused to give herself away.

joy breaks out of her daydream when yeri nudges her, teasing smile forming on her lips. “how’s you and that guy? i barely see him now.” she asks suddenly, loud enough against the clinking cups and the hissing of the grill.

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