Jongdae gulped down a mouth full of water beside one wall of the dance room once the instructor allowed them a couple minutes break from learning their new choreography. I think I’m getting better, he thinks to himself as he wipes the back of his hand across his mouth to gather up any water drops. As he leans down to grab his towel he notices Joonmyun and Chanyeol conversing on the opposite side of the room. While wiping at all of the sweat that has gathered on the back of his neck Jongdae walks towards his two conversing group mates.

“After practice” Jongdae hears Joonmyun telling Chanyeol as he walked closer.

“What’s going on after practice?” Jongdae asks not wanting to be left out.

“Oh ummm” Chanyeol says rubbing at the back of his neck. Jongdae notices how the other doesn’t seem to be able to meet his eyes.

“I was just telling Chanyeol to wait until after practice” Joonmyun says with a shrug of his shoulders before walking over to stand beside Minseok and Baekhyun who are deep in conversation.

“What are you waiting till after practice to do?” Jongdae asks Chanyeol.

“Chanyeol we told you to wait until after practice” Jongin and YiXing say coming up to Chanyeol’s side.

“I..I was trying” Chanyeol stutters out. Jongdae can’t help but think that the entire situation is very odd. “Why don’t you tell him now” Chanyeol says before running over to stand beside Kyungsoo who is drinking off to the side away from everyone else.

“Okay will one of you please tell me what is going on” Jongdae asks Jongin and YiXing who both are looking at each other.

“Well..” Jongin starts to say.

“We are just a little worried that the new choreography may be a little too hard for you” YiXing says with a genuine look of concern on his face.

“Well, umm, I thought I was doing okay” Jongdae says looking between Jongin and YiXing until a laugh pulls his gaze over to Sehun who is lazing on his back while scrolling through his phone.

“If that is you doing okay then I would hate to see you doing bad” Sehun says happily tapping on his phone. Jongdae feels his heart drop at the other’s words.

“I’ll try harder, thanks for telling me guys” Jongdae says with a weak smile before going over to get another mouthful of his water. I’ll work harder so that I’m not dragging the team down, Jongdae promises himself as he tries to follow every move the instructor shows.

“Let’s go back to the dorm I’m beat” Minseok says once the instructor leaves for the day.

“You guys go ahead, I’m going to stay for a little longer” Jongdae says with a wave of his hand. As Jongdae stares at his reflection in the mirror and tries to practice along to the music on his phone he misses the high five that Jongin and Sehun exchange as they leave the room.

“Don’t push yourself too hard” Baekhyun says before leaving the room. Jongdae is so busy trying to make sure all his moves are perfect that he doesn’t notice the look of concern that Baekhyun throws his way.

Later that night at nine in the evening, after practicing for an additional seven hours Jongdae finally returns to the dorm. He finds the dorm empty and hopes that the rest of the group is being safe, however he can only drag his tired body into the shower before swiftly falling asleep. I promise to work harder every day so that I don’t bring the others down, Jongdae promises before getting some rest.

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

Jongdae rolled out of bed a couple days later and felt his muscles ache slightly from all the extra dance practice he had been putting in. Jongdae accepted the pain with a hug because it meant that he was working his hardest to be stronger. After stretching out slightly Jongdae looked around his shared room to find YiXing’s bed empty, not surprising considering the other had so many activities in China. With a grumble from his stomach Jongdae started making his way towards the kitchen.

He hears music flowing from Chanyeol, Jongin, and Kyungsoo’s shared room and assumes Chanyeol must be busy mixing some tracks together. He hears shouts and laughter coming from the living room and after peeking his head in he sees Sehun and Jongin playing a video game together. Turning back to the kitchen Jongdae starts going through the cupboards. Chocolate chips, Jongdae thinks excitedly as his eyes scan through the cupboard and land on the ingredients to make his favorite chocolate-chip cake. If I change how I make it just slightly I could make cookies for everyone, Jongdae thinks excitedly thinking that the boost of sweetness would help boost the morale of the other members, especially with everyone’s busy schedules recently.

After mixing up the batter Jongdae began to spoon globs onto a cooking sheet.

“What in the world are you doing” a loud voice demands causing Jongdae to knock over the spoon in his fright.

“I found all the ingredients I needed inside the cupboards and thought everyone could use a chocolate chip cookie pick me up” Jongdae says holding his hand against his racing heart as he turns to see a fuming Kyungsoo in the middle of the kitchen.

“Yeah right, like you need to eat chocolate chips right now” Kyungsoo says with a snort as he grabs the spoon from Jongdae’s hands.

“Wh..what do you mean” Jongdae asks watching as Kyungsoo finishes spooning the cookies onto the tray.

“Just that sweets are the last thing I think you need to be eating right now” Kyungsoo says shrugging his shoulders.

“Because they will slow down my dancing” Jongdae prompts hoping that Kyungsoo will just get to the point of his statement.

“That and I saw you when we tried on our outfits for our next concert. Your pants and shirt were already a tight enough squeeze don’t you think” Kyungsoo asks before walking away to put the tray in the oven. “Cookies will be done in fifteen” Kyungsoo says with a smile before he walks from the room, leaving Jongdae with the mess and a nasty feeling in his gut.

When the bell on the oven rang, Jongdae pulled the tray out of the oven and set them aside to cool before walking back to his room.

Once in his room Jongdae closed the door and pulled up his shirt to stare at his reflection in the full length mirror. Am I really gaining weight, Jongdae wondered to himself as he moved around to view his body at different angles. If Kyungsoo noticed then that means that all of the other members are bound to, if they do then all the fans will as well; Jongdae thinks in a panic pinching at his stomach. I actually thought I was gaining some muscles, Jongdae thinks dejectedly pulling his shirt back down. A grumble from his stomach brings him back to the reason he went into the kitchen to begin with.

After trying to put it off for a couple minutes he can no longer convince himself that he isn’t hungry. Slowly he makes his way to the kitchen to find a couple of the other members munching on some of the cookies he made.

“Thanks Jongdae” Baekhyun says with a smile as he some gooey chocolate from his fingers before walking from the room.

The scent of the cookies is so alluring, but Kyungsoo’s words play over in his mind. Instead of reaching for a cookie Jongdae picks up a box of corn flake cereal and a yogurt cup. I can’t bring the others down, he reminds himself as he watches Sehun joyfully pop an entire cookie in his mouth.

That evening after all the members leave the dance practice room Jongdae stays for two hours longer. After that he goes to the gym and pushes his already tired body to do an hour and a half long workout. Late that night or early the next morning Jongdae finally drags his tired body home, only eating fifteen crackers and drinking a bottle of water to appease his growling stomach before hoping into the shower and falling into an exhausted sleep.

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

“Five, six, seven, eight” the dance instructor called out as the music blared through the speakers. “Stop, stop, stop” he called cutting the music. Jongdae held his hand against the wall to keep his balance as the room swayed around him slightly. “It’s a heel there not a toe Sehun” the instructor says looking at the other boy Jongdae takes in slow breaths trying to will the blurriness out of his vision. “And Jongdae, you are about three whole counts behind, if I didn’t know any better I would say you were intentionally trying to fail” she says.

“I’m sorry” Jongdae says. As much as I try to become better, I’m only becoming worse I really am letting the other’s down; Jongdae thinks to himself feeling shame fill him up.

“Take five, get a drink, I can’t stand to look at you lot right now” the instructor says before storming from the room. Jongdae allows himself to sit down leaning against the mirror as his whole body aches. Tiredly he brings his water bottle up to his lips and takes a swig noticing the entire time how the water sloshes around, some falling on his face and shirt, as his hand shakes from the effort of holding up the bottle.

“Jongdae are you okay” a three headed Baekhyun asks looking concerned. Jongdae shakes his head to clear his vision giving Baekhyun five heads before there is just a single Baekhyun standing before him.

“Yes” he assures as three headed Baekhyun comes back into view.

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

Jongdae woke up around three in the morning with stomach pains. You aren’t hungry, he told himself trying to move into a more comfortable position. However, the persistent pains kept making themselves known so Jongdae reached over to his bedside table and grabbed his phone.

After unlocking his screen he opened up the internet browser and began looking for some fan messages. A particular message caught his eye because it had his name in the title.

There was a birthday message for EXO’s Chen on a bus that drove past me this morning and I couldn’t help but think to myself who really cares it’s not like he is that important to the group as a whole. Personally I feel that Baekhyun has a way better voice then Chen and pretty much any other member of the group could cover his vocal parts. Don’t even get me started on his dance moves like seriously can’t he try harder, that’s his job for Pete’s sake, he just brings everyone else down when he dances near them. Maybe I’ll get some hate for this post, but who are you kidding there really aren’t that many Chen stans out there anyways.

Jongdae felt sadness well in his heart as he read through the post that pointed out the many flaws that he had been picking apart within himself for such a long time and been focusing on for the last two weeks. A small flicker of hope encouraged him to scroll down to the comments section, in search of a possible defender to his case.

  I totally agree with you! I seriously don’t understand why they keep him around every other member is like ten times better than Chen in every way   The first comment said.

I know I saw one of his birthday signs in the train station and I noticed how he has put on at least ten pounds. Like seriously he should be in the practice room twenty-four seven trying to get up to the standards of the other members not sitting around eating chips and twirling his thumbs. Jongdae read a second comment. He almost shut the phone when a third comment at the bottom of the screen caught his eye.

I LOVE EXO CHEN!!!!! Said no one ever, haha. Like seriously why did they even let him join to begin with? Jongdae couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and let them cascade down his face.

They’re right, he thinks to himself setting his phone back down on his night stand and shakily rising to his unstable and tired legs. He cast a careful glance YiXing’s way not wanting to interfere with the other’s happiness any more than he obviously was.

“I’m sorry” Jongdae whispered to YiXing’s sleeping form. He moved the pillows down the bed and covered them with his comforter so that it would appear that he was still sleeping. You all deserve more than me, he thought before quietly leaving the room. He left the dorm only stopping to look back as he stood in front of the building. “You will all be better off without me” Jongdae whispered up to the boys still sleeping inside the dorm.

After wandering around for an unknown amount of time Jongdae sat down on a small bench in the middle of a park. The date on an electronic billboard flashed as Jongdae watched the sunrise bloom across the sky. Happy Birthday self, he thought as he watched one color morph into another.