December 22, 2023

I can't believe it's already Christmas time. I remember creating this account last year, thinking I'm just getting back to a hobby I picked up as a teen and doing it again with more polished technique and a little bit more care. Now I'm here at the tale end of 2023 and my stories are still in progress, one of which are nearing its conclusion. But I say all that to say, it's been a fun ride. Despite my inhibitions, factored in with inevitable insecurity regarding stats, I'm still proud of myself for pulling through. In the past, I would have abandoned this page for lack of engagements, for feeling like my stories are being overlooked and thinking my efforts are being wasted. But now I know that just writing them is enough. Engagements, tractions, all that is highly appreciated when they come. But I don't seek them anymore. I do, however, still struggle with something about myself when it comes to writing.

Starting multiple novels, in this case adding 2 novellas in the mix while I work on Blackmouth and many other pending stories I have published, does get a little bit overwhelming for me still. I do have a bit of a game plan for this, and that mainly revolves around NOT forcing it when I can't pull the words out. I have to be okay that some days are just not the days I am going to be able to write adequately and up to par with my personal standards. That is not to say that I don't try at least. But sometimes they just feel weird, even rereading what I wrote at times like these, I feel like the words are just words, and don't hit the same. I don't know why, really. If anything, they seem okay enough, maybe even as good as what I normally come up with, but I guess the alignment with the physical structure of words and how I feel as I write them don't add up. I don't know how else to explain this. I don't even know if I'm making sense.

I'm currently in the process of finishing up Blackmouth, but I have added writing 2 shorter one-shots that are around 10k to 15k word count. It should be pretty easy to finish, right? I even have something written in the draft of one of them (entitled In Nomine Matris). I am working on the baseline structure of the other one (called Giltedge) but that should come easy, since I already have the general plot conceptualized. My problem is, I feel like I can't move on to the next project without finishing the first one yet, which is Blackmouth. My estimate is the book has 10 chapters left before it can wrap up. It's doable, you know. The thing is, the two shorter ones have a closer due date than the contest I entered Blackmouth into. So in regards to urgency, I should focus on In Nomine Matris and Giltedge first. Now I think this comes to either my undiagnosed neurodivergency that I just can't deviate from the plan I have already set for myself. I am just so excited and hyperfixated on Blackmouth that brainstorming a different story just doesn't do it for me. Anybody else feel this way? Do you have tips and tricks on how you deal with these kinds of problems?

Speak of excited. I'm still pleasantly surprised how I haven't lost the spark for Blackmouth yet. Like I'm still excited to share how the story unfolds, and how I always look forward to account the events. Maybe it's because I know objectively (maybe a little biased, but mostly objectively) it is a good storyline and is written well. I get impatient and wish I could finish writing it a lot faster, but still that doesn't make me lose interest in it. I am looking forward to seeing it be completed. It's going to be a lot sooner though that's for sure. Maybe more or less than two months. I have to put the 2 shorter ones in the backburner for that to happen though.

On other news. I am currently watching Bodies, and I only have three episodes left. Initially it was a good watch for me. I even saw parallels with my own writing, in the sense that I felt the same sense of mystery and intrigue with all the clues presented from the get-go, and all the questions it had raised. [OKAY MAJOR SPOILER ALERT IN THE NEXT PART. IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THE SERIES AND WANT TO WATCH IT, YOU SHOULD SKIP THIS.] But then when the aspect of time travel was presented, I felt like the storyline got corny. I thought it was going to be something else entirely, something new, but when it was revealed that it was really just about some future dystopian leader that traveled through time and went back into the past to mess with people from that timeline, I instantly thought it was giving Terminator. Oh, shame. I don't necessarily have an idea of what the story should have been about, but maybe that was what made me interested in the first place. I thought it would something out of this world, or maybe a mind-boggling side of human nature that doesn't always get explored, something existential and metaphysical you know, like in Attack on Titan. But no, it's time travel and corrupt governments. 😭 It's such a let down for me. But I want to finish it based solely on the visual aesthetics. I really like the way it looks, especially the past eras/time periods. I would recommend it for that element alone. But if you are not interested in period films anyway, and you want storylines to storyline, well, maybe watch something else. If you have any series or movie suggestion, you can comment it too. I wanna know what popular films are out there that I could watch on my free time. Thanks!

That would be all my ramblings for today. Merry Christmas. Hope to see you again next time.