Being without a job during summer vacation was something Mark wasn’t accustomed to: in fact, he hadn’t been without a job since he was sixteen.

The days stretched into nights, but nights were never long enough. He slept well, most of the time at least, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that Mark was bored out of his mind. If he forgot about the fact that he felt like a total loser for not being called back by employers, a much-needed rest had its perks, like playing videogames all day, not showering until he smelled, and taking the time to cook actual food. It all seemed nice except that it wasn’t his choice that he was unemployed, and that’s probably what made it feel so frustrating.

As he watched his roommates come and go, Mark realised he also had stopped hanging out. Yes, he knew he sometimes turned down invitations — like he had turned down the double-date with Jennie the other day, and the fast-food with Bambam and his friends — but it didn’t mean that Mark didn’t want to hang out at all: every occasion just seemed like it wasn’t worth the anxiety that came with it. It was a time that he generally felt low and didn’t feel like faking a smile around people who didn’t know him that much. It made him wish he were an extrovert, but he had learned throughout the years that he couldn’t force it, even if he tried.

To put it simply, Mark had friends, but they were not friends who cared enough about him to go out of their way to make sure he was alright. Not that anything was wrong with him, but yeah… Mark just felt like if he had a close friend, said close friend would text him once in a while and maybe realise that the other is feeling low most of the time. The only person who had noticed that he kinda felt like crap after every minor annoyance was not his mom, not his girlfriend, but his roommate, and that was sad. And even worse: Mark had started to notice that he was hoping for Jackson to notice his gloominess and to talk to him, probably just because it felt nice to feel like someone noticed him at all but still: he was disgusted at how pathetic he sounded and felt. Mark hated being pitied but apparently, there is an exception to every rule.

Sometimes, his feeling of loneliness or whatever prevented him from thinking as he found himself overthinking he thought he had reflected on through and through, and his chest suddenly felt too small for his heart and lungs and he knew it was all in his head, but it was painful to breathe. In those times he was lucky to be alone in his room. He could just stop whatever he was trying to do to keep himself busy and curl into a ball on his bed and wait for the storm to pass.

The truth is, his life ing but just the thought of doing anything stupid because of it was ridiculous because his life didn’t enough, Mark was just being a spoiled crybaby who couldn’t shake off the stupid coming at him. 

Someone knocked at the door, and Mark really considered telling them he wanted to be alone, but the door opened before he could, and he already knew it was Jackson. Bambam actually understood the purpose of knocking.

“What? Still sleeping at this hour?”

“I wasn’t sleeping,” Mark mumbled as he kicked the blanket off him and sat up. “What’s up?”

“Well we said we’d hang out? Unless you’re busy of course,” the other answered as he tossed a brown paper bag on the bed before he sat next to it.

“What’s that?” Mark frowned before he reached for the bag and checked inside.

“Brownies. The special kind.”

Mark looked up with confusion to see Jackson’s mischievous grin. He snickered at his roommate’s boldness. He hadn’t gotten high in a while: Jennie wasn’t particularly into weed, and it wasn’t as widespread as it was in the US.

“I don’t know, I didn’t feel like going out, so I figured we could just get baked and watch a movie or something.”

Jackson reached for the bag and took out a piece to start eating it. As he had no objection to the plan, Mark did the same. He had a warm feeling taking over his heart knowing that Jackson actually remembered saying that they should hang out and even made it happen. He had seemed to be that type of extrovert who would “make plans” just to make the small talk, and Mark wouldn’t have minded if it were the case just because he had expected it to be that way, but he was glad he was wrong.

“Where’d you even get those? People here treat it like it’s heroin,” the oldest asked, his mouth full.

“I have friends. Just gotta know where to look.”

“Man, these are good though,” he mumbled.

There was an awkward silence, and Mark again didn’t know how to fill it and even more awkwardly looked out the window while chewing with the hope that Jackson would speak like he always does.

“Did you get any job interviews?”

“Hum… Yeah. One. Didn’t go well.”

“Tell me about it. I mean, if you want of course.”

Mark frowned and shook his head to show he didn’t mind, and swallowed his bite before starting: “Okay so first of all, he had the thickest accent ever. And I know I’m no better, but seriously I couldn’t understand . Plus the music was super loud for some reason.”

“Where was it?” the other asked, appearing somewhat disinterested.

“You know the seafood buffet in COEX?”

Jackson hummed, and Mark continued: “So then he read the…. Paper, thing I had to fill, which is basically like a hand-written version of my resume I had just given him. And of course, he couldn’t read my handwriting so he made me read out loud instead of just reading my nicely printed CV.”

Jackson rested his head on his opened hand as to be more comfortable, and watched the other get worked up with an amused grin. The more Mark spoke, the more he got back in the irritated mood he was in upon leaving the place.

“And then he was like ‘when can you start working?’ and to appear like a… reliable person, I said like ‘well, I’m technically done with school in two weeks, but if you need someone right now, I can probably manage’ and he was like ‘what kind of student prioritizes work over study’ like , I’m doing that for you, shut the up.”

The youngest chuckled and asked with his mouth full: “What the heck how does it even relate to being a good employee?”

“Oh I’m not done. Then he handed me a menu and asked me to introduce it to a client who would be calling the restaurant. And I told him I had no experience in catering, I told him like three times.” He emphasized by holding up three fingers. “So I read the menu and tried to make it pretty, and he was like ‘no, you can’t say it like that, it’s not just any lobster: it’s a special sauce or whatever lobster’. He just treated me like I didn’t know , you know?”

Mark hadn’t realised how much he had been eating as he was so absorbed by his own rant. He went on about how the manager didn’t understand his visa situation, and how he had asked about his ways of dealing with the clients at his previous job.

“I told him what we actually did: check in the system, then refer them to the store in Hongdae. And he said: ‘okay so if we don’t have steak but the restaurant across the street does, you’ll send them there?’ like is my Korean that bad or he’s just ing stupid? I never talked about sending them to competitors. I was like you know what? Give me back my CV. Throw it away. Don’t even call me back. And you.”

“Damn.” was all Jackson said at first, unable to hide this smile of his. “In two years I have never heard you speak that much in such a short amount of time.”

“I’m so done with that , man.”

“How about we watch a comedy?” Jackson asked, suddenly looking empathetic, as he gently put a hand on the other’s knee. “Since you’re life’s such a joke anyway.”

Mark looked up slowly in disbelief that his roommate had just cracked that joke. It was a good one, and it wasn’t so far from the truth, he had to give him that.

“Just kidding, just kidding,” he giggled.

“Get off my bed,” Mark smirked as he grabbed the almost empty bag of brownies and got off the bed.

They both went to the living room to crash on the couch and choose a movie on Netflix. At some point towards the middle of the movie, Mark yawned and it kicked: his whole body and especially his face suddenly felt so numb he wasn’t sure he could move. While he was getting sleepy before that yawn Mark had thought that would be the highest these brownies would get him, but damn, this kind of high hit like a truck. He didn’t know how long he sat there, not really thinking but rather focusing on breathing because for some reason his heart started racing and he did consider the fact that if he didn’t calm down he might bad trip. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he completely missed the second half of the movie, and the notion of time passing altogether: it’s like he had blinked and the screen was back to Netflix’s home screen. Jackson reached for the remote to turn the TV off but did it really slowly. It took Mark some willpower to turn his head to look at him.

“Are you okay?” Jackson asked in a husky voice.

“I am, so… stoned right now.”

“Same, ,” Jackson whined as he let himself fall back into the couch.

He rubbed his face with both hands, and it took him a few extra seconds to chuckle.

“I deadass missed, like… half the movie.”

Mark winced as he realised that by the end of his sentence, he had forgotten what he had said in the first half of it. Even speaking was difficult, unbelievable. When this thought left his head, he allowed himself to laugh at Jackson, or maybe with Jackson, just because he was laughing.

“That is strong, dude.” the youngest said, still laughing with a hand running through his hair. After a few seconds, he added: “The movie, it was about hum… like… they found the guy, at the end, and… they won.”

Mark hadn’t got everything he had said, partly because he was caught up in his own mind debating whether or not he could make it safely to his bed, or if he was nauseous or just hungry, yeah, probably just hungry, but then he wondered what there was to eat, but he couldn’t think of a single thing that was in the cabinet for sure. When he realised that Jackson was speaking to him, he furrowed his eyebrows.

“What language did you just use?” Mark asked, realizing only afterward how stupid that sounded but he wasn’t sure even though he had understood every word.

Jackson turned his head to him, his eyes bright red, and burst out laughing, making the oldest laugh with him until he couldn’t breathe any longer.

“I’m ing crying yo,” Jackson said as he caught his breath back and wiped a tear.

“’Sup guys,” greeted Bambam as he walked past them on his way to his room, but then stopped dead in his track and narrowed his eyes.

Mark hadn’t heard him get in the apartment… or had he? He tried to remember but his brain couldn’t process his own thoughts.

“Are you guys high? Without me?” Bambam teased as he snatched the brown bag from the coffee table to find it empty.

“Sorry there isn’t… no more,” Jackson explained, still struggling to contain his laughter.

“Come on, bro…”

            Ten tossed the bag back on the table as he shook his head in disappointment before he headed to his room.

            “Hey, could you bring us chips or somethin’? Please.”

            Mark laughed, a bit too late, as Bambam rolled his eyes and headed back to the cuisine to grab two bags of chips and throw them violently at the two of them, Jackson catching in extremis and Mark getting hit on the shoulder with it.

            “Thank you!”

            “You owe me one!” Bambam faked being angry, flashing a smile before he left.

            Mark reached down to pick it up from the ground, nearly falling off as he bent over clumsily, and opened the bag to start munching. He wasn’t that hungry considering he had eaten a good amount of brownies less than two hours ago, but he couldn’t stop eating.

            “How are things going with your girlfriend?”

            Mark’s gaze had landed on a spot on the floor, and he kept staring at it as he furrowed his eyebrows. His girlfriend? What was the deal with his girlfriend?

            “Things are… good, I guess.”

            “You guess?” Jackson raised his eyebrows, his mouth full.

            “No, I mean… why?”

            “I don’t know, I heard you fight the other day.”

            The oldest had to stop and to remember what fight he had had with Jennie recently, then it came back to him. He snickered to himself: the fight had literally happened the night before, how could he have forgotten that?

            “That was nothing. She got mad I didn’t wanna have .”

            “Oh my god, girls are always like that. Like… you’re down to , and they’re not, and it’s okay. But when they’re down to , and you’re not, it’s the end of the world.”

            Mark smirked, staring in the void. “Right.”

            He thought it might be the end of the conversation around his love life, but apparently Jackson was not done. Mark didn’t mind though, maybe because he was too far gone, but he felt like Jackson wasn’t asking to judge him, just pure curiosity about the other’s life.

            “You’ve been together what, two, three years?”

            “Five.”

            “Damn, so she’s the one,” Jackson mumbled as he grabbed another handful of chips as if he had just remembered he had the bag in his hands.

            “I don’t know.”

            “You are brutally honest, dude. Never tell her that, ever.”

            Mark thought for a second then smiled and blinked slowly. He shifted on his seat to sit cross-legged, facing the other, as he explained:

              “No, you’re twisting my words. Like… I’m barely twenty, how the would I know if she’s the woman of my life?”

            “ I-I don’t know, do you, see yourself married? Do you want her to be your kids’ mom, would you do anything for her, like if she gets badly sick or somethin’…”

            “Well, yeah because I’m not an .”

            Jackson stared at him in disbelief as he spoke, then tittered with a huge grin on his face.

            “ ‘Because I’m not an ’, oh my god…”

            “What? Okay, what you just enumerated, have you ever felt that for anyone?”

            Jackson his lips, narrowed his eyes, and took a few seconds to review his life’s entire dating history before concluding:

            “I don’t think so.”

            “See? Like, if what you said is ‘true love’, can’t there be something like… casual, like… simple, love? Like can’t we date without… I don’t know… having our soul consumed?”      

            Jackson hesitated, ate a chip, the crunching noise filling the room, and added: “Yeah but then, is it worth it at all? To stay with a person you’re unsure about when you could be with someone who… would give anything to be yours?”

            Mark took the time to process the other’s words and frowned slightly as he laid the bag of chips on the table to then let his head fall on the back of the couch. He wasn’t hungry anymore. Jackson had managed to plant a seed of doubt in Mark’s mind. Did he know love at all? He tried to remember, how he felt when he and Jennie were just flirting, but that was such a long time ago. He couldn’t remember ever being nervous around her, because it felt like they had always been close friends. Thinking about it, Mark never really asked himself whether he was truly in love or not. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that he and Jennie would get married one day, not because he didn’t believe in it but because he just didn’t attach importance to a future so far ahead as it seemed useless to do so. They were both independent people, and while they never had the discussion Mark never felt that Jennie expected more from their relationship so he never worried. But being so dazed at the moment, Mark could only think that maybe… Maybe he had been wrong all along about being in love. Maybe they are still a couple because it would just feel wrong to break up after spending a quarter of their lives together. But Mark didn’t want to think about all of this anymore.

“This conversation is getting too deep. I think I’m gonna pass out right there, on the couch.”

“Me too,” the other sighed as he put his bag of chips on the floor.

As Mark swung his legs on the couch, Jackson went to rest his head on the space between them, resulting in Mark almost kneeing him in the face.

“What are you doing?” Jackson giggled as he pushed the other’s leg away.

“I’m just tryna lay down, what are you doing?”

Mark managed to stretch one leg out as Jackson sat up on his elbow, and they fought a bit to get them both on the couch like it was so complicated to both curl on either side. Ultimately, Jackson brought the other’s leg back on the couch and pushed himself closer to Mark in such a way he would lie between his legs, his head resting on his chest.

“There you go.” Jackson proudly said before he yawned and crossed his arms over his own chest and nuzzled his face on Mark’s chest.

Mark lifted both hands as a sign of “really now?” before he sighed and thought to himself it, he was too tired anyway, and Jackson’s warmth wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, so he just went with it and joined his hands over the other neck as he dozed off.

*

He wasn’t scared of dentists. In fact, he was more scared of needles than dentists, so he felt like he definitely fell on the normal side of being okay with getting his teeth checked. But he did not exactly like them either.

“Where did you say you felt pain again?” the doctor asked in the middle of polishing Mark’s molars.

Mark opened his eyes upon the realisation he was being spoken to, and involuntarily tried swallowing a lump and speak at the same time, resulting in his tongue brushing against the machine in his mouth and nearly cut him. He had to wince for the dentist to realise what was going on in his mouth and to stop the machine.

“My… Here.” Mark answered with the thing still in his mouth as he drew his jaw with his finger.

“Your jaw?” the dentist responded before turning the machine on again, the drilling sound of it coming back to annoy the patient all at once.

Mark thought to himself she was stupid for asking him questions while he was incapacitated like that. Instead of trying to answer again, he simply showed a thumb up.

“We will take a look at the scans after. Have you had your wisdom teeth removed in the United States?”

Mark paused, and stared at her as to make her understand he did not get this one. She noticed it after a good ten seconds, and repeated in English: “Wisdom teeth”.

Mark showed a thumb down. As soon as the polishing was done and the machine was out of his mouth, he couldn’t stop himself from his teeth and gums which were still bloody from the aggressive flossing he had suffered a few minutes before. He sat up to take the paper cup filled with much-needed fresh water and drank it in one gulp. The dentist turned the computer screen to him.

“Your wisdom teeth are growing on a nerve as you can see here, we have to open up and take all four of them out.”

Mark frowned in confusion and awkwardly chuckled: “I… don’t understand.”

The dentist sighed almost rudely, looked back at the screen while rubbing her chin, and rephrased in English this time: “See this? Gives you pain,” she starts as she points at what Mark believed to be a vein or something on the scan. “This is your teeth. It becomes… more big with time, and touch this. So you feel pain. We must cut…” she continued as used her hand to mimic a scalpel cutting.

“Okay okay, I get it,” Mark interrupted her. “What if I wait to do it in the States?”

“No time.”

At this point, Mark was not in the mood to argue in Korean any longer, so he let himself being led to the front desk to book a wisdom teeth removal surgery. As he was giving his information to the secretary, his phone rang, but he reached for it in its pocket to turn it off without checking who was calling. One at the time.

“I am afraid there is a problem with your insurance. Do you have a South Korean medical insurance?”

            “My insurance is international. It worked at the hospital,” Mark muttered before he pulled out his phone to find proof of insurance on his phone.

            He should have listened to his mom and kept a paper copy.

            “Maybe you can pay now and make a claim later?” the secretary suggested.

            “Whatever.”

As he was about to slip his phone back into his pocket, it rang again and he realised he was angrier than he thought he was when the ringtone nearly made him throw his phone across the room because not now. Before he locked his screen shut, he saw Jennie's name on the screen but decided it wasn't worth the hassle to pick up right now.

“Sir?”

“What?” he answered the secretary a bit too dryly.

“Your card was denied, would you like to try again?”

Mark threw his head back in annoyance. He frowned and looked down at the screen of the pin pad asking him to remove his card. He pulled out, or rather ripped out, his card from the pin pad and dug in his pocket to find his old American credit card, which charged him an insane amount on every transaction. Banking problems were just some of the perks of living abroad.

And then there was Jennie, texting him in a repetitive and annoying beeping sound.

“I don't need the receipt,” Mark said with a polite smile before he proceeded to hurry out of the clinic.

“For insurance,” he insisted, having Mark turn around to fetch the paper.

He crumbled it and slipped it in his coat's pocket as he took his phone to dial Jennie's number. She picked up immediately.

“Hey, you called,” he said, trying his best not to sound annoyed.

He could hear her stutter breathe through the mic. “We need to talk.”

 “Okay.”

He slowed down and sat on the steps of the building once outside.

She breathed deeply enough for him to hear and asked: “Are you busy?”

“No, I am just coming out of the dentist, gotta pull out my wisdom teeth.”

“I thought you had done it in the US.”

“No, I was scared back then,” he smiled.

He was not down to have a serious conversation with her then, but he knew it was necessary, so he thought he might as well get it out of the way right here and now if she was willing.

“I am sorry about the other night; I should have listened to you.”

You should have. “It's okay,” he replied.

She sniffed. “Are we okay?”

“Of course,” he sighed.

While he meant it, a part of him knew nothing could change her and that he would remain feeling just as unheard and neglected as before. He guessed it would have to do because he wasn't up for the drama. He was used to being the one backing down for the sake of their relationship. There was an awkward silence, and Mark felt the need to keep the conversation going, not because he felt like talking but because he wanted to move on with his day regardless of how harsh it sounded.

“So are you coming over tonight?”

“Ah… I'm going out with the dance team.”

Mark almost scoffed upon hearing that he once again was not invited, he pushed his bitterness aside to reply: “Okay, have fun then.”

“Thank you.”

“We'll talk again soon?”

 “Yeah.” She paused, as if unsure how to conclude. “I love you.”

“Yeah…” he muttered right as she hung up.

*

            Mark almost rolled his eyes as he realised what woke him up: it was the sound of someone in the shower. He didn’t care that much, it wasn’t the first time any of them had brought someone over after all, but he had to admit one of his roommates (probably Ten) was surprisingly loud considering the time of the day. Mark checked his phone and saw it was later than he thought it was, but still: who has shower at noon?

            He rolled and threw his pillow over his head, hoping to muffle the sound of the shower at least a bit, but someone decided now was the right time to call him. He exhaled loudly, let it ring until the last minute and picked up, not caring about sounding like he had just woken up until the person on the phone introduced himself as the store manager of a department store.

            Mark practically yanked the pillow away from his face and sat up all in one movement, and he needed a second to get his thoughts straight and answer in a really choppy Korean that yes, he was still seeking employment and that yes, he would be available for an interview in an hour despite not having a clue where the store was located. He quickly scanned his room to find a pen and paper, but nothing seemed to be near enough, so he chose to mentally write down the manager’s name and the borough the store was in as if he wouldn’t forget that a minute after hanging up. His heart was beating fast, he felt like he could breathe again, and finally, things seemed to fall into place again.

            A sense of relief filled his heart until he took the time to Google the address. Using public transportation, he would need a little less than an hour to get there if the traffic ain’t too bad. He considered taking a taxi, but he didn’t feel like fighting with the taxi driver who would pretend not to understand his accent, so he opted to take the risk and go with the bus. But he needed to leave ASAP. He didn’t think twice before he threw on whatever he found that wasn’t smelly, and he sprayed his whole body with Axe before rushing out of his room to go brush his teeth. He swung the door open and headed for the bathroom, and remembered the couple when he heard a voice from inside. He lifted a hand to knock, but the door opened before he could touch it, making both Mark and the other guy jump.

            “Oh, sorry,” the stranger said in Korean with an awkward smile as Mark couldn’t prevent himself from looking down on the towel he had wrapped around his hips to hide his ness.

            “I’m almost done, come in,” Jackson blurted out from inside as he brushed his teeth more quickly.

            Mark stood there in utter shock as the stranger walked past him to go to Jackson’s room down the hall. He watched him walk away, his mouth unconsciously opened, before he looked back at Jackson who was also only wearing a towel, standing in front of the sink with a hand on his hip, and Mark’s brain finally added things up. Jackson just had a hook up with… a guy.

            He spat and rinsed the sink before he asked the oldest: “Do you need to shower?”

            “No, just brushing my teeth,” Mark muttered, still out of it.

            “Okay I’ll just wash my face real quick then.”

            Mark entered the bathroom almost warily and headed for the second sink. He couldn’t help but stare at his roommate, his chest still dripping with water, a single drop ran from his pec all the way down his abs and happy trail before it got soaked by the towel hanging almost loosely on his hips, revealing the natural V shape of the bottom of his belly. Jackson caught him watching, and reached to wipe the still steamy mirror in front of the other before he mumbled a “sorry ‘bout that” with a friendly smirk, drawing Mark’s gaze to his bright red lips before the youngest turned to his own mirror and started applying lotion to his face, forcing Mark to break the stare and actually do what he should be doing at the moment.

He opened the mirror cabinet to get the toothpaste and as he closed it Mark noticed his reflection was apparently blushing. He didn’t understand his own reaction, and he even had trouble describing said reaction. His guts felt weird since he had bumped into the other’s hook-up since it had sunk in that Jackson had just had with a man, something Mark had never even considered as possible since he had always assumed his roommate as very straight, not that it could affect him anyway because he wasn’t interested in men but the idea somehow did him up a little, and to have him stand next to him still wet and made his mind go places it shouldn’t be going to. Mark had to focus hard on getting this teeth-brushing done so he could get out as fast as he had entered.

Mark was not a stressed person. After the countless occasions on which he had gotten late to work, he could almost qualify as a perpetually late person except that he was not: he just didn't care enough. So to be short, that's the story of how he became a stressed person for a day when he realised he might be late for that interview, which FYI might be his only chance at getting a job by the end of the summer break.

The Seoul transit system was usually surprisingly fast and reliable for a metropolis (that might be typical of East Asia), but since Mark is a walking bad luck, the whole ing city had for a mission to royally piss him off that day. First, there was Google Maps not cooperating and don't y'all dare to say its South Korean equivalent would work better because Mark didn't have the patience to read Korean at that time. Then there was the bus not showing up and the metro shutting down between two stations, leaving him basically running on a 95 F day to make it not more than one minute late to a ing Costco in the middle of nowhere. At least, at the very least, the manager looked over his stutter and his terrible Korean skills and gave him the most basic job of the warehouse with no guarantee he would still have said job in a month. Gotta take wins when there are.

After the show that was today, Mark was oddly not overthinking about the job, but about Jackson. He couldn’t lie by saying he had gotten rid of the image of him brushing his teeth next to him right after having with a man, making the dude moan loud enough for Mark to wake up, and he couldn’t tell why as it couldn’t have been the first time he had seen Jackson after a shower, or for that matter. His two roommates had this level of intimacy and a certain lack of understanding of the concept of personal space that Mark just had gotten used to. He didn’t mind anymore when one of them burst in the bathroom while he was showering or peeing without a care in the world because that was apparently something they had always done in their respective family. It wasn’t a habit in his family for sure, considering the number of times he had been late to school because his siblings were taking hours in there, so it wasn’t something Mark would do but something he would tolerate from them. All in all, he had probably seen Jackson barely dressed at some point, but he couldn’t recall a specific moment as it was probably too natural for the both of them, so why was he so freaked out now?

Deep down, he knew why. But that was one more thing he absolutely did not want to deal with on top of everything. He just didn’t have time for this and all the mess it would entail if this grew into something bigger.

Mark just could not have a goddamn crush on Jackson.