“i told you that in confidence.” joy pouts as she sits next to the woman beside her, kicking her feet. 

irene absentmindedly reaches her hand to pat her  head in return. “i know. sorry, i just thought…” she trails, not really knowing what to say. it was such a tough position to be in: wanting both of them to heal and at the same time, wishing they were able to set things straight for the sake of their relationship. irene knew deep down that their love for each other never really changed over the past year, even if joy has repeatedly said otherwise. that’s why she told wendy of her whereabouts. 

she decides to drop it altogether, “how’s the studying going?” she asks instead. it was easier than actually getting joy to say how she feels anyway. 

the taller girl sighs and turns to her. “it’s going alright, yeri is helping me. i might move in with her for a bit so it’s easier for me when the exams start.” she answers, grabbing a throw pillow to hug to her chest. “i hope i make it this time.”

“i know you will. i’m—we’re here if you need us.” she’s met with a genuine reassurance. joy smiles at this, placing her hand over irene’s. the slip of the tongue doesn’t get past her, though, and she makes it clear:

“you mean you and seulgi, right?”

irene scoffs at her tone. “yeah.” but she’s quiet for a while; the pause is making joy swallow weakly, because of course, she knows what it meant. she was bound to come up again, anyway. 

“she… wants to make it right.” irene starts again, warily. she was looking at their joined hands before looking up at the girl beside her, and her face softens. “i really think she means it.” she tightens her hold on joy, anxious for her reaction. 

both her and seulgi were there to pick up the pieces after that night. if they were any other couple, she would’ve saved herself the trouble and told both of them to move on. 

if they were any other couple. 

joy leans back and takes a deep breath before finally opening up. “when she came back,” she starts, remembering wendy’s figure crouched by her shelf and feeling like a limb was being physically pulled apart from her body because it hurts to just even look at her, “i felt like she was back to the wendy i fell in love with.” 

“but, all i could think about was that night when she left.” she somberly continues, “i couldn’t stop asking myself why was it so easy for her to give up on me. i made a lot of sacrifices too, you saw it right? but she just left, like there was no reason to fight for me. i felt so lost for a really long time.”

joy feels her eyes sting and she sits up immediately, putting the heels of her hands on the spot beside her eyes. irene is quick to rub soothing circles behind her back, a sad expression on her face as she listens. 
 

//

joy’s birthday / a little over a year ago

on a rainy night, joy comes home feeling emptier than usual. flicking the light switch on mindlessly, she gives up when it doesn’t work and just continues to walk to the dining chair in the dark. the power must’ve been out. or they cut down their power. she couldn’t care less. 

there was a small plate of different cut-up cakes on the table, forming a broken happy birthday message on them, one small candle sticking at the middle. she reaches out for the small matchbox near it, lighting the wick. 

joy basks in the dark silence. nothing but questioning her self-worth clouding her mind. completely tapped-out as repetitive as it sounds,