Smoke rose in front of Damon, leaving slow, wispy trails that disappeared into nothingness. It left the air smelling of tobacco and poor health amidst the stronger smell of the sea. He sighed and in another draw of the cigarette, the last of the pack and even it was disappearing fast. The nicotine did little to affect him, the once calming effect now gone after years of abuse. He crumpled the paper carton and stuffed into his pocket. The tightness of his suit pants made it difficult and he swallowed back annoyance as he straightened his leg to access the pocket. The sand made way beneath him, soft and cool. It was low tide and the tideline stretched out in front of him all along the beach. A dull roar echoed in the distance from the crashing of the waves that ebbed into foam.

It was dusk, shadowed by the grey overcast sky but Damon was already tired, as he had been so for the last decade. His face was gaunt, whether from the habitual smoking or chronic overworking he couldn’t tell. His entire body groaned in protest as he dug in his coat to pull out a slip of papers. It was a bank statement, the pristine white paper emblazoned with the logo of some financial institution. He looked at the writing on the paper, ignoring the text except for the number at the bottom. It said ‘$0.00'; his current balance and all of his savings.

Fifteen long years of working from dawn till dusk to change that number from negative. Working multiple jobs just to have that little extra so he could eat. Being exploited by employers that knew he was desperate for work and so took advantage of his underage status to pay him less. Taking visits from all the loan sharks that his mother had become indebted to in order to fuel her drug addiction. Begging them for extra time so that they wouldn’t find some other way to get more immediate compensation from his body.

He  in the last of the cigarette as he thought back to how this had all come into reality, from such a happy childhood to pain and ruin. A crashed car, the bumper crumpled against a tree. A funeral with crying and confusion as his child-self struggled to realise why his mother was so distraught that his father had yet to come home from work. Bottles of liquor littering the floor of a living room that became gradually smaller as they moved houses. Pill bottles on the coffee table that turned into needles. Another funeral and nights spent with his knees hugged to his chest in an impossibly large room despite all the strangers that he lived with. The first visit from a loan shark that had tracked him down just when his future seemed like it couldn’t get any bleaker.

A ghost of a smile appeared on his face as his mind wandered among the foggy fields of memory. He shook his head and put the papers back into his coat, standing up. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, breathing in the unmistakable scent of the sea; all salt and fresh air. The first breath of fresh air he could remember enjoying. He could feel the wind in his hair, his face, pulling at his sagging shirt. It was as if the wind was whispering and reminding him that he was alone, weathering this storm all by himself.

He took in another breath as he took off his coat; the beginnings of a long-held desire slowly growing until it was irresistible. The only feeling that managed to penetrate his frozen heart. He took off his shoes and socks, digging his feet into the cold sand and placed them neatly on top of his folded coat. He raised his arms to the wind, embracing the soft push against him, holding him back from what was to come. It started with one step, then two then many more until he had reached the water’s edge. At the cold sting of the incoming tide he paused, but it was a brief stop before he continued walking until the water was at his chest.

There he stopped again, the waves splashing at his face and washing away any tears that might have come had he not already cried enough for a lifetime many years earlier. He reached up and used his fingers to tug his mouth into a smile that lasted but a moment when he lowered his arms.

He stood there unmoving until the burning desire to escape this world so full of pain and hurt overcame him and he took the few extra steps forward for the water to cover his head and he was blind to the world.

He fell. He fell into the darkness. He could not breathe. He could not draw breath and felt a blanket of suffocation. Then he was gone. And he could not feel.