Confession
The PalaceSix months later,
At Bukhansan,
Kyuhyun sits impatiently in the Headquarter after getting back from another search for Sungmin. Now, he awaits news from Hyukjae, just like he has been doing for the past six months.
Six months ago, two weeks after he rescued Sungmin from the hands of Choi Oongshik, Sungmin disappeared from Bukhansan without anyone knowing.
With Sungmin's injuries at the time, he had thought the other would have difficulty walking five steps away from his room. So he thought it was Choi Oongshik's people who had infiltrated his base and taken Sungmin again. He searched everywhere on the mountain, and Sungmin was nowhere to be found. Two days later, he received a letter from Sungmin.
In the letter, Sungmin told him that he was okay. He had left Bukhansan through the dangerous path behind the base, through the forest and all those hills. Sungmin never told him where he had gone and what he was doing. He only told Kyuhyun to stop looking for him, and that he would not come back to Hanyang or Bukhansan.
"Are you even sure it was Sungmin who wrote the letter?"
Hyukjae had asked him in suspicion.
But KyuKyun knows Sungmin's handwriting as well as he knows the back of his hand. Just like he knows the sound of the other's voice, the scent of his body, and the meanings behind his smiles and 'I'm okay'.
As Kyuhyun is immersed in his own thoughts, suddenly, he hears the door being opened in a rushed manner. Behind the door, Sol runs into the room, her face flustered and completely out of breath.
"Master! Lee doryeonnim... At the gate... He's back!"
"What?"
Kyuhyun turns to her, dazed for a second.
"Lee doryeonnim is at the gate!"
Kyuhyun immediately follows Sol as he processes the other's words. For a second, what she said seemed like a dream that could never come true.
In his head, a thousand thoughts run amok. He keeps thinking of an explanation for why Sungmin left, and how the person at the gate could not be him. But the simple explanation has never once crossed his mind. That Sungmin could really be here after all that time.
"Long time no see, Kyuhyun ah."
At the gate, a young man dressed in dark clothes and a straw hat greets him. His hand grips tightly a cane to support his legs. As he speaks, the corners of his lips lift up to form a lovely smile, and his eyes form two crescent moons. Kyuhyun could recognise that smile and those eyes anywhere.
"Sungmin..."
Without further thought, Kyuhyun runs to where the other is standing and pulls him into his own embrace. Suddenly, the world around him no longer matters. All he now cares about is being able to feel Sungmin's breath on his shoulders, to take in the other's sweet scent, and to see that lovely smile again. But Sungmin has gotten much slimmer since the last time he held him, and somehow, his smile now feels different.
"What happened to go? Where did you go?"
Sungmin gives him another smile and glances at Sol and the guards standing around them.
"Can we go inside first?"
~~~~~
That night, Kyuhyun and Hyukjae sit in the Headquarter together for the first time in a long time after six long months of searching for Sungmin.
"So?" Hyukjae asks impatiently, "where did you go? And what did you do in all that time?"
Sungmin only looks out the window for a second. How is he to explain what happened to him and where he went to Kyuhyun and Hyukjae, the only two people he has left in this life? Even if he wanted to, no words could ever describe his feelings in just a few sentences.
"It's a long story, Hyukkie ah."
"We have been looking for you for six months! So we definitely have time to sit here and listen to you explain yourself!"
"..."
"How could you just leave us when all of that went down? When your father and Donghae..."
"Hyukjae!" Kyuhyun finally snaps at him, "Stop it."
"What?"
"He will tell us when he is ready."
"Sungmin," Kyuhyun then turns to Sungmin, still sitting quietly staring at the floor, "come with me. There is something I need to show you."
~~~~~
That night, Kyuhyun takes him back to the forest near Seowangmyeong.
"Why are we back here, Kyuhyun?"
Sungmin stops for a second and looks at Kyuhyun.
"Just trust me, okay."
Kyuhyun extends a hand to him. For a second, every question and concern he has suddenly disappeared. He gives Kyuhyun another smile and takes his hand.
They walk to the part of the forest where trees are larger and their leaves are bigger. Along the path, large purple flowers are blooming. Sungmin immediately realises where Kyuhyun is taking him. (See again Chapter 5)
"Kyuhyun ah, this... is..."
But Kyuhyun only nods at him and continues walking.
As soon as they arrive at the clearing, Sungmin sees them. The headstones that Kyuhyun had put up for his family. But this time, there are two additional headstones next to the original headstones that Sungmin had seen before. He steps closer and takes a look. On the headstones, two names were carved carefully: 'Lee Youngwoon' and 'Lee Donghae'.
A tear silently slips out of Sungmin's eyes.
"Unlike my parents' graves, your father's and Donghae's graves are not empty."
Sungmin turns to him, confused.
"After their public hanging time was over, I bribed the guards for their bodies. Otherwise, they would be dumped in a graveyard somewhere. Hyukjae and I held a small funeral for them, then buried them here. Sorry, I couldn't do more."
But what more could anyone have done for them, Sungmin thinks to himself. This is the best anyone could do in this situation.
"Thank you."
He whispers to Kyuhyun, as softly as a summer breeze.
Then, he kneels down before his father's grave and takes three bows to the ground.
"Abeonim," he says quietly as his forehead touches the cold and hard ground, "please forgive this ungrateful son. I couldn't even hold a funeral for you. You died because of me, and now your name can't even be in the ancestral worship hall. It is all my fault."
"But soon, I will bring justice back to your name. I will avenge your death. I will make those that wronged you pay."
Behind him, Kyuhyun suddenly feels a cold wind in the air. In Sungmin's voice, he can sense a hint of coldness and cruelty.
But he ignores the feeling, and picks five purple flowers from the path and puts one on each grave.
"May them all rest in peace."
Sungmin nods at him and walks over to Donghae's grave.
"Donghae ah," he puts one hand on the headstone, just like Donghae used to put his arm around his shoulder when they hung out together, "I owe you my life. I can only pay you back in the next life."
Another tear slips out of his eyes, but he quickly wipes it away.
As they are about to leave, he suddenly turns to Kyuhyun with a smile.
"Kyuhyun ah, I want soju."
~~~~~
Kyuhyun rushes back to the forest from the market after getting enough supply of soju, as if afraid that if he does not hurry, Sungmin will quickly disappear before his eyes again like a breeze on a hot summer night.
As he returns to the forest near Seowangmyeong, Sungmin is sitting on the hill that overlooks all of Hanyang.
The last time he saw Sungmin sit on that hill was the day he announced to Kyuhyun that he was going to enter the Palace as a concubine. At that moment, he had felt like the sky was crashing down on him, and even the slightest breeze could beat him down like a tree in a summer storm. Yet, it has felt like a lifetime ago. So much has happened since then that everything only feels like a dream to him.
But, at this moment, Sungmin is sitting on the same hill, overlooking the same city, surrounded by the same field of bright pink flowers, just like that day. Has everything come full circle? Or is everything bound to repeat itself again?
Sungmin sits quietly looking at the town at the foot of the hills. But, to Kyuhyun, the other looks more like he is staring into somewhere so far away, rather than the crowded streets and thatched rooftops. As he looks at Sungmin from behind, Kyuhyun suddenly feels like he is the loneliest person on this earth, as if he himself was in that faraway place. All on his own. In pain and torment.
The last time he saw Sungmin on this hill, he had the same look and the same loneliness. Yet, something is different this time.
"Look, Kyuhyun," Sungmin says as he hears the other's footsteps, "the flowers are blooming again."
Kyuhyun only smiles at him and takes a seat next to him. He shows Sungmin all the soju and snacks he had bought for them, and to his surprise, Sungmin takes a bottle of soju and gulps it down in one go.
"Ah," he exhales after finishing the entire bottle, "soju at the market is still better than wine in the Palace! You know, Kyuhyun ah, the entire time I was there, there were so many banquets being hosted. Each week there is a different ceremony, party, and banquet. I tasted so many different cuisines, but nothing tasted like the soju and pumpkin pie at the market when we snuck out of the dormitory."
Kyuhyun looks at him and gives him a warm smile.
"Surely nothing tastes as good as freedom."
Sungmin returns his smile and nods at him.
For a while, they both sit there, drinking in silence.
But Kyuhyun simply cannot forget the look of Sungmin's empty stare and the lonely figure sitting on the hill that he saw just now.
"Sungmin ah," he turns to the other after a long while of silence, "you don't have to be strong all the time."
"What do you mean?"
Sungmin turns to him, the smile never leaving his face.
"I think you know what I mean. And before, on Bukhansan, I think you know quite well why Hyukjae was mad at you."
Sungmin has now turned towards the faraway emptiness again.
"It was not because you left us. It is because you always take on things all by yourself. You never let us take care of you."
"..."
"I won't ask you where you went and what you did for the past six months until you are ready to tell me..."
"I just went to a lot of places, and met a lot of people, Kyuhyun ah."
He turns to Kyuhyun, another smile forming on his face.
Kyuhyun suddenly sighs at him and takes his hand in his own.
"Sungmin, did I ever tell you..."
He breathes in as strongly as he can and looks the other deep into his eyes.
"...how much I hate your smile."
Sungmin is stunned for a second, his smile slowly wearing off.
"You hide everything behind your smile. Your pain, your sadness, your grief, your sorrow. They are all hidden behind that perfect smile of yours. When we were at Seowangmyeong, you'd rather hide your broken wrist than bother anyone to help you, and only cried in pain when you were alone in your room. For once, I wish you would scream out when you are in pain and cry when you are sad..."
Kyuhyun could not finish his sentence when he felt the other pull his face closer to his own and press his lips against his lips. Sungmin is pulling him for a kiss amidst the vast field of bright pink flowers. Everything feels like a scene from his deepest dreams, Kyuhyun cannot believe it was actually happening. Sungmin's lips taste like a mixture of candied apples, herbs, and soju. Then, after a good minute, Kyuhyun suddenly feels something wet fall onto his face. On Sungmin's face, a tear rolls down his cheek onto Kyuhyun's own cheek.
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"
Kyuhyun looks at him and asks in concern.
But Sungmin quickly wipes away his tears and turns to look down the hill again.
"Nothing. You could never hurt me, Kyuhyun ah."
"Then, did you not like it?"
"No, it's not that...I... just..."
Kyuhyun patiently awaits his answer.
"|'m tainted."
Kyuhyun furrows his eyebrows and moves to sit in front of Sungmin so he can meet the other's eyes.
"Why do you say that?"
Sungmin only turns away from him without saying anything.
Then, suddenly, something seems to have struck Kyuhyun. He turns to look in the direction Sungmin is looking. In his eyes, a darkness painfully and slowly appears.
"Kim Hongdae? Did he do something..."
He always knew that Kim Hongdae had a crush on Sungmin when they were at the academy. That was why he was always teasing and bullying Sungmin. But he had never imagined that bastard would go to such lengths...
On Sungmin's face, another tear rolls down his cheek. Then, he gently turns to Kyuhyun and holds his face in his own hands. For a good minute, he takes in every feature on the other's face, every flaw and perfection. He looks deep into Kyuhyun's eyes and gives him the most genuine smile.
"Jo Kyuhyun, you are an exceptional young man. You have your future all ahead of you. You deserve the nicest young lady and the most beautiful family. Not this. Not me."
Knowing what Sungmin is implying, Kyuhyun only sighs at him.
"Lee Sungmin, can I tell you a little story?
There once was this little young master. The little young master was mischievous and playful, but bright and hungry for knowledge. He had everything good ahead of him, but overnight, he lost everything. In one night, he lost his parents, and was named the traitor's son and hunted for the rest of his life if people knew he was still alive.
But at the darkest time of his life, he met another boy who gave him the warmest ray of sunshine in the coldest night of his life. He stayed by his side and gave him the slightest sense of normalcy. He made the little young master feel like a normal person again.
But soon after, the little boy got hurt because of him. He could no longer stay in the city where he would only bring trouble to the people he loved, and where he was still being hunted down. So he swore he would become the strongest, most powerful person in this kingdom, so he could bring justice to his family, and no one could ever hurt him or his loved ones ever again.
When the little young master was older, now under a completely different name, he met the young boy again. But the boy did not seem to recognise who he was. No matter, he did not want the other to remember him as that sad and lonely little boy anyway. Over time, they developed a precious friendship that was hard to find elsewhere.
But the young master did not forget the promise he made to himself. He was determined to be the strongest, most powerful man in the kingdom. Before he could complete his mission and confess his love, the other was already married to someone else.
At that moment, I felt like the sky was crashing down on me, and even the slightest wind could beat me down like a tree in a storm. The warmest ray of sunshine in my life was gone, and I was back to the cold hell that I was destined to be in. And for four years, all I could do was watch that person from afar and protect him.
But the person I love with all my life was always getting in danger. I know that's just the way he is, always fighting for the people around him and for the cause he truly believes in. Every time he was in danger, I felt like my stomach was on fire, and there was an invisible hand crushing my heart. Every time, I had to carry his lifeless body in my own hands, my heart feeling like it was crushed into a thousand pieces. If it was up to me, I would have him locked away somewhere safe, forever, so that nothing and no one could ever touch him and harm him. If he let me, I would be willing to be his cane and his sword for the rest of my life. But I know he would never let me do that. That's just the way he is. And I'd rather have to always stand and watch from afar and have my heart broken into a thousand pieces than force him to do something he was not happy with.
And, at this moment, that person is asking me to find a nice lady to spend my little pathetic life with. How could I, when I had already found the warmest ray of sunshine to light up my life? How could I, when he was the one and only thing I have ever longed for since I was five years old? How could I, when my heart feels empty and my mind goes blank when I go just a day without hearing his voice? I'm hopeless. My heart has already been taken, and I have no mind to take it back and give it to someone else. You have already taken my heart, Lee Sungmin. How can I ever fall for someone else? How can I ever be with someone else?"
As the words come out of Kyuhyun like a stream at the top of a mountain, he takes Sungmin's hands in his own and gently wipes away the tears rolling uncontrollably down the other's cheeks.
"I love you, Sungmin ah."
He slowly plants a kiss on the other's forehead.
"How could you not know that?"
He plants another kiss on Sungmin's eyelid.
Slowly, Sungmin wraps his arms around Kyuhyun's shoulders and pulls him into another kiss. This time, with all of his passion and longing after all those years.
In a quick movement, Sungmin takes off Kyuhyun's shirt, then his own shirt. Kyuhyun is surprised for a second, then softly plants another kiss on his cheek.
"Are you sure?"
He asks gently into the other's ear. His breath feels warm and shaky.
Sungmin quickly nods at him, and kisses him again on his lips.
Slowly, Kyuhyun moves his kisses from the other's forehead, eyelids, neck, chest, to every scar he has on his body. He loves every part of this body. How can he not plant a kiss on all the places that he loves? Quickly, their bodies feel like they can give each other warmth through their mere skin and flesh.
Four years ago, this same field of bright pink flowers marked the end of their friendship.
At the moment, surrounded by the gentle breeze of the summer night, two bodies quickly and passionately become one.
~~~~~~
A/N: Congrats to Ryeowook oppa for getting married, and congrats to Super Junior for finally having all 13 members in the same place! I have been waiting for this day for more than 10 years!
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