Name: Kim Motherf*cking Dahyun.

Birthdate: May 28th, 1998- but who really cares.

Time of Death: The second I get my hands on that cheeky bastard.

Sure, I’m being an over-exaggerating hoe, but so what?

This stale piece of tofu is tarnishing my chance of getting a ridiculously hot girlfriend.

She doesn’t even gain anything from being such an annoying - apart from these fists.

I have all the rights in the world to be pissed off at her right now, and nobody can stop me (unless you’re Jihyo I guess).

Ugh, I still can’t believe my love life is this tragic.

I’m literally housemates with God, save lives with superpowers as a part-time job, and is blessed with this face- yet I can’t even chase after someone without the mayor of Town ing me? Are you kidding me???

Is my beauty a curse in disguise?

Am I destined to be single forever?

Well, whatever it is, karma better be preparing a revenge in my stead.

Maybe she’ll slip on a wet mop or something… though she doesn’t really need me begging Karma the B*tch for that sort of situation to happen to her. Dahyun already has a tendency to screw herself up thanks to her own uncoordinated, clumsy .

So after that rascal blesses me with her delightful middle finger, she closes the ceiling on me like the rude lil sh*t she is; it definitely makes me want to unleash all the profanities known to mankind, but I must supress the urge for the sake of my graceful and elegant persona.

There’s no way am I going to let Dahyun sabotage me twice in one day.

Not with this gigantic ego of mine.

Hence, I successfully prevent myself from acting like a lonely madman by taking in a deep breath, flip my hair behind my shoulders like an absolute queen, and spin on my heels to return up the spiral staircases.

This trainwreck of a day has been ever so generously gifting me back-to-back chaos, so I’m in a serious need of catching my gay breath.

I’m hoping to chillax within my room until dinner time, and if life doesn’t give me a break, I’ll gladly go ahead and jump straight out of my balcony.

“Exactly what on Earth was Jihyo thinking when she picked Dahyun out of all the 7.6 billion choices she had?” I mindlessly grumble to myself as I ascend the stairs, keeping my eyes glued to each step just in case I trip from my exhaustion and break my nose again. “Dahyun’s honestly crazier than some of the mad scientists we fight, so she’s actually putting the citizens in even more danger…”

“When will you ever stop complaining about me, huh?”

FOR JIHYO’S SAKE, GOD-

WHY MUST I EXPERIENCE A MINI HEART ATTACK WITH EVERY ENTRANCE OF HERS?!

I COULD’VE FLINCHED STRAIGHT OFF OF THE STAIRS AND DIED ON THE SPOT!

THE LORD GIVETH AND THE LORD ALMOST TAKETH AWAY!

With a death grip on the handrail, I freeze before the God who’s been standing on the top of the staircase for God knows how long (pun intended).

Jihyo’s staring me down with her arms crossed before her chest, an iconic pose that’s known as the ‘I’m About to Whoop Your to Heaven’ stance.

Since I have a clear knowledge on a certain busted wall downstairs, I’m really not that surprised to be seeing that pose right now.

“U-Uh, hey Ji.” I attempt to say as normally as possible, all the while forcing out the stiffest smile anyone has ever witnessed; I’m trying very hard to ignore the fact that I was just caught dissing Jihyo redhandedly- by Jihyo herself- and it’s really, really not convincing.

Speaking of the pissed-off girl, Jihyo is now giving me the silent treatment for some reason.

I can only stare back at her in silence, too scared to say anything as I might spout out something stupid and earn myself a fast pass to my grave.

It’s also kind of weird and creepy to see her just standing there like a final boss of a videogame, ready to collect my soul.

I never thought I’d miss hearing her yells that easily transcend the sound barrier, but now I’ve confirmed that her silence is ten times more terrifying.

It’s as if she’s forcing me to reflect on my sins, and boy is my long- list embarrassing.

Decades seem to have passed before Jihyo finally breaks the silence, once again making me piss myself by just doing the bare minimum.

She lets out a sigh while switching poses, now placing a hand onto her hips.

“Dahyun, yes?”

I nod my head at the speed of light from her unexpected comment, thinking there’s hope.

Her mentioning Dahyun’s name first is definitely a good sign.

“And there’s a hole in the changing room wall.”

Well there goes my tiny ray of hope.

I’m now nodding slightly slower from both guilt and fear.

“All because you tried to murder her as a rhinoceros.”

Um…

Am I still supposed to be nodding or…

Well, based off of Jihyo’s expression, I’m going to answer myself and confidently say ‘no’.

She still looks pissed and (despite of my occasional taunts to God like the goddamn idiot I can be at times) I don’t want to increase that anger anytime soon; there’s only five steps in between us both, and that’s definitely not enough for me to buy extra time for my lifespan.

I find myself holding my breath as she massages her temples.

I think she’s about to announce the method of my death sentence, and all I can say is:

I’m too pretty to die a gruesome death goddamn it-

“I’ll fix the basement for you.”

Um… what?

Did I hear her right, or was there a real-life glitch?

I mean, Jihyo is showing me, her second biggest disappointment (with Kim Dahyun being the first of course) … mercy?

“But you,” she continues while pointing directly at my face, making me gulp nervously, “are on dinner duty tonight.”

Error 404 – God Jihyo’s broken, periodt.

I mean, I thought she was going to conclude her sentence with ‘your journey ends here’.

I ran through a freakin’ wall as an African animal, yet my sole punishment is to make dinner.

Her opening a portal straight to hell and dropping my right inside would make more sense than this.

“That’s… that’s it?” I slowly exclaim as I continue to convince myself that I was the one who malfunctioned from fear and heard her wrong.

“What, would you like something more severe?” Jihyo raises a brow, instantly making me shake my head for dear life. “I know Dahyun’s the one who started it, ok? Plus, this isn’t even that big of a deal compared to what you guys did the last time you had a fight.”

Instantly, her kind reminder triggers a memory of Dahyun and I blowing up a gas station by accident… yeah, I don’t even remember how.

What I do remember is the look on Dahyun’s face, back when we were sprinting for our lives from the freakin’ explosion, and the second it pops into my mind, I’m taunted by a strong and inappropriate urge to burst out into a laughing fit. Man, I’d pay hundreds to witness that stupid face again.

The thing is, laughing in this situation is a literal death wish.

Holding in my laughter, on the other hand, will probably result in one of my inner organs to rupture.

Welp, I suppose it’s either near-death or literal death.

Wanting to live until I can get the chance to destroy Kim Dahyun with my bare hands, I quickly swallow my laughter.

Meanwhile, Jihyo turns herself around and takes a few steps towards the living room, pausing to open once more.

“Since you guys raid through the pantry and the fridge as if you’re cows with four stomachs, we’ll need to do some grocery shopping before you can start your punishment.” she informs before walking away, “Go get changed and meet me by the front door… you may want to consider wearing something nice, though.”

Unfortunately my entire existence buffers from experiencing extreme confusion, and before I can get the chance to return to my senses, Jihyo’s no longer hanging around the area to answer the 1000 questions that have barged into my brain.

Seriously though, are my eardrums damaged or what?

Did Jihyo really just tell me to dress up for grocery shopping?

Who the hell am I supposed to impress, the butchers selling fresh meat?

Damn it, there’s no time to search for answers myself, either.

I must get going if I don’t want Jihyo to revoke her sketchy kindness out of impatience.

I still find her ‘mercy’ extremely suspicious.

So with a loud ‘yes ma’am’ for her to hear, I head upstairs and speed walk to my room- not forgetting to scoff at Dahyun’s missing door in the process.

I can’t believe her dumb used the same old trick as what she had done to the changing room, behaving as if she didn’t witness me smash through a wall with my rhino head 5 minutes ago. I guess she must’ve unintentionally locked her brain cells outside as well.

Just you wait, Kim Dahyun.

I’ll get you and your soft real soon.

If I’m going down, you bet I ain’t going down alone.

Now that I’m standing within my maze of a walk-in closet, I force myself to make a decision within two minutes (or else I’d spend the rest of the evening in there, coordinating the perfect outfit for some fashionable grocery shopping… whatever the hell that even means) before grabbing a set of ADLV tee and sweatpants; I’m not bothering with reapplying my makeup since I’m still trying to avoid the wrath of an impatient God, so I guess I’ll just have to let my image suffer for a few hours. Still much better than dying in the next few minutes, that’s for sure.

Once I’m all dressed up, I leave my room and fast-walk down the stairs (goddesses don’t run, mind you), wanting to grab my phone before we leave.

I approach the living room without much of a thought… until I see it facing down on the coffee table.

Ah yes… it’s all coming back to me now.

I slammed my phone down so hard, I heard something shatter.

It can either be my imagination, my phone screen, or my goddamn bones.

Of course I’m praying for the first one, though I really don’t have high hopes.

Welp… let’s find out together then.

With trembling hands, I ever so cautiously grab onto my phone.

In slow motion (I paused my fear for Jihyo as I can’t multitask and be scared about two things at once) I lift it up… turn it over little by little… aaand-

it’s hella shattered.

Just like my dreams of getting the perfect wifey.

I hate you with a passion, Kim Dahyun.

Let’s just move on before I lose control and visit her room as a rhinoceros again.

I reunite with Jihyo while muttering swear words under my breath, putting on whatever pair of shoes that I find fits.

Thankfully she doesn’t comment on my behaviour and instead she gives my outfit a quick scan, slightly raising an eyebrow.<