forgive me pt. 1 (taehyung)

 

Namjoon’s apartment is very cold.

 

Taehyung discovers this the first night he ran away from home.

 

The walls are chilled to the bone and the floors creak with winter’s breath seeping through the cracks with every padded footstep he takes in the apartment. Taehyung also discovers he enjoys the cold. There’s just something about how his breath comes out in wisps that guide the goosebumps along his skin and how his body involuntarily shivers under winter’s command, that numbs Taehyung’s head.

 

In the cold, everything is still and not even a tiny drop of regret can make its way to Taehyung’s heart.

 

‘Please come back home.’

 

‘Your father and I are worried sick.’

 

‘Taehyung, please.’

 

‘Taehee misses you.’

 

Taehyung’s mother has been texting him since he left. The cold numbs his brain just as well as three shots of straight vodka. He drinks the night air away beneath the stars on the roof of Namjoon’s apartment because in the brisk, freezing cold, his fingers won’t be tempted to reply.

 

Namjoon has voiced his thoughts on getting the heater fixed to prepare for the oncoming winter, but that was sometime ago, and Namjoon is almost never home. Taehyung can expect his presence at the local gas station near the dock and sometimes, Taehyung drops by to visit. Taehyung has questioned why Namjoon is never at the apartment anymore, but the question is always dismissed.

 

“I just have business to attend to. Don’t worry about it.”

 

Taehyung lets the subject slip from his hands, and it’s carried away by the wind among the fallen leaves. They don’t bring it up again.

 

Some nights, he wonders if it was worth it.

 

Should he just have left everything he knew, his mother, his little sister, his friends, his entire life, with just a note, to have dissipated into the night?

 

But then he remembers him.

 

A sorry excuse for a new step-father. What his mother saw in the man is a mystery to Taehyung, because from the pit of his entire being, there is a feral hatred that burns just for the man. Just being around the man made Taehyung’s inside churn with an uncomfortable desire to do something truly regrettable. Taehyung’s bones would grow numb and he can feel a raw anger run through his veins. Taehyung’s fingers are always itching to act upon it.

 

Just being around the man was dangerous and Taehyung couldn’t risk it.

 

What would little Taehee think if she saw you like that?

 

The man was garbage.

 

Taehyung saw the way he only eyed his mother as if she were a piece of meat. He saw how he pushed her around. He saw how he would pretend to be nice to Taehee, only to please Taehyung’s mother, but behind closed doors, he was the reason behind her tears. He saw how little the man cared for his mother and his family.

 

And nine months after the man and his mother met, Taehyung saw them get married.

 

Taehyung remembers the day it happened. The edges of his memories are tattered, but he’s able to stitch together what is left, whether he wants to or not.

 

His mother was ecstatic. He had never seen his mother so happy, since the incident.

 

Taehyung could see the excitement wash out of her in waves and Taehyung felt her happiness rub off on him when the corners of his lips curved slightly. He saw that Taehee was excited too by the way she shifted her weight between her toes and heel. He saw her missing front tooth in her barely contained smile, and Taehyung broke into an all out grin when she ran into his arms. He swept her up with ease, and their mother smiled at the sight.

 

She giggled in his arms and Taehyung's undivided attention was on her. It was only when he heard someone clear their throat that he turned away from his beloved sister. Taehyung's smile faltered when he met eyes with his mother's current boyfriend. Taehyung wasn't even aware of his presence at first.

 

"We have a big announcement to make!" His mother's voice reverberated with a happiness Taehyung couldn't quite pinpoint.

 

Taehee quirked her head to the side, anticipating their mother’s news.

 

Taehyung’s mother paused for dramatic effect, something Taehyung did not need, before exclaiming, “Hobeom and I are getting married!”

 

His mother’s smile was so wide he could count the rows of teeth that never show anymore, because lately there has not been anything to smile about. Her face was flushed with joy and when she leaned into Hobeom’s embrace, Taehyung couldn’t help but to be disgusted.

 

Taehyung said nothing before he felt Taehee squirm in his arm. He dropped her to the ground and she ran excitedly to their mother before throwing her arms around her.

 

“Yay! Mommy is so happy! I’m happy that mommy is happy.”  

 

His mother picked Taehee in her arms and Taehee hugged her neck tightly. Taehyung noticed how Taehee did not acknowledge a single thing about the marriage. He just wasn’t sure if it was because it hadn’t fully sunk in yet, or if it was just because Taehee simply didn’t want to.

 

Taehyung’s mother glanced at him expectantly and Hobeum threw him a stern look. Taehyung studied them warily with clashing emotions warring beneath the barely contained veil of his eyes. His limbs felt stiff, but he found himself taking long strides past them and right out of the house.

 

“Taehyung!” A few loud shuffles followed before they were abruptly stopped.

 

“Mikyung, he just needs some space right now. Let him go.”

 

A muffled ‘are you sure?’ was the last thing Taehyung heard before the door cut ties between him and his family.

 

They didn’t go after him.

 

--

 

His feet knew where to go before Taehyung did, and he only realized the destination when he noticed dandelions that grew from the large cracks in the ground and the smell of petroleum mixed with sea salt that aded the air.

 

Namjoon.

 

Of course he would go to Namjoon. He always knew what to do with a brain aged beyond his years. Taehyung always found himself going to Namjoon whenever Taehyung was distraught. Namjoon was always there to lend an ear and was filled to the brim with advice for troubled souls.

 

Business was slow as usual, but there was little to be expected from a small gas station with only one pump. Namjoon sat back in a wooden chair, with a cap covering his eyes. He took long drags before exhaling wisps of white smoke that dissipate in the air the moment they form, but left a pungent scent that clung onto Namjoon’s clothes. Taehyung hates the smell of smoke. It burned his nose, but Taehyung would rather Namjoon smoke cigarettes among other things.

 

Taehyung took a few strides before reaching him. Namjoon glanced at him from under the cap and said nothing before taking a few final puffs before stubbing out his cigarette. He took careful exhales, knowing Taehyung’s discomfort towards smoke.

 

“What’s up?” Casual yet purposeful. The very essence of Namjoon. He was never outright, but he never wasted time.

 

When Taehyung stormed his way to the gas station, he had so much pent up, so much to let out, but now at the moment of release, he didn’t know what to say.

 

“They–” Taehyung paused. Namjoon waited. “They’re getting married.”

 

Namjoon stayed silent as he contemplated what to say and Taehyung wished Namjoon hadn’t stubbed out the cigarette, because he would rather watch the smoke dance then fall under Namjoon’s unreadable gaze. And like that. Taehyung cracked. Everything he had held pent up ever since his father’s accident to his mother meeting that disgusting excuse of a man, to now, came spilling out.

 

Taehyung had talked to Namjoon about a few things regarding the subjects before, but never in this much detail and there had never been this much emotion involved. Taehyung was absolutely livid and he felt the anger clawing at his throat. He was sick to the stomach and his fingers itched. He needed something to distract him.

 

“You know, from the looks of it, things aren’t going to get any better. Your mom has a lot of gaps open and Hobeum happens to fill them no matter how big of a douchebag he is. Financial stability and company is highly coveted these days, you know? There’s not much you can do at this point.” Namjoon was succinct and straight to the point.  

 

For the first time in eight months, Taehyung felt defeated. There was not a single trace of anger, just pure exhaustion that gnawed at his bones and the weight of it sent Taehyung feeling as if he was six feet under.

 

Taehyung had shown his distaste for the man the first moment his mother introduced him to Taehyung, and his distaste had not simmered one bit, but it did the situation no good. His worst fears were coming true and there was no way to stop it. Deep down, Taehyung had known all along it was too late, but the way Namjoon had said it straight, pulled the ground from under Taehyung’s feet and he was falling with nothing to hold onto.

Namjoon watched the emotions surge through Taehyung as he tried to grasp the reality of the situation. It was tough and there was no straightforward way to handle it. Namjoon wasn’t sure how to tread the ice, but he knew Taehyung needed support, assurance that he wasn’t alone.

 

“If you ever need a place to stay, Taehyung, mine’s always open.”

 

--

 

The wedding approached quickly and Taehyung thought a month was too quick to be saying their vows, but they’re impatient. Taehee was excited to see their mother so happy, but as each day passed, his anger ate away at him. The date was set and the wedding was brief. Taehyung tuned out the vows and he turned away at the kiss.

 

His mother and Hobeum decided to wait a few days before going on their honeymoon and that night where everyone rejoiced at the newly joined couple, Taehyung slipped away from the house with the stars as his witness. He contemplated whether to leave a note or not, but he decided his mother deserved something in the very least.

 

The brushes of his handwriting were careless and thin. Taehyung was still bitter.

 

‘I’m staying with a friend. Don’t worry about me.’

 

He grabbed a few extra set of clothes and other essentials before leaving the note and like that he was gone.

 

Namjoon wasn’t surprised when he saw Taehyung show up at his doorsteps at three in the morning.

 

Taehyung recalls the night in sharp clarity and winces at the details. Namjoon didn’t ask questions that night and only pulled out an extra blanket and pillow for Taehyung to crash on the couch with a ‘get some sleep, it’s late,’ before Namjoon retreated into his room for the night. Before falling asleep, Taehyung had come to the conclusion that maybe Namjoon was expecting everything to play out the way it had from the very beginning.

 

Namjoon is a relatively calm person, but his patience is sometimes spread thin and at the moment, Taehyung was running short on time. Everyone had called for a meetup at the docks at the usual time and no doubt Taehyung was going to arrive late. Taehyung grabs his jacket srewn on the couch and is out the door in a blink.

 

Taehyung can only hope they’ll accept his excuse, but it’s a fleeting wish because they never do.

 

--  

Taehyung reaches the bus stop in record time and he’s almost proud of himself, but isn’t because his achievement only stemmed from his tardiness. He beat the bus by five minutes and he reaches into his jacket to grab his wallet to prepare the bus fare, but he’s greeted with empty pockets and panic.

 

“, where the is it?” He continues searching even though he knows it’s useless to. A part of him is still hopeful. With a wave of crushing stupidity, Taehyung realizes his fault. “, I probably left my wallet in the other jacket.”

 

Arriving at the bus stop early is useless without any money and he sighs before noticing an intense gaze on him. The anger is already building and Taehyung’s eyes flash when they meet the stranger’s stare. “What are you looking at?”

 

The stranger freezes and Taehyung feels the anger seep out of him. It’s unstoppable and as much as he tries to contain it, it escapes and it’s potent. The stranger reaches into his jacket and pulls out several bills and offers it to him and Taehyung nearly lost it. Who was this stranger to look down and take pity on him? Taehyung’s throat constricts and he starts seeing red, before the bus rolls along to snap him out of it. The anger evaporates as fast as it came and Taehyung swallows his pride and reluctantly takes the money. .

 

He counts the money quickly and when the doors open he makes a move to enter it, but he looks at the stranger one last time and Taehyung is able to look at him closely without anger clouding his vision. He’s just a child, Taehyung notices immediately. He feels guilty for almost lashing out at him and he hesitates for only just a moment. “You wanna come or what?”

 

Taehyung says it quickly to make sure he can’t take it back.

 

The kid is silent.

 

“I mean, there’s enough for two people to ride and it is your money, so you might as well, right?”

 

The kid hesitates for only a moment before he goes to follow Taehyung onto the bus. Taehyung pays for the both of them and they find a seat near the back. Taehyung sits down first and the kid stumbles before sitting because without a warning, the bus lurches forward. He settles down and it’s silent save for the rumbling of the engine.

 

The dock is another three stops away so Taehyung knows there’s time to pass. “I’m Taehyung, you?”

 

The kid jumps, as if surprised Taehyung even acknowledged him. Taehyung decides he’s amusing.

 

“Um, I’m Jungkook. Thank you for taking me with you.” He stutters out shyly.

And like that they start small talk. They learn the useless tidbits about each other to eat away at the passing minutes. Absorbing Jungkook’s answers, Taehyung finds him to be a bit peculiar.

 

“You’re not from here, are you?” It’s an innocent question, but Taehyung notices how Jungkook stiffens.

 

Jungkook says nothing and shrugs, but Taehyung is not the type to pry so he doesn’t push the topic. Jungkook is silent before he tries changing the topic. Taehyung laughs to himself before pulling out his phone to leave a message in the groupchat.

‘I’m bringing company.’