Post 156

By:Mr. Owl

I don’t know what’s scarier: feeling all of the pain in the world or not being able to feel anything at all. Day after day, I wonder why I still wake up. What’s my purpose in life, when all I have to do is turn my alarm clock off and prepare for school? I eat the same cafeteria food, fail the same subjects and disappoint the same people. Why is this pattern never ending, and why is it so frustrating?

Every day, I try to have a mindset of changing myself. I don’t want to be another generic student who knows nothing but to add up to the school population. I heard from somewhere that you can’t change the world, but you can change yourself. I’m not sure if there’s something wrong with me, but I strongly disagree with that. I don’t want to be a part of the world, after all. I don’t want to compromise; I don’t want to conform.

But in the end, that’s all I do.

<:>

Sungyeol sighed, and he clicked on the publish button with his computer mouse. If there was one thing he loved about the internet, it was his ability to pour everything he had locked up inside him to a bunch of strangers who seemed to understand him more than his own family.

“Sungyeol-ah, dinner!” his Mom cried from downstairs.

“Coming,” he replied, good enough to be heard. He stood up from his seat and logged out of his blog. He went downstairs, only to see that everything was already set. There was his Dad, who seemed to read the same section on his newspaper every day and his younger brother, Daeyeol, already finished pouring out drinks.

“Oh, hyung, you’re here!” his dongsaeng cried, grinning broadly. “I didn’t get to see you earlier.”

“I was doing something,” Sungyeol replied, as he took a seat. A few minutes later, everything was set and they began to eat. All in all, the flow of the conversation was similar to the ones they had for as long as he could remember.

So how was school today?

Any club activities?

Honey, could you pass me that dish over there?

Do you have any homework?

Sungyeol answered all these and more like he used to. A simple ‘yes’, ‘no’ and ‘I’ll check’ seemed to do the trick. He wondered, as he mechanically fed himself, if a thing such as existing and not living was real. If it was, however, then he could be the number one proof. He watched his family express the emotions he could barely feel. Why was he like that, anyway? Why was he too excited to close his eyes at evening and find himself in a state of disarray upon realizing that he survived another night? Why couldn’t he cherish his remaining days, despite knowing that not all people are granted to have another chance to live?

How could a student, at the age of nineteen, float around like this? With no destination in mind and no aim in life, how could a child standing on the blurry line of adolescence and adulthood find living as a tiring thing?

Sungyeol refocused on his younger brother, who was all smiles. He had admitted from a long time ago that Daeyeol was the reason why the household still felt warm.

“Hyung, I’ve a joke,” he said.

The older one took a piece of meat from his plate, and then he looked at his dongsaeng. “What is it?”

Daeyeol snickered, and asked, “What does the ‘S’ on Superman’s costume mean?”

Sungyeol blinked once. “I don’t know.”

“Small,” he replied. “That’s why his costume’s really fitted because he couldn’t find a bigger size.”

“Is that so?” the older one muttered.

“Ah, hyung, you’re no fun!” Daeyeol remarked, as he carried on eating. Their parents laughed at the joke, and soon, Daeyeol joined in.

Sungyeol felt the room grow smaller once again, so he ate faster and left the table the moment he was done. He made his way upstairs, wondering why he always wanted to be alone but hated the thought of loneliness at the same time.

For him, solitude and loneliness came together as a package. No matter what, no matter how ‘positive’ that certain solitude might be, it would always end up as loneliness in the end. Sungyeol believed that people carried the ability to make their own reality. That was why selective memory loss and lying existed; that was why the internet was invented. However, it wouldn’t change the truth. The things laid out in front of him were just distractions and temporary solutions but in all honesty, it wouldn’t change anything.

Occasionally, he would think of talking with their counselor at school. His pessimism was something else, and there were days where he would pretend to go to school but sneak back in his room again to doze off when no one was home. Because of this, his sleeping pattern became messed up and he kept on feeling an ache in his stomach.

<:>

It was three in the morning when Sungyeol decided to check his blog from his phone. He still couldn’t sleep, and he couldn’t be bothered trying, considering he’d end up waking up again for no apparent reason. He was scrolling through and stopped when he saw a blog post from someone:

Post 85

By: Kai

Sometimes I want to vanish. I want to sink into nothingness and see if people will even bother looking for me. I always hang out on our school’s rooftop and stand on the ledge, itching to jump to mark an end to everything. But in the end, I chicken out. I prefer a painless death, anyway.

Sometimes I want to run away. I want to see if the people around me will notice and chase me; I wonder if they will urge me to return, or even drag me home. Call me attention-seeking but that’s what I really want to know. If I run away—far away—will they find out? Will they even bother searching for me until they find a clue of my whereabouts? I’m nothing, but I want to at least be worth something—even if it’s just a pretense, it’s better than nothing. I’d rather be played upon than be ignored.

Sometimes I want to choose my own family. I don’t roll the dice, but if I were to, I’d choose a different family. My family right now is so superficial just looking at them makes me pissed.

Most of the time I want to die. I want to die so much…but I can’t do it. Every day I end up hating myself a little bit more. I’m just tired. I’m so, so tired. I want to rest and escape. I want to run away. I want time to stop, for just a little while.

Sungyeol read and reread the post, and with trembling hands, he tapped on the comment option, and began to type a reply:

Why are you sad?

It wasn’t like him to get involved with the problems of others, but he felt that he should step in this time. In the end, his decision was right.